‘So, your answer to all this is to give me an ultimatum… commit or end the friendship. Nice.’ Ben placed a finger over her lips as she went to speak. ‘Stop there. We both agreed to casual, that means no exclusivity.’ She went to speak, and he stopped her again. ‘No, let me finish. Bridget, the woman I was talking to, is my sister’s best friend. I have known her all my life. We grew up together, and there isn’t an ounce of attraction between the two of us. We’re like brother and sister. There’s nothing for you to be jealous of.’
‘That’s not what I saw.’ Emma took a step backward, being in such close proximity to him was making her heart race and her mouth go dry. She needed distance.
He stepped back into her personal space, coming within an inch of her. He looked at her lips as he spoke. ‘You saw wrong.’
Placing her hands on his chest, she could feel his heart racing to the same beat as hers. ‘I didn’t see wrong.’
‘You did.’ He swallowed her protest as he lowered his lips to hers, and she let him kiss her because she couldn’t resist his touch. The feel of his lips against hers was a craving as strong as any addiction. Kissing him was like seeing her favourite cake on the bakery shelf and not being able to resist buying it, tasting it, savouring every little crumb in her mouth even though she had sworn off it because it gave her a belly-ache. Kissing Ben, tasting him, and savouring every brush of his lips and every flick of his tongue made her heart ache, and it was equally as bad for her as eating a slice of cake, but she didn’t have the willpower to say no. He was skimming those soft lips of his to the side of her mouth, and when he spoke, feeling his breath on her skin nearly made her buckle at the knees. ‘Did I go home with her?’
‘What?’ She came out of the daze of the kiss, confused.
‘Did I go home with Bridget?’
‘No,’ she said breathlessly. ‘But…’
He shook his head. ‘Stop talking, Em, and listen.’ His lips skimmed across her cheek, tickling the skin there as he spoke. ‘Did I go home with Bridget?’
‘No.’ She tilted her head so he had access to the sensitive spot behind her ear as his lips made a decadent journey of pleasure across her flesh. She quivered in appreciation. His lips were making her feel like the most desired woman on earth. How could he do that?
‘Where am I right now?’ His lips headed south to her neck, and she shivered involuntarily with longing.
‘Here.’ She barely registered her response. It was breathy, soft, and she heard the yearning and wanted to wilt against him with her need for him.
‘With who?’ His lips headed south to her shoulder, leaving waves upon waves of sensation crashing through her body. She moaned deep within her throat, and he brought his lips up to capture her desire in a demanding kiss, which was hot and possessive. He broke the kiss and looked into her eyes demanding, ‘With who?’
She rested her head against his forehead as she said the words she didn’t know what to make of. ‘Me.’
‘Damn straight. I came to you.’ He was kissing her again, sending electrifying tingles of sensuality throughout her body as his lips travelled a journey of pleasure over her lips, face, neck, and shoulder. ‘How does it feel when I kiss you here?’ He moved her dress off her shoulder, placing gentle kisses along her collarbone, across her scars.
‘Weak. I don’t want you to stop, but you should stop.’ On hearing her words, he lifted his head askance. She knew he’d stop if she wanted him to, but did she really want this feeling to end? The answer was no. Hell, no. She wanted all of him, damn the consequences. She guided his head back down to her shoulder. ‘Please, don’t stop.’ She lifted her hands and glided her hand through the dark hair on his head before floating down to feel the stubble on his face. She loved the contrast of soft to rough. She dragged his head from the base of her throat up to her face, kissing him on his lips—a kiss that was as thrilling as it was sweet—soft and arousing.
She was surprised, though, when he pulled back and took her head in his hands. ‘Tell me how you feel? Tell me the truth.’
