by Judi Curtin
‘Johanna,’ I said. ‘There are special places for us to sit. You have to go––’
‘I am not an imbecile,’ she said sharply. ‘I have worked in a big house before and I know perfectly well what to do.’
I didn’t know whether to cry or laugh. Why was this girl being so mean to me when I had done nothing mean to her at all?
* * *
Nellie went to bed before me that night. Twenty minutes later I walked along the servants’ corridor. I didn’t know where to go, though. My things were in the room I had always shared with Nellie, but was that my room any more?
Did Johanna want to take my place?
I didn’t want to do anything to make that grumpy girl happy, but if it were to make Nellie happy too, that was a different thing altogether.
Should I not make a fuss?
Should I make things easier for everyone?
Should I take my things and move them to Teresa’s old room?
While I stood in the corridor unable to make up my mind what to do, Mrs Bailey came out of her office.
‘Ah, Lily,’ she said. ‘I’ve been meaning to talk to you all day. I wanted to congratulate you. That is such a kind thing you and Miss Maeve did, bringing those two sisters together.’
‘Thank you, Mrs Bailey.’
‘Now off to bed with you. I believe you had a late night last night and you must be tired.’
Even though Mrs Bailey was sometimes cross with me, I knew she had a kind heart, and at that moment I had no one else to talk to.
‘Mrs Bailey,’ I said. ‘I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to sleep.’
‘You will sleep with Nellie, as you always have.’
‘But what about Johanna? She slept in my room last night, and I thought …’
‘Johanna will sleep in Teresa’s old room. That’s where the lady’s maid always sleeps.’
They were the exact words I wanted to hear – but then I remembered how sweet Nellie and Johanna had looked in bed that morning. I remembered how Mam always told me to be kind, above everything else.
‘If Johanna wants to sleep in my room from now on, I don’t really mind. I can sleep very well in Teresa’s room.’
Mrs Bailey smiled at me. ‘You are a sweet girl, Lily,’ she said. ‘And I know that’s not what you really want.’
‘But …’
‘Lily, dear, bringing Nellie and Johanna together is wonderful, but things might be difficult for a while.’
‘Why? Being together is all those girls ever wanted.’
‘You are right, but they have been apart for so very long, and things can’t change overnight. Trust me, child. These girls have much to work out, and they will need a little space to do so. Things won’t be easy, and things won’t be perfect – not yet.’
I didn’t fully understand what she was trying to say, but I could see she was busy and I didn’t like to ask any more questions.
‘Thank you, Mrs Bailey,’ I said, wondering what I would do if I got to my room and found Johanna all tucked up in my bed, cuddling my doll, Julianne, taking my place.
‘You are welcome,’ she said, and then, as if she could read my mind, she added one more thing. ‘And don’t you worry. I have spoken to Nellie and Johanna about this and they understand the arrangements. Sleep well, child.’
Chapter Eighteen
The next morning, when I was finished cleaning the upstairs bedrooms, I met Isabelle, who was walking along the corridor holding Bridget by the hand. Bridget was normally a placid little girl, but she was whining and wriggling and didn’t seem at all happy.
‘Oh, dear,’ said Isabelle. ‘This little one is such a crosspatch today. Nothing I do will get her to settle. I even promised her I’d bring her outside to see Michael’s seal, which usually works like magic, and that didn’t help.’
‘Hello, Bridget,’ I said. ‘Are you the best girl in the house?’ Bridget cried and turned away from me, making me feel a bit foolish.
‘Don’t worry,’ said Isabelle. ‘That’s the way she has been all morning.’
Then Johanna came out of Lady Mary’s bedroom and came over to us. I smiled to myself – surely Johanna’s grumpy face would make Bridget cry even more.
But Johanna knelt down in front of her. ‘Hello, sweet girl,’ she said. ‘That’s a very pretty dress. I think you must be the most lovely girl in all of Sligo.’
And to my surprise, Bridget gave her a huge smile, and reached out and took her hand.
‘I’m Bridget,’ she said. ‘And I’m nearly three.’
