All of You

by Jasmine Stevens

  ‘You’ve got to be kidding me? You love a hillbilly from here?’

  ‘Yes, I do, and don’t disrespect him by calling him a hillbilly.’

  ‘You said he loves Zoe, but you didn’t say anything about him loving you.’

  Emma shrugged away the hurt of his words as they were true. Ben hadn’t told her he loved her, and that scared her, but deep down she knew he did. He showed her in his touch, in kisses, in the way he made love to her, in the way he looked at her, and in everything he did for her. He did it all with love, and no one who saw her and Ben together would question that.

  ‘Ryan, I’m not coming back to Melbourne with you. Our love died a long time ago, and my home is here now. Everything back in Melbourne is you, not me. I’ve changed, I don’t want the fancy unit, I don’t need the fine dining, and I don’t need you anymore. I never did need you, but you always made me think I did, for some reason. I’m sorry, I don’t love you anymore.’

  Ryan chewed on the inside of his cheek, and she saw the nervous tick of his eyebrow. He abruptly pushed his chair back. ‘Well, I guess there’s nothing left to say except I won’t be waiting around for you if you change your mind. This is it, Em. If I walk away now, don’t come looking for me when all this…’ he gestured his hands to indicate the house, ‘… falls to pieces. It will, believe me.’

  Emma stood following him out of her house. ‘If it does fall apart, and things don’t work out with Ben, I’ll still have Zoe, my friends, and my family, and that’s all that matters.’

  He didn’t respond or turn around but instead hopped into his silver Lexus.

  She walked back inside, feeling good. She’d finally been able to voice her feelings to Ryan. It had felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Taking Zoe into her arms, she said, ‘Let’s get you to bed, little one.’

  As she walked towards Zoe’s bedroom, a knock sounded at the door. ‘What now?’ She walked over to the door and opened it with force. ‘What?’ She looked at Ryan standing on her doorstep.

  He looked sheepish. ‘My car won’t start.’

  ‘And?’ Emma responded, wondering what he wanted her to do about it.

  ‘Do you know a mechanic I could call?’

  ‘I do. But he isn’t going to come out and fix your car this late at night. He has a wife and baby he won’t want to leave. You’ll have to call him in the morning.’

  ‘Well, that’s bloody fantastic.’ Emma watched his face turn red with anger.

  ‘You’re welcome to sleep in the spare room tonight.’ She wasn’t heartless. He’d have been tired from driving from Melbourne, and to be honest, she didn’t want to bundle Zoe up and take her back out in the cold to drive Ryan to The Golf Club.

  ‘Thanks. I’ll grab my bag.’ He turned and practically skipped down the steps. She hoped he didn’t think anything was going to happen because he’d be sorely mistaken. She had made herself perfectly clear.

  Emma was changing Zoe into her pyjamas when she felt Ryan’s presence in the doorway. She turned and spoke over her shoulder as she pressed the studs together on Zoe’s onesie. ‘Bathroom’s down the hall on your right, the guest room is on the left.’

  ‘Thanks. Maybe when you have put the baby to bed, we could have a chat.’

  ‘It’s been a long day, Ryan. I’m heading to bed as soon as Zoe is asleep, I’m beat. I left a fresh towel on your bed, and there are drinks in the fridge if you want one.’

  ‘Okay.’

  Emma lifted Zoe and grabbed a book from the bookshelf and sat in the rocking chair in the corner of the room, making herself comfortable to read a book to Zoe. She looked up to find Ryan still standing in the doorway.

  ‘Motherhood suits you, you know,’ he said almost wistfully.

  ‘Thank you. It’s the toughest job I’ve ever had but by far the most rewarding.’ Zoe settled herself in Emma’s arms and sucked noisily on her dummy, watching the exchange with sleepy eyes.

  ‘For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.’

  He was sincere, Emma could read it in his voice. ‘I don’t hate you for leaving me.’

  ‘I know, but I hate myself for doing that to you.’

  ‘Don’t. It was meant to be. Don’t criticise yourself for not settling for something you never wanted in the first place. You’d be miserable. We’d be miserable. You made the right choice for you at the time. For us. Don’t hate yourself for being who you are because one day a woman is going to love you, for being you.’

