All of You

by Jasmine Stevens

  Emma felt the vibration of her phone buzzing through her handbag as it leaned up against her leg. Digging into her bag, she finally found it amongst the baby wipes, lip balm, and other junk she kept in there. She was too late, she’d missed the call, and her brow furrowed with concern as the screen flashed with the missed call from Detective Morrison. Her hands shook, holding onto the phone. She knew what this meant.

  She turned to Lilly. ‘Hey, do you mind holding Zoe for a minute? I have to make a phone call.’

  ‘Sure.’ Lilly took Zoe onto her lap and looked at Emma with concern. ‘Is everything okay? You’re as white as a sheet, and you’re trembling.’

  Emma waved away Lilly’s concern. ‘Yeah, everything’s good. This shouldn’t take long.’ She walked out to the carpark away from the noise and pressed Detective Morrison’s number on her phone. He answered on the second ring. ‘Emma.’

  ‘Yep. Hit me with it.’

  ‘Well, there’s no easy way to say it. Jason Knight’s parole hearing is scheduled for six weeks. If he makes parole, we’re going to fight for his parole conditions to include not leaving the state of Victoria and that he has to check in every day with his parole officer.’

  None of what the detective was saying was easing Emma’s fears.

  ‘He has no idea where you live. You and Zoe should be safe,’ Detective Morrison continued, and Emma zoned out, not wanting to hear Zoe and she would be safe. She knew nobody could guarantee that, no matter what conditions were placed on Jason Knight if he made parole. There was no amount of assurance that could ease her fears. For the second time that night, tears burned her eyes, and the phone she held to her ear shook uncontrollably. How could this be happening? ‘Does he intend to file for custody?’ Emma asked.

  ‘I’m not sure. I’ll know more in a few days.’ That did little to reassure her.

  ‘You’re perfectly safe from him, Em. You’ve got nothing to be concerned about, I promise.’

  ‘Well, I don’t feel safe anymore,’ her voice starting to rise as fear gripped her in a tight vice. ‘For Christ’s sake. I killed the man’s son and have his granddaughter. He’s going to want to get custody of Zoe, I just know it. Not to mention he’s going to want revenge. How could I possibly be safe?’

  Emma sat down in the dirt, leaning heavily against her car. She looked up at a million stars twinkling back down at her and tried to push away the flood of memories engulfing her. She swallowed the wave of nausea surging through her stomach, concentrating on the rise and fall of her chest as she breathed in and out—a technique her psychologist had suggested when panic began to overwhelm her.

  The memories kept coming to her, though. She couldn’t shut them out, not this time.

  Time stood still as she remembered that day as it played out in slow motion in her mind. She was back in the house with the man who had overdosed, back to where she could hear Zoe’s cries through the bloodied door of her nursery.

  She could still smell the raw, acrid scent of blood that pooled from underneath a woman lying face down in front of Zoe’s cot. Emma had cautiously entered the room, surveying for danger as she made her way over to the woman. Holstering her gun, she withdrew gloves from her pocket and placed the latex on her hands. The woman groaned as Emma leaned over and felt her pulse. ‘Pulse is weak. She’s barely alive.’ Jackson stood behind her, and she heard him call for an ambulance.

  As she rolled the woman over, she glanced at Zoe in the cot. That poor little baby with her arms and legs punching the air, her face mottled, beetroot red from screaming, and naked except for a nappy must’ve been terrified, and Emma’s heart immediately went out to that little girl. Emma grabbed a blanket from the baby’s cot and held it to the woman’s bleeding abdomen.

  Jackson knelt next to her. ‘Ambulance is on its way. ETA twenty minutes.’

  Emma whispered in Jackson’s ear, ‘I don’t think she has that long.’ Emma grabbed Jackson’s hand and pressed it against the woman’s abdomen. ‘I’ll try to calm the baby.’ Emma stood and lifted a crying Zoe out of the cot. She looked to be about nine months old. Bringing her to her shoulder, she made shushing sounds while gently swaying her back and forth. Zoe’s tiny heartbeat raced against her chest as she continued to scream.