She swallowed hard. She was about to put her heart on the line, and she was unsure as to how much she should admit. ‘I don’t want to share you with anyone else. I want everyone to know we’re together. I want to walk hand in hand with you. I want more than a steamy kiss here and there.’ He looked dejected as she spoke, and she took a step out of his reach. ‘What happens when we sleep together? Is that it, then? You sleep with me a few times, and then when you’ve had enough, you throw me to the side for the next girl who walks by. I can’t take a gamble on my heart, Ben. I can’t help the way I feel, and probably when I tell you this, you will run, and it will break my heart, but better now than later when I have fallen completely in love with you.’ She looked away, not wanting to see his reaction as she spoke, ‘I’m falling for you, and I want it all. I want everything. I want all of you, including your heart.’ She sighed, and a weight felt like it had been lifted off her shoulders. She had told him, and as she lifted her head to look at his reaction, her heart shattered.
He ran two hands over his face and looked down at his boots, not meeting her eyes. ‘You know I can’t give you what you want.’ He looked up at her with sad eyes. ‘You’re gorgeous on the inside and the outside, and you deserve only the best, so much better than me. You make me want to share my life with someone. With you. I’ve never felt this with any other woman before, but you can’t ask me to give you everything because I can’t give you all of me.’
‘Why? What’s so terrible about giving your heart to a woman?’ This time she took a step toward him, and he stepped backward.
‘Don’t push me, Em.’
She stepped toward him again. ‘Why not? Why are you scared of falling in love?’
‘I don’t want to fall in love because, in the end, you will only break my heart.’ He looked up at the ceiling, not meeting her eyes as he spoke.
‘I’ll break your heart? You’ve already broken mine.’ Her voice faltered as she spoke, but she didn’t regret it. He was hurting her, and she wanted him to know it. She turned her back to him, crossing her arms. ‘Maybe you should go.’
She felt the warmth of his hand on her shoulder. ‘Em, please.’ She shrugged it off.
‘Please go.’ She wiped the tears running down her cheeks with the back of her hand. As he came around to stand in front of her, she ducked out of his reach. Walking towards the bedroom, she said, ‘Let yourself out.’
When his voice carried across the room to her, she stopped mid-stride.
‘I can’t have kids.’ His voice shook as he spoke.
Emma whirled around with shock. ‘What?’
Ben was fidgeting with his hands, and she went to him. He looked crestfallen and embarrassed all in one. She took his hands in hers. So, this was his reason for not committing to a relationship. Everything suddenly fell into place. He couldn’t give all of himself because he couldn’t father children. Did he think himself as incomplete, not worthy of love, not good enough? She knew the answer was yes to every single question, and her heart broke in two for him.
He lifted his gaze from the floor and met her eyes. ‘Don’t look at me with pity. It’s the last thing I need.’
‘Do you want to talk about it?’ She squeezed his hand once, and he squeezed her hand back in return.
‘Basically, I have an extremely low sperm count, almost non-existent. I had undescended testes when I was born. The doctors think by the time they operated, it was too late. I had already started to lose the cells which make sperm.’ He let go of one of her hands, massaging the back of his neck and looked down at his feet.
Emma lifted his chin with a tender finger, so she could look into his eyes. ‘How did you find out?’
‘We got a new GP when I was twenty. I went in for a case of the flu and came out with a referral to get my sperm checked. Soon as the doctor saw my medical history, he thought it would be a good idea to get tested. The rest is history. You’re the first person I’ve told.�
��
Her heart broke for him. The fact he couldn’t father children was heartbreaking enough, but the fact he had gone through this all on his own and for so long was gut-wrenching. How could he have kept this secret for so long? She was shattered for him and didn’t know what to say. What words of comfort could she possibly offer him? She saw the way he was with not only Zoe but with Caleb, and the knowledge he’d never have a child of his own destroyed her.
He was staring at his feet again. ‘I should go.’
She took hold of his hand, and this time gave it a long squeeze. ‘Don’t go. I don’t know what to say to you. I’m at a loss. I’m so sorry.’
He shrugged. ‘What can you say, but at least you know why a relationship between the two of us wouldn’t work. It’s not that I don’t want to commit, I want nothing more than to wake up next to you every day. To call you my girl would make me the happiest man in the world, but I can’t go into a relationship with you knowing I couldn’t give you a child. It wouldn’t be fair.’
