by Willa Cather
“No use asking how you do. You surely needn’t feel much anxiety about Friday, when you can look like this.”
She moved close to the iron fence to make room for him beside her, and faced the wind again. “Oh, I’m well enough, in so far as that goes. But I’m not lucky about stage appearances. I’m easily upset, and the most perverse things happen.”
“What’s the matter? Do you still get nervous?”
“Of course I do. I don’t mind nerves so much as getting numbed,” Thea muttered, sheltering her face for a moment with her muff. “I’m under a spell, you know, hoodooed. It’s the thing I want to do that I can never do. Any other effects I can get easily enough.”
“Yes, you get effects, and not only with your voice. That’s where you have it over all the rest of them; you’re as much at home on the stage as you were down in Panther Canyon—as if you’d just been let out of a cage. Didn’t you get some of your ideas down there?”
Thea nodded. “Oh, yes! For heroic parts, at least. Out of the rocks, out of the dead people. You mean the idea of standing up under things, don’t you, meeting catastrophe? No fussiness. Seems to me they must have been a reserved, somber people, with only a muscular language, all their movements for a purpose; simple, strong, as if they were dealing with fate bare-handed.” She put her gloved fingers on Fred’s arm. “I don’t know how I can ever thank you enough. I don’t know if I’d ever have got anywhere without Panther Canyon. How did you know that was the one thing to do for me? It’s the sort of thing nobody ever helps one to, in this world. One can learn how to sing, but no singing teacher can give anybody what I got down there. How did you know?”
“I didn’t know. Anything else would have done as well. It was your creative hour. I knew you were getting a lot, but I didn’t realize how much.”
Thea walked on in silence. She seemed to be thinking.
“Do you know what they really taught me?” she came out suddenly. “They taught me the inevitable hardness of human life. No artist gets far who doesn’t know that. And you can’t know it with your mind. You have to realize it in your body, somehow; deep. It’s an animal sort of feeling. I sometimes think it’s the strongest of all. Do you know what I’m driving at?”
“I think so. Even your audiences feel it, vaguely: that you’ve sometime or other faced things that make you different.”
Thea turned her back to the wind, wiping away the snow that clung to her brows and lashes. “Ugh!” she exclaimed; “no matter how long a breath you have, the storm has a longer. I haven’t signed for next season, yet, Fred. I’m holding out for a big contract: forty performances. Necker won’t be able to do much next winter. It’s going to be one of those between seasons; the old singers are too old, and the new ones are too new. They might as well risk me as anybody. So I want good terms. The next five or six years are going to be my best.”
“You’ll get what you demand, if you are uncompromising. I’m safe in congratulating you now.”
Thea laughed. “It’s a little early. I may not get it at all. They don’t seem to be breaking their necks to meet me. I can go back to Dresden.”
As they turned the curve and walked westward they got the wind from the side, and talking was easier.
Fred lowered his collar and shook the snow from his shoulders. “Oh, I don’t mean on the contract particularly. I congratulate you on what you can do, Thea, and on all that lies behind what you do. On the life that’s led up to it, and on being able to care so much. That, after all, is the unusual thing.”
She looked at him sharply, with a certain apprehension. “Care? Why shouldn’t I care? If I didn’t, I’d be in a bad way. What else have I got?” She stopped with a challenging interrogation, but Ottenburg did not reply. “You mean,” she persisted, “that you don’t care as much as you used to?”
“I care about your success, of course.” Fred fell into a slower pace. Thea felt at once that he was talking seriously and had dropped the tone of half-ironical exaggeration he had used with her of late years. “And I’m grateful to you for what you demand from yourself, when you might get off so easily. You demand more and more all the time, and you’ll do more and more. One is grateful to anybody for that; it makes life in general a little less sordid. But as a matter of fact, I’m not much interested in how anybody sings anything.”
“That’s too bad of you, when I’m just beginning to see what is worth doing, and how I want to do it!” Thea spoke in an injured tone.
“That’s what I congratulate you on. That’s the great difference between your kind and the rest of us. It’s how long you’re able to keep it up that tells the story. When you needed enthusiasm from the outside, I was able to give it to you. Now you must let me withdraw.”
