by K. Forest
Nothing had meaning any longer. My stomach turns queasy as convulsions of pain begin to spread through me. Barely making it to the toilet, I retch with bile and rage for several minutes. Finally collapsing after those hours, I lay on the floor in defeat of all our dreams. The tears come first, and then I’m in a full bawl. There is no control anymore as my grief unravels on the cold tile floor.
“Hey, buddy. I got you.” Strong arms are holding me tightly. I’m now laying on Angelo’s lap as he’s washing my face with a cool washcloth.
Too weak to protest, I allow myself to be comforted. I remember there were a few times in my life that Angelo comforted me. When I got the chicken pox, his case was mild, and I took the brunt of it. He played games with me constantly until I healed. One Halloween when I was recovering from a tonsillectomy and couldn’t go trick or treating, he gathered extra candy for when I was healed. Then there was our eighteenth birthday extravaganza. His nurturing feels familiar as I lay here with him.
A couple of days go by before I can finally leave the bedroom. Each night, I would walk into the closet and take one of her garments to sleep with. Her smell, vanilla sugar with a hint of horse, had been my whole world since the day we met. My family members have all checked in, trying to comfort me. Food was wasted on me as meals were brought to the room. Mother would try to comfort me telling me that I have a daughter to remember Katarina by and that I needed to stay strong for her. Somehow, I seemed to hear everything through a fog of grief.
“Good morning, Sonny, time to get up. Today, you need to leave the house and say your
final goodbyes to our friends.” Angelo opens the shades, and sun beams pummel my aching eyes. He then flips the bedsheets off of me. “Let’s go. I’m going to help you clean up. Then, you are going to have something light to eat. Finally, we will get you dressed. Here we go, up on three.”
He maneuvers me up and assists me from the bed and into the shower. Turning on the water, he instructs me to clean myself up. Somehow, I follow his instructions as though I were a child. Walking out, I see some breakfast food waiting for me. Angelo sits in the other chair and instructs me to sit down and join him. Oskar set everything up in my room when I was in the shower. He’s mastered not being seen during this time, or I’ve just been blurring him out.
“Listen, Sonny,” Angelo gently says as we are eating. “This is the tough part, but it has to be done. Today, we need to pay our respects to Mateo and Josephine. They were our friends, and we were part of the only family they had. So, you are going to get dressed after we eat, and we will go there together.”
My clothes are laid out, and slowly, mechanically, I get dressed. Angelo is right, I need do this for them.
“All right, let’s go. The driver is waiting. I’ll put your jacket on once we arrive. Come on, wear these sunglasses.” Angelo says handing them to me.
Angelo manages to direct me to a chair in front of two caskets. One brown, with my best friend Mateo in it, and the other white for his wife, my friend Josephine. Years of happiness, sadness, and adventures are blurring through my brain. I feel like I’m surrounded by onlookers waiting for me to break. I’m hidden by my shades, which will my armor for the next several hours.
I feel movement next to me and hear Angelo’s voice saying, “Sit next to Sonny. Take these roses.” Looking over, I see Sam sitting ramrod straight, looking at both caskets. He, too, is wearing sunglasses. Angelo hands me two roses, a red rose and a white one. “OK, Sonny, it’s Sam’s turn, then your turn to pay your respects. Lay the roses on their caskets. I will walk up with both of you. You are going to do this to honor them.” Angelo’s voice is so gentle. He is like my guardian angel, taking turns to both console yet direct me to do what I should and need to do. With Angelo in the middle, he walks Sam and me up to the front.
I place a red one on Josie’s white casket, remembering the joy of their wedding. Then over to my best friend’s casket where I lay the white rose. Placing both my hands on the casket, I lean my head down remembering what he had requested of me before his son was born. He asked me to protect Josephine and his son Nicholas in case anything happened to him.
He knew Sam would take care of them, but I would be the one to get them away from the life he inherited. Only I was capable of doing that. God, what a failure I was. Turning around, I see Sam still standing next to me looking lost and forlorn. Finally, I am able to see past my own grief and embrace his as my arms go around him.
