by Eden O'Neill
Me: Yeah, just got in. My aunt and dad are going at it.
Royal: I’m sorry it’s like that. I’m sorry for all this.
Maybe sorrys were things people just said when things were shitty, something of an obligation. For whatever reason, he couldn’t stop.
Me: Stop apologizing. This isn’t your fault.
Royal: We were out there together. It is my fault.
Me: She was drunk, and we both know Paige Lindquist can’t be controlled.
Royal: I could have controlled her. I could have if I tried harder.
Me: I don’t think so. This isn’t your fault, so just stop.
He didn’t say anything for a moment, and I almost texted him again until I saw the text message bubble hit.
Royal: I’m coming down soon, but I won’t be able to make the memorial service. Probably just the reception.
My heart sank. He’d been invited, something I made sure my dad did along with his plans.
Me: Why?
Royal: I want to be there, but I have to handle something. It came up suddenly, and the timing just won’t work out.
But Paige was his best friend, all this really important.
My finger hovering, I wondered if all this was an excuse, that he couldn’t deal with this and just didn’t want to say. When my mom died, I hadn’t even been able to look into the casket, all of it too painful even at the age I’d been.
Royal: Em?
Me: I’m here. Just disappointed. Paige would have wanted you here.
Royal: I will be. Just not for the service and the burial. The guys will be there, though, and I won’t miss the reception. I fucking promise.
Why did it feel so good to know they’d all be coming down? Royal, Jax, LJ, and even the near silent Knight had somehow become my family when they’d been my sister’s. They’d be a buffer with all this bullshit. They’d be my family.
I started to type something, saying I missed him, but then backtracked. I didn’t want to sound as desperate as I felt.
Me: Good. I’m glad.
Royal: You’ll be okay. I’ll make sure of it, Em.
He felt he had so much power in things he had no control over, his position at school and in Maywood Heights making him think so. I’d seen firsthand how the beautiful boy with green eyes even made adults submit in his wake, my dad included. I texted Royal a few more things about the location of the service arrangements and where I was staying. I knew he was aware of most of that since he got an invitation, but just in case he could get here sooner, I wanted him to have the details. After we were done, a flood of text messages coming in let me know my texts were finally catching up with me now that I was on the ground. I had my phone on airplane mode when I’d been in the air.
Birdie: How are you doing, friend?
I’d gotten similar contact from other connections I’d made in Maywood Heights. I didn’t make a whole lot of them, but Birdie and the Windsor Prep female basketball team had been a few. Kiki and Shakira, Birdie’s other friends and teammates on the team, reached out to me too. They were all supposed to be coming down for my sister’s service, the beauty of going to a school full of rich kids. I had no idea who’d all be showing up to this thing, but considering Maywood Heights seemed to be all about making statements with one’s money and influence, I was sure the guest list would be extensive.
Me: I’ve been better. Miss you guys.
Birdie: We miss you too. Hang in there, and we’re here for you. Just know that when you make it back home, you have friends.
Home. I didn’t know where that was for me at the present, and I stood, facing the window. I was on the ground, and my aunt and dad were still going at it inside.
Who knew if they even knew I was gone?
Five
December
So the next few days were the worst. If not the worst of my entire goddamn life. They were full of traditions and bullshit adults made us do for appearances and other crap. I had to be present. I had to watch as my sister’s remains arrived in a box and were passed around like it was just an urn and not a person in there. I had to submit and sit there for decisions that were made around me, things that didn’t matter like what flowers looked good where and if the music would be right for that particular point in the service. I had to sit and stay silent. I had to keep my mouth shut, and not once had I been asked about what I thought about any of it. No one asked what Paige would think about any of it either, the service a perfect replica of our late mother’s. I mean, down to the damn decorations on the pews. They kept a picture of my sister in the front of the church, her urn right in front of it. She’d been wearing her lacrosse uniform, the urn shiny and polished before they placed it in the ground. I hadn’t gotten close to it, unable to do so. Instead, I took my seat at the back of the church the day of. I stayed there while everything happened around me all morning. At one point, my aunt discovered me, but I told her I wasn’t moving. I couldn’t get any closer.
I couldn’t see my sister that way.
Closing off, I held my body as that church filled up, people from both my past and present filtering in. Some of my old friends had showed, ones from my old life and this place. Of course they found me, gave me hugs, and condolences, but I hadn’t given them much back. When I didn’t, they went about their way, blending into the crowd, and soon, I didn’t even have to be a part of the condolences. The crowds hid me. I blended into the scenery of the floral arrangements and beautiful music, a statement piece like the rest of it all.
I wished this goddamn thing was over.
It didn’t seem to end, so many people around me and not one of them I wanted to see. The one person I did want to see wasn’t here, and ultimately, Jax, Knight, and LJ arrived by themselves when they came into the wide church. Royal wasn’t with them at all, unable to make it like he said. I figured once the guys found me they’d come over, and they did spot me, Jax first. I rose up, happy to see at least them, but then something weird happened. Almost automatically, Jax started to come over.
But LJ held him back.
