All of You

by Jasmine Stevens

  He walked towards his bike, put on his helmet, and started up the engine. She thought he was about to turn and say something to her, but instead, he shook his head and drove off.

  Shit, she had hurt a friend who had shown her nothing but kindness. How the hell was she going to make it up to him?

  Ben slammed the handlebar with a closed fist and then rested his head on the cool surface, hoping it would simmer the anger that flared throughout him. The injustice of his life and circumstances beyond his control had him trying hard to rein in his anger. He had plenty of responsibilities. The farm and the new mortgage on his house, newly built by Will, was a huge responsibility for him. He stopped himself from turning the bike around and driving back to Emma’s house and telling her exactly how imperfect his life was.

  Not a soul knew how tough life actually was for him. Everyone, including his family, believed he was happy, living the life of a bachelor. He wasn’t. He’d love nothing more than to wrap his arms around a beautiful wife and have a tribe of kids to go home to at the end of a hard day working on the farm. So, Emma was right there. No, he didn’t have the worry and responsibility of a family, but she was wrong about so many other things. They may come from different worlds, and she may carry baggage, but the baggage he carried weighed a ton and weighed him down permanently. The confidence he exuded covered up a secret which at times made him feel so alone and so much like a failure. He wished he could tell Emma exactly how much his life was far from the idyllic one she thought he lived in. Heading back for the showground was the best way to forget everything, there he could party with his mates and drown his sorrows. Why then did he find himself heading on the road to home instead?

  Emma bent over and picked up another scallop-shaped seashell, its pearly exterior catching the light. ‘Look at this shell, Zoe, isn’t it pretty?’ Zoe reached out and took the shell into her small hands, examining it before dumping it into her PAW Patrol bucket, which was brimming with shells of all different shapes, sizes, and colours.

  ‘More.’ Zoe looked up at Emma. Emma and Zoe had spent the better part of the morning walking along Merewether Beach in Newcastle collecting shells and looking in the rockpools at starfish and sea snails.

  Emma zipped up her jacket against the cool breeze coming off the waves. She wondered if Zoe had ever seen the ocean, had ever picked up a shell or felt the grittiness of the sand between her toes before today. She doubted it. She had first met Zoe when she was only ten months old, and she couldn’t imagine Zoe’s parents ever taking her to the beach. Today, though, Zoe had built sandcastles, enjoyed an ice cream that melted all over her, making a sticky mess she revelled in. The smile she wore never faltered once from her face. Emma couldn’t wait for summer to see the exhilaration on Zoe’s face when she had her first swim in the water.

  She hoped Zoe didn’t throw a tantrum when it was time to leave, which would be soon. Emma had been to her first appointment with her Newcastle psychologist first thing that morning, and after a few hours of fun at the beach, exhaustion was starting to set in. The psychologist visits were a condition set when Zoe was placed into Emma’s care.

  Emma had immediately felt at ease with her psychologist, Skye, feeling a sense of relaxation as soon as she walked in and sat down on the plush, cream lounge. She looked a similar age to Emma and was dressed in a bohemian skirt which flowed around her ankles and a white singlet top with a beautiful mint-green scarf draped around her neck. Skye was nothing like Dr Mengre in Melbourne with her stiff spine and glasses perched on the end of her nose. Instead, Skye had a welcoming, friendly smile with a relaxed posture putting Emma at ease instantly.

  The office overlooked the beach, and Emma’s trepidation of coming and seeing Skye was quickly swept away. She had Zoe enraptured with some puppets at the beginning of the session, and then a box of toys occupied her as it was Emma’s turn to chat to Skye.

  ‘How are you doing?’ They both had moved from the couch to sit next to Zoe on the plush carpet as she played. It felt like two friends getting together for a morning chat.

  ‘I’m doing pretty good, I think.’ Emma looked over at Zoe as she turned the pages of her favourite story. ‘Where’s the green sheep?’

  ‘How are you really doing?’ Skye looked at her softly, not patronizing in any way.

  Emma shrugged. ‘I really think I’m doing okay… considering. Zoe and I are still getting to know each other. We have this tremendous bond, and I love her more than anything. She amazes me every day.’

  Skye smiled, crossed her legs at the ankles, and shuffled back so she leaned casually against the lounge with her hands interlocked in her lap. ‘Tell me what you and Zoe have been doing lately.’

  Emma filled Skye in on finding a job, how she had made friends, and about how she was going to go for her first horse ride tomorrow with Ben.

  ‘You’ve got yourself a great support group, Emma, which is really important.’ She picked up a file on the coffee table next to her and flipped through to a page. ‘I read your file and noted you had been having nightmares about the shooting. How are they going?’

  ‘I’m not going to lie. Closing my eyes at night is like starring in my own horror movie, and the shooting is the first thing that comes to mind when I wake up in the morning, but the nightmares are becoming less frequent.’

  ‘How often do you have them?

  ‘I wasn’t really having many at all, maybe once a week until Saturday. I had one Saturday night and one last night.’ Emma watched as Skye scribbled something down on her notepad.

  ‘Did anything happen Saturday that might have brought them on?’

  Emma recounted the phone call she’d received from Detective Morrison.

  ‘Well, that explains why. Our brains are very complex, and the stress brought on by knowing Zoe’s grandfather will be out of prison could definitely have brought the nightmares on. What do you fear the most, knowing he’ll be out of prison?’

  ‘I guess I worry he might come after me seeking revenge. There was talk about him mouthing off in prison about coming after me and getting Zoe, but it was unsubstantiated, and he wasn’t reprimanded for it.’ Emma sighed, ‘I worry, too, that if he gets his act together, he might file for custody of Zoe, and I’ll lose her.’

  ‘All of these things are valid worries. Unfortunately, you have no control over any of them. You knew that one day Zoe might be placed in her grandparents’ care, but in saying that, after reading their files, I think it’s a long way off and not something you need to worry about in the near future, but it may be something you may need to prepare yourself for.’

  Emma nodded, she knew this, but it didn’t seem to make the worry any less.

  ‘Do you have anything put in place for your and Zoe’s safety?’

  Emma looked down at Zoe, who was thankfully oblivious to what they were talking about as she pushed a car along the floor making engine sounds. ‘The house is safe, locks, etc. I’m in constant contact with a detective from homicide, and as part of Jason Knight’s parole, I believe he won’t be allowed to leave Victoria or come anywhere near Zoe or me.’

  ‘It seems to me you have everything in place to keep yourselves safe. What I’d like you to do is to download a meditation app onto your phone.’ She wrote the name on a business card and handed it to Emma. ‘Listen to this before you go to bed every night. It will help you relax and go to sleep. It’s also important to eat well, exercise, and spend time with friends. People who lift you up, not bring you down. You need support, so talk to people you trust.’

  ‘That’s really difficult when I don’t want people to know about my past in case Jason Knight finds out where we are.’

  ‘I get that, but it sounds to me like you have some great friends, and I think if they knew the severity of the situation, they would keep the information to themselves. I’d like to hope they would.’

  Emma bit down on her lip and shook her head. ‘I don’t know if it’s the cop in me, but I don’t trust people not to keep their
mouths closed.’

  ‘Maybe it’s time to start trusting people, Emma. Even talk to your sister if that helps. You have me, too. How about we keep fortnightly visits happening to touch base. Okay?’

  Emma nodded. ‘Thanks.’

  Emma moved onto her hands and knees and began to pack away the toys scattered over the carpet. Skye helped, and as they stood, she placed a reassuring hand on Emma’s arm. ‘You’re doing a fabulous job. You’re a great mum.’

  ‘Thanks. That’s nice to hear. I really think I’m giving Zoe everything she needs right now.’

  ‘You are, and you should be proud.’

  Emma took hold of Zoe’s hand and walked out of the office, feeling a little less like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders.

  Tuesday morning dawned with a thick layer of fog. The heavy mist was beginning to lift as Emma drove out to Ben’s family farm along Holbrook Creek Road. She pulled her car to the side of the road and pointed out two kangaroos to Zoe that were grazing on a rich blanket of green grass in a paddock. The scenic landscape had Emma simply sitting and taking in nature’s beauty. The mist was floating slightly above the grass with the sun straining to break through the heavier fog closest to the sky. She could see small dewdrops on the barbed wire of the fence she’d parked next to. A cobweb on the fence glistened with tiny droplets of water. Composure and peacefulness filled her. The natural beauty of this landscape was something she now treasured about living in the country.