“I’m not tying you, am I?” she flashed out. “But withdraw to what? What do you want?”
Fred shrugged. “I might ask you, What have I got? I want things that wouldn’t interest you; that you probably wouldn’t understand. For one thing, I want a son to bring up.”
“I can understand that. It seems to me reasonable. Have you also found somebody you want to marry?”
“Not particularly.” They turned another curve, which brought the wind to their backs, and they walked on in comparative calm, with the snow blowing past them. “It’s not your fault, Thea, but I’ve had you too much in my mind. I’ve not given myself a fair chance in other directions. I was in Rome when you and Nordquist were there. If that had kept up, it might have cured me.”
“It might have cured a good many things,” remarked Thea grimly.
Fred nodded sympathetically and went on. “In my library in St. Louis, over the fireplace, I have a property spear I had copied from one in Venice,—oh, years ago, after you first went abroad, while you were studying. You’ll probably be singing Brünnhilde pretty soon now, and I’ll send it on to you, if I may. You can take it and its history for what they’re worth. But I’m nearly forty years old, and I’ve served my turn. You’ve done what I hoped for you, what I was honestly willing to lose you for—then. I’m older now, and I think I was an ass. I wouldn’t do it again if I had the chance, not much! But I’m not sorry. It takes a great many people to make one—Brünnhilde.”
Thea stopped by the fence and looked over into the black choppiness on which the snowflakes fell and disappeared with magical rapidity. Her face was both angry and troubled. “So you really feel I’ve been ungrateful. I thought you sent me out to get something. I didn’t know you wanted me to bring in something easy. I thought you wanted something—” She took a deep breath and shrugged her shoulders. “But there! nobody on God’s earth wants it, really! If one other person wanted it,”—she thrust her hand out before him and clenched it,—”my God, what I could do!”
Fred laughed dismally. “Even in my ashes I feel myself pushing you! How can anybody help it? My dear girl, can’t you see that anybody else who wanted it as you do would be your rival, your deadliest danger? Can’t you see that it’s your great good fortune that other people can’t care about it so much?”
But Thea seemed not to take in his protest at all. She went on vindicating herself. “It’s taken me a long while to do anything, of course, and I’ve only begun to see daylight. But anything good is—expensive. It hasn’t seemed long. I’ve always felt responsible to you.”
Fred looked at her face intently, through the veil of snowflakes, and shook his head. “To me? You are a truthful woman, and you don’t mean to lie to me. But after the one responsibility you do feel, I doubt if you’ve enough left to feel responsible to God! Still, if you’ve ever in an idle hour fooled yourself with thinking I had anything to do with it, Heaven knows I’m grateful.”
“Even if I’d married Nordquist,” Thea went on, turning down the path again, “there would have been something left out. There always is. In a way, I’ve always been married to you. I’m not very flexible; never was and never shall be. You caught me young. I could never have that over again. One can’t, after one begins to kno
w anything. But I look back on it. My life hasn’t been a gay one, any more than yours. If I shut things out from you, you shut them out from me. We’ve been a help and a hindrance to each other. I guess it’s always that way, the good and the bad all mixed up. There’s only one thing that’s all beautiful—and always beautiful! That’s why my interest keeps up.”
“Yes, I know.” Fred looked sidewise at the outline of her head against the thickening atmosphere. “And you give one the impression that that is enough. I’ve gradually, gradually given you up.”
“See, the lights are coming out.” Thea pointed to where they flickered, flashes of violet through the gray tree-tops. Lower down the globes along the drives were becoming a pale lemon color. “Yes, I don’t see why anybody wants to marry an artist, anyhow. I remember Ray Kennedy used to say he didn’t see how any woman could marry a gambler, for she would only be marrying what the game left.” She shook her shoulders impatiently. “Who marries who is a small matter, after all. But I hope I can bring back your interest in my work. You’ve cared longer and more than anybody else, and I’d like to have somebody human to make a report to once in a while. You can send me your spear. I’ll do my best. If you’re not interested, I’ll do my best anyhow. I’ve only a few friends, but I can lose every one of them, if it has to be. I learned how to lose when my mother died.—We must hurry now. My taxi must be waiting.”
