All of You

by Jasmine Stevens

  The next few weeks flew for Ben. Installing the irrigation system, manning the dairy, and helping Will fix the gyprock to his house took up most of his time. The highlight of his week, however, was when true to her word, every Tuesday, Emma drove out to the farm for riding lessons. She was a natural. He loved that about her. She took to riding as if she’d been doing it her entire life, and Tilly had grown to love her. She brought an apple every visit, and as soon as Tilly heard her car rumbling along the driveway, she’d head straight over to the fence and wait for Emma and Zoe.

  Zoe shrieked with pleasure every single time Tilly took the apple out of Emma’s hand. Ben was growing fond of Zoe too. She amazed him how she’d totter amongst all the chickens and come out of the coop holding an egg proudly in her hand. There had been a couple of disasters with the egg collecting at first with some squashed eggs in her overzealous hands, but she certainly had the knack of it now, carefully holding the eggs as if they were made of glass.

  It was becoming increasingly harder for Ben not to stare at Emma with open admiration. She was a wonderful mum who was doing it all on her own. He could only imagine how hard it was for her to come home from a hard day at work and care for Zoe all by herself. He admired her strength and resilience. She was becoming sexier and sexier to Ben every time he saw her. He wanted her more than anything, but he knew he had to respect her wishes. Yes, there was Zoe to think about, and he wasn’t looking to start a relationship, but he didn’t want to hurt her, either. She deserved better than that. God knows that moron of an ex of hers couldn’t commit to a baby and Emma, the last thing she needed was him treating her the same.

  As hard as it had been, he’d also respected her wishes in regards to backing off trying to protect her. That didn’t stop him from worrying about them, though. Sometimes, his gut would twist in a knot knowing Emma and Zoe were on their own and the possibilities of what could happen to them. Different scenarios of what could happen played out in his head time and time again, taunting him, and he’d ring Emma simply to check in and put his mind at ease. He felt useless not being able to help her, so he found opportunities to pop into Emma’s place and see both her and Zoe. He helped Emma plant carrots, potatoes, broccoli, and strawberries in her veggie garden. He loved that Zoe had helped him place mulch on the garden with her little PAW Patrol bucket and spade. She wore petite, pink sparkly gumboots and a dusty pink beanie on her head and having her working alongside him talking in her own little language made him love her even more.

  He heard a car door slam and looked up from the cattle trough he was filling with feed. His dad, Tom, looked up, shielding his eyes from the morning sun. ‘Looks like your visitors are here. Go on then. I can finish this.’

  ‘Thanks, Dad.’ Ben took off at a jog. His heart raced as he drew nearer to Emma. She was dressed in dark denim jeans and a soft, green woollen knit. A rusty-orange coloured scarf hung around her neck, complementing the outfit. She looked gorgeous. He noticed the absence of Zoe as he came to a stop breathlessly before her. ‘Where’s my little girl?’

  Emma scrunched up her nose. ‘She’s having a play date with Reg and Daphne. Reg rang earlier to ask if they could have Zoe for a couple of hours. Daphne was feeling a bit down, and he thought Zoe might help to cheer her up.’

  ‘Oh, the poor bugger. It must be hard for her being stuck in a wheelchair.’ They walked along towards the fenced area where Tilly was.

  ‘Yeah, it’s really hard on the both of them. I had them over for tea last week, and Daphne’s eyes came alive when she saw Zoe. She loves her so much.’

  ‘It’s nice of you to give them some time with Zoe. Do they have any children or grandchildren of their own?’

  Emma looked uncomfortable and turned away when she said, ‘No, they don’t.’

  ‘That’s a shame.’ Ben sensed she wasn’t telling him the full story, but he’d be patient and wait for her to tell him in her own time. He clapped his hands together. ‘Well, this will give us the perfect opportunity to go for a ride. I can show you around the property.’

  ‘That sounds great.’ Her easy smile mirrored his own.

