by Willa Cather
“You know we are to join the Battalion at A—. They’ll be living like kings there. Hicks will get so fat he’ll drop over on the march. Headquarters must have something particularly nasty in mind; the infantry is always fed up before a slaughter. But I’ve been thinking; I have some old friends at A—. Suppose we go on there a day early, and get them to take us in? It’s a fine old place, and I ought to go to see them. The son was a fellow student of mine at the Conservatoire. He was killed the second winter of the war. I used to go up there for the holidays with him; I would like to see his mother and sister again. You’ve no objection?”
Claude did not answer at once. He lay squinting off at the beech trees, without moving. “You always avoid that subject with me, don’t you?” he said presently.
“What subject?”
“Oh, anything to do with the Conservatoire, or your profession.”
“I haven’t any profession at present. I’ll never go back to the violin.”
“You mean you couldn’t make up for the time you’ll lose?”
Gerhardt settled his back against a rock and got out his pipe. “That would be difficult; but other things would be harder. I’ve lost much more than time.”
“Couldn’t you have got exemption, one way or another?”
“I might have. My friends wanted to take it up and make a test case of me. But I couldn’t stand for it. I didn’t feel I was a good enough violinist to admit that I wasn’t a man. I often wish I had been in Paris that summer when the war broke out; then I would have gone into the French army on the first impulse, with the other students, and it would have been better.”
David paused and sat puffing at his pipe. Just then a soft movement stirred the brakes on the hillside. A little barefoot girl stood there, looking about. She had heard voices, but at first did not see the uniforms that blended with the yellow and brown of the wood. Then she saw the sun shining on two heads; one square, and amber in colour,—the other reddish bronze, long and narrow. She took their friendliness for granted and came down the hill, stopping now and again to pick up shiny horse chestnuts and pop them into a sack she was dragging. David called to her and asked her whether the nuts were good to eat.
“Oh, non!” she exclaimed, her face expressing the liveliest terror, “pour les cochons!” These inexperienced Americans might eat almost anything. The boys laughed and gave her some pennies, “pour les cochons aussi.” She stole about the edge of the wood, stirring among the leaves for nuts, and watching the two soldiers.
Gerhardt knocked out his pipe and began to fill it again. “I went home to see my mother in May, of 1914. I wasn’t here when the war broke out. The Conservatoire closed at once, so I arranged a concert tour in the States that winter, and did very well. That was before all the little Russians went over, and the field wasn’t so crowded. I had a second season, and that went well. But I was getting more nervous all the time; I was only half there.” He smoked thoughtfully, sitting with folded arms, as if he were going over a succession of events or states of feeling. “When my number was drawn, I reported to see what I could do about getting out; I took a look at the other fellows who were trying to squirm, and chucked it. I’ve never been sorry. Not long afterward, my violin was smashed, and my career seemed to go along with it.”
Claude asked him what he meant.
“While I was at Camp Dix, I had to play at one of the entertainments. My violin, a Stradivarius, was in a vault in New York. I didn’t need it for that concert, any more than I need it at this minute; yet I went to town and brought it out. I was taking it up from the station in a military car, and a drunken taxi driver ran into us. I wasn’t hurt, but the violin, lying across my knees, was smashed into a thousand pieces. I didn’t know what it meant then; but since, I’ve seen so many beautiful old things smashed . . . I’ve become a fatalist.”
Claude watched his brooding head against the grey flint rock.
“You ought to have kept out of the whole thing. Any army man would say so.”
David’s head went back against the boulder, and he threw one of the, chestnuts lightly into the air. “Oh, one violinist more or less doesn’t matter! But who is ever going back to anything? That’s what I want to know!”
Claude felt guilty; as if David must have guessed what apostasy had been going on in his own mind this afternoon. “You don’t believe we are going to get out of this war what we went in for, do you?” he asked suddenly.
“Absolutely not,” the other replied with cool indifference.
“Then I certainly don’t see what you’re here for!”
“Because in 1917 I was twenty-four years old, and able to bear arms. The war was put up to our generation. I don’t know what for; the sins of our fathers, probably. Certainly not to make the world safe for Democracy, or any rhetoric of that sort. When I was doing stretcher work, I had to tell myself over and over that nothing would come of it, but that it had to be. Sometimes, though, I think something must. . . . Nothing we expect, but something unforeseen.” He paused and shut his eyes. “You remember in the old mythology tales how, when the sons of the gods were born, the mothers always died in agony? Maybe it’s only Semele I’m thinking of. At any rate, I’ve sometimes wondered whether the young men of our time had to die to bring a new idea into the world . . . something Olympian. I’d like to know. I think I shall know. Since I’ve been over here this time, I’ve come to believe in immortality. Do you?”
Claude was confused by this quiet question. “I hardly know. I’ve never been able to make up my mind.”
“Oh, don’t bother about it! If it comes to you, it comes. You don’t have to go after it. I arrived at it in quite the same way I used to get things in art,—knowing them and living on them before I understood them. Such ideas used to seem childish to me.” Gerhardt sprang up. “Now, have I told you what you want to know about my case?” He looked down at Claude with a curious glimmer of amusement and affection. “I’m going to stretch my legs. It’s four o’clock.”
