by Rikke Barfod
I didn’t understand that. I knew trolls didn’t really exist. I hoped. ‘I didn’t know grown-ups played games too. Is that the same trolls who smashed the bust of Wagner, and burned the synagogue? I heard you talking about it’. But Doctor Heinz laughed, ‘I think these are different ones. We just don’t want to meet them on the way’.
Mutti’s new hair felt all straight and silky. It made you sneeze from the smell of moth balls. Doctor Heinz wrapped the whole of my head in bandages. It was very tight and smelled of more hospital. After dinner Doctor Heinz gave me a pill so I shouldn’t be sick in the car.
I slept most of the way. At one point I half woke up, because Pappi was squeezing my hand very, very hard. The car had stopped. I coughed when the cold night air came in through the open window. Rough, commanding voices came from outside and Pappi whispered to me, ‘Police. Be very quiet’. I felt Pappi’s fear through his hand clasping mine. I didn’t understand why he was scared.
I heard Doctor Heinz saying something about patients and an accident. Then the car started again. ‘Phew that was close’, said Pappi. ‘what was close’? I murmured and went back to sleep.
‘It’s morning’, Pappi said when we stopped again. It’s still dark. I want to see. ‘Can’t we take the bandages off now’? I ask. But Doctor Heinz answered, ‘You’ll have to wait a little’. He was speaking with another man, who had a very hoarse voice, like he had a cold. This other man said ‘So that’s the samples you said you were bringing to show me.’
I didn’t know what he was talking about. He said his name was Doctor Franck. Doctor Heinz said, ‘I thought that since you’re the harbour doctor … Doctor Franck laughed: ‘I see. Where are they going?’ Pappi answered, ‘We’re hoping to go to Denmark.’
‘Why are we going to Denmark’? I asked, but nobody answered.
Doctor Frank kept talking, saying ‘you’re in luck then, it so happens that Captain Petersen is in the harbour. I think he’s sailing today’.”
It must have been really odd being transported around. I don’t understand why they had to go to Denmark. I look at Mum. She still holds Ursula tightly. Mum’s breathing comes very fast. I turn my eyes to where a small spider is scuttling across the floor.
“We went into that Doctor Franck’s house. Mutti held my hand going up the stairs. Then Doctor Heinz kissed me and gave me a large chocolate bar and said, ‘I have to drive back now. Ingela and her mother and sister are waiting for me. Have a safe journey’.
Doctor Franck also left. Mutti helped me to a chair. It was very hard to sit on. I didn’t know what to do in that house. Everything was so dark, even if I sometimes could see shapes and colours swirling behind the bandages. Mutti gave me my doll Charlotte to hold. A rustling lady with squeaky shoes came in. She smelled of rye bread. Her voice sounded like the high end of the piano. ‘Would you like me to show you to the bathroom?’ She asked. ‘Afterwards we’ll have some breakfast.’ Then she laughed because my stomach had just given a big rumble. The lady – I can’t remember her name – gave us a very nice breakfast. Pappi didn’t say much.
Doctor Franck came back. He said everything was in order. ‘We have to play more games’, he told me. ‘You’ll have to dress up in my boy’s clothes, how’s that?’ ‘But I don’t like wearing boy’s clothes!’ ‘You know we have to make sure that those trolls can’t recognize you’, he said.
The clothes smelled clean. The shirt had many buttons and the waistcoat felt strange. The trousers were too long. I stumbled when I tried to walk. ‘It doesn’t matter’, Doctor Franck said, ‘Captain Petersen will carry you.’
Then the door opened and fresh air came into the room with another man. They told me this was Captain Petersen. Him and Mutti and me were to go to the captain’s ship together. And Pappi would come later. I didn’t like that one bit. Even if I wasn’t quite sure about the Troll thing, I didn’t want them to catch Pappi!”
I don’t get this story about trolls, but mum’s face shows me that I must not interrupt.
Chapter 11
Ursula
November 1938
“That Doctor Franck drove Mutti and me and the captain to the habour. When we got out of the car, the captain lifted me up and carried me. He smelled of tobacco and hair oil. The buttons on his jacket and some funny pointed things on his shoulders dug into my cheek. The wind was sharp and freezing and Mutti put a blanket around me.
I heard voices approaching and Mutti saying ‘Oh no, here they come!’ ‘Don’t worry,’ the captain said, ‘..they’re just harbour police’. He held me even tighter. I heard him telling the police that I was his boy who had hit his head and had been to the doctor. And this was his wife. I couldn’t understand why he was telling such fibs. But he had a nice voice. It sounded a bit like the voice of our neighbour’s dog. The police people chatted a bit with him about the weather and we walked on.”
It is just like seeing a film. It must have been so scary, but Ursula couldn’t have realized all that was happening at the time, could she? I don’t really understand much of it, either.
“I could hear swooshing from the waves hitting the ship. The sea smelled salty and a nice smell of fried potatoes hit my nose. The captain carried me a long way up some stairs and sat me down on a soft chair in a room. ‘Stay here for a bit. I have to be off now, doing captain things’, he told me. I felt panic rising and cried, ‘Pappi, where’s Pappi’? and the captain answered quickly, ‘he’ll come. When he does, we’ll have some food. Do you like lamb cutlets?’ He left. I sat there. The boy’s trousers scratched my legs and everything was still dark. I started crying.
‘Don’t cry,’ Mutti said. ‘It’s bad for your eyes.’
‘Can’t I have my own clothes, now?'
'We had to leave them. You’ll get some new ones in Denmark, won’t that be nice?’ I didn’t think it would be.”
I can’t help it. I have to interrupt: “Why did you have to leave your clothes behind?”
“I didn’t understand either. Later Pappi told me that we couldn’t carry anything, if we were pretending to be the captain’s wife and son. Mutti came and sat close to me. ