by Ward, H. M.
Sean’s lips come crashing down on mine, hot and perfect. His kiss is wild, demanding and devouring. As his lips slip to my neck, he dips his hand between my legs, pressing between my thighs. My body is in emotional overload. The faster I breathe, the hotter it gets. The warmer I am, the more afraid I become. The room shrinks with each gasp, but I want him. It’s a strange sensation, caught between lust and fear, and I can’t control myself. Tears streak my face, but there’s a smile on my lips. I’m insane. That’s got to be what’s wrong with me, because I almost like this. It’s intense, and all consuming.
Sean lifts me and presses my back against the wall. His strong hands grip my upper thighs as I wrap my legs around his hips. Sweat drips down my temples as Sean slowly pushes into me and my head slams back into the wall. There’s no air, no light. My mind tells me I’m dying, but my body is climbing higher and higher, tingling with that insatiable feeling that’s delicious torture. Sean’s thrusts start out slow and rhythmic. He doesn’t speak and I wonder if I’m going to pass out. It’s so hot and the air is so still. My mind is screaming like there’s a pillow obstructing my face, but the delicious pulsing between my legs keeps me sane. Sean slams into me harder and faster, rocking us higher and higher. I hear myself sob and don’t know why. I don’t understand the tears or the terror that’s coursing through me, but when I feel him between my legs, when Sean loses it and shoves into me that final time before he stills, I feel perfect, and my body responds and shatters. My nails bite into his skin as I cry out and feel the release.
The high from this is different, and I don’t know what to think. I can’t think. My body doesn’t know what I’m doing, or how it should react. I’m not sad, even though I shudder in his arms and tears streak my cheeks. My heart is pounding at the aftershocks and I can barely breathe, but it’s hard to tell if it’s from fear or euphoria.
I stay there like that, pressed to the wall with him still inside of me. Sean’s hands grip my thighs and his thumbs rub little circles on my skin. Neither of us says anything for a moment. I don’t want to move, but I can’t hold my legs around him any longer. They start shaking, so Sean pulls out and puts me down. My knees nearly buckle and my entire body is trembling, but I manage to pull the hem of my dress back down.
I hear Sean moving, redressing himself, before the lights come back on. They flicker, making me blink several times. As soon as his eyes adjust, he turns to look at me. Sean is pristine in his suit without a wrinkle on him. Meanwhile, I look and feel like a total mess. I’m covered in sweat and can barely stand.
For a moment we just watch each other. Then Sean finally says, “I can’t believe you did that for me.”
I lean back against the wall, and clutch the bar so I don’t fall over. I don’t trust myself to speak. Sean smiles at me and nods, before turning to the control panel again. I’m afraid he’s going to stop it and I can’t manage to be in here for another second. As it is, I’m going to need therapy after this, so I lunge for him. “No, please. I can’t.”
But Sean’s already done what he wanted. He pressed every button for every floor and then turns to me, smiling wide. “I needed more time, because I have something I need to tell you.” Sean tucks his chin and steps over to me, with his hands in his pockets. It’s such a boyish gesture, and so was pressing all the buttons, that I have no idea what he wants to do. The doors open and fresh air hits my face, calming me.
An irritated hotel employee is standing there with a crowd of people behind him. He’s saying something, but Sean ignores him. I take a deep breath before the doors slip shut again.
“Avery, I’m selfish. I’ve always been that way and what you just did was so completely…” he sucks in air and shakes his head. “There are no words. You give everything you have. You don’t hold back, and by God, if I could be like you for even a moment, if I could have your strength, your courage, your conviction—I can’t even fathom it.” The elevator is stopping floor by floor as he speaks. Sean doesn’t pause. He doesn’t look at the people waiting outside in the hallway, people who don’t want to get onto the broken elevator with the monologuing man.
The doors close and the pattern repeats until a little old lady gets on with us. She looks at me and then Sean, and smiles at his words. She’s wearing a pink paisley dress, with a matching pink satin bowling jacket that says RONKONKOMA SEXY DEVILS across the back, with an evening bag under her arm.
