by Ward, H. M.
I shrug, like it doesn’t mean anything. “Just around you.”
“You’re always around me.” Sean looks up slowly, his face expressionless.
“Then, I’ll wear it for a while,” I laugh uneasily and press my finger to his nose like he’s a little kid. “Can’t have you forgetting what you missed out on.”
“No, we wouldn’t want that.” His eyes shift down and he looks side to side, scanning the beach. I don’t know what he means, if he’s teasing me or if he’s being serious.
Either way, I don’t want to ruin whatever just happened. After everything that’s gone down, I needed this so badly and Sean seemed to know. I push off his lap and hold out my hand for him. My clothes stick to my body and I shiver as the wind hits me. It leaves very little to the imagination when clothing looks like skin.
Sean takes my hand and manages to get up before the next wave crashes. He pulls me against him and whispers in my ear, “We should do something to get warm.”
I press my lips together, still smiling so hard that my face hurts. “Ah, my call girl services don’t start until seven.”
“No, my dear,” Sean leans in and whispers in my ear. “I’m afraid you misunderstood. I’ll be servicing you.”
Giggling, I snap my fingers. “Sweatpants and hot cocoa?” He nods and rubs his hands up my back, pulling me against him. “Hot soup and fresh bread? Ooh! Lobster Soup?” I nearly have an orgasm thinking about it. I’m so cold and the thought alone of anything that warm is stimulating me in all the right ways. Mmmm. Soup.
Sean gives me a crooked smirk, revealing that dimple again. “Anything you want. Anything at all.” He winks and I chortle.
“I might want more than soup.” Maybe. Taking off my clothes sounds like suckage at the moment, but I think being naked must be better. I’m an Averysicle complete with chattering teeth.
Sean laughs and holds me tight. He lifts my feet off the ground, spinning me in a circle. When he puts me down, he presses his forehead to mine and says, “I was hoping you’d say that.”
11
Sean buys a truckload of JONES BEACH crap from the vendor since neither of us brought a change of clothes, and soon we’re walking down the new boardwalk, hand in hand.
“Where are we going? I was promised soup, Ferro. Don’t screw with me. I’m still frozen.”
Sean makes a noise in the back of his throat that sounds an awful lot like humming before he glances over at me. “In good time, short one.”
“Short one? Are you Yoda now? Sensei? Or what? Besides, I prefer vertically challenged…and a cup of soup.” I stomp my flip-flops and fold my arms over my chest.
Sean stops and smiles at me, snaking his fingers under the hem of my huge ass sweatshirt as he looks down at me. “You are such a baby when you’re hungry.”
My bottom lip juts out and I’m whining, “I am not,” before I can stop myself. A million excuses fill my head, but I realize that I don’t need to say any of them. Sean’s not complaining. In fact, he seems to like it.
Huh, turns out my mom was wrong. Whining isn’t unattractive. I wish she were here to have that discussion. My thoughts drift a little more before I look up at him again. It’s unreal how many different thoughts can fly through my mind at once. I’m not a logical person. My mind is a vortex, always swirling like a twister, ripping apart everything I’m seeing and hearing and trying to make sense of it. Like the man standing in front of me. This is a softer version of Sean. I’ve seen this edition a few times and I know he won’t stay like this for long. It’s something about this place, or that he’s intentionally unguarded right now. Or maybe it’s because he got wet and I fed him after midnight. I have no idea what made him act like this today, but I wish I saw more of this side of him. Sean seems to keep it locked away, like this side of his personality doesn’t exist. Maybe that’s what he wants people to think, because this part of him is clearly vulnerable. Even I can see that.
He slips his hand under my shirt and says, “What if I told you that I had dinner all arranged, but I forgot the soup?”
The corners of my mouth tip down as I consider his statement. “No soup?”
“I seriously doubt it. As it is, I gave the chef a coronary telling him to make dinner so fast. I almost suggested hamburgers, but I think he would have fired me.” Sean kisses my cheek and then takes my hand, pulling me toward one of the closed buildings. I assume that we’ll walk under the portico and out to the parking lot on the other side, but he stops and pulls the door open for me.