He disappeared among the red pine stems, where the sunlight made a rose-colored lake, as it used to do in the summer . . . as it would do in all the years to come, when they were not there to see it, Claude was thinking. He pulled his hat over his eyes and went to sleep.
The little girl on the edge of the beech wood left her sack and stole quietly down the hill. Sitting in the heather and drawing her feet up under her, she stayed still for a long time, and regarded with curiosity the relaxed, deep breathing body of the American soldier.
The next day was Claude’s twenty-fifth birthday, and in honour of that event Papa Joubert produced a bottle of old Burgundy from his cellar, one of a few dozens he had laid in for great occasions when he was a young man.
During that week of idleness at Madame Joubert’s, Claude often thought that the period of happy “youth,” about which his old friend Mrs. Erlich used to talk, and which he had never experienced, was being made up to him now. He was having his youth in France. He knew that nothing like this would ever come again; the fields and woods would never again be laced over with this hazy enchantment. As he came up the village street in the purple evening, the smell of wood-smoke from the chimneys went to his head like a narcotic, opened the pores of his skin, and sometimes made the tears come to his eyes. Life had after all turned out well for him, and everything had a noble significance. The nervous tension in which he had lived for years now seemed incredible to him . . . absurd and childish, when he thought of it at all. He did not torture himself with recollections. He was beginning over again.
One night he dreamed that he was at home; out in the ploughed fields, where he could see nothing but the furrowed brown earth, stretching from horizon to horizon. Up and down it moved a boy, with a plough and two horses. At first he thought it was his brother Ralph; but on coming nearer, he saw it was himself,—and he was full of fear for this boy. Poor Claude, he would never, never get away; he was going to miss everything! While he was struggling to speak to Claude, and warn him, h
e awoke.
In the years when he went to school in Lincoln, he was always hunting for some one whom he could admire without reservations; some one he could envy, emulate, wish to be. Now he believed that even then he must have had some faint image of a man like Gerhardt in his mind. It was only in war times that their paths would have been likely to cross; or that they would have had anything to do together . . . any of the common interests that make men friends.
XIV
Gerhardt and Claude Wheeler alighted from a taxi before the open gates of a square-roofed, solid-looking house, where all the shutters on the front were closed, and the tops of many trees showed above the garden wall. They crossed a paved court and rang at the door. An old valet admitted the young men, and took them through a wide hall to the salon, which opened on the garden. Madame and Mademoiselle would be down very soon. David went to one of the long windows and looked out. “They have kept it up, in spite of everything. It was always lovely here.”
The garden was spacious,—like a little park. On one side was a tennis court, on the other a fountain, with a pool and water-lilies. The north wall was hidden by ancient yews; on the south two rows of plane trees, cut square, made a long arbour. At the back of the garden there were fine old lindens. The gravel walks wound about beds of gorgeous autumn flowers; in the rose garden, small white roses were still blooming, though the leaves were already red.
Two ladies entered the drawing-room. The mother was short, plump, and rosy, with strong, rather masculine features and yellowish white hair. The tears flashed into her eyes as David bent to kiss her hand, and she embraced him and touched both his cheeks with her lips.
“Et vous, vous aussi!” she murmured, touching the coat of his uniform with her fingers. There was but a moment of softness. She gathered herself up like an old general, Claude thought, as he stood watching the group from the window, drew her daughter forward, and asked David whether he recognized the little girl with whom he used to play. Mademoiselle Claire was not at all like her mother; slender, dark, dressed in a white costume de tennis and an apple green hat with black ribbons, she looked very modern and casual and unconcerned. She was already telling David she was glad he had arrived early, as now they would be able to have a game of tennis before tea. Maman would bring her knitting to the garden and watch them. This last suggestion relieved Claude’s apprehension that he might be left alone with his hostess. When David called him and presented him to the ladies, Mlle. Claire gave him a quick handshake, and said she would be very glad to try him out on the court as soon as she had beaten David. They would find tennis shoes in their room,—a collection of shoes, for the feet of all nations; her brother’s, some that his Russian friend had forgotten when he hurried off to be mobilized, and a pair lately left by an English officer who was quartered on them. She and her mother would wait in the garden. She rang for the old valet.
The Americans found themselves in a large room upstairs, where two modern iron beds stood out conspicuous among heavy mahogany bureaus and desks and dressing-tables, stuffed chairs and velvet carpets and dull red brocade window hangings. David went at once into the little dressing-room and began to array himself for the tennis court. Two suits of flannels and a row of soft shirts hung there on the wall.
“Aren’t you going to change?” he asked, noticing that Claude stood stiff and unbending by the window, looking down into the garden. “Why should I?” said Claude scornfully. “I don’t play tennis. I never had a racket in my hand.”
“Too bad. She used to play very well, though she was only a youngster then.” Gerhardt was regarding his legs in trousers two inches too short for him. “How everything has changed, and yet how everything is still the same! It’s like coming back to places in dreams.”