She reaches into it and hands me a tissue. “I think he’s going to ask you something, dear.” The old woman smiles, like this is the highlight of her night.
I take the tissue and dab my eyes. “Thank you, but you’re mistaken.” I don’t look at either of them and try to keep my gaze on the floor.
That’s when Sean drops to one knee and holds up a ring to me. “She’s not mistaken, and neither were you. I should have asked you. I should have said it sooner, and I wish I could say it better. Avery Stanz, will you marry me? Will you be my wife and share my life? Will you let me love you in sickness and in health? Will you let me stand beside you for the rest of my life? Because, if you say yes, I will love you with all my heart. I won’t withhold myself from you, like I’ve done for so long. I will protect you and give you everything I have. Will you share my bed, my soul, and my life?”
The doors ding open on another floor and the people smile at the sight. Me with a shocked face, the old lady is grinning and close to clapping, and Sean on his knee holding up a ring. As the doors slip shut, they groan since they won’t hear my answer.
It’s then that I realize I’m taking too long. My heart is pounding and I’m lost in limbo, caught between reality and dreamland. But I’m awake, and Sean’s looking up at me, blinking those bright blue eyes, completely and totally vulnerable.
I find my voice. “You jumped.” I sound shocked.
He nods. “I’d do anything for you, Avery. I’ll be anything you want, anything you need, no matter what you say, but I hope you say yes.” He smiles hard and those dimples flash and disappear.
“Yes. Yes, to all those things.” My lips quiver and I start sobbing as I hold out my hand. It’s shaking so much that Sean has to take it in his to slide the ring on my finger. When the cold metal touches my hot skin a shiver races over me, and I gasp.
When Sean stands, he takes me in his arms and holds me. The old woman claps and rides the elevator up to our floor with us, chattering excitedly, and wishing us well.
For a second, a bitter thought crosses my mind. “You’d wish those things for us even if he were Sean Ferro?” Sean tenses in my arms. It’s reckless, because in this moment his guard is down, and so is mine. If the old woman reacts the way the woman did earlier, I’ll cry. I don’t know why I said it. Something within me urged me to ask, so I did.
The elderly lady smiles, and touches my arm. “I’d wish every happiness on the two of you, especially if he were Sean Ferro. That man has more pain in his life than one person could reasonably tolerate, yet he bears it with grace. Everyone deserves a little ray of happiness after so much rain.”
25
Sean presses his lips to the side of my face, covering me in little kisses. I giggle, I can’t help it. It feels like I’m floating, as if nothing could ruin this moment. The ring catches my eye, sparkling in the dim light of the elevator. I want to look at it, but I don’t want to pull away from Sean. I don’t want this moment to end. Something changed today. The walls that Sean erected came crashing down and he finally let me in. There’s nothing between us now and I can’t wait to snuggle against him once we get back to the room. It’s so hard not to jump up and down. I want to tell everyone and show them the ring. I want to tell them that I was right, that Sean wasn’t going to be the one to destroy me. I trusted my gut and I was right. It feels so good. The last few months have tossed me around so much that I didn’t know which way was up, but tonight, my feet are on the ground, right where they should be—between Sean Ferro and a crazy old lady who looks like she wants to celebrate with me.
S
he pulls out her phone and deflates when she can’t get a signal. “All my friends are going to be so jealous! I got to see the sweetest proposal I’ve ever witnessed and they’re all sitting in the room.” She chortles and holds her phone up, tilting it to the side like that’ll help it get some bars. “They’re going to blow a gasket when they find out it was Sean Ferro. And you... You are so sweet. I’m going to call you Sweetie.”
Sean holds me to his chest, hugging me hard and laughs. “She is sweet, and thoughtful, and completely perfect.” He kisses the top of my head and I feel my face flame red, which makes the old lady laugh more.
When the doors open on our floor, we both step out. The old woman stays behind. “Congratulations, you two! I’m going to go tell the girls!” She presses the button for her floor, the doors close, and she disappears.