  Emma saw the wooden, antique-style wardrobe fling open out of the corner of her eye. A short, wiry man sprang out of the wardrobe, raising his gun directly at Emma. She could remember every single detail of him—his hair, long and unkempt, the colour of orange reminding her of a lion’s mane. He wore no shirt, his jeans were unbuttoned, and the zipper undone. He was covered in sores, and tattoos laced their way around his torso, arms, and neck. She turned the baby away from the assailant and caught Jackson’s eye as he drew his weapon. ‘Sir, you need to lower your weapon.’ Jackson’s voice was firm and steady.

  ‘Fuckin pigs, give me back me kid.’ The man screamed, and Emma looked over her shoulder at the man who sneered back at her, showcasing a mouthful of rotted teeth. ‘Give ‘er to me.’ Spit flew from his mouth as he screamed at Emma and moved closer, waving the gun at her.

  Jackson moved his gun, aiming at the man’s chest. ‘Sir, let’s just take a minute. Nobody wants to see anybody else get hurt. Do we? Put the gun down, and then you can have your daughter.’

  The man turned back to Jackson and screamed, ‘Shut up, pig.’

  Emma saw Jackson’s mouth open to speak, heard the sound of a gun firing, and then saw Jackson pull the trigger on his gun. She dove to the ground, hearing another gunshot as she slid across the blood-covered floor. A stab of pain hit her shoulder. Falling on top of Zoe, she grabbed her holstered gun and rolled in one swift movement off Zoe, onto her back, and onto her feet. She fired a shot at the perp as he fired another shot at Jackson. The bullet hit him directly in his chest. Unperturbed, he came at her again firing another bullet at her and then another. She hit him twice in quick succession directly at his heart. She watched as he staggered towards her still and then fell with unblinking eyes in front of her, his revolver hitting the floorboards with a clang.

  With her heart feeling like it was beating out of her chest, she kicked the perp’s gun away with her boot. Emma’s knees buckled from underneath her as her vision began to blur. She fell to her knees and then face down on the ground. She felt incredibly cold, and as much as she tried to keep her eyes open, tried to will the ringing in her ears to go away, she simply wasn’t strong enough.

  A figure coming around the front of her car made her jump. Swivelling her head towards the person, she spotted a concerned-looking Lilly holding Zoe on her hip. Emma swiped the tears away with the back of her hand and lifted herself from the ground on unsteady feet.

  Lilly reached out and took hold of her arm, sitting her back down in the dirt. ‘Are you okay?’ Lilly squatted down in front of her, and Emma noticed Zoe looking at her curiously.

  Emma ran a hand through her hair and huffed. ‘No, I don’t feel so good. Must be something I ate.’ She rubbed her stomach back and forth.

  ‘Well, you look dreadful. You’re as white as a ghost.’

  ‘Yeah, I might head off.’ She got up again, on much sturdier feet and reached out to take Zoe. She strapped her in her car seat and turned around to find Lilly staring at her with arms crossed, wearing a worried expression.

  ‘You going to be okay to drive home?’

  Emma swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded, not trusting her voice not to quiver if she spoke.

  Lilly pulled Emma in for a hug and whispered in her ear, ‘If you need me, call me. Promise?’

  Pulling away, Emma nodded and got in her car, trying to avoid making any more eye contact with Lilly in case she burst into tears and confided everything to her. Lilly was the type of person who Emma felt comfortable around, comfortable enough to let her guard down and tell her every deep and dark secret. That couldn’t happen. Too many people were relying on her to keep them safe, and to do that, she had to keep her mouth shut.

  Ben jogged up the gran
dstand two steps at a time. He couldn’t wait to hear what Emma had thought of the bull-riding competition. He couldn’t hide the disappointment out of his voice when he asked Will, ‘Where’s Em and Zoe?’

  Will winced. ‘Yeah, sorry, mate, they took off. Emma got a phone call and left to take it.’

  Someone came up from behind him and poked him in the ribs, involuntarily his stomach clenched in response, and he turned with a grin. ‘Hey.’ He knew it was Lilly. She always did this to him as she knew he was ticklish, and this game of hers, poking him where he was the most ticklish, never grew old.

  ‘Hey.’ She sidestepped around Ben and sat down. ‘Something spooked your girlfriend. I found her in the carpark, pretty upset. She’s gone home, but I’m worried.’

