*
“Just try to sit up” the physical therapist said. I broke into a cold sweat straining and resisted…resisted… slapping the helpful hands away from me. “You have to start using your muscles or you won’t get your mobility back” he was relentless.
I knew that I needed to do what I was told. I tried so hard not to be angry with these people. They were trying to help me with their perky pitiful bedside manners. They were just doing their jobs.
It was hard not to snap at them for keeping me alive...keeping me active…just keeping me. I wanted to leave. I wanted to be away from anyplace that already knew my story. I wanted to tell my story in its entirety. I wanted to go.
“…I… am… trying…” I said as I grunted with the effort speech cost.
There was a long harsh pull from my back; my stomach was on fire sending stabs of pain through me. Is this what labor feels like? I ruthlessly pushed the thought aside…as I did any fantasy of what was never going to be. I kept gulping for air in great deep breaths…I would do anything to get out of here.
I knew I had a long way to go. I could barely walk or even use the restroom. I had a G-tube and was stuck on liquid ensures. I wasn’t going to be able to leave if I couldn’t even feed myself.
“Just a little farther you almost have it” the torturer said with a particular upbeat tone.
His optimism was wearing me down. I wasn’t supposed to pull myself up with my arms. This was pure core work. I was using muscles that had been...shredded. I just had to sit up once…if I could do it… I could get myself out of here…eventually. I was so sick of being waited on in hospitals. Sick of the smell…the attention…I needed to get out of here.
I wanted to leave so badly it fueled me. Straining I made it all the way up to a sitting position. My head was pounding so loudly it drowned out the great gasping sobs I was making. It wasn’t the worst pain I had ever felt. It wasn’t even the second.
The therapist patted my back awkwardly ignoring my tears. And I flinched as he touched healing wounds. I wasn’t smiling when I fell sideways. Blacking out from the pain…. and from the visions… of talons pulling things up from deep inside of me.
*
It’s not unusual to have meetings before the restaurant opens up at ten. The owner Isaac has lots of meetings when he is unhappy. I don’t have to attend most of the time. Isaac has better things for me to do than sit around getting paid to be yelled at.
I went around the kitchen turning on the stoves, grill, fryers and steamers. Getting everything toasty warm and mostly set up in the kitchen. Everyone else was presumably out front getting ready to start the day…drinking my coffee. Listening to Isaac voice his list of demands…his list is an actual list with notes written in the margins. Everyone beside Jacob and me…Jacob tended to hum when he was going about his unknowable tasks in the morning.
I liked it in the kitchen in the early morning. Doing what needs to be done without anyone bothering me. I can tune out a nuclear blast with my mindless little routines. I didn’t come to work to socialize so it isn’t as if there were people here just dying to speak to me.
Generally the regular staff ignored me unless they wanted something from me. Isaac and Jacob tended to nag me about several things a day I was supposed to be taking care of. It was the story of my life…having to be more than I ever wanted. I could do without some of the conversations from other ‘coworkers’ but I tried not to make too big of a deal out of the other cooks trash talk. No matter how sick to my stomach it made me.
“Lee! Get out here” Isaac’s voice tends to carry and I heard him loud and clear from the other side of the building.
His voice travels past a couple swinging doors that separates the server stations from the rest of the kitchen. It always amazes me that he had enough breath to bellow at his age. I noticed that Jacob hadn’t been summoned to attend but he was the only one…how did he get so lucky? I could hear him humming in the general direction of the office. It was a comforting familiar sound. Jacobs endless humming was a great comfort to me.
“Yes!” I yelled back as loudly as I could, turning the steamers down, and dusting my hands off on my apron.
I didn’t bother switching to a clean apron. It doesn’t hurt to remind Isaac I’d been working on his dime. All the cooks and support staff were out in the dining room. None of the servers were here which good for them. Most of them are reduced into weeping puddles when Isaac gets onto them.
Isaac is smart enough to let Jacob…mostly… handle the girls. To be fair most of the servers are young enough to be intimidated by Isaac. He did his time in the military twenty years ago and just radiates authority. I didn’t know that for a fact…he just had that feeling about him. The same way a lot of old guys at the VA in town did.
I don’t fall into weepy girl category. The fact that I have a good six inches on Isaac and he has to look up to yell at me makes me a lot less threatened by his bulk and manners. Isaac just didn’t set off my alarms in a way that made working with him…wonderful.
It takes more than a chewing out by a silver backed grizzly bear to get a rise out of me. I trusted my instincts…at least I do now. And they tell me that Isaac would kill himself before he’d hurt anyone. Well ever again… he has that feeling about him… that he has seen and done… stuff. I’ve met his type before.
*
“Why are you twitchy? You do meth?” the owner asked staring across the table with his clipboard in hand.
I hadn’t figured out why there were so many old people in this town. He would have blended right in at any of the local hangouts…like the gas station, VA, or one of the many flea markets. He looked me over in a way that told me he wasn’t impressed.
I could have bought some makeup or something for this. I needed a job and I could have smiled…I think I could have smiled a little. I just had on clean jeans and a t-shirt…I brushed my hair. I hadn’t tried to upgrade my appearance. It was so hard to get the energy to come here.