Laying on the chaise lounge on the boathouse terrace, I look out at the scenery, seeing nothing at all. I asked Angelo to take me back here. I didn’t want to be at the estate where my wife’s memories were still so raw. Being empty of all emotion somehow feels better. I made it through the first burial ceremony, and I knew the most difficult one lay ahead. The reception is still going on at the hotel for Mateo and Josephine. I’m alone in my misery as Angelo finally left my side. I am honoring my best friends with a bottle of Lion Whiskey. Most of the guests are from Josephine and Mateo’s work, a.k.a., my family’s organization. Passing out tonight seem like a good idea.
“Hey, I was looking for you.” I hear Tony say as he sits next to me. Somehow, I have been lucky enough to manage not to see him since everything happened. I don’t remember seeing him at the hospital or funeral, as if he stayed well away from me on purpose.
My body goes rigid, and I sense my blood start to run hot. I take another generous sip of whiskey in hopes he will vanish.
“I’m really sorry, Sonny. I loved them, too. And Kat was like a sister to me.” Tony says.
Uncontrollably, all my pent-up anger boils over. I jump up and sucker punch the son of a bitch. I can’t stop hitting him again and again. He had unleashed the unspoken blame I placed on him and our father. “Never say her name again in my presence, asshole! You are part of the reason they all died. You, and that asshole of a father, and his damn obsession with Casas.” I yell, needing to continue letting out my rage.
I had overheard my parents and brothers all arguing one night down on my terrace. The window was open, and I could digest only bits and pieces of their conversation but enough to piece things together. They were taking about Casas, the Spaniard and my father’s enemy for years. A shipment that went sour. Tony was in a sling from a ricocheted bullet the week before the accident. Things had heated up, and my mother yelled at Father that he should have stayed away from Casas a long time ago.
“Tony, I told you to leave him alone. Get the hell out of here!” Angelo yells as he pulls us apart. Holding his arms tight around me, Angelo tells Tony to get out for the time being. I’m not sure where all my power came from. Now, I sit on the ground, completely drained, with my hands on my knees bowing my head. “Claudette, get him the hell out of here. Now!” Angelo yells again.
“Come on, Tony. Let him cool down; let’s go.” She says.
“I live here. What the hell? I was just trying to comfort him; he’s my brother too. He’s not the only one suffering!” He shouts in frustration. The three of them walk back into the house, leaving me to regain my breath.
Time passes when Angelo returns with pillows and blankets. “Get up and lay down, I’m not carrying your drunk ass upstairs. We will sleep out here tonight.” In an effort which seems unattainable at the moment, Angelo sighs and helps me stand. Plopping back into the chaise, I reach for my bottle. “Oh no, you’re not. Nope, you are numb enough, and I’m way too sober.
Tomorrow you need to be presentable to honor Katarina.” He says, using her full name which strangely enough consoles me.
I look up at the star-scattered sky, wondering if my beauty is up there watching, and my stomach sinks with the disappointment she must feel.
Tweet, tweet, tweet... Birds tweeting. Reluctantly opening my eyes, I spy birds flying from tree to tree. The sun peaks through the branches, reaching my feet that are sticking out from the blanket. My body is wrecked and weak. I look over to where Angelo is laying, passed out from exhaustion. He’s been my rock and my sh
ield this past week as I’ve been living a nightmare. Today is the second worst day of my life. Laying my beauty to rest... To death do us part. When I said my vows, I told her she would forever be my always, until my last days on earth. I said those words believing she would outlast me, not the other way around.
She once told me one of her favorite attributes about me was my strength. Now, I need to give her that as her last gift. I leave Angelo to sleep as he needs it. I make my way upstairs and proceed to get dressed, so I can say a final goodbye to my beauty. An hour later, I’m back looking like myself—well, kind of. My eyes now seem so similar to my mother’s and have dimmed just like hers. For now, they will remain hidden by sunglasses.