  The news worried Ben too. What if it was her ex? Had he found her? ‘Let me guess. She wouldn’t tell you what was wrong.’

  Lilly shook her head.

  ‘She closes up tighter than a clam when any conversation begins about her life in Melbourne.’

  ‘Do you think it might have something to do with her ex?’

  ‘Yeah, I do. I might pop over to her place and check it out. Make sure she’s okay.’

  Lilly bent over and picked up Zoe’s nappy bag and handed it to him. ‘Good idea, and you can say she left this behind, and you wanted to return it as your excuse for dropping in.’

  Ben winked at Lilly. ‘Good one, Lil. You’re full of great ideas.’ He smacked a brotherly kiss on her forehead.

  Will looked to Ben, eyebrows drawn tight with suspicion. ‘You mean to tell me you’re going to miss the after-party? Don’t you look forward to this night so you can hook up with an out-of-towner?’

  ‘Yeah, but this is important. She could be in trouble. If she’s okay, I’ll be back in time to pick up.’

  Will’s eyebrows shot up again. ‘Lil called her your girlfriend, and you didn’t even bat an eye.’

  Ben shouldered the nappy bag. ‘So?’

  ‘So. You’ve never had a girlfriend as far as I know.’ Will ribbed Niko. ‘Has he, Niko?’

  Niko shook his head, grinning. ‘Nope, you’re a goner, man.’

  Ben shook his head. ‘I’m not. I’m a concerned friend. We’re mates.’

  ‘Sure,’ everyone said in unison.

  Ben growled, turned around, and jogged down the grandstand steps.

  Zoe had been sound asleep when Emma pulled into her driveway. As she lowered her into her cot, Zoe wrapped her hand around Emma’s finger and didn’t let go. Emma’s heart skipped a beat. God, she loved this little girl. They had a bond, and Emma would do everything in her power to protect her forever. She looked down at her long lashes and chubby rosy cheeks and realised she was the luckiest woman alive to have Zoe. If her grandfather fought for custody and won, she didn’t know how she’d cope without Zoe in her life.

  A loud knock at the door made Emma jump. Who would be visiting at this hour? She padded down the hallway and standing behind the front door, asked, ‘Who is it?’

  ‘It’s Ben.’

  Emma undid the keychain and unlocked the door. She opened the door cautiously to see Ben standing on her front porch. He held the nappy bag out to her. ‘You forgot something.’

  Emma hit her forehead with the palm of her hand. ‘My goodness, I hadn’t even noticed I’d forgotten it.’ She took the bag and placed it on her shoulder. ‘Thanks for dropping it off.’ Ben was so close to her, she could smell the unmistakable scent of horse and hay.

  ‘No problem. You rushed off before saying goodbye.’ His eyes roamed her face. ‘Is everything okay?’

  Emma brushed a nonchalant hand across her face as if swatting an annoying fly.

  ‘Everything’s fine. Just some news I knew was coming but hoped wouldn’t happen so soon.’

  ‘Anything I can help you with?’ He leaned his body against the door jamb.

  ‘No, it’s all good.’ Emma felt like she was having a Mexican standoff with Ben. He obviously wanted more information, but she wasn’t about to fill him in on her personal business.

  ‘Has this got anything to do with your ex?’

  ‘Ryan. God no. I haven’t spoken to him in months.’ She stepped aside and made a welcoming gesture with her hand. ‘Would you like to come in?’

  Ben nodded. ‘Sure,’ and stepped inside the door. She watched him as he looked around the house, suddenly feeling embarrassed at its state. Toys were scattered across the lounge room floor. Emma pushed them aside as she moved through the room into the kitchen. On the dining room table still sat the washing basket of clothes she hadn’t gotten to fold and iron. Zoe’s daycare bag still sat unpacked on the breakfast bar. She deftly scooped it up and placed it on the dining room table beside the clothes basket.

  ‘I have coffee, tea, and beer. What would you like?’

  Ben narrowed his eyes. ‘What kind of beer?’

  ‘XXXX Gold.’

  ‘Yep. Sold. Crack me open one.’ Making himself at home, he sat down on a stool at the breakfast bar. ‘I didn’t take you for the beer-drinking type of girl.’