There’s a fairytale smile plastered across my face. I used to wonder how princesses could look like that for so long. It has to be because of the prince. I’m talking about cartoon princesses, of course. When someone draws the perfect man, there’s a lot to smile about. Sean is by no means perfect, but he’s perfect for me.
Before we take another step, the squawk of a police CB shatters the hallway’s stuffy silence. Sean’s eyes narrow as his gaze shoots to the end of the hall. They’re standing in front of our room.
Instinct takes over and I grab Sean’s arm and try to pull him to the stairwell. It’s right next to me, but Sean shakes his head. They haven’t seen us yet. He shakes his head, and makes a snap decision. Leaning in close, he kisses my cheek, and shoves me into the stairwell as he does it. “Stay out of sight.”
Without a word, Sean walks toward the room. I glance through the little rectangle of glass, but I can’t see him. I can’t leave the hotel without setting off my bracelet, and I can’t hang out in the stairwell either. My stomach lurches as I consider why the police are here—what it means. Mel was in the room. Something bad could have happened to her, or worse. Someone reported us, which means someone knows we were here with Sean and what we are.
If the cops are looking for call girls, I look the part. Part of me wants to ignore Sean and walk down the hall. But, I’m not that stupid, so I rush down the flight of stairs and grab the elevator to the lobby. As I pass a large marble table with an oversized floral arrangement, I grab a newspaper and head to one of the posh seats. There are tons of reporters right outside the front doors. Flashes keep going off. I feel so sick. Should I crush the bead on my bracelet? Does this count as danger? Black could be exposed if they find me, but they must have found Mel.
I sit down on a blue velvet armchair and slouch back like I’m not freaking out. As I ponder whether or not to break the bead, I hear three hotel employees speaking in hushed whispers. “I can’t believe it’s him, I mean first his wife and now this.”
“I know. At least he can’t get away with it twice.”
The third voice chimes in, “I don’t know, people don’t have a lot of sympathy for hookers.”
My spine goes straight. I can’t turn and look at them. The buzzing in my head has grown so loud that I can no longer hear their words. It sounds like they think Sean killed a hooker. That means that the cops were in his room because… Mel’s dead?
She can’t be. I just saw her. She was fine, but they just said… Oh my God. I can’t stand it. I turn around and look at them, unable to hide the emotions as they crawl out of my stomach. My jaw drops. I want to ask them what happened, but if I speak, they’ll connect the dots. People saw me and Mel walk in together and my clothes say everything. Even so, I don’t want to leave Sean and Mel up there. She has to be fine. It’s suddenly so hot inside that I feel like I’m going to hurl.
The air in here is too hot, too stuffy. I can’t breathe. My skin is numb and it feels like I’m walking in a bubble of cold mist. I try to exit through the bar, but it’s packed and there are people guarding the door, keeping the press out. Worry pinches my brow and I decide to head to the ladies room to give myself time to think. Sean said to leave. I need to leave, but I have to do it without being seen. Too bad everyone and their goddamn dog notices me in this dress! I’m about to push through the bathroom door, when a hand rests on my shoulder.
My elbow flies back and jabs the guy in the gut.
26
I hear an oof sound and spin on my heel. “Leave me—oh God! Gabe.”
The old guy makes a face and coughs. “Nice move. Let’s get you out of here without being noticed.”
“What happened? Where’s Mel?”
“Later. First things first. Black sent this. Change, and walk straight out the front door. The car is at the curb.” He hands me a little designer overnight bag.
Taking it, I nod and push into the bathroom. I don’t question him. I can’t think. The memory of the CB chirping and the sound of static rings in my ears. I see the open door and horror grips my throat hard. I change quickly and think about calling Mel, but I can’t. If she’s in trouble, it’ll make it worse. Maybe she’s fine and they just found out that Sean hired hookers. That means that they might be looking for me.