  Zoe’s cry of boredom from the back seat broke the quiet, and Emma checked her mirrors before pulling back out onto the road. Her stomach had been a knot of nerves all morning at the prospect of seeing Ben today. She had no clue as to what his reaction was going to be when she arrived. She’d actually thought about cancelling but had changed her mind. They were both adults and had to live in a small town, so they were bound to run into each other. The best course of action would be to clear the air and apologise.

  As the car crawled along the gravel driveway, she spotted Ben, crouched down working on a fence. He lifted his head and waved as Emma pulled to a stop beside him. He wore a beanie. The sleeves of his flannelette shirt were rolled down today, disappointing Emma at the lack of skin on display. Standing up, he walked over to her car. She rolled down her window, he leaned in through it, grinning back at Zoe. ‘Hey, possum.’ Zoe rewarded him with a grin to melt all hearts, and it was then he turned his attention to Emma. ‘Hey.’

  ‘Hey.’ Her voice faltered. She loved he always, without fail, acknowledged Zoe first.

  ‘I’ll pack up my gear and meet you at Mum and Dad’s place.’ He signalled with a nod of his head to a house on a slight rise at the end of the driveway. ‘Follow the driveway to the end.’

  ‘Okay. See you in a bit.’ She put the car into gear and headed towards the weatherboard home. There was definitely tension hanging heavily in the air, which she hoped they could overcome. She liked Ben and would hate to see their friendship end.

  As she unbuckled Zoe, she was welcomed by Ben’s mum, Jackie. With introductions out of the way, Jackie invited Zoe and Emma into the house for morning tea. ‘Have a seat in the lounge room love, I’ll be back in a tick with some tea.’

  Zoe was playing with some toys she found in a woven basket near the lounge when Jackie returned with a cup of tea, a Boston tea cake, and some milk arrowroot biscuits for Zoe. ‘Well, love, you’re the talk of the town.’

  ‘I am?’ Emma placed her cup in her saucer and tried to swallow the tea which seemed stuck in her throat.

  ‘Of course, you are. You’re a mystery, and a small town like Holbrook loves nothing more than a little bit of secrecy to get the tongues wagging.’

  Emma sighed. ‘I suppose it seems strange I up and moved from Melbourne with a baby and no partner.’

  ‘Oh, everyone has their theories. Don’t take any notice of the gossip, though, love. Someone else will breeze into town soon enough and steal your thunder. Then, you’ll be yesterday’s news.’

  It was in that moment that Ben walked through the door, his hair an unruly, sexy mess after having removed the beanie from his head which was scrunched in a ball in his hand. ‘Kettle’s hot, love. Help yourself to a coffee.’

  ‘Thanks, Mum.’

  Emma watched as Ben strode down the hall, and when she turned back, she found Jackie watching her curiously. Emma smiled back at her awkwardly as silence filled the air. Emma prayed Ben would return quickly, and he did, thankfully.

  He sat next to her, and she felt herself lean towards him as his weight sunk into the soft lounge. He leaned across her to the coffee table and grabbed himself a piece of cake. She smelt the fruity spice of his deodorant and felt heat radiate through her body. Damn, why was she so attracted to him?

  Jackie’s voice cut through her thoughts. ‘Emma, you would have seen Ben’s house on your way here. It’s the grey weatherboard house, after you come across the bridge crossing Holbrook Creek.’

  Emma had seen and admired it. It was huge with a sweeping verandah around the entire house. It sat perched high on a sloping lawn. ‘It’s a beautiful house.’

  Ben moved to sit next to Zoe and broke off a piece of his cake to give her. She had already gulped down two biscuits. ‘Yeah, my brother, Will, built it. We used the plans of the original house that was once there. The property belonged to my sister-in-law, Lottie. I bought it off her. It’s a shell at the moment. The interior isn’t finished.’

  ‘Oh, I met her the other night at the rodeo. She’s lovely. What happened to the house originally there?’

  ‘It was demolished with a freak storm a couple of years ago.’

  ‘The storm caused widespread damage. We were flooded in for a week,’ Jackie said.