  ‘Looks can be deceiving,’ she said with raised eyebrows. She handed him the icy cold can of beer and took a swig of her own. She saw his inquisitive gaze. ‘Who are you, the fun police? I’m only having one. It’s been a long day.’

  He put his hands up in defence. ‘Hey, no judgement here.’

  She watched him take in his surroundings and do a double-take as he noticed the cabinet to his left. ‘That’s a hell of a lot of cups and teapots you’ve got.’

  ‘I collect them.’ Emma scratched her nose nervously, wondering what Ben would think of her unusual collection.

  He stood and moved over to the cabinet. Emma followed close behind. Opening the glass door, he picked up a teapot in the shape of a cow and laughed. ‘That’s the fattest looking cow I’ve ever seen.’ Emma took it carefully out of his hands and placed it back on the glass shelf. ‘Look, but don’t touch.’

  ‘You mean to tell me you have all these cups, and you don’t use any of them?’

  She nodded, closing the cabinet doors. ‘That’s right. They’re collectables.’

  ‘Uh, huh.’ He pointed to a teacup through the glass. ‘Is that a peacock?’ His voice sounded incredulous.

  She grinned. ‘Yes, it is, and now you’re looking at me like I’m a crazy, teacup lady.’ Ben was looking at her with amusement dancing in his eyes.

  ‘That’s because you’re a crazy, teacup lady.’ He smiled back at her and took a sip of his beer. She did the same. Their eyes locked. She was crazy. This was crazy, but she wanted nothing more than to step into him and feel his arms around her. She averted her eyes to the colourful display of teacups but could still feel his eyes on her. They stood shoulder to shoulder. Her arm brushed up against his bicep as she lifted her hand to take another sip of her beer. Her skin vibrated from the innocent touch. When was the last time she had felt the zing of attraction? That powerful urge to be as humanly possible to another human being. She had felt that with Ryan. In the beginning.

  She cleared her throat and moved away, sitting down on the wooden breakfast stool. Ben followed her. She could feel his scrutiny as he took a seat next to her. ‘Look, Em. I know you don’t know me from a bar of soap, and we’ve only known each other a few weeks, but I’m one hell of a good listener, and I’m listening. So spill. What’s going on?’

  ‘Look, it’s nothing really.’ She twirled her beer around in a circle, not game enough to lift her head and look into the eyes that currently were an unwavering force directed on her.

  ‘Tell me, Em.’

  ‘I can’t.’

  ‘Can’t or won’t?’

  ‘Both.’

  ‘Why? What’s so important you can’t confide in a friend?’ He placed a hand over hers, stilling it from moving the can in the circular motion.

  ‘You wouldn’t understand, Ben.’ She kept her eyes firmly on the beer can, not game to lift them to Ben’s as she knew once she looked into his eye
s, she’d be telling him her secrets and fears, which would be a huge mistake.

  ‘Try me?’

  She made a derisive sound with her tongue and let out a sigh. ‘Ben, we come from different worlds. You have no comprehension about the kind of life I’ve left. You’re living a perfect, simple life with no responsibilities. Trust me, you wouldn’t understand a thing I’m going through at the moment.’

  She instantly regretted her abrasive tone and lifted her head in time to see the look of hurt sweep across his face. His lip twitched like he was holding back emotion before he stood, putting his beer on the counter. ‘It’s late, I better hit the road, so I don’t miss out on the after-party at the rodeo.’

  Emma followed him through the lounge room to the front door. His demeanour had changed instantly. She could tell by his slumped posture as he walked. When he was through the door, he turned. ‘See you Tuesday for that horse ride.’

  ‘Look, I’m sorry—’

  Ben cut her off. ‘Don’t, Em. You’re totally right. My life is so perfect, how I could possibly understand anything that could be going on in yours? I get it.’

  As he walked down the steps, Emma stopped him with a hand on his arm. ‘Ben, what I said came out all wrong. That’s not what I meant to say.’

  He still didn’t turn and look at her as he spoke. ‘No apology necessary. You’re totally spot on.’

  She dropped her hand. ‘I’ll see you on Tuesday, then.’