NICOLE
"We accept the love we think we deserve.”
Stephen Chbosky
"A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one."
Mae West
"Everyone says that love hurts. But that's not true. Loneliness hurts, rejection hurts, losing someone hurts. Everyone confuses these with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all the pain and makes us feel wonderful again."
Unknown
When Lucy's aunt Nicole was released from prison in April 2013, she swore she would never touch drugs again. She moved into a halfway house, started her own little lawn care business, did tattoos on the side, and went to church and NA meetings regularly. She was determined to never go back to her old life.
When I met Lucy in June 2013, she had told me to keep in touch with her aunt, because she knew she was headed for jail soon. She wanted me and Nicole to be able to update each other about her situation.
Lucy's mother was a drug addict, who had abandoned her as a baby, and her dad Dick was a drug dealing scumbag. It was Nicole who raised Lucy, almost like her own daughter. Nicole was the one holding Lucy in all her baby pictures. She taught her how to walk, how to talk, and how to take drugs. Later Lucy's grandma Gloria took over for Nicole.
Nicole and I friended each other on Facebook, and while Lucy was in jail, Nicole and I started chatting with each other at night. I told her I loved Lucy, and that I was hoping to be able to show her that a sober life was worth living.
Nicole and I became pretty close, and we often chatted all night long. She started telling me about herself. She said she had tried to kill herself many times, because she had been through some really traumatic stuff in her childhood.
She told me her brother, Lucy's dad Dick, had raped her ever since she was 4 years old. They weren't related by blood. Nicole's father had married Dick's mother Gloria.
While Dick raped Nicole night after night, his brother raped Nicole's younger sister. Nicole often heard her sister cry and choke in the bathroom, while Dick's brother shoved his dick in her mouth.
Dick was more than 10 years older than Nicole, so he was a teenager when she was still a toddler. He raped her for years, until she was 15. He was in the car with her, and tried to force her to have sex with him again. She floored the gas pedal and headed straight for a tree. She wanted to kill him and herself. The car hit the tree at 80 mph. He was lucky and didn't get all that hurt. But her right leg was shattered. She wasn't able to walk from the age of 15 until she was 18. That's when he finally stopped raping her. But he continued to make nasty remarks to her all the time, saying things like: "What color panties are you wearing?" or "Remember, I was the first to fuck the shit out of you." She hated Dick, but never told Lucy what her father had done to her.
I felt really bad for Nicole, because she seemed like a nice person, but all her life she had been used and abused by guys. Her brother Dick wasn't the only one to rape her. And all her boyfriends were the same type of guy: some drug-using, violent redneck who treated her like shit and frequently beat her. That's all she had ever known. She thought that's all she deserved. No wonder she tried to kill herself so many times, and was addicted to drugs. To her, life was pain.
At the NA meetings, Nicole met Johnny. He was the same type of guy as all the other guys she had dated before him. He was some drug addicted lowlife with a long criminal record, who had spent his entire adult life in prison. He just got out.
They hit it off and started dating. It didn't take long before he relapsed. Of course that made her use drugs again, too. She stopped going to the NA meetings, because her sponsor and the other people she had met there and looked to for help, had all relapsed as well. Now they were calling her for drugs.
That didn't really come as a surprise to me. The more I read about the AA/NA 12-step program, the less impressed I was. Ask any drug counselor, and they will tell you that the relapse rate for drugs like crack or heroin is about 98%. That means the current gold standard of addiction treatment, the 12-step-program, fails almost 100% of the time to keep people off drugs. In other words, it's clearly not working. Ask any addict, and they will tell you a dozen stories about their addict friends who went to a rehab program, and relapsed as soon as they got out.
But imagine if any other medication or medical treatment had an almost 100% failure rate. That medication would not only be taken off the market, the makers would be sued for medical malpractice or land in jail. And now imagine if the patients who didn't get any better after the treatment were being blamed for the treatment's failure. That's exactly what happens when an addict fails to recover after being in a 12-step-based rehab program.
The AA program was originally based on God as a cure for addiction. Only after people complained that this was akin to faith healing (Which also doesn't work. Nobody in their right mind would choose prayer instead of Penicillin when they get a bad infection.) was the word God replaced with the term "Higher Power." But it's still a thinly disguised religious program with religious terminology throughout. And since I don't believe God exists, to me it's no surprise that a treatment program that is based on something that doesn't exist is doomed to fail every time.
At one point I spoke to a lady who had been running a halfway house for 17 years. She told me how strict her house rules were, and that the girls in her house had a curfew, had to attend an AA/NA meeting every day, etc.
A little while later in the conversation, she told me that in those 17 years, she had only seen one single addict come through her halfway house, who truly got clean and did not relapse anymore afterwards. I thought it was funny that somehow she didn't connect the dots in her head, that what she was doing was clearly not working. But of course she blamed the addicts for their failure to get better. They just didn't want to get better bad enough. Imagine if you had an infected appendix, and instead of surgery or antibiotics, the doctor told you to attend prayer meetings every day, and when your appendix ruptures and kills you anyway, the doctor says: "Well, I guess you didn't want to get better badly enough."