‘Such a big girl!’ said Johanna. ‘I thought you were four at least. My name is Johanna. Can you say that? Jo…hanna?’
‘JoJo,’ said the child proudly. Then, clearly loving the sound, she repeated it over and over again. ‘JoJo. JoJo. JoJo.’
It was a very sweet moment, but suddenly Johanna stood up and ran away towards the back stairs. Isabelle shrugged, showing she had no idea what was going on either. I ran after Johanna, so confused for a moment that I forgot I was supposed to hate this girl.
‘Bridget liked you,’ I said as I caught up with her. ‘Why did you run off like that?’
Johanna turned towards me and I could see the tears in her eyes.
‘JoJo,’ she said, and then I remembered.
‘That’s what Nellie called you, isn’t it?’
‘And Lizzie too, when they were little and couldn’t say “Johanna”, and now …’
‘Oh,’ I said. ‘I’m sorry. That must be sad for you. That must remind––’
But then it was as if she became a different person. Her face became hard and cold. ‘What do you know about sad, with your mam and your brothers and sisters all happy together?’
‘I’m sorry for all the bad things that happened to you, truly I am,’ I said. ‘But it’s not my fault my family is happy – and anyway, we’ve had our hard times too.’
She ignored me. ‘And you think you’re so great, hobnobbing with Miss Maeve and Lady Mary, acting as if you were equals. You make me sick to my stomach and I don’t know how Nellie can stand to be near you every day.’
I ran down the stairs with tears in my eyes. Johanna was being so mean, and so unfair. All I ever wanted was to make Nellie happy, and now I was afraid I had brought a monster to live and work with us.
* * *
For the next few days I stayed away from Johanna as much as I could. If she wanted to be mean to me, that was fine, but I wasn’t going to make it easy for her.
Occasionally I passed her as I went about my work. A few times I saw her on the upstairs corridor. Often little Bridget was trailing after her, chattering and laughing. Once I saw Johanna bend and hug the little girl, before turning away and going back to her work.
* * *
One evening I went to the nursery to return the books Nellie had finished reading, and to get some new ones for her.
‘Shhh,’ said Isabelle when she saw me. ‘We have to whisper. Bridget has finally fallen asleep and I don’t think I could bear it if she woke up again.’
‘But she’s so sweet,’ I said.
‘She’s a perfect darling,’ said Isabelle as she knelt in front of the bookcase. ‘But she has me worn to a frazzle. If I take my eye off her for one second, she vanishes and I have to search everywhere for her. That’s not easy in a house as big as this.’
‘Where does she go?’
‘Looking for Johanna.’
I made a face. ‘Why would she want to do that?’
‘Johanna is nearly always nice to her.’
‘Nearly always?’
‘Sometimes she … oh, I don’t know – it’s almost as if she can’t bear to see her. Luckily, when that happens I can distract Bridget so she doesn’t notice. Mostly she’s nice though – and Bridget loves her.’
‘But …’
‘Maybe Bridget sees something in Johanna that we can’t.’
‘Like what?’
‘Kindness?’
‘
I’m doing my best, but mostly all I can see in that girl is meanness.’
‘You poor thing,’ said Isabelle, putting her arm around me. ‘I know none of this is easy for you.’
‘It’s not. I’m afraid that bringing Johanna to Lissadell was a huge mistake.’
‘Here,’ said Isabelle, handing me a big bundle of books. ‘Let’s hope that it will turn out like these stories, and Nellie and Johanna will live happily ever after.’
* * *
On Thursday, it was Nellie’s day off, and I felt my usual jealousy as I got dressed while it was still dark, and she could stay curled up all cosy in her warm bed.
‘What are you going to do for the day?’ I asked.
‘You know – the usual. I will go for a walk by the sea, and I’ll do some reading and mending.’
‘And what about Johanna?’
‘She has to work today and next Thursday, but Lady Mary said that after that, Johanna can have Thursdays off, so we can spend the day together. I’m looking forward to that so much.’