  ‘Thanks,’ he said, placing his hands in his pocket.

  ‘That’s okay. I’ll see you in the morning.’ She opened the book to the first page and began to read as he walked down the hallway.

  Ben’s stomach sunk when he and Jamie pulled up outside Emma’s house the next morning. He had tossed and turned all night worrying about what Ryan could possibly want in visiting Emma. His imagination had run riot, but he had settled on the great possibility Ryan was here to win Emma back. Of course, he had told himself repeatedly all night he was right. Who in their right mind would let a beautiful, caring woman like Emma walk out of their life, and it was with that thought that Ben had made his mate stop by Emma’s house this morning on the way to his doctor’s appointment.

  Jamie turned to face Ben, who was sitting anxiously in the passenger seat. ‘Are you going in?’

  Ben chewed the inside of his cheek. Emma’s car wasn’t there, but the silver Lexus had to belong to Ryan. Now sitting outside her house, he didn’t think he had the bravado to walk up those steps. What would he find when he knocked on the door. He had images of a half-naked Ryan answering the door with sex-ruffled hair. Nope, he’d never be ready to face that. He looked straight ahead and said, ‘Nope, let’s get outta here.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ Jamie asked. ‘You’re going to go stir-crazy if you don’t go in there and find out if she’s getting back with him.’

  Ben shook his head. ‘Nah, leave it for now. She’ll tell me when she’s ready.’

  Jamie pulled away from the curb. ‘Suit yourself.’

  What was the point in going in and seeing her? Ryan had obviously stayed the night. She had made her choice, what possible good could come from him confessing his love for her and begging her to stay in Holbrook with him? It was time to admit defeat, he was no match for Ryan, a successful man who could give Emma the one thing he couldn’t—children.

  Ben placed the cups on the cow’s teats and moved to the next cow doing the same. With the stitches removed, he had been given the all-clear to resume light duties. Although he didn’t think his doctor would altogether approve of milking as being a light-duty. But stuff it, he was over sitting around wallowing. It felt good to be back in the swing of things. Sitting around doing nothing drove him nuts and gave him too much time to think. Although if he were honest, milking the cows gave him time to think and reflect on all the mistakes he’d made. He should have told Emma he loved her a long time ago. Now he realised he’d left it too late. He kicked a bucket of water over with his gumboot.

  ‘Hey.’ Will popped his head in the dairy as the bucket came flying in his direction.

  ‘Sorry.’ Ben grumbled back.

  Will stepped over the bucket and looked up at Ben. ‘What’s bugging you?’ Will pulled up a milk crate, turned it over, and sat down.

  ‘Seriously, you’re going to sit and watch while I do all the work?’

  ‘Yep.’ Will rubbed his neck. ‘I’ve been up on a roof all day. Cut me some slack.’ Will looked around the dairy. ‘Where’s Dad?’

  ‘Had to go into Newcastle to pick up a new part for the tractor. He and Mum thought they’d make a day of it and see a movie.’ Ben looked over at his brother sitting on the milk crate with annoyance. ‘You know, it wouldn’t hurt you to help me out on the odd occasion.’

  ‘Hey, this is what you wanted. I didn’t want the farm. You always wanted to be a farmer. But this isn’t about me or Dad and Mum taking off to Newcastle for the day, is it? My guess is your bad mood is about a woman, one
particular woman, in fact.’

  ‘What about it?’

  Will got up from the crate and walked over and started taking the cups off the cows’ teats as they were finished milking. ‘Well, are you going to spill and tell me what’s got you all worked up?’