The few women I have seen around tended to dress up more than I did. I kicked myself for the lack of obvious effort. It was kitchen work so perhaps the lack of makeup was a good thing. I knew how to work hard…I was alive wasn’t I.
“No I don’t do drugs” I said.
I was trying to unwind myself enough to get this job. I was going to bomb it before he asked any real questions. I almost smiled when it occurred to me that I wanted to get this job. That I wanted to stay in this town…I took all my conflicting emotions that rose up to dissuade me…telling me to run… and shoved them down. I was allowed to want something for myself.
“You go to church?” he asked. “We are open on Sundays and if you can’t work because of church I won’t hire you. Everyone works Sundays, no exceptions, it’s our busiest day” he said at last.
It would have to be. This was the only restaurant in town consistently open on the weekend. Every other business in the area shut down by 5pm even on weekends. Not a single business was open on Sunday…not even the gas station.
I wondered if it was legal to ask me if I went to church. Wasn’t there a law against asking? This guy was awfully loud. I did a self inventory and he didn’t set off any warning signals. I couldn’t think of anything that would be more embarrassing than having a panic attack while trying to get a job.
People don’t want to hire ‘crazies’ that end up crying in a corner whenever someone yells at them. I really didn’t want to explain the why’s and how’s to anyone. Not even to cover how…ashamed I was…I couldn’t get control of my head…sometimes.
“No church” I said.
“You don’t have a work history? Why is that?” He gave me a sharp look and I had known that this question was going to happen when I left the references and work history blank.
“I just got out of college. I took a year off to travel” I said.
It was even true in a sense. I had been traveling for a year…the first six months had been from hospital to hospital but still. He did
n’t need to know that.
“Well since your hours are open I expect you to work what you’re given. I am hiring you. You are the only person who applied for the kitchen and I am seriously shorthanded. I hope you are good with minimum wage because that is what you’ll be getting” he handed me an employee packet and a schedule. “Just come in on any of those open shifts and I will find you something to do…this is a family restaurant… mostly. I expect to see you tomorrow. Don’t be late and don’t piss me off and I will teach you what you need to know.” he stood with a HUFF, moving away from the table and presumably me.
“What do I need to wear?” I asked as he walked away.
“Something you can get dirty and sweat in” he said leaving off the Duh…
*
“Isaac” I say by way of acknowledgment.
I slip in the back of the dining room not bothering taking a seat. I can see everyone just fine this way. Next to Isaac stands a dark haired guy. Must be new because I don’t recognize him and I didn’t notice him come in the back.
I tend to tune out the back door opening and closing in the morning. The sound of it slamming makes me jump every time so I really work at not listening for it. Not my job to answer it anyways.
I don’t have time to contemplate the new guy before Isaac calls me out in front of everyone.
“So nice of you to join us…Lee” he said. Gesturing for me to come forward and stand next to him.
“I was busy setting up” I said as I took the place he indicated.
“Were you now? So nice of you to skip the meeting and actually do your job” he said.
Isaac isn’t really upset with me. The vein in his neck isn’t even throbbing. He hasn’t broken a sweat yelling at the staff so I know he is just talking to hear himself talk. Gripping at his employees is more habit than malicious and not worth committing on right now.
I preferred to blindside him with logic later on in the day so I don’t rise to his obvious bait. We had an understanding Isaac and I. He never took his frustrations out on me and I worked my ass off for him. It suited us both.
“All of you to pay attention” Isaac yelled. I could never figure out if he had hearing problems but yelling was just a part of being Isaac. “This is my nephew James. He is going to be learning how to run the restaurant. You all know…Lee. She is the new Kitchen Manager as of today. She is going to be training James today and for the next few weeks… and making the schedule. If you have any complaints take them to her. I Do Not Want To Hear Them.” With that Isaac headed back to his office. He left me next to some shaggy haired guy, looking stupid holding the bag.
*
All those faces looking down at me…expectant, frantic, and persistent in their questions…God… just let me sleep…please go away…I kept pushing the nurse call button someone had placed in my hand frantically…please… please… please… go away. The tears kept burning and I let them come. I welcomed them as they dripped down my face pooling on the pillow.
There was a person who sat in the only chair periodically watching me but I was unable to ask…why. I faded in and out. There were gray eyes looking down at me between my snatches of consciousness. It took me a while to understand that this wasn’t hell.
The clothing was too cheerful with dancing cartoons and smiling G-rated Emojis. The light from the window shifted and changed under the taupe curtains at seemingly random intervals. My moments of clarity were short lived before new pricks entered my arms and the haze was pumped in again. I had enough of this place with its constant stream of babble and endless mustard hallways.
I couldn’t clean myself. I went someplace in my head when every few days people would come in and wash me carefully. Being rolled was the worst part. I couldn’t feel much… most of me was wrapped like a mummy or bruised. Movement in general usually knocked me out better than the dribbles from the IV’s. Sometimes there would be a cool hand on my head whispering when I held onto my pain to strongly and sunk down into oblivion.
