by Lacey Dailey
“So it was me who was the failure?”
“You are not a failure, Giovanna.” With a sigh, he sits down his chair. The leather squeaks beneath his weight. “Your priorities were different from your brothers. You cared more about making friends, being on that silly dance team, and planning high school events rather than letting your brain focus on things that really mattered.”
“Those things did matter! Those were things that made me happy. They allowed me to leave high school with experiences and memories that can’t be made through textbooks and lectures.”
“Memories don’t get you anywhere in life, Giovanna. That’s why I decided it’d be in your best interest if I were to guide you the rest of the way.”
“I was the only one who warranted your guidance? All because I wanted to be on my high school dance team? Because I wasn’t captain of the quiz bowl team like Renzo, or didn’t win scholastic decathlon four times in a row like Paolo?”
“Yes.”
Unbelievable.
“My brothers enjoyed doing those things. The same as I enjoyed dance team. Can you even comprehend the amount of resentment I have pent up in me because you never once supported me and supported all four of them?”
He lifts his cigar. “If a little resentment from my daughter is the price I have to pay in order for her to be successful, I’ll take it.”
Silence surrounds us. I wrestle with my mind in an effort to form words that may justify my feelings. What do you say to a father who would rather his daughter be resentful towards him than support what thrills her?
Nothing.
I say nothing.
Just like I chose to walk in here, I choose not to give my breaths to validation. I have what I came for.
Answers.
“I’ll be leaving Durham in less than two weeks.” I move from Aiden and rest my palm on my father’s desk. I look at him through watery eyes. “I’d appreciate it greatly if you could tell me where you stored my things. If one day you decide the life I’m living doesn’t make you wallow in disappointment, please call me.”
I wait a beat. When he says nothing, I rotate on the balls on my feet and move heavily towards the door. With Aiden’s arm around my shoulders, I breathe and I let go. He kisses the top of my head and opens the door.
I take one proud step and my father speaks. “Your things are in your childhood bedroom. Your mother will be home all afternoon. Good luck to you, Bambina.”
I flash him the deuces.
23
Gigi
Beer dribbles down Quinn’s chin. She smacks the counter with each chuckle that rumbles from her chest. “You flashed him the deuces?”
“I did.” I hide my grin behind the rim of my glass.
Brushing the black hair from her face, she catches her breath “I wish I was there to see that.”
“And I wish you wouldn’t have hidden all this from us.” Mimi wraps her arms around my shoulders, pulling me tight to her body in an awkward hug. I tilt my head to avoid all the red curls tickling my face. She chuckles and steps back. “Sorry. These curls are untamable.”
“Tell me about it.” Beck jumps onto the edge of the counter, his feet dangling as he rubs his hand across his head. “There is a hot mess growing from this scalp, and my husband gets all whiny when I mention cutting it.”
“Get your ass off my counter.” Quinn thumps him. With a smirk, Beck makes himself comfortable on the granite. Quinn flips him off.
“I think Knox’s obsession with your curls is adorable.” Brenna reaches out and tugs at a curl sprouting from Beck’s skull.
Brenna is perched on a stool next to me. She’s spent most of the night grinning up at me like she hasn’t seen me in years. It’s only been four months but the absence of my family has taken more of a toll on me than I expected. It’s been too long since I’ve been able to attend a family dinner. It’s a different type of experience, being here without having to rush out the moment my plate was cleared.
It’s a new experience to sit around the counter, drinking and gossiping with the girls and Beck while our men sit out back on the patio. It’s likely we’ve all been discussing the same thing—the confrontation I had with Tito Moretti five days ago.
Following the face-off with my father, Aiden drove me to my parent’s house and waited as I siphoned through boxes. I left with only the things I needed and my mother’s lack of an appearance weighing heavily on me. She was home. I knew that to be true based on the unlocked door when we arrived. I can only imagine my father warned her of my arrival and ordered her not to approach me.
I hope one day my phone will ring and it will be my father, aspiring to make amends. I hope Benny’s father gets to hold his future grandchild in his arms, recognizing the miracles Benny’s made with his freedom. I hope we all can come together and spend an evening free of tension and strict demands. I hope one day we will all be a family.
Today, I’m grateful for the one I’m with tonight.
“So, Gigi.” Mimi rests her elbows on the counter beside Beck. “When do you and Max return to Vegas?”
“A few days. He’s going to be living in the studio until his record is done. Hopefully, he’ll decide on a single soon.” I finish my drink and set the empty glass on the counter. “I’ll send it to you guys once that happens. You can have a sneak peek and tell him how great it sounds to help ease his nerves.”
“I don’t think he has anything to be nervous about.” Brenna says. “His EP is incredible.”
“Right?” Quinn pulls out her phone and starts scrolling through it. “I have it on the playlist I play in the bar. Do you think he’d be willing to perform there?”
“I’m sure he would. He wants to avoid stadiums and keep things small for the time being.”
He’d never say so, but our family’s reaction to his record deal floored him.
Over goulash and alcohol, Max shyly told our family the details of our summer road trip. I’m not sure if they whooped louder when he announced he was in love with me, or when he told them about his record deal.