“Shit, there you are! I woke up and panicked not seeing you.” Angelo says out of breath. “Damn, you clean up nice; let me do the same. I’ll be down in a few.” He gives me a pat and then runs to his room.
I’m sitting in the passenger seat of Angelo’s car, my armor placed over my eyes. We drive in an understandable silence with soft music playing. Grief is like a sunburn. The first stage is the shock, then denial creeps in that it won’t hurt. Bargaining with products to numb the
pain. Depression that you can’t move on from, and finally the acceptance. I don’t think I will ever move on to the acceptance. It would mean denying everything she meant to me. For now, I’ve made it to bargaining, and it looks like I’ll be here for a while. My soul is laying lifeless, but my shell of a body is moving numbly.
Angelo parks the car and lets out a puff of air. “Sonny, I made all arrangements per the Morrones’ wishes. I took it upon myself to order a gold casket and have only sunflowers at the burial. I hope you are okay with that. Please, don’t be upset with them if you don’t like something.” Angelo tells me before we get out. Understandably, he is afraid I will make a scene given my outburst last night. “I’ve also taken the liberty to ask Claudette and Tony to keep their distance. Father is a different story, as he’s insisting on escorting Mother.” He says with frustration.
“It’s fine, Angie. Thank you for everything, I couldn’t have done any of this without you.” I say hoarsely, meaning every word. I wouldn’t be put together without him. He’s anchoring me from drowning myself in sorrow.
Then, there are the elephants in the whole disaster. There will be time to deal with Father and Tony in the near future. Questions will be answered. Today is definitely not the day though. Nothing will tarnish this day honoring my beauty.
“I am okay, Angie.”
Angelo nods and looks over to where a crowd of people have gathered. “It’s time to go. We walk in and sit together, okay?” He asks.
I take a deep breath, nod in agreement, and open the door.
Angelo, as promised, walks alongside me, both of us wearing black suits and sunglasses. Besides our family, others wouldn’t be able to tell us apart. Eyes and sighs zoom around us. My mother is the first to hug me, whispering her love for me. Father was next, embracing me with a tight hug and trying to console me. Although my first instinct is to recoil from him, I oblige by allowing but not returning it. Bianca and Maria, tears streaming down their mascara-marked faces, both hug me at the same time. They loved Katarina like a sister.
Angelo still stays close by. I hear to father saying something to him. Angelo sharply responds by saying this was not the place.
Finally, I see my in-laws holding each other and staring at the gold casket. Until that point, I thought I was doing pretty well holding things together.
Walking slowly toward them, my heart breaking for them as well as for myself, I whisper, “Mama, Papa, I’m so sorry I couldn’t protect her. I failed both of you miserably, as well as Katarina.”
They both embrace me, crying. “Sweet, sweet boy, she loved you so very much, and so do we. There was not a thing you could have done for her. You cannot protect a woman from what happens in childbirth.” I hear her mother saying. “Don’t ever forget, we are still family.”
Angelo walks over, and we both take a seat next to them. The ceremony lasted about forty-five minutes with everyone laying down a sunflower in her memory. Finally, as the church empties out, I see Father walking towards me. Again, Angelo quickly intercepts him, once again insisting it isn’t the place or time and to back off. My mother ends up storming away in tears with my father briskly following her.
Angelo is waiting for me by his car, giving me space to say a private goodbye. I’m gripping two sunflowers in my hand. I stand up and walk to the golden casket where the shell of her body is left. Laying the two sunflowers down, I bend and kiss the casket and recite words I’ve said to her a hundred times before.
“The first time my eyes saw you, my heart whispered you are my mate for life. You are the best thing I never planned. You will always and forever be my always, until my last days on earth. What I have with you, I don’t want with anyone else.”
After Katarina’s burial ceremony, I took a few days to myself on my sailboat. Angelo kept trying to insist that I go back to the hospital to see my baby girl. My intuition that we were having a girl was correct. She was out of intensive care, and she could be held now. I was not yet ready to reenter the place where my wife died in. The sailboat kept me busy, with the wind clearing my mind.