Various liquids would find its way inside of me. Curtsey of even more nameless faceless people. In those few brief snatches of clear cognitive function… I was pummeled with the same sets of questions. Dispersed nonchalantly from the many formed uniforms that stood by my bedside… I was helpless to leave. They made it impossible to sleep.
“Where is your husband now?” the voices asked.
And the tears burned…drop by drop.”Can you tell us what happened?” a different voice would ask.
I would start to hyperventilate. It caused so much hurt in my body; I could not stop myself from shaking. Movement hurt badly…I could see the blood soaking into the bandages that seemed to cover everything. I had tried so hard to stay still… but they persisted. Endlessly the voices persisted. I was ready to go.
*
Much awkwardness ensued on my part. I don’t like being the center of attention. I dismissed the staff with a wave and a hasty ‘Let's get going’ and grabbed James’s arm steering him towards the back of the restaurant picking up Jacob in my wake. I was surprised that I could simply lead James and he would follow. He didn’t even resist my grip on his arm…and for a second I saw my hand was a talon.
“Jacob?” Jacob glanced at me and followed without a huff. “Would you mind showing James how to run the dishwasher while things are still being set up?” I asked him nicely practically shoving James into him. “I need to run some things by Isaac and I will be out as soon as I can” I said.
I didn’t look at James or offer an apology for man-handling him. I just took short breaths and moved away from them both. I knew Jacob would do as I asked. I asked for so little.
“Yesup” Jacob said taking control of James and steering him over to the dish pit.
It’s a testament to how much Jacob knows that he didn’t even question me. I decide then that I will talk to him later after I… sunk my talons into…speak to… Isaac. I turned …and practically ran to Isaac’s office. I needed to get to the bottom of things. Find out exactly how much this promotion was going to cost me. I give his door three good knocks and Isaac hurls it open.
“What do you want?” Isaac said. I shoulder him aside forcing my way into his office. “Oh… why don’t you just come right on in…? Do you want the code to the safe now too?” Isaac stood shoulder high next to me but he was solid and wide for a man his age.
I wouldn’t have gotten past him if he didn’t want me to. His snarky comments were for the benefit of those watching from the window of the line. Things got real quiet in the kitchen. It was quieter than it should have been with over twenty people prepping for the lunch run. Someone snickered and it carried.
Isaac was being snippy with me which is normal but there wasn’t a single ounce of energy in it….which was definitely not Isaac. With as much consideration as I could manage and still be pushy I move him back away from the door and slam it shut. Isaac and I both pause until the normal sounds of the kitchen pick up.
“What’s going on Isaac? Since when do I run things? You have four other nephews or whatever’s here… promote them… and let me get back to work I actually know how to do. What are you even thinking passing every single person over besides me? Do you know how much garbage I am going have to take for this little bomb you dropped?” and in a softer tone because Isaac visibly wilted down into his swivel chair, “You love this place and you’re not going to run it anymore?” I think I was afraid…and I jumbled things.
“…Lee” Isaac turned his face up to me. I am getting a sick sinking feeling in my gut that something is very wrong here. “You’re the best person for this job and I trust you. My other nephews are getting canned as soon as I can possibly let them go. That will make you happy right? You haven’t complained but I know there have been problems.” Isaac was apologizing to me.
I didn’t know if it bothered me more that he thought he had to apologize… or that he knew about the little…problems.
“Ok. Spill it or I walk out and you are on your own.” I said.
Realizing there wasn’t another chair in the office I sat on the floor. It wasn’t a bluff… I don’t like being manipulated. Isaac should have known me long enough to know that. I thought that Isaac really got me and the respect went both ways. At least as often as Isaac and I could manage it…he was after all my boss.
We never had to talk or socialized in any way outside of work. We had sub-texted conversations and that always made me smile. We didn’t have to discuss anything at all. This was why I kept working here despite the ‘problems’ I’ve had over the years.
I liked Isaac and trusted him to keep a wary eye on me and his somewhat touchy feely nephews. I ignored it… mostly. I didn’t realize that Isaac hadn’t. For the first time I wondered if I really knew what kind of man Isaac was. If he had ever actually earned my respect…or if I just gave it to him. It made me think worse of him…and I didn’t like that at all.
*
Isaac had kept me away from the cooks. I was grateful for that. They greeted me with persistent offers whenever Isaac wasn’t around. I worked early mornings and late nights with a long break between shifts. I opened and closed the restaurant with Isaac almost every day.
I avoided the cooks whenever I could and Isaac always had a job that required just one person. From cleaning out the stock rooms, to disinfecting the coolers, I always had something to occupy me that didn’t need any help. I liked locking myself in the liquor cage in the back of the walk-in. It was safe and silent while I counted the bottles.
I enjoyed Isaac’s brief conversations that stuck to the job or my performance. He had his rough ways but I rarely ever saw any real indication to fear him. I only heard stories about his temper from employees on their way out. No one gossips like a restaurant employee…especially after they had been fired.
I got to hear him really tearing into his nephews for their constant stupidity. It was the best thing ever. I did all I could to stay away from one of Isaac’s fits of temper. I was cowered when I had first started but slowly my confidence had begun to develop again.
Merrily In Tragedy: Book One (Merrily We Live 1) Page 3
