by E. L. Todd
I Will Follow You
Book Seventeen of The Forever and Ever Series
E. L. Todd
“I love you more than I think I should.”
Becca Fitzpatrick –Crescendo-
Chapter One
Silke
Having Arsen in my life made me rethink a few things. I wasn’t sure how I felt about him or his association with my parents, but I knew it meant something. I was still angry with him for what he did, but yet, I didn’t mind being around him.
But when he asked that question, if I loved Pike, it made me extremely defensive.
What business was it of his?
Why did he care?
He had no right to ask me that.
I avoided my parents and didn’t speak to them. Every time I wanted to go by their apartment, I avoided it. I feared I would run into Arsen again. For some reason, I was angry with him. Saying my feelings out loud opened a dam. I’d been repressing them for so long. Since we parted when he went to prison, I never had a chance to tell him how angry I was. I never had a chance to tell him how much he hurt me.
So, when he asked me that question, I broke down and blurted out every thought. I said things that pained him. It was clear by the look on his face. But I didn’t care. I let everything out and made sure he didn’t forget what happened between us. I didn’t know if he wanted anything with me, or if he was just looking for my friendship, but he needed to know he wouldn’t get anything from me.
But all these emotions made me realize something, something I already knew but was too frightened to admit. While Arsen broke my heart and treated me like I was less than dirt, it made me realize I really loved him.
That was the only reason why I would be this angry.
I did love him when we were together. I did feel something strong for him. That explained why everything hurt. It explained why I wanted to see him, even if it took three hours of me standing across the street before I made the decision to see him.
I needed closure.
But even after yelling at him, it made me think of Pike. The two relationships were so different they couldn’t be compared. But there was a huge difference between them. The second Arsen and I saw each other across the room, I knew there was something there.
Innate and powerful, a connection formed between us. Lust was obviously involved. He was the most attractive man I’d ever seen. The way his shirt clung to his muscled chest and the way his broad shoulders looked in his leather jacket made my mouth feel parched. His jeans hung low on his hips, and his eyes were deeper than the deepest part of the ocean.
But there was more to it than that.
When he approached me and opened his mouth, I was immediately his. We bantered back and forth, and he was extremely charming. I had an attitude and too much sass but he seemed to like it.
The chemistry was there.
The night ended with us making out in front of his bike. He kissed me like no one ever had before. His hand dug into my hair and he gripped me tightly. His mouth took mine in a passionate embrace.
A week after that happened, I knew. I probably even knew it then.
That I loved him more than words could ever explain.
It was innately true. I could argue with it but it wouldn’t change anything. I was being stupid and reckless, giving my heart to a man who didn’t deserve it. But that still didn’t change the past.
And never once did I feel that way about Pike.
Even though the relationship with Arsen ended in the worst possible way, it didn’t change what happened in the beginning. It didn’t change what I felt. And I wanted to feel that again, for someone new.
If it hadn’t happened by now, it would never happen.
And I knew what I had to do.
***
I went to Pike’s house after work and walked inside. He was sitting at the kitchen table reading a book. A cup of tea was in front of him.
“It’s me,” I called.
“I know.” He stood up then kissed me. “Hey, Rose.”
“Hey.” I kissed him back then sat across from him. I didn’t want to have this conversation. I was dreading it. Pike was a wonderful guy and I didn’t want to hurt him. I wished I could absorb the agony into myself and spare him any suffering.
I hated myself for letting his relationship continue as long as it had. There was no doubt that I truly cared about Pike. He was amazing, to say the least. But it wasn’t there, whatever it was that made a love passionate.
“Is everything alright?” He put his book aside and looked at me.
“Uh, no.” I didn’t want to beat around the bush.
“Talk to me about it,” he said calmly.
I took a deep breath and considered my following words carefully. “Pike, you’re a great guy and I care about you. However, I don’t see this relationship going anywhere.”
He stared at me blankly like he hadn’t heard me.
Did he hear what I said?
“You don’t see it going anywhere?” he asked quietly.
“No, I don’t. I’m sorry.”
If he was hurt he didn’t show it. There was no anger or pain in his eyes. “And what made you come to this conclusion?”
“You love me. But I don’t love you.”
His eyes flinched slightly, not expecting my bluntness.
When it came to break ups, I didn’t believe in making it gentle. It needed to be clear and concise. Otherwise, they would hope for reconciliation. “It’s been six months, and if I was going to love you, I would have by now. The fact it hasn’t happened makes me question this relationship. I know how important time is to you. I don’t want to waste any more of it.”
He processed my words for a long time. Silence stretched for minutes. It carried on so long I wasn’t sure if he was going to speak at all. “Silke, I have to ask you something.”
“Okay.”
“Does this have anything to do with Arsen?”
“It does, “I said honestly.
“Are you going back to him?” Emotion caught in his throat slightly.
“No, not at all.”