She still held his hand, it was clammy, she assumed with nerves. ‘Have you seen anyone for help? There are breakthroughs in the medical profession all the time. Maybe you can have children, you just need to see the right doctor.’
‘I was told there’s a very slim chance of me ever fathering children even through IVF. In a sample of semen, there should have been around fifteen million sperm. I had ten. That’s not good odds.’ He pulled his keys out of his pocket. ‘I’ve gotta go.’
As he turned to walk away, Emma stopped him with her words. ‘You haven’t asked me what I want?’
He turned back around and pinned her with a sharpened gaze. ‘Don’t do this to me.’
‘Why are you scared of what I might say?’ She moved and obstructed his exit from the front door. ‘Are you frightened I might say I’d be happy not to have children? Do you know how many children are out there like Zoe who need loving homes to grow up in? There are more children than there are caregivers, and that’s the truth. I’d be more than happy down the track if things did work out between us to foster more children. We could provide them with a loving home, and that’s enough for me. I love Zoe as if she were my own flesh and blood, and I’d do it all over again.’
Ben shook his head, a look of disgust on his face. ‘Don’t bullshit me. It would never be enough, and eventually, there would come a time when you saw a pregnant woman walking down the street and you’d think, I wish that were me. One day you would resent the fact I couldn’t give you a child. You would end up hating me. Sometimes love isn’t enough.’
Emma’s nostrils flared. ‘How dare you. You don’t have a clue how I feel or would feel for that matter. I’m the only mum Zoe will ever know, and I’m damn proud of the life I’m giving her. It’s a hell of a lot more than the life she’d have had, and if I can give a chance of a better life to more children, then I’ll be more than happy to sacrifice carrying a child to give a neglected child a chance at living a full and happy childhood.’ She stepped aside, opening the door for him. ‘If you can’t see that love is enough, then maybe you should leave.’
Ben stepped out of the doorway, and as he strode down the stairs, she spoke with a shaky voice full of emotion to his retreating back. ‘I was wrong earlier. I’m not falling in love you, I am already in love with you.’ His footing faltered on the last step, but he didn’t turn around. ‘I love you, and I want to be with you. We might work out, we might not. That’s a risk you take in any relationship, but I know one thing for certain, you’re my best friend, and when I’m with you, I can’t imagine being anywhere else. You, exactly as you are, is all I need. You’re enough for me because I love all of you, everything about you. Love is enough for me.’
Tears threatened to spill out of her eyes as she watched him put his helmet on, hop on his bike, and speed out of her street without even so much as a backward glance.
He got as far as two streets away before pulling over. His vision was blurred with tears, and he slammed a fist into the handlebars. Dammit. He felt torn. He was hurting like hell, but he felt worse knowing he had hurt Emma. He loved her, loved Zoe, and if truth be known, his world had become bigger, fuller, and had more meaning now those two girls were in his life. Was Emma right? Should he see where their relationship led? He could picture himself, Zoe, and Emma as a family. He loved Zoe, and he could love another foster child as his own. He only had to look at the bond Emma and Zoe had to realise it could work. He swore and took off, turning his bike around, and headed back in the direction he had come. It was time to take a chance. He pulled up in her drive and removed his helmet as he took the stairs two at a time to her front door. She opened the door as he was about to bring his knuckles up to rap on it. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying, and it tore his heart in two, knowing he was the cause of it. ‘I’m all yours if you’ll have me.’
Nodding with tears streaming down her face, she dragged him in through the door by his hand. His lips were on hers the instant he was inside, using his boot to close the door, his lips never breaking contact with hers. The kiss was all-encompassing, pure heat that sent flames of blazing passion in a torrent of intensity throughout his body. His need for her was making his head spin. He couldn’t get close enough to her. Lifting her in one smooth move, he had her up against the wall with her legs wrapped around his waist in a heartbeat. He could feel the heat radiating from her. She wanted him as badly as he wanted her. It felt like he had been waiting all his life for this one magic moment.