  They went about saddling the horses. Ben couldn’t help stealing glances over to Emma as she prepared Tilly for the ride. His fingers faltered as he tightened the buckle of the saddle underneath his mare, Monte, as he checked out Emma’s profile. Her hair fell free over her shoulders, its auburn waves rippling in the slight breeze, brought out the striking green of her eyes. He caught her gaze, their eyes locking together. She didn’t avert her eyes like he’d expected. Instead, she held it for seconds which became moments. Finally, Ben looked away and swallowed the lump in his throat. He wanted to reach out and simply touch her, wanting to feel the softness of her skin against the roughness of his. He knew he only had to walk a few short steps, and he’d be able to feel the delicateness of her skin, but he couldn’t, or more to the point, shouldn’t. She meant too much to him to hurt her and break their promise to remain friends.

  He mounted Monte and looked over to see Emma climbing onto Tilly. They fell into step beside one another, the gentle sway of their bodies matching each other’s side by side. Jackie came out of the house as they rode past the weatherboard homestead. ‘Hi, Emma.’ The pair came to a stop in front of her. ‘No Zoe today?’

  ‘No. Ben’s going to take the opportunity to show me around your property.’

  ‘Great minds think alike. I was coming to suggest you two go on a ride. I packed you some lunch.’ She handed a satchel up to Ben and winked.

  Ben knew exactly what his mother was up to. She had hinted several times during the past couple weeks how nice Emma was and maybe Ben should ask her out sometime. He had quickly dismissed any romantic notions his mum had, telling her for the hundredth time he wasn’t interested in settling down. She tutted and mumbled under breath, but Ben knew what she’d be saying, ‘You can’t stay single forever.’

  Ben shook his head and flicked a strained smile at his mum. ‘Thanks, Mum.’

  ‘Thanks, Jackie,’ Emma agreed.

  ‘You two have a great time. It’s a beautiful day for a ride.’

  It was. There was barely a cloud in the sky. There was only a slight, cool breeze in the air, and he was riding alongside a woman who set his heart on fire. They took off at a gentle pace. Ben pointed out the dairy, the machinery shed, and where Bacon, his pig, was rolling in the mud. She stopped cavorting in the mud as they rode past, her nose lifted in the air, sniffing. Ben swivelled in the saddle to face Emma. ‘What do you say we see how you do galloping?’

  ‘I say hell, yeah. Let’s do it.’ Her smile was as wide as the width of her face. She simply beamed.

  ‘Okay, then. Firstly, we need to ease the horses into it. So, we’ll canter first and then move into galloping.’ Ben knew Emma was ready for this next move as she’d handled cantering well for the past two weeks. They cantered through the first paddock of green pasture, easing around a dam before pulling up to a stop under a tree. Ben said, ‘Okay. We’re going to head up that hill.’ He pointed up the slight incline to the top of a hill. ‘There’s a 360-degree view of the valley and Holbrook from up there. You’ll love it.’

  ‘I’m ready when you are.’ Emma bit down on her lip.

  Ben thought she looked a bit nervous. He had faith in her, though. ‘You’ll be fine. You know how to stop if you get scared, and I’ll be right next to you.’

  Emma nodded. ‘Alright. I can do this.’

  ‘Okay, lean forward and slightly come out of your saddle.’ Ben watched as Emma did exactly as he requested. ‘Now squeeze Tilly with your calf muscles just slightly, not too hard, and she’ll move into a gallop.’

  Ben watched as Emma did just that, and she was off. He easily caught up to her. Her hair swept back underneath the helmet, and Ben grinned from ear to ear as he watched the pure delight on her face as she rode. They reached the tree on the top of the hill and came to a stop. The horses’ nostrils flared from the run, and Ben noted Emma was breathless. Sh
e turned to him. ‘Wow. All I can say is wow. I’ve never felt anything so exhilarating in all my life.’

  Ben smiled. ‘It’s great, isn’t it?’

  Emma threw her head back and laughed. ‘My God, that was better than sex.’

  Ben laughed. ‘You’ve been having sex with the wrong guys then.’ His smile was lighthearted, but he was dead serious. Horse riding was exhilarating and certainly was an adrenaline rush, but it didn’t beat sex. He wished he could show her how great sex could be with the right man. It was thrilling and spine-tingling.

  All of a sudden, she somberly looked at him as if she could read his thoughts. ‘Maybe I have been sleeping with the wrong men.’

  There was awkward silence as Emma’s words sunk in. Then she pointed to a tree with a wooden swing hanging from it. ‘That’s some swing. What a great place to sit and relax.’ She edged Tilly closer to the tree which overlooked the valley below.