‘That’s nice,’ I said, thinking that a whole day with Johanna wouldn’t be much fun.
I sat on Nellie’s bed. ‘Dear Nellie,’ I said. ‘Is Johanna nice to you? Is having your sister back as good as you dreamed it would be?’
Nellie gave a big long sigh. ‘I love Johanna. I love her so very much, but …’
‘You can tell me anything,’ I encouraged her.
‘It’s hard. Sometimes she can’t stop kissing me and hugging me. She looks at me as if she’s afraid I’m going to vanish into thin air, and that that would be the worst thing in the world. But …’
‘But?’ I helped her.
‘But sometimes, she’s cold and mean. Sometimes she snaps at me, and says cruel things. Sometimes she looks at me and it’s as if she doesn’t care if she ever sees me again in her whole life. It’s scary and confusing.’
I didn’t know what to say, or how to comfort her. Why couldn’t Johanna be the perfect sister Nellie deserved?
I leaned over and put my arms around her. ‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered. ‘I’m sorry having her back isn’t the way you had hoped.’
Then I went to pick up my brush and mop, ready for another long day.
* * *
‘Oh, Mam,’ I said, trying not to cry, as she threw her arms around me and gave me one of her lovely hugs. ‘I’ve never been so glad to see you in my whole life.’
‘My poor little pet. Bring the bicycle in and tell me all about it.’
It was Saturday again, and I was so very happy to be home. I propped the bicycle against the kitchen wall, and after we’d all had a kiss and a hug, Mam chased the little ones into the yard to play.
‘Well,’ said Mam when the two of us were settled in the kitchen. ‘Tell me what has made my lovely girl sad.’
So I told her the whole story (leaving Maeve out of it) and Mam listened the way she always did, sometimes nodding or sighing, but never interrupting.
‘And now I don’t know what to do,’ I said. ‘I don’t know if Nellie was better off before Johanna came back into her life. I know I was happier before I met that cross, snappy girl. Sometimes I wish I’d minded my own business, and done nothing at all.’
Mam smiled. ‘You’re a very kind girl,’ she said. ‘You always want to make things better for everyone, so doing nothing was never going to be your choice.’
‘But what if I made things worse for Nellie?’
‘Ah, pet, it’s very early days yet, and what you say reminds me of something.’
‘What’s that?’
‘Remember you told me that when you first met Nellie, her behaviour was confusing to you?’
‘Yes. It was terrible. I couldn’t decide if she was a nice girl or a horrible one.’
‘And as you got to know her, you learned more about all the sad things that had happened to her. You understood that she was afraid of being close to you, afraid that she might lose you, and afraid of the pain that would cause. She was pushing you away, so she wouldn’t get hurt.’
‘Yes, I remember now – and I’m so glad I didn’t give up on her.’
‘It sounds as if those two girls have had a very difficult time of it.’
Then I remembered something else, and told Mam how Johanna was sometimes very sweet with little Bridget, and how sometimes she could hardly look at her.
‘The poor darling,’ said Mam. ‘Didn’t you say that Johanna was the oldest of the three sisters?’
‘Yes,’ I said crossly. ‘The oldest and the meanest.’
‘Be nice.’ Her two simple words made me ashamed.
‘Sorry, Mam.’
‘Can’t you see, pet? That poor girl felt responsible for the younger ones. She was trying to be mam and dad to them, when she was still only a child herself. When they were all sent to the workhouse, she blamed herself. Seeing little Bridget must bring all those dark days back – those days when no matter how she tried, she couldn’t save her sisters. She thought they were both dead, and she has lived with that guilt on her young shoulders for so many years.’
‘That must have been horrible.’
‘I’m sure it was. And now she has found one of her sisters alive and well, and that brings joy and pain. She’s grieving for the little one they lost, and trying to come to terms with seeing her baby sister nearly all grown.’
‘Oh, Mam. Everything makes so much sense when I’m here with you, but when I go back …’
She hugged me. ‘Be as nice as you can to that poor girl, and if she’s moody, try to be patient, try to understand. Things will get better, I’m sure of it.’