“Are we looting a state park gift shop?” I joke, and look over my shoulder at him. “Ooh! Dibs on the park passes! I’m going to cover myself in Empire Passport stickers!” There’s a huge smile on my face. I probably look like a deranged circus clown.
“What are you talking about?”
“The parking pass thingy that sticks on the car window so you get into the park for free. You don’t get out much, do you?”
Sean holds the door as I stand there, looking up at him. “I seriously wonder about you. It’s like there’s an old lady and a toddler fighting for control of your brain.”
I flick his nose and laugh. “The old lady won tonight, sonny. She’s a little crotchety since she’s learned that she’s not getting any soup!”
Smiling, he says, “Go inside, lunatic.”
“Make me, Mr. Ferro.” I say it lightly, teasingly. I don’t think Sean will do anything. He never does, so when he leans in close, his face a breath from mine, and makes a purring sound in the back of his throat, my jaw drops. As soon as he stops, I want to hear it again. I can’t remember why we’re standing in a doorway or what we were talking about. That sound is rarer than that dimple, which has been begging to be licked all day. Do you know how hard it is NOT to lick Sean Ferro? Add that dimple and I’m lost. But the deep, husky sound that came from Sean, from my Sean—oh my God—kill me now. I could die happy.
“Aroused again, Miss Stanz?”
Pressing my lips together, I stop gaping and punch his side. “Jerk.”
He laughs. “Translation: hells yeah.” I look over my shoulder as we walk over the threshold, and wonder if I know him at all. Since I keep wondering that, I assume that I don’t. When you know a person, they stop surprising you, don’t they? If he does anything else I might die of shock. Oops. Spoke too soon.
My feet suddenly stop as my mouth falls open. “What did you do?” The little shop has been cleared out so that there’s only a single dining table, complete with drippy candles, and two chairs. White twinkle lights surround the room, hidden in pale flowing fabric that mimics the waves. The sound and scent of the ocean fills my head, but the fireplace next to the table warms the room. The scents of fall, seawater, and crackling wood mix together.
“I thought you might need a nice night.” Sean sounds uncertain, like he isn’t sure if I like it.
Turning slowly, I look up at him. “You did this for me?” He nods. “When?” Other than the altercation with Naked Guy, Sean has been with me all day. I can’t imagine when he had time to arrange it.
Looking at me through those thick, dark lashes, he says, “When we first got here. You ran into the ladies room, and I called my mother’s chef and had him come out along with a few of her designers to make the room a little better. I just had to keep you from freezing to death before now. I didn’t plan on going for a swim.”
“You should have taken off your boots.” I grin at him.
Sean steps toward me, his eyes darkening, and that sexy smile on his lips. He brushes the back of his hand along my cheek before whispering in my ear. “I’m glad I didn’t.” I shiver, but it has nothing to do with being cold.
12
Course after course is brought out to the table on silver trays. Beautiful Ferro china plates that cost more than my car are placed in front of me with little portions of food. I stare at my main course without moving to pick up a fork. My head is tilted to the side slightly as I look at my plate.
“What’s wr
ong?” Sean asks. “I thought you liked chicken cordon bleu, and those little carrots.”
My bottom lip quivers and I can see the horror spreading across Sean’s face like spilled paint. I rush to wipe away the look before I ruin all his hard work. I would have never thought he’d do something like this for me, ever. Reaching across the table, I take his hand and pat it. “I do. I mean, I haven’t had a meal like this since my parents died. The only time I eat chicken cordon bleu is at Wendy’s. And I do love little carrots. This is beyond words, Sean.”
My stomach sinks as my old life clashes with the new one. This man is trying so hard to make me smile, but he conjured ghosts with his gift. When I look up at him, I try my best to blind him with a bright smile, but he sees the sadness in my eyes. I’m such a train wreck. Sniffling, I smile and ask, “Who cries over cute little carrots?” My vision blurs as my eyes brim with tears.
