by Beth Garrod
Did she really think this was making things better?!
‘What my sister means is…’ I pressed so hard on her foot, I heard a small crunch. ‘It was obviously awful, but she liked that it inspired another brilliant post for GettingLilyWithIt.’ Erin raised her (my) left eyebrow. I didn’t even think that eyebrow would raise! How was she better at being me than me?! ‘That’s her blog, and it got loads of hits, so all worth it really.’
Frankie looked like I was talking in Latin. But Nic… well, Nic had tilted her head and was staring at my sister.
‘So GettingLilyWithIt is you?’
This time I grabbed a bollard for emotional support, except it turned out to be an annoyed Great Dane. But who cared? Nic had heard of my blog! I didn’t think she knew me or my blog existed!
‘Uh-huh.’ Erin nodded.
‘Someone sent me the link to that pets thing.’ Ahhh, so Nic had seen the pets who looked like their owners post. ‘It’s decent.’ Decent? NIC THOUGHT IT WAS DECENT?! This was peak epic st-unning-ness!
Full body swoon!
But Frankie had curled her lip, unimpressed.
‘It’s the worst thing on the internet,’ she spat. ‘And you know it, Nic.’ But Nic didn’t react – and I was too busy dealing with my ego fanning itself (and the Great Dane now sniffing my trouser pockets) to be bothered about what Frankie thought for once.
In this disaster of a day, finally something great had happened.
‘Nah, Franks. It’s funny stuff.’
What came after a full body swoon? Full body meltdown? Whatever it was, I was on the verge.
‘TheNicReport is genuinely the best ever!’ I blurted before I could stop myself. My voice was super squeaky – Erin’s body clearly had no experience of handling genuine excitement. ‘That post about Chase Cheney was epic!’ My sister coughed. Oh yes, real Erin wouldn’t recognize Chase Cheney if he jumped in front of her wearing an ‘I’m Chase Cheney’ T-shirt, let alone write an eight-thousand-word post on the way he blinked (I’d got 134 comments on it). I cleared my throat and tried to think of something boring and Erin-appropriate instead. ‘I mean, I’ve never read it. Obviously. Too busy working on my rock collection. I was just quoting my sister.’
Erin slapped a smile on. Here it came – her acting. ‘Lol. OMG. TSF.’ I knew from her face she’d made that last one up to annoy me. ‘Too right. Squeal. Chase is maje dreamio. Still not over not having a ticket.’
Chase Cheney was playing the Artemis and Athena Arena this Saturday, the day after my birthday. It was the biggest concert we’d ever had around here. Micha and I had tried everything to get tickets but they’d sold out in milliseconds. Not exactly helped by Erin kicking me off the family computer so she could do her homework. Her priorities sucked. The rumour going round was that Chase had got in touch with Nic to ask for a video feature on TheNicReport, but she’d said she was busy and could only do a phone call. Mich and I, along with the whole school, had been trying to find out if it was true for weeks.
‘Chase is actually a good guy.’ Nic said it as if she was talking about her dentist, not the world’s biggest pop star. ‘Not my music at all but still… and my sister was more than happy to take those backstage passes off my hands.’
OMG, so it was true! Chase and Nic did know each other! What could I say to that other than ohmerrgeeedwhat?
‘C’mon, Nic.’ Frankie sounded annoyed. ‘I’m not exactly a Cheneyator.’ That was what his fans were called. Frankie said it as if it was tragic, knowing full well I was a proud member. ‘But backstage should be jokes.’ Frankie pouted at my sister. ‘Such a shame you couldn’t get tickets, Lil. Guess there are perks to having a geekazoid sister after all.’
How she could say that about Nic – literally the coolest person in school?
The only perk I got from being Erin’s sister was… Nope. I had nothing.
‘Well, have a great time,’ Erin said, completely unbothered. ‘I’m busy anyway. I’ve got some rocks I ordered arriving.’ Who bought rocks? They were literally free from all gardens and paths! ‘I can’t wait to start getting them identified.’ She cracked her knuckles. ‘Hours of fun.’
Right, that was it. Our deal for me to suck up to Mrs Saddler later was off.
Nic was never going to speak to me again.