  Ben swung down off Monte and pulled the horse over to the tree and tethered him there. ‘Come on. Hop down and have a swing. You can’t come up here and not admire the view from this vantage point.’

  ‘Okay.’ Emma hopped down off Tilly and handed Ben the reins so he could tether the horse. She sat on the swing, bouncing on it slightly as if testing it out to make sure it would hold her weight.

  ‘It’s perfectly safe. Dad put the swing up here years ago, but I still come here all the time and sit with a beer and watch the sunset. I’ll have to bring you up here sometime at sunset. The view is something else.’

  Emma slowly swung back and forth on the swing sedately. ‘I’ll take you up on that. It sounds like it would be beautiful.’ She smiled at him.

  ‘You need to get higher to really appreciate the view.’ He slipped behind her and pushed her back with force so she was soaring high through the air on the swing.

  She squealed, ‘Wow, the view is even better now.’ She swung back down to Ben, and he again pushed her back up, enjoying another squeal from her as he did. ‘My stomach is flipping.’

  Ben wanted to tell her his stomach did a somersault every time he was near her, but he kept the thought to himself. He moved over to sit on the grass, pulling one knee up and resting an arm there. His other leg lazily splayed out in front of him as he watched the absolute pleasure on Emma’s face as she swung back and forth.

  As she slowed, she asked, ‘You want a turn?’

  He shook his head. ‘I’m happy watching.’

  Emma put her feet back down on the ground to stop the swing and shuffled over on the wooden seat, patting the empty space beside her. ‘Come on, there’s enough room for both of us.’

  Ben lifted himself off the ground. ‘Alright, you’ve twisted my arm.’ He tried to sit beside her, both of them laughing as he tried to squish in next to her.

  Emma stood up. ‘You have a turn. It’s not big enough for both of us.’

  ‘That’s where you’re wrong.’ She let out a tiny scream as he wrapped his hands around her waist and dragged her down to sit on his lap. ‘See, it’s big enough for the two of us.’

  She swivelled her head back, looking at him with amusement. ‘Only just.’ She turned back around and leaned slightly back into him, holding onto the rope. They swayed gently back and forth. Ben could smell the fruity notes of her hair and feel the muscles of her abdomen tight under his hand. She dropped one hand from the rope, and it went over the top of his, intertwining with his fingers. They were warm to touch, and the heat from her surged through his body. He had never desired a woman like this before.

  Her head rested back on his shoulder. ‘It’s so pretty up here. You’re so lucky to call this your backyard.’

  ‘It is, and yes, I’m lucky.’ He never took his eyes off the top of her head as he replied. He cleared his throat and pointed down to a creek that meandered through a canopy of green foliage. ‘That’s Holbrook Creek. I thought we could head down there. The horses can have a drink, and we can have some lunch.’

  ‘Sounds like a plan.’

  He pointed to a house further down near the creek. ‘That’s my place. We might head over there after lunch if you’d like.’

  ‘I’d love to,’ her voice sounded dreamy.

  ‘You’re not falling asleep on me, are you?’ He looked down at her.

  ‘No, but if I stay here too much longer, I will.’ She hopped off his lap and moved over to untether Tilly. He wanted nothing more than to grab her back around her waist and drag her back onto his lap, but he knew better than to do that. He had to act with more restraint, or he’d end up kissing her before the day was out.

  Cantering down the hill gave Emma time to take stock on all the different emotions rocking her world. Sitting on Ben’s lap had felt like the most natural place to be, but her heart had been beating out of her chest, and she had to concentrate hard on her breathing to keep it steady. Ben was affecting her like no other man had ever done. She could have sat on that swing with her head resting against his shoulder all afternoon. She needed to get a hold of her feelings for Ben before her heart got broken.

  Her eyes remained on the track ahead as she spoke. ‘Your mum takes good care of you.’

  ‘Yeah, I’m lucky. I don’t think it matters how old you become, your mum’s always going to be your mum. Don’t get me wrong, though, I can’t wait to move into my own place when it’s finished. Sometimes, I get sick of the nagging and worrying over me.’

  ‘Yeah. I guess they never stop worrying about you, do they?’

  ‘Nope. Sounds like you’re speaking from experience.’ She could feel his eyes on her as he spoke.