Without a word, Sean stands, walks over to my seat, and holds out his hand. The chef comes out, looking rather horrified, and covers the plates with silvery domes before disappearing into the back room again. Seeing Sean’s hard body in a soft sweat suit is so strange. My eyes travel over him once more before I take his hand and apologize.
Sean pulls me into his arms and holds me for a moment. Then music starts playing. It’s a slow song, something that I haven’t heard in a long time. Sean takes my hand as he steps back and pulls me with him. His other hand drops to my waist. Looking down at me, he slides his flip flopped feet across the floor and I can’t help but smile. “You can dance?”
“And you can follow. Who knew?” he teases, as he grips my hand loosely and leads me under his arm so I do a slow spin before coming back to him.
“I can follow.” He laughs. “Okay, that’s a lie. I can follow sometimes, when my mood is right.”
“And the waning moon is hung in the winter sky, just to the right of Jupiter—” Sean makes an oof sound as I elbow him.
“Didn’t your mother teach you manners? You seem to say whatever snide remark is floating through your mind.” The memories of my mother’s voice and wintery nights in our warm little house are no longer strangling me now that I’m in his arms.
How am I supposed to reconcile my past with my present? It seems impossible. People told me that one day the memories won’t hurt so much, but each time one pops up, it feels like I’ve been hit over the head with a shovel. One day I’ll smile and the grief won’t be there. Such thoughts seem like fairy tales. I’m more likely to find an alligator wearing a tutu on the subway, than think of my parents and smile without feeling any pain.
Sean’s voice tightens. “My mother taught me many things. She’s a ruthless, cold woman, and not the person who you’d want me to emulate.”
“Oh.” Before I manage to completely mess up the evening, I add, “Then tell me, if you could pattern yourself after someone, who would it be?”
He smiles and the coldness in his eyes melts. “You.”
I think he’s joking, but he stops dancing and takes both my hands in his. “I’m serious. You’re warm and kind. You don’t hide who you are or what you think. You wear your heart on your sleeve even though it’s been fractured. When you care for someone, you do it wholly and not in part. You don’t hold back. You’re not selfish. Not once have you asked me for anything, even though you need everything. You’re borderline destitute and you haven’t asked me for a dime.”
Sean’s lashes lower as he speaks and he continues the slow dance that’s turned into more of a rocking hug. His voice sounds strained, like these things are difficult to say. “You’re lonely and I’m alone. It seemed like a good fit, like we complement each other, but it’s more than that. You saw it and I didn’t. When you said you were going to propose to me, every part of me protested to the idea. Marriage is something that nearly destroyed me before, but since I met you—I don’t know.”
Sean looks down at the floor before glancing up at me with those gem colored eyes. “When you said you wouldn’t ask me to marry you, I didn’t like it. It made me think of the little house and wonder what it would be like to live there with you—to hear your voice echoing through the halls every day. It made me wonder what I could do that would make you think I was worth marrying.”
“And what’d you come up with?” My head is floating off my shoulders. There’s nothing he could have said that would have made me light up more.
Taking a deep breath, Sean replies, “Nothing. There is nothing I can do to make me deserve someone like you. No matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, you’ll always be a better person than I am, which is why I can’t let you go.”
His words make my stomach flip and I stop breathing. We stop moving. I had been thinking that he’s just talking, saying things I want to hear, until he said that part. “What do you mean?”
Sean smiles and tucks a stray hair behind my ear. “I mean exactly that. I can’t let you go. I’ll take you any way I can get you. If I have to buy you from Black, I will. If I have to share you,” his jaw tightens but he manages to say it, “because you want to keep working for her, I will. I will do and be anything you want, as long as I can be near you. Avery, you make me a better man. Without you, well, there’s nothing. I’m lost in darkness and you’re my only ray of light.” Sean lowers himself so he’s on one knee and looks up at me.
The smile I’m wearing falls off and thuds on the floor. What is he doing? I stagger back as he kneels in front of me. My heart slams into my ribs and falls over. This can’t be happening. I’m dreaming, or I’m dead. Is he proposing? He can’t be? But he’s kneeling. A cold chill works its way through my body, tickling my insides, as it passes through my chest and settles in my stomach. My throat tightens as I lock my jaw to keep from speaking. I blink rapidly, trying not to rip my hand away, because I fear this is some cruel joke, but Sean’s not laughing. Not at all.