‘Ooookay, so this conversation is not getting any less weird.’ Frankie hoisted her bag on to her shoulder and looked at Nic. ‘Shall we head?’
But Nic didn’t move.
‘One sec.’ She held up hand. ‘Lily, not sure it’s your scene, but if you’re up for it we’re trying out some new writers for TheNicReport. I’m always looking for fresh perspectives and you’ve clearly got a unique take. Fancy sending me some stuff to take a look at?’
Sorry, had my ears heard that right?
Had Nic really just asked me to try out for her site?! In a way it was lucky it wasn’t up to me to answer. I was speechless. I turned to my sister – surely for once, she’d know exactly what to say. Yes. A massive, big YES!
This was everything I’d dreamed of!
I held my breath.
But… Erin looked puzzled. What was there to think about?
Nic picked up her bag. ‘I need to warn you. It’s a lot of work. And a big commitment. So if you’re not up for it, that’s fine.’
I couldn’t be more up for it if I’d tried. So why hadn’t my sister said yes yet?! Didn’t she realize that TheNicReport team only took on new people once a year?!
We all looked at my sister, waiting for her answer. Finally Erin noticed my manic blinking and nodded as if she’d got my sister-signal of what to do. Phew.
‘Thanks for the offer, Nic, but my sister and I have a deal.’ She smiled at me. ‘So I think I’m going to have say… no.’
No?! NOOOOO!
With a wave and a, ‘Fine,’ Nic and Frankie walked off.
Along with everything I’d ever wanted.
CHAPTER NINE
How bad could pretending to be my sister pretending to be Titania be?
Answer: so excruciating I got stress hiccups.
I’d wanted to bail, especially after what Erin had said to Nic, but it turned out my sister had honestly thought she was doing the right thing. She’d thought my blinks and weird staring were reminding her about our deal. Where I’d asked her to stay away from Nic.
For someone so clever, she could be entirely un-clever. I was fuming, but when I’d told her my dream was to write for TheNicReport she seemed genuinely sorry. So in a bid to stop anything getting even worse, we agreed to stay out of each other’s business entirely for the rest of the day, including all talking to Micha and Ben. Not that I had time to talk to anyone because between lessons teachers kept trying to chat to me – for fun! I’d planned to spend lunchtime secret-spying on Micha to check she was okay, but Mr Sharma grabbed me for a Les Quizerables ‘cool crib session’. After over thirty minutes of sitting with Erin’s teammates, clicking through a never-ending ‘quiz’ (‘quiz’ is definitely just a way of making ‘test’ sound more appealing), all I’d learnt was that hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia was the fear of long words and that being in the computer room at lunchtime with a teacher yelling, ‘Go, Quizheads!’ was not my idea of fun.
Yet somehow this rehearsal was even worse. I thought we’d all just be saying hi, or doing warm-ups pretending to be trees or something normal like that, but oh no. Now the parts had been officially decided, Mrs Saddler had two weeks of intense rehearsing planned out. All starting now.
‘So let’s hear that scene again. And remember…’ Mrs Saddler paused with a dramatic raise of her hand. Everything she did was dramatic. She probably made tea by throwing the bag in from another room. ‘This needs to have the audience on the Edge. Of. Their. Seats.’
If I had to go through with this play, the only way the audience would be on the edge of their seats was if they were about to run for the door.
Come on, Lily. Only a few more hours to survive and this will be over. Just focus
on the book in your hand, not the person millimetres behind it. Harley. Harley Grayson. Not only the best-looking boy in our school but also funny, smart and had a dog called Kettle that looked like a burrito.
And right now Harley was smiling. Right. At. Me.
The only time he’d even looked at me before was when I’d picked up a wireless earbud I’d thought he’d accidentally dropped in the bin and asked, ‘Is this yours?’
He’d replied, ‘What, that used chewing gum?’
And I’d panicked and said, ‘Just wanted to check you didn’t still want it.’
How had Erin failed to mention Harley was in this play with her, let alone playing her husband?! Thank goodness I could deal with this situation in private.