  ‘Aren’t you frightened it will happen again?’ Emma asked.

  Ben gave Zoe another mouthful of his cake. ‘Nah, I don’t think we’ll see a storm like that again in our lifetime. At least, I hope we don’t. We put in a drainage system and built the house further away from the creek on the highest spot of land on the property. So, it should be sweet.’

  Ben put his empty coffee cup on the coffee table and slapped his knees. ‘So, you ready to jump on the back of a horse.’

  Emma laughed nervously and scrunched her nose up. ‘Ready as I’ll ever be, I guess.’

  ‘Alrighty then. Let’s go.’ Ben took Zoe by the hand, strolling slowly out the door. Emma followed.

  Jackie yelled out after them. ‘I’ll clean up the dishes and be down to watch Zoe for you.’

  Emma smiled over her shoulder. ‘Thanks.’

  Then they were alone, the three of them walking towards a paddock where a horse was standing majestically in the autumn sun, its chestnut coat shimmering. ‘Ben, before you’re mum gets here, I need to apologise for the other night.’

  ‘Oh. Don’t worry about it. I’m over it if you are?’

  ‘No. What I said was insulting. I had no right to say what I did. I don’t know what your life is like, and to make a judgement based on no facts was totally wrong of me. I’m really sorry.’

  Ben looked over to her and smiled. ‘Apology accepted.’

  Emma nearly sunk to the ground with relief. ‘Thanks. I wasn’t sure if I’d be welcome today after being so rude to you.’

  ‘I don’t hold grudges, Em.’

  ‘That’s good to know. I realise you have plenty of responsibilities. It was thoughtless of me to think otherwise.’ They arrived at the paddock, and Tilly, the horse, immediately trotted over to greet them, snorting.

  Emma felt a lot calmer about patting Tilly than she had the other night at the rodeo when patting the other horse. She picked Zoe up, and she too patted the horse. She went to grab a handful of the horse’s mane, but Emma quickly grabbed hold of her hand and showed her the gentle technique Ben had used the night of the rodeo, saving Tilly from being hurt. Tilly lapped up all the attention.

  Ben hoisted himself up and over the top rail of the fence and was saddling up the horse when Jackie
arrived. She outstretched her arms to Zoe. ‘My turn for cuddles, little one. Mummy has a horse to ride.’

  Emma’s stomach was aflutter with butterflies now. Standing next to the horse, it now seemed awfully large to her. Thank goodness her mum wasn’t here right now, she’d be having a coronary. She knew exactly what her mum would say. ‘Emma, this is extremely dangerous and reckless. What will happen if you fall off and, God forbid, reinjure your shoulder?’

  Ben was in front of her. ‘Not chickening out, I hope?’

  ‘Nope.’ She climbed up and over the fence and jumped down onto the dirt on the other side. Ben took her hand in his, which was warm in comparison to her clammy hands. Nerves were getting the better of her. ‘Okay, Tilly. This is Emma. It’s her first time, so no naughty behaviour.’ The horse snorted in response like she knew exactly what Ben was saying to her. ‘Now, it’s time to get to know one another. Put your arm out, and offer her the back of your hand so she can smell it.’ Emma followed Ben’s instructions, and Tilly approached her hand and sniffed it, tickling the surface and bringing a smile to her lips.

  ‘Pat her if you like. It’s good for rider and horse to get to know each other. Builds up trust.’ Ben took Emma’s hand in his and guided it to the side of the horse.

  Emma glided her hand across Tilly’s side, feeling her smooth coat. Ben handed her a white helmet. She grimaced as she took hold of it. ‘Do I have to? We’re just riding around here, aren’t we?’

  Ben took the helmet out of her hands and placed it on her head, doing up the buckle underneath her chin carefully not pinching any of her skin. ‘They’re not much of a fashion accessory, I know, but they’re necessary.’ He touched the scar above his lip. ‘Falling off a horse is how I got this. It could have been a lot worse if I hadn’t been wearing a helmet.’

  ‘I’ll have to start calling you Mr Safety.’ She heard the deep rumble of his laugh and smiled.

  ‘Okay, first thing you’re going to do is to stand on the mounting box. Emma stood on the wooden crate and now stood higher than Ben. She looked at him expectantly with what to do next.