He’s reaching into his pocket and pulls something out. Lifting it up to me, I can see the perfect little circle with a bright diamond on top. There are two side stones, each one a sapphire as blue as his eyes. Pressing my lips together, I stare at the ring and try to blink the stinging sensation out of my eyes.
Looking up at me, Sean continues, “I wish I were more eloquent, that I had a better way with words, but I’m afraid I’m utterly lacking. There’s no profession that will convince you. There’s no testament of adoration to persuade you. I’m afraid that this is all there is and all I have to offer. I’m a broken man that you brought back from the abyss. I know I don’t deserve you, and it’s selfish for me to ask, but I have to. You’ve lit up my life too brightly, for too long, and made it so I can’t tolerate the shadows anymore. So, I must ask you a question.”
The moment is so unreal that I don’t realize I’ve spoken until I hear my voice. “Ask me…”
13
The moment seems unreal. Never in a million years did I think that I would ever see Sean Ferro on his knee in front of me. The idea of him proposing is preposterous, and yet, here he is on one knee holding up a ring. My legs feel like they’re going to give way, but I don’t move. It’s one of those few moments in life where time slows to a crawl, and I’m acutely aware of everything around me. The scent of the ocean, the sound of the waves, and the fuzzy new sweats are caressing my skin. The fireplace crackles and a log breaks, sending a spray of sparks up the chimney. I can’t smile or speak. I’m suspended somewhere between reality and a dream. There’s nothing that could break this moment. I want it to last forever; I want to treasure it as one of the few times that Sean’s let me into his heart.
Normally this man is so closed down, and so guarded, that it’s impossible to know what he’s thinking. Most days I haven’t a clue of how he feels or what he actually wants. I think I can see his affection for me in his eyes, but it’s not the same as hearing the words fall from those beautiful lips. I crave to know what he thinks more than anything else, because those little confessions form an intimate connection between us.
There have been
a few times where Sean seemed unguarded—Cardiac Hill in the snow and this morning on the beach—but they’ve been fleeting. That version of Sean appears in short bursts and is a glory to behold, and I crave more. I live for those moments, and now that I’m in one I’m so afraid of shattering it.
In the past, Sean has tried to open up, but then he did a one-eighty. That was more crushing than if he’d never let me get close to him at all. The thing is, I can’t blame him. I’m not saying it doesn’t make me want to throw things and my eye twitch—because it does—but I understand his hesitation.
I know what it means to try and love again after living through such a devastating loss. There was a time when I thought that I could simply shut everyone out. Love isn’t a requirement to live, and I’d planned to do without. It made sense at the time. Loss was too gruesome to bear, but then I met Sean and I knew there was something about him. Our fates intertwined, and it’s finally more than that. He wants me and he’s going to say as much. That ring sparkles in front of me like a promise I thought he’d never say.
I suck in a shaky breath and finally manage to tear my gaze away from the ring and over to Sean’s face. He looks vulnerable, with a childlike expression. The hardened mask he constantly wears is gone, and I only see sincerity mingling with hope in those blue eyes. It kills me that he’s been so alone for so long. It’s like he doesn’t trust another soul on earth, but in this moment, he trusts me. There was a time that I thought Sean didn’t have any hope, and that was what made us different from one another. However, the emotion is clear. Hope. It’s plainly visible, unmasked and unguarded. Sean thinks I can save him, and that he can save me. He thinks we have a future together.
Too many thoughts rush through my mind and spiral into a pit of concern. What about that darkness within him? Where did it go? Does being Sean’s wife mean that he needs that sexual control over me, that he’ll twist and manipulate my fears to suit his needs? I know he says that part of him is gone, but it can’t be, can it? It’s been there too long to simply vanish. I’m not foolish enough to think that we’ll have a happily ever after, not with the amount of heartache we’ve had. But maybe we can make it to a bright spot in our otherwise hellish lives.