Oh no, that’s right – Harley and I were in the middle of the stage, a spotlight shining right on us, the rest of the cast and crew standing around us in a circle. Staring. It wasn’t exactly not off-putting to be being watched by myself either. I would love to say my sister was using my body to give me supportive looks, but from the way she mouthed, ‘Don’t mess this up,’ ‘threatening’ was more accurate. At least Frankie was distracted by her phone.
‘Relax,’ Harley whispered, making sure Mrs Saddler couldn’t see. ‘You’ve got this.’
Nope, Harley. You couldn’t be more wrong. The only thing I had was an inability to speak, the wrong body and a chronic case of stress hiccups. I looked up into his green eyes. Micha would not believe I’d been this close to him. Or that I’d had my entire body swapped with my sister. But the Harley thing was a close second.
No, Lily! Stop thinking about Harley and start reading these stupid lines in a suitably dramatic way. If I got Erin kicked off the play she’d never forgive me.
With a deep breath I went for it.
‘Would imitate, and sail up on the land to fetch me… trifles?’ Who knew Shakespeare liked sponge fingers?!
‘Erin, it’s not a question,’ Mrs Saddler snapped. ‘Why would you say it like that? It’s obviously a declaration of friendship.’
‘I see.’ I didn’t. Mrs Saddler pushed her glasses further up her nose (dramatically) and stared at me as if I must now deliver such gold it would gloss over the shaky start.
I started to read again. The words made zero sense. Should I look annoyed? Or happy? I went ‘cross with a touch of disappointment while smelling some toast burning’ and hoped for the best. I stuttered my way through as Harley delivered everything word perfectly.
Thank goodness we were finding Agatha and swapping back this evening. I could never do this again. I’d had a taste of life as Erin – and it was worse than celery.
At least when we finally got to the end everyone clapped – slowly, like a tap dripping, but still. I’d kept my promise to Erin. I looked over at her to get her reaction but… she’d gone. Where was she? Uh-oh. At the side of the hall. Talking to Frankie. And… laughing?!
My brain tried to compute what it was seeing. Me and Frankie hanging out?!
What on earth could the two of them be talking about?! They had nothing in common!
I didn’t take my eyes off them for the rest of the rehearsal. Even when I sneezed. It was a painful sixty minutes, but at least I’d officially survived the worst after-school activity of my life (which included when Micha and I cleaned out lost property and discovered a cheese and ham sandwich from 2012).
Mrs Saddler summoned us together.
‘Same time on Thursday.’ She pointed round the room with the pen she kept behind her ear. ‘We’ve got less than two weeks till we’re doing this for real, so total commitment please. Backstage crew, we’ll be going through prop design, and, principle cast, I’ll expect you to be able to run today’s scenes without scripts. Okay?’
A boy called Mark punched the air and said, ‘Let’s do this.’
Enthusiastic Mark was on Erin’s Les Quizerables team. Clearly he’d never been asked the question, ‘How many punches of glee should be allowed in response to a teacher comment?’ (Answer: zero.) The girl next to him rolled her eyes – then grinned when she realized I’d noticed. I think she was called Lou. I smiled right back, even though that was exactly what Erin wouldn’t do. She’d probably loudly ask why no one had already learnt all the words.
‘So, Erin.’ Uh-oh. Mrs Saddler had followed me over to the side of the hall where I was packing Erin’s bag in double time to flee. ‘How are you finding Titania’s motivations?’ Motivations?! I stared at her in horror. Before today I’d only experienced a teacher voluntarily coming over to talk to me once – to ask if I knew I had a pair of pants bunched in the bottom of my tights. ‘Now you’ve got the part, do you feel as if you’re starting to get under her skin?’
Ermmmmm. Erin would say something impressive, but all I had in my head was, ‘How could someone not notice they had a pair of pants in their tights?’
I attempted a smile. ‘Well, I er… definitely feel as if I know what it’s like to be in someone else’s body…’
Mrs Saddler closed her eyes and exhaled, a smile on her face. Although the exhale went on so long I started to worry she was deflating. ‘Delighted to hear it. I knew you would. To be honest, I was worried about today’s performance. Not at all your usual standard. By a long way. But if it’s all part of your “creative process”, I can’t wait to see you unleash your full talents next rehearsal.’
I nodded, relieved that by tomorrow I’d be back safely in my own body.