I go over all activities that lead to that horrific day. My wife died of complications giving birth. Her blood pressure was slightly elevated during her pregnancy. An eclampsia spike caused a seizure. She started hemorrhaging and lost large amounts of blood. The doctors did an emergency c-section to save our child. The doctors said it was a freak incident that no one could have foreseen.
After facing the reality that there really wasn’t anything I could have done, it was time to confront the elephants in the devastating story. I pictured Mateo shouting down from heaven to get out of my fog and exact revenge. He deserves revenge, I think, they deserve revenge. I have officially crossed the line to the dark.
When I finally returned home, it was to find a note from Angelo stating he was at the hospital visiting the baby. I text a request to meet at the hotel conference room ASAP to my father, Uncle Carmine, and Tony. Immediately, a text came back from my father saying they would be ready whenever I arrived.
I start heading to leave, and just then Angelo comes striding through the door, a happy smile on his face, humming a tune. I stop dead in my tracks. “Why are you here?”
He continues to just smile at me. “I’m here to anchor you, brother. Let us go meet the elders together.”
We enter the lobby of the hotel and are greeted by Germano and Oskar. They both have been helping tend to baby Nicholas since the accident. “Sir Santos, our condolences once again for your loss. We are here for whatever you may need.” Germano says.
“Thank you, Germano.” I say and gesture to Oskar a thank you.
“They’re all inside waiting for you. Would you like me to join or wait outside the door?” asks Oskar.
Angelo answers briskly that he won’t be needed, but Sam will be joining us any minute. Looking over at me, Angelo waits for my rebuke. Before I can say anything, we see Sam walking briskly towards us.
“You didn’t think we were going to send you alone into the den of wolves now did you, brother? Sam deserves to be as much a part of this as us.”
“Who’s at the hospital on watch?” I ask in panic. “Don’t worry, the package is protected. JP is there; plus, the Morrones and Mom are there.” Angelo says with conviction.
I nod trusting him completely knowing that JP is our best security front man. Turning to Sam, I acknowledge his presence with another nod.
“When you are ready, we all walk in together.” Angelo states firmly.
I don’t bother knocking as I walk resolutely through the doors. One way or another I was going to get answers to the many question that had been left unanswered for too long.
“Santos, son, I’m glad you agreed to talk.” My father stands up, waving me in. “Carmine, boys, I would like a word alone with Santos. T
hat will be all for now.” Father states with authority.
“I’m not going anywhere, Anthony. What you have to say to Santos, you will say to all.” Once again, Uncle Carmine surprises us all by standing up to his brother. “This is a family matter, and we are going to settle this once and for all.”
My father falters slightly, but enough for me to notice. Staring at his brother, he suddenly seems to sag and age before our eyes.
As he remains silent, I take that as an advantage. “Tell me everything about the animals who hunted down and murdered my best friends.” Standing with my hands against the conference table, I glare at my father waiting for how he will manage his wording.
He remains silent. I hear Tony slowly and hesitantly recite how things went down that fateful day. Flowers had been delivered to my mother along with a note. “Dafne, Mi Amor, C.” Father flipped when he saw the note and declared he would personally kill the bastard. Shortly afterward, Katarina went into early labor. Her parents insisted on taking her to the emergency room where she went into surgery for difficulties. Mateo did not want to leave her without protection, and my father insisted on following them. Josephine wanted to accompany him. They took Father’s car as it was blocking Mateo’s. Maria and Bianca and Tony stayed behind with baby Nicholas and our parents.
My father speaks, interrupting the digestion of Tony’s words. “Santos, I’ve tried to keep you away from this life, you know that.” He’s trying to deflect as usual.
I raise my hand, stopping him from speaking any further. “Casas, what does he want? What does he want besides all of us dead?”
He looks at me then at my uncle. He shuts his eyes, then he looks away past all of us. “He wants—” He quietly says, stopping mid-sentence. All the assertiveness and strength leave his voice. His body slumps even more.
“What did you do, Anthony?” My uncle barks.