Their support, steady and resolute, swept through him with intensity. The effect was visceral.
“My sweet baby Max.” Beck hums. “He has such a humble heart.”
“Holy shit, Stryker.” My heartbeat changes with the sound of Max’s voice. “You’re so dramatic.”
“Oh hush, Maxwell. It’s like my boy has grown wings. Now, I get to watch him fly to Sin City with his gorgeous girlfriend.” Beck sits up. “Take a nickel for a phone call home and don’t talk to any strangers.”
“Dude, you are something else.” Max’s hair brushes his forehead with each step he takes in my direction. When his arms come around my waist, I lean back into his touch.
His lips hit my ear. His words are hushed as he speaks. “I need you. Can we talk?”
“Of course.” Turning my face, I kiss his cheek. “Right now?”
“Yes, please.”
“Let’s go sit out front.” Sliding his hand in mine, I lead him through the kitchen and past my sisters. They don’t even pretend they weren’t eavesdropping.
Warm, September air blankets us when I open the front door. I pull it tight behind us and guide him toward the bench swing hanging from the beams of the porch.
We sit. The bench swings with our movement as we shift. With me tucked into his side, my head pillowed against his chest, he starts to whisper. The tone is soft enough that I almost miss his confession. “I lied about my gigs, Gia. All those times I declined invitations to family dinners and blamed it on my gigs were a lie. I used the gigs as an excuse because I didn’t want to come.”
“Do you want to leave?” I ask him, kissing the place where his heart beats. “I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”
“It’s easier with you here.” His pushes his nose into my hair. “I love this family, Gia. Aiden and I both do but I feel so guilty every time one of them smiles at me. The only reason I received an invitation to these dinners in the first
place is because what I did when Beck was hit by that car. Every time I come here, somebody makes a comment about what a great friend I am.”
His sadness hits me like a shot in the chest.
“It wasn’t me, Gia. I’m not the great friend.”
“Max—”
“Think about it for a minute, baby. Knowing what you know now, do you honestly think I would’ve been able to handle my best friend getting smoked by a car while my other best friend sits in his blood and screams?”
No. My sweet Max would’ve never been able to handle that. “It was Aiden.”
“Of course, it was Aiden. I didn’t even surface. I don’t remember a damn thing about that accident because I wasn’t present at all. I was gone for a week because I couldn’t handle it, Gia. A week. I keep getting praised for something I didn’t even do. I had to piece together what happened from what Knox told everybody. I feel like such a phony around them, Gia. Your family is good people, and I’m lying to every single one of them.”
My heart tumbles with the crack in his voice. “Max—”
“I feel so guilty, Gia. Every time one of them spews something about me being a hero, I want to throw up.”
Crawling onto his lap, I drape my body over his and hold him tight to me. The quiver in his bones paired with the hitch in breath tells me he won’t be with me for much longer.
“Max, it’s okay to feel guilty. I understand.”
“You do?”
“Of course. You think you’re a jerk for lying to them when you have no intention of telling them the truth.”
“Do you think it’s true?” He speaks low, voice laced in vulnerability. “I’m a jerk friend?”
“Of course not, Max. Having all these friends is new to you, and you’re still figuring out how to balance the two parts of you around them.” I hold his face in my hands, running my thumbs along his cheeks. “I want you to remember that just because it was Aiden’s actions that induced your first invite, doesn’t mean it wasn’t Max they came to know and love.”
“I suppose that’s the silver lining. If one day, I do tell them about Aiden, they’ll already love him.”
“It’s completely impossible not to love you both.”
“Not everybody is like you, Gia.” His chin trembles. “Not everybody has the patience and ability to understand another’s struggles like you do.”
“I agree, babe. But those people in that house? They do.”
He blows out a breath so rough, the swing rocks from the harsh movement. “I think I know that, and I don’t want to stop coming. I like it here. I feel relaxed and comfortable when we’re all just hanging out. The guilt is something that I’m just going to struggle with for a while. Maybe forever.”
“That’s okay, Max. I’ll be here whenever you need me. I’m with you through every struggle.”
“Thank you.” Pillow soft, our lips meet. “I love you with everything we've got, Gia Maria.”
“I love you too, Max.”
He shakes his head, his hair falling into his face. The gesture creates a mask to hide his wet eyes. He crumples beneath me, letting his head rest on the bench’s ledge. I pull my knees to my chest, curling into him. With my ear over his chest, I listen to the steady beats of his heart. Slowly, the arms around my body grow heavier.
“Hey, baby.”
I press my face into his chest. “Hi, Aiden. Is he okay?”
“Nah but he will be. He’s got so much guilt pent up, feels like a damn elephant is sitting on our chest.”
“I just want to help both of you.”
“Ah, baby, come on. Don’t cry.”
“I’m not crying.”
I'm definitely crying.
Tears, hot and heavy, roll slowly down my cheeks. I sniffle against his chest, frustrated I’m making this moment about me. I hold a tremendous desire to rid Max and Aiden of the weight they carry simply for surviving.
If I could carry it for them, I would.
“It fucking guts me to hear those sniffles, sweet cheeks.”
“Then stop listening.”