The magazine Free Inquiry published a very thorough article about AA, written by Steven Mohr, called "Exposing the Myth of Alcoholics Anonymous." Mohr characterizes AA as nothing more than a religious cult.
Bankole A. Johnson, chairman of the Department of Psychiatry and Neurobehavioral Sciences at the University of Virginia, wrote in an article for the Washington Post: "For decades, Americans have clung to a near-religious conviction that rehab - and the 12-step model pioneered by Alcoholics Anonymous that almost all facilities rely upon - offers effective treatment for alcoholism and other addictions. Here's the problem: We have little indication that this treatment is effective. When an alcoholic goes to rehab but does not recover, it is he who is said to have failed. But it is rehab that is failing addicts. The therapies offered in most U.S. alcohol and drug treatment centers are so divorced from state-of-the-art medical knowledge that we might dismiss them as merely quaint - if it weren't for the fact that addiction is a deadly and devastating disease."
He concludes: "There is little compelling evidence that the AA method works, inside or outside a rehab facility. Although AA's emphasis on anonymity makes it difficult for outside researchers to determine its success rates, some have tried. What they have found doesn't inspire much confidence in AA's approach. A recent review by the Cochrane Library, a health-care research group, of studies on alcohol treatment conducted between 1966 and 2005 states its results plainly: "No experimental studies unequivocally demonstrated the effectiveness of AA or TSF [12-step facilitation] approaches for reducing alcohol or drug dependence."
But some addicts do get better. So there is hope. The Harvard Medical School did a study, and asked a whole bunch of people, who really truly got clean, how they did it. 80% of them answered that they did not do it with the AA program, but on their own, at home, by staying away from other addicts, with the love and support of their lo
ved ones. And I think that is the key: don't hang out with other addicts. Not even at meetings. Not even when they're in recovery, because virtually all of them will relapse sooner or later. So stay as far away from other addicts as possible. Surround yourself with truly sober people who love you.
As I mentioned earlier, I believe drug addiction is a substitute for love. So it seems only logical to me that love is what can help an addict overcome their drug addiction. And there are rehab programs out there that are not based on the 12-step program, but on actual medical science, and on building strong, loving relationships.
Anyway, let's get back to Nicole:
The guy she met at an AA meeting relapsed, and she followed soon after. At first she used just a little bit, occasionally. She lied to herself and pretended that she could do drugs recreationally, here and there, without letting it get out of hand. But slowly it got worse. It always does. Eventually she and Johnny couldn't afford the amount of drugs they required, so Johnny tried to talk her into stripping, and then wanted her to escort on Backpage.
Take my word for it: if a guy is ok with you stripping or escorting, he doesn't really love you. He cares more about money or drugs, than about you. He's not your friend, and he's not your lover. He's using you as his meal ticket. He's pimping you out, even if he manages to make you think it's your idea. A real man would rather go scrub toilets to earn a living, than watch his girl degrade herself in a strip club or as a whore.
One day Nicole told me she needed money, and asked me if there was anything she could do for me to earn some quick cash. I told her she could clean my house, if she wanted to. I figured $40 for 4 hours of cleaning would be fair. But she was only there for about an hour and a half, and she was texting all the time. The only people I knew, who text with such hectic urgency and frequency, are drug addicts. So my instincts told me she was using drugs again, even if she was still at a stage where her addiction seemed manageable.
A few weeks went by. Lucy had been in and out of jail a few times. Now she was back in, and she told me that I was the only person on her visitation list. She told me she loved me and that she wasn't talking to any other guys anymore. I was the only one. But then Wigger warned me not to trust her, and I found out she was playing me and a bunch of other guys. She had scheduled a viso with her pimp G-Force and her sugar daddy Cho.
I felt really hurt and betrayed, because this was the same kind of grimey shit that Veronica had done to me so many times, and Lucy had promised never to hurt me like that. And then she did it anyway. So I was done with her. I wanted nothing to do with her anymore. I told Nicole that Lucy did nothing but lie and cheat, just like Veronica, and I was sick of it. Nicole replied that I was right not to put up with Lucy's games. She said I deserved to be treated better than that.
A few weeks later, Nicole messaged me on Facebook and told me that she was going to start dancing as a stripper at Lookers. She asked me if I would come see her. I told her I don't like strip clubs. She offered to come to my house and strip for me there. I told her that probably wasn't a good idea, because I would get turned on, and then I'd probably want to have sex with her. She replied that that was the whole point of taking her clothes off in front me. Wow. So after Veronica's mother had hit on me, and Lola's mother told me it was ok to fuck her daughter right in front of her, now Lucy's aunt told me I could fuck her if I wanted to.
Nicole was a gorgeous 30 year old natural blonde, with steel blue eyes and large breasts. In prison, the other inmates had called her Barbarian Barbie, because she was beautiful and athletic.