“Then I don’t understand…”
“Arsen and I spoke the other day. I lost my cool and yelled at him. I told him off for the way he treated me. I ripped into him without any mercy. And that anger made me realize how much I loved him at one point in time. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t still be upset.”
“I’m still not following,” he said quietly.
“Even though our relationship was unhealthy, I knew I loved him within the first week. We’ve been together for six months and that hasn’t happened. There’s certainly chemistry between us, but no passion.”
He nodded his head slowly. “So, you’re ending this relationship with me because you suspect you’ll never feel the way you did for Arsen for me?”
“Exactly. I want that passion and drive, but just for the right guy. I’m sorry, Pike.”
He stared at the table for a moment. “Have you ever considered the possibility that you’re just emotional right now? Since Arsen has made an appearance in your life?”
“I am emotional,” I said. “And that’s why I’ve come to this conclusion. But it doesn’t change the facts. You’re a friend, a best friend, more than anyone else. I agreed to be with you because I liked you a lot, but you’re safe. You’re someone who will never hurt me. I wanted that for once in my life.”
“Then let me continue to be that for you.”
“But I want more,” I said firmly. “Now that Arsen is around again, he’ll give me closure. Then I can move on for good.”
“Or he’ll just confuse you more than you already are.”
“I’m not confused about anything,” I said firmly. “I don’t want to be
with Arsen again. I care about him, even after everything he did to me, but I can’t pretend he didn’t break my heart into indefinite pieces. I doubt I can even give him a friendship, let alone romance. I don’t trust him.”
He sighed then rubbed the back of his neck. “Silke, you know how I feel about you even though I’ve only said it once. It’s difficult for me to let you go. Normally, I let the future run its course even if it doesn’t always go the way I wish. But this…this is hard for me. My heart is telling me to fight for you, to ask for another chance.”
This was breaking my heart. “Pike, you didn’t do anything. You couldn’t do anything better. That feeling just isn’t there. When you met me at the art show, I wasn’t in a good place. I was over Arsen but I was still lost. And that fire never started.”
“Give me a chance and I’ll make you feel differently.”
I grabbed his hand and held it. “It’s not you, Pike. I just don’t love you.” I felt my eyes burn with tears. I didn’t want to shut him down like this. He didn’t deserve to be hurt. He didn’t deserve this pain.
He stared at our joined hands then rubbed his thumb along my knuckle. “I understand…”
“I do love you…just not in the way you love me.”
He looked into my eyes. “ I know, Silke.”
I was grateful I hadn’t moved him to tears. If his heart was broken, it didn’t seem like it. “I would love it if we could be friends…after we have some space from each other.”
“I would like that too.”
“I’m sorry…I really wish things were different. It would make my life so much easier if it were.”
“It’s okay, Silke. Love is a complicated thing. It can’t be explained our quantified. But when you know, you know.”
I nodded.
“But I would very much like to hold you…if that’s okay.”
Without answering I moved to his lap and he wrapped his arms around me. I held him tightly and closed my eyes, wishing I could be in love. I wished I could be happy. I wished that Pike were the one.
Why couldn’t he be?
***
The next few weeks were spent in deep sadness. There were times when I wanted to call Pike and tell him I changed my mind. Just because I didn’t love him didn’t mean I didn’t care about him.
And it didn’t mean I didn’t miss him.
He’d become my closest friend, the person I confided everything to. We went to the movies together, and sometimes he read on the couch while I lay my head in his lap. Silence trickled by, but there was no pressure to say a word.
Now all of that was gone.
I knew what I was looking for in a relationship, and if I saw it, I would recognize it. I wanted that same passion and all consuming love I had with Arsen, but I wanted it with the right guy, someone who wouldn’t hurt me like that.
One day I would be in a better place, and one day it would happen. But that day wasn’t now. I busied myself with work and sculpting. Every night I came home and turned on my radio. Then I worked at the kitchen table, creating something from the dark recesses of my mind. I had no interest in spending time with anyone. I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts, no matter how depressing they were.
Arsen came into my mind every now and then. I thought about his daughter a lot. She was adorable and sweet, making it difficult not to fall in love with her. But the fact she had Arsen’s eyes didn’t help.
Not at all.
I was grateful that Arsen hadn’t contacted me. He would really cross a line if he did attempt it. I told him everything I needed to say, and it was pretty clear I wanted him to stay away from me. I didn’t owe him anything so he better not act like I did.
Trinity invited me for a drink and I decided I needed to get out. I’d been trapped in my home for weeks, passing the time and waiting for the pain to halt. A drink and some pleasant company would do me some good.
***
“What’s new with you guys?” I asked after I sipped my drink.
“A lot more drama than I have time to explain,” Trinity said.
“That doesn’t sound good,” I said.
“It’s not good,” Trinity said. She told me about her father’s attempt to keep her and Slade apart. When she finished, I was in shock.
“He did what?” I demanded.
“We had the same reaction,” Trinity said bitterly.
