I walked uphill slightly to pause at the cottage built into the cliff side. There was a neon orange bench that probably glowed in the daytime sitting outside its door. It also doubled as a gift shop and where to pick up tours. It was shut down now. I couldn’t tell in the dark what color the building was. It folded almost seamlessly into the overhang of the entrance to the cavern.
I pulled my flashlight out of my back pocket. I didn’t turn it on…I was scared I was going to get caught…or shot…trespassing at night. It was laughable that Noel, Missouri would have a night time security guard. Who even really knew about this place that wasn’t local?
The sign outside the gift shop said that the caverns were discovered by Author Browning in 1925. I honestly didn’t see how something so big could have been missed before then but I had not spent much time going over the history of the area…something about mining.
I turned the flashlight on careful to point it in the direction of the entrance. There wasn’t a gate or anything blocking the entrance to the cave…it just sat there with its great mouth open…daring me. The entrance was glowing slightly by artistically placed lights. It looked beautiful, sad, and lonely in the night. I had a great deal of complicated feelings about a place I had never been to.
Exploring wasn’t that hard. I followed what were apparently well used paths that were lighted. I even read the little plaques set out in front of rock formations and archeological interested sites. I went through the marked pathways twice...noting the pearly rocks and moisture soaked walls.
It was the deep stillness of this place that called to me. It hummed with silence. I passed by several unlighted pathways that looked…terrifying. It was upon deciding to go around again for the third time… that I took the dark pathway half-way in my ‘tour’.
I had my flashlight so I wasn’t completely without light. I followed the natural curves of the caves. Occasionally I would see something above or below me of interest. Gripping the flashlight in my teeth…I would explore. Being lost wasn’t a big concern to me. Part of me thought how reckless this was but I didn’t care. I wanted to go.
I was squeezing myself between two rocks that hung suspended above a shaft. I had shimmied my way up wet walls…when I got stuck. I tried not to panic but I could not get my breasts to fit between the narrow mouths of the opening. Water was beginning to pool around my chest. My body was acting like a plug for a very small waterfall. I hadn’t realized I was following the source of a tiny spring.
For a moment I was half in half out with my hips and legs hanging over space. It was pitch black in front of me and the water continued to rise. I reached for anything I could latch onto. Holding the light firmly in my teeth I stretched as far as I could. I could feel every scar I had ever had while I groped for something…anything.
I reached a small handhold submerged under a growing pool of water. I wedged my fingers into the rock….straining... Trying not to scream or panic and keeping the only light clenched tight in my teeth. I did not want to be embraced by the darkness if my light went out.
I managed to pull myself through the gap. The water immediately poured down the space I had vacated. I scrapped up my breasts…tore my shirt. I couldn’t feel the damage. I knew that I had to be freezing and realized that I couldn’t go back the way I had come. I could only keep moving forward.
I traversed down the channel that had been worn smooth by centuries of water. There wasn’t a single outcrop of rock. Nothing past the bit I had used to pull myself deeper. There wasn’t a single pebble… or anything… but the long channel of smooth featureless curved walls. My knees hurt so badly that I was shaking when I reached the end of the spring’s ancient path. The end came quickly and I fell from the channel…just a few feet onto a solid and unforgiving floor.
It was incredible on the other side. In a detached way I saw that it was perfectly white limestone which reflected my flashlight making the entire area sparkle softly. I could hear the silence deep in my heart and it whispered to me. I shined my light around the cavern simply staring in what could only be…awe.
An endless sea of stone hung above me in waves that had been caught in pearls of icicles. There were small pools of slightly shifting water about the space…and the space was immense. It seemed as vast as the night sky. For some time I just attempted to absorb the pure…joy of it all.
I realized I was probably going to die in here. I was okay with that. Each frozen piece of perfection dropped fractals of starlight to the floor. No one was going to look for me. My job would think I had finally moved along like the rest of its transient employees. I had never felt to be a part of anything of permanence.
I saw a small outcropping that would make a lovely bench. I noticed the air was stale and that I was by far the filthiest thing here. It bothered me that I was somehow spoiling this perfect place with the grime that clung to me. I had abrasions that left tiny reddish stains everywhere my hands touched.
I could still hear that humming that had echoed along with me from the beginning. I found in it to be the peace that I had needed. I wept alone and battered on my hidden alter of stone. I mourned all that I was and all that I would never have the heart to be.
Great sobs rose up from me and resisted every effort I had to shove them back down. I was choking on my tears…coughing straining…trying to regain some semblance of control. Only the humming kept coming. It was determined to put me at peace.There was healing to be had in its soothing tones...endings could be a kind of healing too.
The ceaseless sounds of mourning poured out of me. I was a dark blot upon all the glistening fascination of this place. The humming knocked aside my protests…my last bit of reserve. I simply cried...I cried out the wasted years of my life… as the stalactites cried with me. I was ready to go.
*
It worried me that the nephews didn’t argue or generally screw around. This had to be the quickest close I’ve ever had in the last several years. They lived to give me a hard time. Maybe they needed to get ready for a funeral?