  ‘I guess my mum can be overbearing at times.’ Emma grimaced then giggled nervously. ‘Actually, that’s probably an understatement.’

  ‘In what way?’ She could hear the curiosity in Ben’s voice.

  ‘Overprotective, for one.’

  ‘How did your mum take the split with you and the dickhead?’

  Emma scowled. ‘Don’t call him that. He can’t help the way he feels, and there were two people in that relationship. I need to accept some of the blame for how things ended between us.’

  Ben guffawed. ‘I don’t think so. He left you alone with a baby. If he felt responsible enough to have sex, then he needed to be responsible for the outcome of that. I don’t know how he could abandon you and Zoe like that. I’m sorry, but he’s a dickhead. Some blokes would love to have what he gave up.’

  Emma couldn’t see Ben’s eyes, but there was fire behind his words. The conversation had hit a raw nerve with him, but she didn’t understand why. Why did Ryan make him so angry? He’d never even met him. She felt compelled to come to Ryan’s defence. ‘I think you’ve got the wrong idea about Ryan. I wish I could make you understand he truly isn’t a bad guy.’

  ‘Make me change my mind, then. Tell me what was so great about a guy who has no contact with his daughter whatsoever and a man who lets a beautiful and caring woman like you walk out of his life.’

  ‘I can’t.’

  Ben huffed, shaking his head. ‘Here we go again. We know each other well enough now to confide in each other.’

  Worked up, Emma couldn’t stop the nervous tic of her jaw. She could feel Ben’s eyes on her waiting for an answer. ‘Okay, then. Why can’t you commit to a relationship? Tell me , and I’ll tell you about Ryan.’ She turned her head and pierced him with challenging eyes.

  ‘I don’t know why I can’t commit. It’s something I don’t want to do.’ Ben’s eyes looked off across the paddock.

  ‘What if the woman you were sleeping with fell pregnant? Would you marry her?’

  He turned to her then. ‘That wouldn’t happen. I’m always careful.’

  ‘Accidents happen,’ Emma challenged.

  ‘Not with me, they don’t.’ Ben looked away.

  ‘Okay well, let’s just say for interest’s sake this hypothetical woman you were sleeping with fell pregnant despite you both being careful. What would you do?’

  ‘I’d marry her if I lo
ved her, and if not, I would definitely be in that baby’s life. There’s no way I’d abandon my child and the mother. No way in hell.’

  She could see he was barely keeping control of his anger, chewing on the inside of his cheek, and his eyes were blazing with fury. She still wasn’t any closer to understanding why.

  ‘I admire that about you, Ben. It says a lot about you, standing by the mother of your child even if love wasn’t a factor. That’s something you should be proud of.’

  ‘Thanks.’ He traced the scar under his nose. An action she noticed he always did when he was nervous. She wasn’t sure how he’d react to her next question.

  ‘What if the baby wasn’t yours? How would you feel about it, then? Would you still marry her?’

  ‘What? I don’t know what you mean?’ He stared at Emma. ‘Did you have an affair? Is Ryan not Zoe’s Dad?’ She watched as confusion swept across his face.

  Emma took a deep breath. ‘No, Ryan isn’t Zoe’s father.’

  Ben looked incredulous like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. She supposed all this time, he had detested Ryan for not having anything to do with his daughter, and now she had revealed Ryan wasn’t even Zoe’s father, he probably felt sorry for Ryan. He had jumped to conclusions and made totally off-base assumptions. It would be a lot for anyone to take in.

  ‘I can see you’re shocked, but there’s more. No, I didn’t cheat on Ryan. I know that’s what you’re thinking because you’re looking at me right now with disgust. I’m not Zoe’s biological mother.’

  Ben pulled on the reins and came to a stop. Emma did the same. ‘What?’

  ‘Zoe is my foster child. Both her parents died eight months ago.’

  Ben ran a hand down his face. ‘Poor Zoe. That’s what you meant that night at the rodeo when you said that Zoe had a much better life now.’

  Emma nodded. ‘Yep.’

  ‘Why did you decide to foster. Can’t you have kids of your own?’

  ‘So many questions. Yes, I can have kids, at least I think I can. Zoe needed someone, and I stepped into that role. Ryan wasn’t ready for children. I was. It’s as simple as that, really.’