The blue light about them was growing deeper and darker, and the falling snow and the faint trees had become violet. To the south, over Broadway, there was an orange reflection in the clouds. Motors and carriage lights flashed by on the drive below the reservoir path, and the air was strident with horns and shrieks from the whistles of the mounted policemen.
Fred gave Thea his arm as they descended from the embankment. “I guess you’ll never manage to lose me or Archie, Thea. You do pick up queer ones. But loving you is a heroic discipline. It wears a man out. Tell me one thing: could I have kept you, once, if I’d put on every screw?”
Thea hurried him along, talking rapidly, as if to get it over. “You might have kept me in misery for a while, perhaps. I don’t know. I have to think well of myself, to work. You could have made it hard. I’m not ungrateful. I was a difficult proposition to deal with. I understand now, of course. Since you didn’t tell me the truth in the beginning, you couldn’t very well turn back after I’d set my head. At least, if you’d been the sort who could, you wouldn’t have had to,—for I’d not have cared a button for that sort, even then.” She stopped beside a car that waited at the curb and gave him her hand. “There. We part friends?”
Fred looked at her. “You know. Ten years.”
“I’m not ungrateful,” Thea repeated as she got into her cab.
“Yes,” she reflected, as the taxi cut into the Park carriage road, “we don’t get fairy tales in this world, and he has, after all, cared more and longer than anybody else.” It was dark outside now, and the light from the lamps along the drive flashed into the cab. The snowflakes hovered like swarms of white bees about the globes.
Thea sat motionless in one corner staring out of the window at the cab lights that wove in and out among the trees, all seeming to be bent upon joyous courses. Taxicabs were still new in New York, and the theme of popular minstrelsy. Landry had sung her a ditty he heard in some theater on Third Avenue, about:
“But there passed him a bright-eyed taxi With the girl of his heart inside.”
Almost inaudibly Thea began to hum the air, though she was thinking of something serious, something that had touched her deeply. At the beginning of the season, when she was not singing often, she had gone one afternoon to hear Paderewski’s recital. In front of her sat an old German couple, evidently poor people who had made sacrifices to pay for their excellent seats. Their intelligent enjoyment of the music, and their friendliness with each other, had interested her more than anything on the programme. When the pianist began a lovely melody in the first movement of the Beethoven D minor sonata, the old lady put out her plump hand and touched her husband’s sleeve and they looked at each other in recognition. They both wore glasses, but such a look! Like forget-menots, and so full of happy recollections. Thea wanted to put her arms around them and ask them how they had been able to keep a feeling like that, like a nosegay in a glass of water.
XI
Dr. Archie saw nothing of Thea during the following week. After several fruitless efforts, he succeeded in getting a word with her over the telephone, but she sounded so distracted and driven that he was glad to say good-night and hang up the instrument. There were, she told him, rehearsals not only for “Walküre,” but also for “Gotterdammerung,” in which she was to sing Waltraute two weeks later.
On Thursday afternoon Thea got home late, after an exhausting rehearsal. She was in no happy frame of mind. Madame Necker, who had been very gracious to her that night when she went on to complete Gloeckler’s performance of Sieglinde, had, since Thea was cast to sing the part instead of Gloeckler in the production of the “Ring,” been chilly and disapproving, distinctly hostile. Thea had always felt that she and Necker stood for the same sort of endeavor, and that Necker recognized it and had a cordial feeling for her. In Germany she had several times sung Brangäne to Necker’s Isolde, and the older artist had let her know that she thought she sang it beautifully. It was a bitter disappointment to find that the approval of so honest an artist as Necker could not stand the test of any significant recognition by the management. Madame Necker was forty, and her voice was failing just when her powers were at their height. Every fresh young voice was an enemy, and this one was accompanied by gifts which she could not fail to recognize.