I pushed the thought aside dismissing it from my mind. I focused instead on dragging the hose and scrub brushes from the chemical closet. I had a mess to untangle before I could begin scrubbing down the floors. Even with everyone else doing their jobs…I still had another hour or two of deep cleaning. The place was going to be closed for a few days. I couldn’t recall the last time I had had more than a day to myself.
The “swiff swiff” of the scrub brush against the tile floor was so soothing. I really enjoyed the clean smell of the disinfectant…how the soothing sounds would make bubbles rise up like magic. The bubbles made tiny pale planets that would burst into rainbows.
It doesn’t take thought to do these types of things. I simply relaxed into the job. Scrubbing floors always soaks me to the skin in a pleasant way. I was working out some of my frustrations out on the abused tile.
*
“Your almost done just a few more to go” the nurse said.
She was just one of a long stream of blonde nurses who checked on me hourly. She was a touch impersonal and brisk just how I needed them to be. I couldn’t even roll myself over or reach the bed controls. Getting to the restroom wasn’t even an option. Any movement at all caused my stomach to crack and bleed. I had been told over and over that that was a very bad thing. Lying on my back was another slice of hell as I was crisscrossed with wounds there too. The stomach was the worst of it I had been told. It was also the only part I could see.
The muscles in my face and neck twitched when the nurse swabbed some kind of medicated “stuff” across my stomach. I hadn’t eaten in…forever it felt like…there were just the IV bags over my head. There were pink bubbles of foam all over my stomach like some bizarre alien landscape.
The nurse hesitated several times while she changed out the bloody soaked gauze and strips of bandage. She would hum tunelessly under her breath while she worked. She wouldn’t even look me in the eyes while she preformed the most intimate of care.
<
br /> At least this one didn’t ask questions or leave in the middle of it to throw up. Making a hardened nurse vomit took real…talent. I wanted to scream at her to get on with it…but I already knew that screaming hurt. Breathing hurt. I wanted the hurt to end.
I was sure my silent acceptance of what was happening to me was starting to bother her. She was the blonde perky kind who talked to fill in the silences. Sure as the sun shone she opened her mouth after flushing out another disgusting wound. It felt like she had lit my skin on fire.
“You’re going to get some liquids tomorrow” she said as she brought out yet another role of gauze. “That’s great news” she overemphasized just how ‘great’ that was.
I knew they were going to put in a feeding tube. I had lost so much weight that my skin hung from my bones. I looked like death. I had hoped that I was unfixable.
I really hated this fake happy that everyone kept giving me… but it was just another thing I was going to have to live with. I supposed this meant that I was going to have another surgery. I didn’t want any more help…I was ready to go.
*
“Do you need any help with that?” James asked taking in the soapy floor and my bent back attack on it.
“Not really… but if you could gather the last bit of trash by the door that would be great” I said. “We can run it out when we leave.”
“I already took the last of the trash that I could find out; all that is left is rinsing the floors. That is what Jacob said. He also said that I was to tell you that he was going to be a while yet and that you can leave whenever you are done” James walked gingerly closer to me careful of my soap bubbles “so do you need help or can I take off?” he said.
“Go ahead and go. I only have ten minutes or so then I will check on Jacob” I said.
Isaac never lets anyone stay here alone. James might as well get out while he can or I will be pulling rank and leaving him here alone with Jacob. I don’t know why that strikes me as so funny. The nephews generally ignore Jacob and I got the impression the feeling was mutual. Actually now that I pause to think on it Jacob doesn’t interact with them at all. Hard to do when he works with them almost daily. James and Jacob seemed to have a different relationship.
“Ok” he says heading back to the office to give Jacob the heads up. When he returns he pauses by the back door, “are you sure you don’t want any help?” he just kept asking.
He took me in with a wave of his hand. I was holding the squeegee by its head on my hands and knees trying to coax the water towards the drains. I didn’t realize that a few minutes must have passed… which told me more than anything else today… how completely exhausted I was. I wonder how long James had been standing there watching me.
I use so many colorful words when I have to do a task I hate. And I really hate the sound the squeegee makes when it is sluicing water off of uneven tile floors. I feel like he is smirking at me, while I am on all fours, sweaty, covered in crud, manhandling the water to obey me and go down the drains already.
Getting those back corners under the counters of the line was a pain in my butt. I was probably just projecting how done I wanted to be… probably.
“I am good… thanks” I said.
I was a little put off by this guy. I wasn’t sure how to take him exactly. I feel like he is hanging out waiting on me for some reason. And I know from hard experience that there is always a reason. I also feel sorry for him. There is no way he had ever spent a full day washing dishes in his life. And it is back breaking hard labor. I know I do it often enough. I wonder if he even took a break today.
“Be careful going out to your car. Have a good night” he pauses for one more moment longer than he needed to.
He was acting as if he had more to say. Then rather abruptly he leaves. The back door not slamming shut like it always does on his way out. He must have caught it before it could. I appreciated that. I was so tired of being jumpy.