  Ben raked his hand through his hair. ‘God, I love her. I love Zoe, too.’ When had this happened? Love had crept up on him like a summer storm and thundered through his heart like a bolt of lightning. He hadn’t planned on it. Hadn’t hoped for it. In fact, it was the furthest thing from his mind. All those months ago, he had seen a gorgeous-looking woman, and he’d thought of one thing only—how to get her in his bed? But she’d become more to him than a conquest. Emma and her daughter had become a part of him. The three of them had formed a family. He’d thought the only family he’d ever have were his immediate blood relatives, but now he had a gorgeous woman and a beautiful little girl. He couldn’t imagine how it would feel spending one day without them. But now he knew exactly how losing the two most important people in his life would feel—empty. He had lost them, of that he was sure, and he had only recently discovered this thing called love, which made him feel like a man with the world at his feet. He had everything when he had Emma and Zoe. Now all that would be gone. He’d be left broken-hearted, exactly where he had thought he would be when he started spending time with Emma.

  Will’s voice broke through his thoughts. ‘Well, man! What are you standing here telling me for? It’s Emma and Zoe you need to be telling.’ Will looked pointedly at his brother.

  ‘What’s the point? Ryan’s back on the scene.’

  ‘Who’s Ryan? More to the point, why should this guy stop you from telling Emma and Zoe exactly how you feel.’

  ‘Ryan is Emma’s ex, and he has come crawling back from Melbourne to win her back. They have history. I can’t compete with him.’

  ‘Can’t you?’

  ‘Can’t I what? Compete with him?’ At Will’s nod, he said, ‘Shit no, I can’t compete with him. They were together for three years, lived together. They love each other.’

  ‘Do they really? Have you spoken to Emma? Have you asked her how she feels about Ryan? Have you asked her how she feels about you?’

  ‘No.’

  Will playfully knocked his open palm across Ben’s head. ‘You dumb arse. You know nothing. You need to get your arse to her place and ask these questions.’ When Ben still stood standing in front of him, Will chastised him. ‘Why are you still standing here? Get your arse into gear, bro, and go find out.’

  ‘I don’t know? She and Ryan have stuff to sort—’

  ‘They have no shit to sort, mate,’ Will interrupted. ‘You and Emma, on the other hand, have a lot of shit to sort out.’ Will strode out of the dairy and returned moments later with Ben’s motorbike helmet, slamming it into his hands. ‘Now go and win her. I’ll finish the milking.’

  Ben didn’t waste another second racing out to his bike, donning his helmet as he did. Revving the engine to life, he waved thanks to his brother as he took off down the driveway.

  Ben took the steps to Emma’s house two at a time. Ryan’s car was missing from her front yard as was her car, but maybe she’d put it in the garage. He needed her to be home. She’d be finished with work by now. She should have been home. He had spent the drive from the farm into town going over and over in his head what he wanted to say to her. He had even stopped off at the florist in town to buy some sunflowers which he knew were her favourite. Now, as he stood knocking on her door, clutching the yellow blooms in his hand, nerves jumped in his stomach, and he shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other. He was so jittery. He needed to calm himself, or he wasn’t going to be able to get out the right words he wanted, needed to say.

  She wasn’t home. Damn. The flowers were a little worse for wear from riding with them on the motorbike. He admitted it wasn’t the most sensible thing he’d done, but he wasn’t thinking clearly when all he could think about was Emma. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his mobile. He texted her. ‘

  Ben: Hey, where are you. I’m at your place?

  He tapped his foot impatiently waiting for her reply. None came. Where was she? Was she arranging to go back to Melbourne? Was she with Ryan? He had to find her, or he was going to go crazy.

  Finally, his phone buzzed.

  Emma: I’m at the farm. Will said you’re at my place. Stay there. I’m on my way.

  Ben was pacing on the front porch when Emma pulled into the driveway. She took in his nervousness. What was he so worried about? Surely, he didn’t think she’d dump him for Ryan. After getting Zoe out of the car seat, she put her gently down on the ground and watched with a smile as she ran to Ben, who scooped her up effortlessly.

  ‘Hey, possum.’ Zoe planted a kiss on his cheek and cuddled his neck tightly.

  Emma walked up the steps. ‘Hey.’ She could tell he had been running his hand through his hair with worry as it stood at odd angles.