Thea had her dinner sent up to her apartment, and it was a very poor one. She tasted the soup and then indignantly put on her wraps to go out and hunt a dinner. As she was going to the elevator, she had to admit that she was behaving foolishly. She took off her hat and coat and ordered another dinner. When it arrived, it was no better than the first. There was even a burnt match under the milk toast. She had a sore throat, which made swallowing painful and boded ill for the morrow. Although she had been speaking in whispers all day to save her throat, she now perversely summoned the housekeeper and demanded an account of some laundry that had been lost. The housekeeper was indifferent and impertinent, and Thea got angry and scolded violently. She knew it was very bad for her to get into a rage just before bedtime, and after the housekeeper left she realized that for ten dollars’ worth of underclothing she had been unfitting herself for a performance which might eventually mean many thousands. The best thing now was to stop reproaching herself for her lack of sense, but she was too tired to control her thoughts.
While she was undressing—Therese was brushing out her sieglinde wig in the trunk-room—she went on chiding herself bitterly. “And how am I ever going to get to sleep in this state?” she kept asking herself. “If I don’t sleep, I’ll be perfectly worthless to-morrow. I’ll go down there to-morrow and make a fool of myself. If I’d let that laundry alone with whatever nigger has stolen it—Why did I undertake to reform the management of this hotel to-night? After to-morrow I could pack up and leave the place. There’s the Phillamon—I liked the rooms there better, anyhow—and the Umberto—” She began going over the advantages and disadvantages of different apartment hotels. Suddenly she checked herself. “What am I doing this for? I can’t move into another hotel to-night. I’ll keep this up till morning. I shan’t sleep a wink.”
Should she take a hot bath, or shouldn’t she? Sometimes it relaxed her, and sometimes it roused her and fairly put her beside herself. Between the conviction that she must sleep and the fear that she couldn’t, she hung paralyzed. When she looked at her bed, she shrank from it in every nerve. She was much more afraid of it than she had ever been of the stage of any opera house. It yawned before her like the sunken road at Waterloo.
She rushed into her bathroom and locked the door. She would risk the bath, and defer the encounter with the bed a little
longer. She lay in the bath half an hour. The warmth of the water penetrated to her bones, induced pleasant reflections and a feeling of well-being. It was very nice to have Dr. Archie in New York, after all, and to see him get so much satisfaction out of the little companionship she was able to give him. She liked people who got on, and who became more interesting as they grew older. There was Fred; he was much more interesting now than he had been at thirty. He was intelligent about music, and he must be very intelligent in his business, or he would not be at the head of the Brewers’ Trust. She respected that kind of intelligence and success. Any success was good. She herself had made a good start, at any rate, and now, if she could get to sleep—Yes, they were all more interesting than they used to be. Look at Harsanyi, who had been so long retarded; what a place he had made for himself in Vienna. If she could get to sleep, she would show him something to-morrow that he would understand.
She got quickly into bed and moved about freely between the sheets. Yes, she was warm all over. A cold, dry breeze was coming in from the river, thank goodness! She tried to think about her little rock house and the Arizona sun and the blue sky. But that led to memories which were still too disturbing. She turned on her side, closed her eyes, and tried an old device.
She entered her father’s front door, hung her hat and coat on the rack, and stopped in the parlor to warm her hands at the stove. Then she went out through the dining room, where the boys were getting their lessons at the long table; through the sitting-room, where Thor was asleep in his cot bed, his dress and stocking hanging on a chair. In the kitchen she stopped for her lantern and her hot brick. She hurried up the back stairs and through the windy loft to her own glacial room. The illusion was marred only by the consciousness that she ought to brush her teeth before she went to bed, and that she never used to do it. Why—? The water was frozen solid in the pitcher, so she got over that. Once between the red blankets there was a short, fierce battle with the cold; then, warmer—warmer. She could hear her father shaking down the hard-coal burner for the night, and the wind rushing and banging down the village street. The boughs of the cottonwood, hard as bone, rattled against her gable. The bed grew softer and warmer. Everybody was warm and well downstairs. The sprawling old house had gathered them all in, like a hen, and had settled down over its brood. They were all warm in her father’s house. Softer and softer. She was asleep. She slept ten hours without turning over. From sleep like that, one awakes in shining armor.