Tossing my soiled apron into the wash bin in the back had an act of finality to it. I leaned against the wall staring at the strings of the apron. They hung down the sides of the bin on top of everyone else’s used and discarded things. I wasn’t really contemplating the dirty laundry just letting my mind catch up a bit with my body.
I was almost dosing against the wall with half lidded eyes when the sound of the office door slamming startled me. It took a second to reorient myself. I saw shiny white lights dance in front of my eyes. I probably should have eaten something today instead of napping.
Jacob came to the back where I was half asleep against the wall. He thrust a takeout box into my hands. And I stared at him sheepishly.
*
I sat up in the back seat of my car. Stiff was an understatement on how I had slept. Given the state of my clothing…I was fighting in my sleep. I immediately rolled down the windows to let out some of the trapped heat. Not that it made much of a difference. I could smell the dumpsters very strongly with the windows up…cost of sleeping in a parked car.
The sun had just started to rise. It was going to be another hot day. This part of the country was so flat…when the sun rose it was gigantic and red. Buildings didn’t hide the sunlight from the streets as it did in every other town I had been in before. It gave Main Street a sinister red glow as if it was to be a derelict set from a horror film.
It certainly was hot enough to be hell. The sun blinded with its brightness half raised as it was. I stared at the sun until I had nothing but its immense brightness before my eyes…and in my head.
I spent a moment just gazing blankly into the front seat wiping sleep and sunspots from my eyes. There was a cardboard box on the hood of my car. I didn’t know what to make of it. Next to dumpsters a cardboard box could have contained anything…likely not very pleasant.
It hadn’t been there when I had drifted off to sleep last night. I was contemplative this morning having dreamed of drops of gray water. I lost the dream before I could latch onto it…so I contemplated a random box instead. I was used to not dealing with things by now.
I decided that I couldn’t go anywhere until I moved the box so I got out. The gravel of the parking spot crunched loudly under my feet. The box appeared to be very clean… for cardboard. There was a cheerful red kerchief spread out across the top. I hesitated for longer than necessary before lifting the handkerchief off of the top of the box.
I could savory wafts coming from inside…it was full of food. The food appeared to be sound... and I looked around while I decided what I was going to do. Reaching into the box I noticed that the food was still warm and I emptied the contents of the box setting items down gently in a row along the hood of my car.
There was fried chicken, some small containers of salad, corn, a jar of home canned berry jam, and an entire loaf of hot homemade bread. It smelled amazing…and it looked so fresh. It didn’t seem real to me…the contents of the box. People didn’t actually cook like this. People didn’t feed strangers…home cooked meals were to impress others not for people living out of their cars.
There was no mistake that this was for me. I hadn’t heard anyone pull up alongside me when I was asleep in my car. And I always sleep lightly. I would have heard footsteps I was sure of it. I weighed the possibility that this was something…ominous. It all just smelled so good. I hadn’t eaten in a long time. I didn’t try to stop myself from digging in. It was the most amazing food I had ever had.
It happened again the next day…and the next. On the third day at the bottom of the box was a pamphlet for the VA housing program. I held the pamphlet for a long time before I opened it up. I felt this great tightness I had been avoiding for a long time… loosen in my chest.
*
“Dinna ya eat girly?” Jacob said removing his own apron and tossing it into the bin. “Ya knoe betta. Ete in ya car den drive home” he always seemed to know exactly what I ought to be doing.
It was usually…just when I reach the conclusion myself. It was still early by restaurant time not mu
ch past nine. I blushed with some embarrassment; I was old enough to know better. I just was too wrapped up in the day to take care of myself. I don’t think that it was intentional…this time.
“I will” I said. “Thank you so much for thinking of it.” Giving him a half hearted smile, not bothering to see what was inside. “There is pie in here isn’t there” I said. I could tell by the weight of the box.
I usually just eat what is in front of me without much complaint. I suppose that is an unusual attitude for someone who cooks for a living. It’s hard to have much of an appetite when you are practically buried to the neck in food every day. Jacob knew I had a sweet tooth and he just gave me a small sweet smile.
Jacob had done small kindnesses whenever he could since the day we met. It was odd that I couldn’t recall exactly when I had first met Jacob. I felt that he had always been a part of my life in Noel. I appreciated Jacob a great deal, but thanking him just embarrassed him. Jacob just didn’t want anyone knowing he was a big softy under all his grump. I didn’t recall him ever watching out for any other co-workers but in this business… people didn’t stick around long.
I pulled down my hoodie from the wall hook tucking it under my free arm. Jacob pushed the back door open gesturing for me to precede him out. He would walk me to my car before leaving himself; usually Isaac did it. It’s barely been a day and I already miss my routine with Isaac. I had become fixed in my habits in a way that was comfortable and reassuring. I hoped Isaac wouldn’t be gone for long he was an intricate part of my life…now.
The parking lot was completely empty except for my car. I didn’t bother to offer Jacob a ride. He tended to mock my need for transportation and relied on his own two feet. I wasn’t sure where he lived. He had never spent any time with me outside of work. I didn’t think twice about walking in an empty parking lot at night. This was Noel after all.
Merrily In Tragedy: Book One (Merrily We Live 1) Page 6