Wrapping his hand around my chin, his lifts it to his face and uses his lips to cleanse my face of tears. “Max and I are going to be okay, Gia. We feel pretty fucking invincible with you around. Let us get used to this, yeah?”
I nod weakly, extending my neck and seeking his lips. We kiss. I feel the pulse in his fingers when he wraps his hands around my neck lightly.
His lips move across mine with a whisper. “Do you want to go back inside, Gia?”
“No.”
Dragging at my lower lip, his grip grows possessive but somehow stays gentle. Our bodies become one as we kiss, swinging back and forth until our lips are too tired to move.
“I like it here.” I say, resting my head on his shoulder. “It’s comfy, and the stars are pretty.”
“They are, aren’t they? I love them.”
“Really?” I look upward. The sky is dotted with stars. It’s one of those nights that are extra special. It isn’t simply a star here or there. Tonight, the stars liter the sky, spanning as far as the sky stretches. “You must’ve been happy when Max decided to get a degree in Astronomy then, huh?”
“Baby, you know why Max got that degree?”
“Everybody knows why Max picked it. Stars are majestic and shiny.”
The shake of his head is subtle. “That’s just what he tells people because he can’t tell them the real reason.”
I hesitate. The real reason sounds like the beginning of a conversation that requires more than he might be willing to share right now.
Four measured breaths pass through his chest. Anchoring himself to me, he presses his face in my neck and softly begins to speak. The tip of his nose is cold against my skin. I don’t complain. “When I’d surface and endure the abuse, I always knew Max would take over again. I knew he’d take over our body, feeling the burn from the lighter, the ache from the slaps, and the sting in our skull from being yanked around by our hair.”
I stop breathing, worried too big of a breath would shatter him.
“I knew Max would wake up with bruises he couldn’t place, burn marks he didn’t know how to care for, and chunks of hair missing from his scalp. I knew he’d be scared, Gia, and I did what I could to make it a little more bearable for him. Max and I were young, and there weren’t a lot of things around us that could pull us from the pain or bring us joy. If there was, it wasn’t long before our parents would get rid of it.”
I come undone with the moisture on my neck. It slips beneath the collar of my shirt, running down my chest as he cries. I bite my quivering lip, kissing the side of his head repeatedly while my fingertips move up and down his spine.
“One thing they couldn’t take from us were the stars. I don’t remember what night it was that I realized it or how old we were. All I remember was stumbling out to the backyard with my eye swelled shut and tears on my face. I remember laying down in the grass. I heard the lock twist behind me and knew I’d be sleeping under the stars. I laid down and really looked at them for the first time. It was so long ago but I remember, Gia. I remember how pretty I thought they were.”
He adjusts himself, looking heavenward. “Time went on and I grew obsessed with the idea that I could follow the stars anywhere. I thought, one way or another, the stars would save me and I wouldn’t have to sleep in the grass forever. While I waited for my rescuer, I admired their beauty. It was all I had for the time being, and if the stars were the only thing in our life that wasn’t ugly, I made damn sure Max had something pretty to look at while he cried through his pain.”
There was only so much a human heart could take. Mine reached its maximum. Our tears mix, using my skin as a canvas for healing.
“Even after the abuse stopped and we were adopted, we always found comfort in the stars. It’s where we used to go when we felt scared, or anxious, or couldn’t sleep. It’s what we were doing that morning we saw you in the diner.”
"You saw me?”
“Yeah. The front of that diner is all glass. We were walking around town because we couldn’t sleep. When we saw you through the dirty glass, we turned our feet and walked in.”
I taste tears on my lips. “But… why?”
“We knew the stars would disappear soon, and we wanted something else that felt familiar.” He uses my shoulder to dab at his tears, rubbing the tip of his nose against mine. “There was just something about you that relaxed us. It’s the reason Max invited you on a trip that wasn’t supposed to include any passengers. He tried hard to deny his feelings, but he did a shit job of it. I made sure to steer him in the right direction.”
I stiffen. “You encouraged him to pursue me?”
“Of course, I did. I was gone for you the second I heard you laugh after making that crack about scratching itches. He was too. It was just a little scary for us to admit to someone other than ourselves.”
“Well, what about now?” Lifting his hand, I press his palm to my chest. “Is it still scary?”
“We haven’t been scared of life since the second you told us you loved us. We’ll always have the stars, Gia, and they’re very pretty. Now, it’s you. It’s you who helps us forget about the pain, and you are the prettiest thing we’ve ever seen.”
I used to spend my nights staring into the coffee Willa made me and wonder why I was still there.
I know now.
I was waiting for two people wrapped in one soul to somehow find the courage to invite me into their life and trust me with their secret. I was waiting for a soul stronger than any I’ll ever meet. I was waiting for a soul that promises me a future—one wrapped around my infinity.
If I knew then the importance of the man who walked through those diner doors, I would’ve leapt from the booth and into his arms.
I didn’t know. Nobody ever knows when it’s coming. Relief for enduring a mountain of struggles can come as quickly as it takes a diner door to swing, and I think that’s what makes us appreciate it when it comes.
I could’ve chosen not to go to the diner that night.
Max could’ve chosen to walk down a different sidewalk.