“They don’t give you much time to dream, I should say!” Claude remarked.
“Fortunately!”
“Explain to the girl that I don’t play, will you? I’ll be down later.”
“As you like.”
Claude stood in the window, watching Gerhardt’s bare head and Mlle. Claire’s green hat and long brown arm go bounding about over the court.
When Gerhardt came to change before tea, he found his fellow officer standing before his bag, which was open, but not unpacked.
“What’s the matter? Feeling shellshock again?”
“Not exactly.” Claude bit his lip. “The fact is, Dave, I don’t feel just comfortable here. Oh, the people are all right. But I’m out of place. I’m going to pull out and get a billet somewhere else, and let you visit your friends in peace. Why should I be here? These people don’t keep a hotel.”
“They very nearly do, from what they’ve been telling me. They’ve had a string of Scotch and English quartered on them. They like it, too,-or have the good manners to pretend they do. Of course, you’ll do as you like, but you’ll hurt their feelings and put me in an awkward position. To be frank, I don’t see how you can go away without being distinctly rude.”
Claude stood looking down at the contents of his bag in an irresolute attitude. Catching a glimpse of his face in one of the big mirrors, Gerhardt saw that he looked perplexed and miserable. His flash of temper died, and he put his hand lightly on his friend’s shoulder.
“Come on, Claude! This is too absurd. You don’t even have to dress, thanks to your uniform,—and you don’t have to talk, since you’re not supposed to know the language. I thought you’d like coming here. These people have had an awfully rough time; can’t you admire their pluck?”
“Oh, yes, I do! It’s awkward for me, though.” Claude pulled off his coat and began to brush his hair vigorously. “I guess I’ve always been more afraid of the French than of the Germans. It takes courage to stay, you understand. I want to run.”
“But why? What makes you want to?”
“Oh, I don’t know! Something in the house, in the atmosphere.”
“Something disagreeable?”
“No. Something agreeable.”
David laughed. “Oh, you’ll get over that!”
They had tea in the garden, English fashion—English tea, too,Mlle. Claire informed them, left by the English officers.
At dinner a third member of the family was introduced, a little boy with a cropped head and big black eyes. He sat on Claude’s left, quiet and shy in his velvet jacket, though he followed the conversation eagerly, especially when it touched upon his brother Rene, killed at Verdun in the second winter of the war. The mother and sister talked about him as if he were living, about his letters and his plans, and his friends at the Conservatoire and in the Army. Mlle. Claire told Gerhardt news of all the girl students he had known in Paris: how this one was singing for the soldiers; another, when she was nursing in a hospital which was bombed in an air raid, had carried twenty wounded men out of the burning building, one after another, on her back, like sacks of flour. Alice, the dancer, had gone into the English Red Cross and learned English. Odette had married a New Zealander, an officer who was said to be a cannibal; it was well known that his tribe had eaten two Auvergnat missionaries. There was a great deal more that Claude could not understand, but he got enough to see that for these women the war was France, the war was life, and everything that went into it. To be alive, to be conscious and have one’s faculties, was to be in the war.
After dinner, when they went into the salon, Madame Fleury asked David whether he would like to see Rene’s violin again, and nodded to the little boy. He slipped away and returned carrying the case, which he placed on the table. He opened it carefully and took off the velvet cloth, as if this was his peculiar office, then handed the instrument to Gerhardt.
David turned it over under the candles, telling Madame Fleury that he would have known it anywhere, Rene’s wonderful Amati, almost too exquisite in tone for the concert hall, like a woman who is too beautiful for the stage. The family stood round and listened to his praise with evident satisfaction. Madame Fleury told him that Lucien was très sérieux with his music, that his master was
well pleased with him, and when his hand was a little larger he would be allowed to play upon Rene’s violin. Claude watched the little boy as he stood looking at the instrument in David’s hands; in each of his big black eyes a candle flame was reflected, as if some steady fire were actually burning there.
“What is it, Lucien?” his mother asked.
“If Monsieur David would be so good as to play before I must go to bed—” he murmured entreatingly.
“But, Lucien, I am a soldier now. I have not worked at all for two years. The Amati would think it had fallen into the hands of a Boche.”
Lucien smiled. “Oh, no! It is too intelligent for that. A little, please,” and he sat down on a footstool before the sofa in confident anticipation.
Mlle. Claire went to the piano. David frowned and began to tune the violin. Madame Fleury called the old servant and told him to light the sticks that lay in the fireplace. She took the arm-chair at the right of the hearth and motioned Claude to a seat on the left. The little boy kept his stool at the other end of the room. Mlle. Claire began the orchestral introduction to the Saint-Saens concerto.
“Oh, not that!” David lifted his chin and looked at her in perplexity.
She made no reply, but played on, her shoulders bent forward. Lucien drew his knees up under his chin and shivered. When the time came, the violin made its entrance. David had put it back under his chin mechanically, and the instrument broke into that suppressed, bitter melody.