He physically put a hand on his chest, speaking to him lightly. After that, Jax simply nodded at me, the other two as well, before going to the front of the church. I didn’t know what that was about, sitting down, but figured maybe they knew I was hiding in the back for a reason.
Yeah, that has to be it.
It was the only thing that made sense, and I watched the boys, the guys heading up to the front. They stood as a line, just staring at my sister’s picture. They wouldn’t look at her urn at all, a lot like me, and eventually, Jax wasn’t having any more of it. He turned away, and when he did, the other guys went with him. That almost got me, watching LJ put a hand to the jokester’s shoulder and rub when they took their seats. LJ himself held up his head, and turning, Knight spoke to Jax. Almost right away, Jax shook it off, sitting tall too. Boys, they probably didn’t want to show a lot of emotion, even for their good friend.
I swallowed, trying to be happy about the fact they left me to my peace. That’s what I wanted after all, seclusion, so I stayed put while I got it. I continued to people watch, and soon, more of my people came into the room, Birdie, Shakira, and Kiki. All tall, they elevated above the crowd, and Kiki, her dark hair flowing down her back like a cloak, gestured the group my way. She looked lovely, they all did in their black cocktail dresses, and I wore something similar. The only difference was I wore my hair down, deliberate and wavy to hide my face. Shakira had the most unique style, her hair in thick braids, while Birdie wore a bun within her dark hair. Birdie led the party over, and when she did, the hugs were nonstop. They each took a turn, and after, Birdie sat next to me.
“Hey,” she said.
“Hi,” I returned, my mouth dry. I think they were the first words I’d said in quite a bit of time. I had no desire, no strength, and I think the girls quickly figured that out.
“I think we’ll just sit,” Birdie said, looking at the others. “Just sit.”
Th
e words were obviously said for me, and after telling them that was okay, we did. We just sat. We watched as the church became a cluster-fuck of pomp and circumstance. Half my school came out from Windsor Prep, teachers included, and so many people I’d never even met. I was sure Paige didn’t have any connections with them either.
This is all my dad.
He had his hands in everything, taking his seat at the front of the church eventually. He looked around after he did, seemingly searching for something, and my aunt next to him, leaned over. She whispered something that had him suddenly turning his head, and when he made direct eye contact with me, frowning like I did something wrong here on this day, I gazed away. He couldn’t guilt me into anything I didn’t want to do. Not today. I was sitting back here, no negotiations.
I stared ahead, wishing this thing would be over. We still had the internment of ashes and reception after this. God…
“Who’s that woman?” I found myself asking Birdie, a woman at my sister’s urn. Why she took my attention when the others hadn’t was because of what she did when she went up front.
She put her hand on my sister’s urn, cradling it with a tissue to her face. She stayed for a long time, holding up the line.
“The headmaster’s wife,” Birdie said, all of us watching as the headmaster himself showed for this too. Principal Hastings came up behind her, whispering something to her before guiding her away. She didn’t go quickly, the woman as shiny and beautiful as everyone and everything else in Maywood Heights. She had her black hair down, chunky curls making her look like a goddess. She didn’t wear black like everyone else, but navy, the lovely silk trailing behind her when Principal Hastings finally got her away and to sit behind my dad. Dad had quite a party there, no room for me even if I wanted to be there. Besides close family, he had what I assumed were Maywood Heights people. They dressed the nicest, the most polished.
Birdie looked at me. “She used to be the school’s guidance counselor my freshman year.”
I was sure she’d seen my sister quite a lot, then, even back then. Paige and my dad had been going at it since long before I could remember, just their relationship.
I sat back, Birdie pointing out more people to me including the mayor of Maywood Heights and his wife. They all sat with my dad, grieving with him when they gave him a touch on the shoulder or a hand. Dad had obviously created some connections there I hadn’t known about.
Me: Are you close? Please tell me you are.
My text from Royal went unreturned, and if he were traveling, he wouldn’t be able to text anyway unless he was in town. He left me to deal with this by myself.
At least, that’s what it felt like.
*
The internment of the ashes was just for family and close friends, and unfortunately, I had to be a part of that, standing between my aunt and dad as his people placed my sister in her final resting place. I had to watch then, made myself. I stood near my mother’s remains while my sister was lowered in the ground beside her. I stood by idle, not allowing her voice to be heard as the minister talked about a girl who’d had a bright future and said words my dad no doubt wrote for the sake of tradition and all these people. It disgusted me a little bit, the lack of thought and care. I guess that just remained consistent when it came to her life. No one had been there for her, not even me in the end.
I lit a joint outside my aunt’s house, not particularly caring about the implications of it. My dad hadn’t given a fuck about me this whole trip anyway, my aunt even less. When I was around them both, they were fighting, couldn’t even keep it together for a goddamn minute, about things that didn’t matter. They didn’t ask if I was okay or if I needed anything. They just fought and quibbled about bullshit.
I finished my smoke and then went inside, deciding to do another circulation of the house. A lot of people had come and gone, eating my aunt’s food saying things like what a tragedy all this was. People gave me their fake smiles when they never once talked to me in school or in life, my new world and my old world colliding around me. People showed from both worlds I didn’t want to talk to and were no doubt here just for the gossip.