Lucy obviously didn't give a shit about me. By now I had found out that she not only had been talking to a bunch of guys besides me, but she was doing exactly the same thing that Veronica always did: Lucy was writing love letters to a bunch of different people. I was by no means the only one in her life, like she claimed. She had even written a letter to Veronica, asking her to have herself moved from dorm 4 to dorm 1, where Lucy was, so they could fuck.
But at this point Veronica wanted nothing to do with Lucy anymore, because Lucy had told me that Veronica was dating Wendy behind my back. So Veronica ended up sending me the letter Lucy wrote her, to show me that I couldn't trust Lucy and she was just playing me. Veronica trash-talked Lucy all the time and said things like: "Lucy got really fat in jail. And did you ever notice her head is too big for her body? I'm so much hotter than her."
Lucy had also written a letter to her sugar daddy Cho, that said she loved him and wanted to be with him. He ended up texting me a photo of her letter, to rub it in my face, and he told me that he had also intercepted one of her love letters to some other guy.
She was writing several different dope boys on the outside, male inmates in other parts of the jail, and female inmates, including Snickers. She was throwing herself at a dozen different people at once, telling each of them the same thing. Just like Veronica. It was bizarre. It was like Lucy was a slightly younger clone of Veronica.
Lucy was just as desperate to feel loved, and she thought she would accomplish that by casting the widest possible net, instead of putting all her eggs in one basket with just one person. She was just as selfish as Veronica, and didn't consider my feelings even for one second while she was doing all that stuff. I didn't exist while she chased after all these other people.
Fuck her, I thought. Karma is a bitch.
I told Nicole that I was in New York, but that I would like to watch her strip for me, once I get back to Fort Myers. She told me to hurry back.
I arrived in Fort Myers in early November, 2013. One day before Lucy was about to be released again. So I could have picked her up from jail, like she asked me to two weeks earlier. But then she decided to go smoke crack with Cho and fuck him instead. The thought of that guy, or any other guy, touching her made me sick.
She obviously had no loyalty to me whatsoever, even though she always told me she loved me oh so much. So why should I have any loyalty to her? Why should I consider her feelings for even a second while I pursue other people?
I picked up Nicole at Lucy's grandfather's house. We went back to my place. She was really nervous. I told her she didn't really have to strip if she didn't want to, and that I'd be perfectly happy just having sex with her. She was relieved. She told me she couldn't bring herself to strip at Lookers, because she was way too shy. It hadn't been her idea anyway. It was Johnny's.
He had also tried to force her to trick on Backpage, but she said she couldn't bring herself to have sex with all these random guys. She had a full blown panic attack, when Johnny drove her to some guy's house to fuck him. That's why she had messaged me on Facebook a few days ago, hoping I'd like what I see once she stripped for me, and maybe we'd click, and then I'd agree to see her every day, and take care of her, the way I used to take care of Lucy's stepmom Hussy.
Inbetween the day she had messaged me, and the day I returned to Fort Myers and picked her up, Johnny had gotten arrested. Nicole had tried to break up with him. He got violent and started beating her at the Hess gas station on Palm Beach Boulevard. He threw her on the ground. Other people stopped him, to help her get away from him. But she had to get her belongings out of his pickup truck first. He ran over her foot with the truck. She hobbled away, into the gas station.
He rammed the glass front and tried to drive the truck through the store to run her over. The cops arrested him and he was charged with assault with a deadly weapon, among other things. He was still on probation. Now he was going to head back to prison for a long time. Good. I fucking hate lowlives like him.
It's never ok to hit a girl. Never. Not even if she cheats on you. A girl is not your property. She's a human being. She is just as important as you. She is your equal. And her wishes and feelings are just as valid as yours. All you can do is treat her nice, and hope she wants to be with you. If she chooses to be with you, great! If not, or if she chooses to leave you at some point, you have to let her go. You have no right to stop her. You don't own her, and you don't have the r
ight to tell her what to do. She's your partner. Not your servant, not your sex slave, and not your punching bag.
But you're not her punching bag either. You don't have to let her hurt you. If she treats you like garbage, if she shows you nothing but disrespect, then walk away from her. Find someone who treats you better. Nobody has the right to abuse you, as my friend George always said.
Anyway, Nicole and I went into the bedroom, and she took her clothes off. She was really shy. She thought she wasn't as pretty as the girls I was used to, and she didn't measure up. She apologized for the scars on her leg. I hadn't even noticed them. She was beautiful. Once she was naked, she covered her breasts and pussy with her hands and giggled nervously. Then she jumped under the covers next to me. I knew this was really scary and stressful for her. I gently asked her, if she still wanted to go through with this. She said yes, with a timid smile.
I asked her to suck me, and she did. I felt like I didn't have sex in months. She made me feel really good, and I would have cum in her mouth soon, but I wasn't sure if that was ok, and I didn't want to gross her out. And I really wanted to know what her pussy felt like, so I asked her to lie down. I got on top of her, and we kissed while I slowly pushed myself inside of her. I concentrated on how I felt while being inside of her. I felt really content and happy. I could have stayed like this with her forever. She was so warm and soft. We didn't just have sex. We cuddled, while I was inside of her.
The Heroin Scene in Fort Myers Page 27