“I can’t believe that,” I said. “My brother isn’t perfect but he doesn’t deserve that.”
“You’re telling me,” Trinity said.
“So what are you going to do?” I asked.
“What am I going to do?” she asked incredulously. “I’m not speaking to my father ever again.”
I couldn’t blame her. What he did was pretty wrong.
Skye stayed quiet and didn’t chip in.
“How are you and Cayson?” I asked.
“We’re good,” she said.
“Still in the honeymoon stage?” I asked.
“We’re having lots of sex if that’s what you mean,” Skye said with a laugh.
I rolled my eyes. “You know what I meant.”
“How about you and Pike?” she asked.
I shrugged. “We broke up.”
“What?” Trinity almost knocked her drink over. “Why?”
“It just didn’t work out,” I said.
“Why?” Skye demanded. “He was cute.”
“He is cute,” I agreed. “But he told me he loved me and I couldn’t say it back.”
“God, that’s awkward,” Trinity said.
“When did this happen?” Skye asked.
“About two months ago,” I answered.
Trinity stopped drinking. “You broke up with him two months ago?”
“No,” I said. “He dropped the L bomb two months ago. I broke up with him three weeks ago because I realized I was never going to love him back. I didn’t want to waste any more of his time.”
“I’m so sorry, girl.” Skye rubbed my shoulders.
“Thanks,” I said sadly. “And with Arsen in the picture, that doesn’t help.”
“Wait, what?” Trinity said. “Arsen’s in the picture?”
“Isn’t he in prison?” Skye asked.
“He got out about a year ago.” I explained the whole story to them, catching them up.
Trinity’s jaw was almost on the table. “Damn…he did all of that?”
“That’s impressive,” Skye noted. “Talk about a one-eighty.”
“I’m proud of him and I’m glad he changed his life, but that doesn’t change what happened between us. He never apologized for it or showed any remorse. If he thinks I’m going to let it go, he’s mistaken.”
“Is that why you broke up with him?” Skye asked. “For Arsen?”
“No,” I said immediately. “Absolutely not.”
“It’s a weird coincidence,” Trinity noted.
“It’s not a coincidence,” I said. “Being around Arsen reminded me how much I loved him. It’s a romance I never felt for Pike.”
“You shouldn’t compare them,” Skye noted.
“It doesn’t matter,” I said. “I don’t see myself ever falling in love with Pike. I refuse to waste his time.”
Skye sighed. “Well, we’re here for you.”
“Thanks,” I whispered.
“I just can’t believe Arsen,” Trinity said. “That’s crazy. You don’t hear about stuff like that very often.”
“That’s like one in a million,” Skye said.
“It is,” I agreed. “And his daughter is adorable.”
“How does he look?” Trinity asked as she sipped her drink.
I didn’t want to answer this question. “About the same.”
“You know what she means,” Skye pressed. “Did he look hot?”
That was an understatement. He bulked up and somehow became more handsome than he used to be. I would be lying if I said I didn’t notice. “Prison suited him, I’ll say that.”
“Ooh
…is he covered in tattoos?” Trinity asked.
“No. But he put on twenty-five pounds of muscle.”
Skye waved her face. “Dreamy…”
“And with that leather jacket.” Trinity whistled. “Come to mama.”
I rolled my eyes. “It’s not gonna happen. You guys can have him if you want.”
“What?” Trinity asked. “I got a hot man decked in sleeves. And he can pull off a leather jacket way better than Arsen.”
“Cayson couldn’t pull off a leather jacket if his life depended on it,” Skye said.
Trinity laughed hard and so did I.
“I can’t picture it,” Trinity said. “He would look so out of place.”
“He’s too nice,” Skye said. “But I don’t think that’s a bad thing.”
“Anyway,” I said. “Let’s not talk about Arsen.”
“You’re the one who brought him up,” Trinity said.
I downed my drink. “Next topic.”
***
When a month had come and gone, Pike hadn’t called me. I expected him to reach out to me at some point but he never did. Even though I wanted to call him and tell him about things happening in my life I refrained from doing so. If I talked to him, it would make the break up harder on both of us.
Staying in my apartment was becoming lonely and sad. I had nothing to entertain myself except work and sculpting. I didn’t go out often because I was a downer. Trinity and Skye knew I was going through a hard time but I didn’t tell anyone else. I didn’t want anyone else to know because they would pity me. Everyone felt bad for me when Arsen left, and I didn’t want them to give me those same looks again. I just wanted to mourn alone.
The sadness I felt over Pike was nothing compared to what I felt for Arsen. That was crippling. Now I just had a distant pain over my heart, but that constant discomfort was more for Pike than myself.
I was lying on the couch watching TV one night when someone knocked on my door. I was wearing yoga pants and a t-shirt, and my hair was pulled into a bun. I hadn’t cared about my appearance lately. Looking pretty didn’t help my sour mood.
I sighed then stayed in my spot on the couch, hoping whoever it was would just go away.
They knocked again.