Winnie and Anne raced into the room. ‘We’re tired of playing on our own,’ said Anne. ‘Come with us, Lily. Come play with us.’
Mam smiled. ‘Off you go,’ she said. ‘And be back in time to help me with the dinner.’
* * *
‘Nellie? Are you awake?’
‘I am now. What do you want?’
‘I talked to Mam today, and I think I understand things a bit better. Remember when I came here first?’
‘I don’t like thinking about that. I wasn’t very nice to you.’
‘That’s true, but later I understood why. You told me about losing your mam and daddy, and your sisters and your friends. I know you were afraid of losing me too.’
‘I remember now. I didn’t want to be hurt any more.’ Her voice was so quiet I could just about hear her. ‘Do you think maybe Johanna is a little bit afraid?’
As she said the words, I knew they were true. ‘Yes, I think she’s afraid, and she’s feeling guilty too. None of what happened was her fault – but she feels she should somehow have protected you.’
‘Oh, Lily, your mam is so wise. I’m sorry I said Johanna was mean. She’s not mean at all, is she?’
I was wondering if maybe Johanna was a little bit mean, when I thought of something else – (and I felt proud that it was all my own idea, and not Mam’s!)
‘Nellie, you know how your life here in Lissadell is so important to you?’
‘Lissadell saved me. It’s my home now. Without Lady Mary’s kindness …’ She stopped talking for a minute, and I knew she was figuring it out for herself. ‘Do you think Johanna misses Temple House?’
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘I think maybe she does.’
‘Thank you for helping me to understand.’
‘You’re welcome.’
‘Poor Johanna. I think we should both be extra-kind to her from now on.’
I smiled to myself in the darkness. Nellie was a better person than me, and she didn’t know how hard a thing she was asking.
Chapter Nineteen
In the days that followed, things slowly got better. I learned to smile and walk away when Johanna was mean to me, and sometimes she was, well, maybe not nice, but almost nice.
Then one afternoon, Nellie and I were mending sheets when Johanna came in with a jewellery box in her hand. Nellie beamed when she saw her, and made space on
the seat beside her. I felt a whisper of fear for my friend. Which Johanna were we going to see today?
‘These necklaces of Lady Mary’s are all tangled up,’ said Johanna as she sat down next to Nellie. ‘Little Bridget has been meddling with them. Lady Mary was cross with her at first, but I said Bridget didn’t mean it. She is such a sweet little girl, she would never deliberately spoil them.’
I smiled. Johanna and Bridget were the best of friends these days, and everyone smiled when they heard Bridget running along the landing, saying ‘JoJo. Where you go, JoJo?’
‘Anyway,’ said Johanna. ‘Lady Mary has asked me to untangle these. It’s going to take me hours.’
I thought untangling fine gold chains would be more fun than mending endless boring old sheets, but I didn’t say anything.
Nellie and I had been talking about my last visit home, but now I didn’t want to continue the conversation. I never knew what was going to set Johanna off, and make her say mean things to me.
Then Johanna turned to me. ‘There’s something I’ve been wanting to say to you, Lily,’ she said.
I didn’t dare to speak. I stared at her, doing my best to stay calm, repeating Mam’s advice silently to myself. Try to be nice. Try to be patient
‘It’s about Nellie.’
‘What about her?’ We were talking about Nellie as if she wasn’t sitting right next to us, but I didn’t know how to stop Johanna without sounding rude.
‘You’ve been very kind to her. You’ve been a good friend.’
I was so surprised, I wasn’t sure what to say to this.
‘And you’ve been helping her with her reading – that’s such a wonderful thing to do.’
‘I was happy to help,’ I said, smiling at Nellie. ‘She’s so clever, it wasn’t hard at all.’
Then I thought of something else. There was no easy way to say it, so I blurted it out. ‘When you were in the workhouse in Tubercurry, Johanna, did you … did you go to school? Because if you didn’t, I’d be happy to … you know … help you to …’