‘Don’t worry. I’ll be a new person by then,’ I said with a genuine smile. But I wasn’t free just yet – I had to wait for Erin to clear the hall. So I headed outside and stood by the bins where no one would see me.
What a day. Definitely my second worst school day ever (the day I’d accidentally thrown a javelin into our sports teacher’s thigh was still clinging on to first place). Being Erin was exhausting. I’d had questions fired at me all day and in maths I’d had to pretend I’d got sudden cramps when I’d got asked what was the value of ‘x’. It didn’t help that I’d had to sit front row for every lesson as they were the only seats left for me, so I hadn’t even been able to have any secret sleeps with my eyes open. Finding Agatha couldn’t come quick enough. So when I eventually heard Erin’s footsteps, I jumped right out.
Into the person who was speed-walking while typing into their phone.
Who wasn’t Erin.
She actually screamed.
‘I’m so sorry, Nic. I didn’t mean to scare you.’
‘Really?’ Nic looked genuinely shocked. ‘Hiding round corners and jumping out on people tends to do the trick.’
But she was grinning. Phew. Maybe it was now or never to try the idea I’d had to undo the damage from earlier?
‘Weird coincidence though. I’d been looking for you…’ Here went nothing. ‘After we left you this morning Lily told me she’d made a big mistake. A massive one. The most massive-est.’ I was speaking so fast I sounded like someone had doubled my playback speed. ‘She’d actually love to try out for TheNicReport…’ Gulp. ‘If the offer’s still there?’
Nic’s eyebrows raised.
‘Are you sure? She didn’t seem that keen. Normally people jump at the chance…’
I wanted to scream, ‘TRUST ME, NORMAL ME OR NORMAL ANYONE WOULD!’ but instead I nodded my head furiously.
‘I dunno…’
I felt sick.
‘Honestly, she really would love to do it…’ I was one sentence away from begging, but Nic’s phone had started ringing.
‘Tell you what.’ Nic clearly had to go. ‘Let Lily know I’ll keep my eye on GettingLilyWithIt for the next few days. And, if I see anything I like, I might track her down. Maybe.’
Maybe?!
Maybe I’d take! Maybe was AMAZING!
Nic answered the call, and distractedly waved goodbye, which was lucky as it meant she didn’t see me grinning from ear to ear.
Maybe everything wasn’t lost after all!
Maybe after finding Agatha and ending this nightmare, I
really could get my life back on track.
CHAPTER TEN
If we wanted to get to The Hairy Godmother before it shut we needed to leave now. But I was missing one crucial thing.
My sister.
Where was she?!
I looked back towards the big school fire doors, the evening sun bouncing off them, but there was no sign of her. Eurgh.
To calm myself down I messaged Micha. I’d never gone this long without talking to her (which included the time she flew to Australia, as she left me voice notes to pick up every hour).
Me: For no reason at all just wanted to say PORCUPINE WIFE 4 LYF
A hedgehog emoji was the nearest we could get to a porcupine, which we’d called each other ever since Micha once asked me what they sounded like, but our smart speaker thought she was asking it and had played a porcupine squeak at full volume to my whole house. It sounded like Barry the Hamster (RIP) crossed with Dad when he once inhaled helium. She replied straight back.
Micha: I missed you on the walk back. Can’t believe you’ve got to de-fluff your dad’s socks tonight!!
Mich knew I had punishment chores to do, but washing dishes and doing the bins couldn’t take all night, and this was the only other thing that had sprung to mind when I was messaging her earlier.
Me: ikr. Unbelievable.
Me: How was chemistry???
Yikes. Error! I regretted it immediately. Could I un-send?! I should know about chemistry as I was technically in that lesson this afternoon. But it was too late. Micha had already read it. I had no option but to dig even deeper.
Me: as in, did Mr S say anything else to you?!
The next few chemistry lessons were crucial for Micha if she wanted to stay in top set – and keep playing football.
Micha: One sec… Abdou is trying to put Dave in the toaster
Abdou was her four-year-old brother and Dave was their gerbil, so I thought it best she went.
Me:
Micha’s timing was perfect as Erin finally appeared. After taking a moment to deal with the weirdness of watching myself leave school, I ran over.