  ‘Hey.’ He stepped aside for her to open the door and followed her inside. Dumping her bag on the kitchen bench, she turned and kissed him on the lips. Should she put him out of his misery and tell him she sent Ryan packing? Back at the farm, Will had told her Ben was beside himself worrying she’d take Ryan back. Why would Ben think so little of himself? When was he going to realise he was enough for her? More to the point, when was he going to acknowledge his feelings for her? It was in that instant she knew she wasn’t going to tell him anything. It was time he faced the truth about their love for one another and accepted it. If it meant him stewing a bit, then so be it.

  He placed Zoe on the carpet, and she ran over to her toy box in the corner of the lounge room and started pulling out toys. He thrust the sunflowers at Emma. ‘I got you these. I hope you like them.’

  Emma took them in her hands. ‘They’re beautiful. Thank you.’ Her vase had been broken, and she hadn’t had a chance to replace it. She searched through her cupboard for a tall glass, filled it halfway with water, and placed the flowers inside. The whole time she could feel Ben’s eyes on her. As she turned around to face him, he asked, ‘Where’s Ryan?’ He had his hands in his pockets and was leaning back against the breakfast bar.

  Emma shrugged. ‘Probably staying at The Golf Club tonight and then I imagine he’ll be heading back to Melbourne tomorrow.’ She filled the kettle with water and turned it on. ‘Want a cuppa?’

  Ben nodded. ‘Look…’ He removed his hands from his pockets and scratched the back of his head. She noticed he did that when he was nervous. ‘I… I have made myself damn sick worrying you were going to get back together with him.’

  Emma reached up to get a coffee mug and then a teacup from the cupboard. ‘Why would that make you sick?’ She knew exactly why, but she didn’t want to spell it out for him.

  As she reached over to get the canister of sugar, he placed a hand to stop hers. ‘Can you stop for a minute? Please.’

  She did stop and looked into his worried eyes, and her heart melted. The poor man was beside himself. She took his hand and drew it to her mouth, placing a delicate kiss on the inside of his palm. He groaned. She kissed up his hand to his wrist, and he yanked it away from her before she could continue. ‘I can’t concentrate on what I have to say while you’re doing that to me.’

  He grabbed her around the waist, lifted her and sat her on the kitchen bench, stepping back out of her reach. ‘I have to know. Are you getting back with Ryan?’

  ‘No.’ One simple word with so much meaning. ‘Do you think I’d have kissed you like that if I was still in love with Ryan?’ The look of relief made her smile. ‘Come here.’ He stepped closer, and she tugged on his wrist, drawing him to her, so he was standing in between her legs. ‘I love you. Only you.’

  He kissed her soundly on the lips. ‘Thank God.’

  ‘Why, Ben? Why are you so relieved I didn’t go back to Melbourne with Ryan?’

  He shifted uncomfortably. She realised it was hard for him, but it was time.r />
  ‘When I started this thing between us, I’ll admit I wasn’t looking to fall in love, but I have.’

  ‘That’s hard for you to admit. Why?’ She held both his hands in encouragement as she wanted him to open up to her.

  ‘I’ve never been in love before, and to be honest, it hit me hard knowing I was putting myself out there to get hurt. I kinda figured eventually you would get a better offer and move on leaving me with a broken heart. I didn’t want to admit to you I had fallen in love with you because then basically it would be real.’

  ‘I get that. But I think there’s more. Tell me.’

  ‘I… I guess I thought with Ryan, you could have children, something you can’t have with me. I wouldn’t have blamed you if you had taken Ryan back.’

  Her heart broke again for him. He thought he wasn’t the whole package because of his inability to father children. She put her hands on his cheeks. ‘You’re worthy of love, you deserve it the same as everyone else. The fact you can’t have children doesn’t stop me from loving you. I love you, Ben. All of you. Do you hear me? I love everything about you.’ She touched the scar underneath his nose. ‘I love this on you, it tells a story. The same as my scars tell a story about me.’ She pulled her jumper to the side to show him her angry scars. ‘I love how you scratch the back of your head when you’re nervous. I love how you bite the inside of your cheek when you’re thinking. I love that you talk to me until I fall asleep after we’ve made love.’ She ran a hand through his hair. ‘I’ll take you as you are because that’s you, and that’s what I love about you.’