The gossip…
I watched that flitter through as well, people talking. They usually stopped when I came through and I figured it was either about my sister or me.
I hoped the latter.
I lingered by the pie table, spotting Jax, LJ, and Knight across the room, but again no Royal. They eventually said something to me, but it’d been brief at my sister’s burial. They’d been invited to that because I asked my dad. I got a hand on the shoulder from each of them, and again, Jax wanted to do more, but the other guys had pulled him away. Like, they physically tugged at his jacket. They kept him back like I had a disease, and once more, I got wanting to give me my space but it was too weird, and that distance continued at my aunt’s house. They talked to other people, other Court guys and such, but not to me. I didn’t get it, and there was still no Royal either. I mean, he was supposed to be her best friend, wasn’t he? And I hoped, even though I didn’t know what we were to each other, he’d kind of be here for me too.
Me: Where the hell are you?
He hadn’t answered my text at the church, and when I looked up, I found three sets of eyes on me. Any Court boys would stand out in the crowd, so Jax, LJ, and Knight were no exception. They were just as big, powerful, and beautiful as Royal Prinze, and they knew it just like Royal Prinze. They watched me from time to time during my circulations, like they were keeping tabs on me, but I doubted it. They stopped talking like everyone else when I’d been around.
So much for family.
They said as much to me at homecoming, but maybe something had changed. Maybe my sister’s death meant I could no longer be a part of their club, their mascot cut off and tossed out. I didn’t give a fuck anyway. I didn’t give a fuck about any of this. I started to go back outside but stopped when I caught a glance through the living room window. There were lots of people out there, but I recognized the two easily, fiery red hair and a beautiful boy. Royal Prinze was outside my aunt’s house.
And he was with Mira.
The girl literally had it out for me in the past, a complete bitch, and I only saw red. She hadn’t been at the memorial.
Had they come together?
I had to question that as they spoke to each other now, Royal in a black suit and dark tie. He had his hands in his pockets, his expression tense as Mira spoke to him. They spoke for quite a long time before Mira dismissed herself, putting a hand on Royal’s arm before leaving him. I figured she’d make a beeline right inside and I really didn’t want to see her, get her fake-ass condolences.
Swallowing, I headed to my old bedroom, closing myself in. I placed my head back to the wall.
“I suppose you’re wanting her back here, then? Back with you?”
I opened my eyes at the sound of my dad’s voice, my aunt’s room on the other side.
“I told her she could, told her as much. She knows she’s welcome back here.”
I cradled my legs, my aunt and dad obviously wanted to talk away from everyone else, away from me.
“But I think you need to step up this time, Rowan,” she continued. “A relationship with you is what’s best for her, and yes, I have the space, but I work. I work a lot, and it’s hard. I love her, but I have put my life on hold, always have when your daughter should be with you.”
I closed my eyes, a burn in my throat and eyes I hadn’t expected. I’d heard conversations like this before. She never meant for me to hear them, but I had. It was no secret my aunt loved me like she said, but she had made sacrifices.
A heavy breath came from the other side of the wall.
“I can’t give her what she needs,” my dad said, the ache ripping raw through my chest. “I don’t… She should be here. I don’t have time to deal with it, her and everything she needs right now.”
“Hey.”
Royal shut the door behind himself, coming i
nto my room and how much he took up of it. His blond hair was tousled but purposeful this time, perfectly fallen and placed with no doubt restless fingers. The buttons of his dress shirt labored as he slid hands into his pockets. “Why are you hiding in here?”
I was hiding, hiding from everyone but him.
It all was a blur when I got up, launching myself from the bed and into his arms, and how quickly he opened up for me. He braced me, cradling the back of my head.
“Em…” he said, breathing me in, and how my body shivered at just the way he said my name. He brought me home and took me to a place where it was just him and me.
I secured my arms around his neck, crying way too much around this boy. I couldn’t help it. This whole day… my whole life was bullshit. He seemed to be the only thing that wasn’t, here and now and cared.
“Let’s get out of here,” I said, pleading. “Let’s just fucking go. Go somewhere, anywhere.”
I didn’t know what I was saying to him or even what I meant. I just wanted him to take me away.
He pulled back a little, thumb stroking my cheek. “Go where?”
“I don’t know. I just need to go. We can get bus tickets. Just go.”
“Bus tickets?” His eyes questioned me, his voice. “You want to leave, leave?”
Why not? He had with Paige. He said they just left in the past, took off and said to hell with everything.
“You did with Paige,” I said, my hands moving down to his lapels. “I need to get out. My dad doesn’t want me. I make my aunt’s life bullshit. She doesn’t want me. I don’t belong anywhere.”
The tears flew down, hot and warm as his hands on my body. He shook his head. “Em…”
“Why can’t we just leave, huh? We should go. Paige is gone. We should just go.”
“Where?”
“I don’t know. Like I said, anywhere.” I knew this sounded completely and utterly crazy. I didn’t know him well, and he didn’t know me, but didn’t we? We had that connection through my sister. We knew each other through my sister. We could figure the rest of everything else out later.