I pull on the modest dress and change my shoes to a ballet flat. There’s make-up remover and a pair of glasses. I lighten my eye shadow and lipstick, and then pin back my hair. After I put on the glasses, I look like a vintage Jackie O. I blink at my reflection, heart pounding, and try to look normal.
It feels like everyone is watching me, but no one even glances my way. People are huddled together, talking in quiet tones, saying things that I can’t hear. A couple passes me after showing their room key to the guards at the door while others do the same thing at the elevator bank. A man hurries past me and out the front doors. He’s wearing a suit with a red tie.
His voice booms as he explains, “There was an unfortunate event here this evening, and we don’t want to make it more difficult on the family than it already is. Please separate...” his voice dies as the doors close behind him.
It’s not true. It can’t be. I don’t know what happened in that room and I can’t leave this place until I find out. I don’t care what Black does to me or if I incriminate myself. I’m frozen in place, halfway between the doors and the elevators when my phone vibrates.
It’s Marty. I pick up without thinking and he starts spewing questions at me before I can say anything. “What the hell happened? Are you guys all right? They said on the news that there’d been a violent crime, but they didn’t say anything else. Then, Ferro’s name popped up and, my God—tell me that you’re all right. Tell me that bastard didn’t hurt you.”
“I’m fine. He didn’t hurt me. Sean didn’t hurt anyone, but I think something happened to Mel. Gabe is waiting for me outside. He wants to take me back to Black’s but I can’t leave her here. I can’t leave.” My voice trails off and I already realize what I’m doing. Walking past the guard, I flash my room key card and step into the elevator, and press the button.
Marty is scolding me, telling me to get the hell out of there, but I don’t understand the rest. As soon as I’m standing in the metal box, the connection is lost. I turn off my phone and shove it into my purse, and press the button.
When the doors open I have a strange sense of déjà vu, except last time I was here, I was happy. Glancing down at the ring on my finger, I take a step. I’m out of the elevator and onto the hallway carpet. There’s a uniformed police officer with his back to me. Someone inside the room is talking to him. Every step I take feels unreal as I brace myself for whatever I might see. Mel can’t be dead, she can’t be, but when the open doorway comes into view I freeze.
There’s a limp, mocha-colored wrist lying on a blood stained carpet. The manicured fingers are curled and still. Her forearm disappears beneath a white sheet and the black bead from her bracelet is shattered next to her on the carpet. I stand there and stare, unable to move. My mind rejects what my eyes are telling me. Everything around me floats away as horror slams down hard on my shoulders, making my knees buckle, and forcing me to the fl
oor.
27
This can’t be happening. The phrase repeats over and over again in my mind as my skin prickles with dread. There’s so much blood on the carpet, seeping out from under the sheet. The crushed black bead did her no good.
The cop doesn’t see me yet. Any second he’ll turn around and I have no idea what I’ll say. The floor isn’t closed off. I don’t know why and I don’t care. Sean is going to kill me for coming back up here, but I can’t leave Mel like this. My heart is stuck in my throat, forming a giant knot that won’t go away no matter how hard I swallow.
A noise startles me out of my trance and I glance at the purse, clutched tightly in my hands. The cop turns and sees me. Sean’s voice is spilling from within the room and I only take notice when it stops. He knows I’m here. The ring tone clangs again before I realize what it means. My shoulders stiffen and I dig through my bag, trying to find the phone as fast as possible.
“You shouldn’t be up here, miss.” The cop says, and starts to walk toward me.
My smile is weak, timid almost. “I’m sorry, I—” I stop talking and look at the picture on my screen. Ice drips down my spine and pools in my stomach. Mel’s murderer stole her phone and is calling me. The crass stripper ring tone blares again and I swipe the button to accept the call. “Hello?”
The cop walks toward me as I stand still, shivering. I expect to hear a male’s voice, someone sick and twisted. He’s going to say something horrible, but what I hear shocks me even more.
“Avery? Are you listening to me? Get the fuck out of there! Now!” It’s Mel. My hands start shaking and I suck in a ragged breath.