He explored her mouth, lips, neck, and shoulder with unadulterated abandonment. Her hands wrapped around his waist began a journey of their own, moving up to the lapels of his jacket. She pushed the leather off his shoulders, letting it fall in a crumple to the floor. Then her hands were on his flesh, stroking the muscles of his abdomen, caressing their way up to his chest. His breath hitched when her hand moved down to the waist of his chinos, and she popped open the top button. With a feather-light touch of one finger, she circled the ‘V’ of his pelvis. His groan was swallowed up by their kiss, and when she tugged on his shirt to lift it, he let her slide down the length of him so he could lift his arms above his head. The shirt was added to the jacket at his feet. Her hands were everywhere on him, and her touch was too much for him to bear.
‘You have far too many clothes on,’ he rasped against her throat. Skimming his hands down her body to the hem of her dress, he lifted it up and over her head, exposing creamy skin. He let out a shaky breath as he saw the lacy red bra obstructing his view of her perky breasts. He lifted her again. Stepping over the clothes accumulating on the floor, he moved over to the breakfast bar and perched her on top of the bench, dragging her legs between his own. His hands were on her breasts, followed by his lips as he drew the cup down so he could kiss the skin underneath. Ben lifted his head long enough to see Emma’s head fall back in ecstasy when he took one nipple in his mouth, circling it with his tongue.
As he moved on to discover the delights of her other breast, Emma reached behind her back and unclasped her bra, removed it, tossing it aside. She took his head between her hands and drew him back up to her mouth. He smiled against her lips, not believing he finally was able to touch her and see her beautiful body in all its exquisiteness.
Her hands were tugging his chinos down over his hips, and they pooled at his feet. He used each foot to kick his boots off and then kicked his jeans off his feet, so he stood only in black boxers. He watched as her eyes roamed over him with admiration, and then he lifted her off the bench, placing her feet on the ground. He never stopped kissing her once as he removed her tights. He cupped her through the petite, red lacy panties she wore. He moved to kiss her neck, her breath coming hot and heavy on his hair tickling him. He matched her breaths with his own when her hand embraced him through his boxers. He let out a hiss, not sure how much longer he was going to be able to maintain control. Breaking free, he reached down to grab a condom out of his pocket. She arched an eyebrow, ‘Are you always this prepared?
’
He kissed her hard on her lips before answering, ‘Always.’
She smiled back at him and bit him gently on his lip, reaching down to remove his boxers as she did. With a groan, he lifted her in his arms and headed for her bedroom. Placing her gently on her back, he leisurely removed her panties. sprinkling her with kisses where his hands had been. He felt her tremor under his touch when he moved between her thighs and stroked her until she pulsed around him with rapture. He slid inside her, pausing to relish in the feel of her warmth wrapped around him.
He gave her all of him—his body, his heart, his soul, and his love. They moved together like they had made love a thousand times before. Fitting together perfectly, they soared to the highest summit on their love for one another. When he thought he couldn’t possibly climb any higher, Emma rolled him onto his back, straddling him. As her body trembled around him with her orgasm, he followed her spiralling into a world of bliss.
Later, as they laid in a tangle of rumpled sheets, Ben traced the entire length of the longest of the red scars on the top of her shoulder. ‘Tell me how you got them.’ He traced another scar that ran on her upper arm and then moved to the scar on the top of her chest. She knew each jagged scar like the back of her hand. Covering his hand with hers, she drew it up to the angry scar that ran from her shoulder to her neck. ‘This was where the first bullet entered my shoulder.’ She moved to the smaller scar on the back of her shoulder, ‘And this is where the bullet exited.’
She felt him stiffen with anger. As he went to speak, she placed a comforting finger across his lips. ‘Ssh, let me finish. Then you can ask all the questions you want.’
She moved his hand down from her shoulder slowly over the raised scar to her upper arm. ‘This is where the second bullet tore through muscle.’ She slid his hand across to the third scar on her upper chest. ‘This is where the third bullet entered. An inch lower, and I wouldn’t be here today, and in actual fact, it was the first bullet that nearly cost me my life.’
All of You Page 19
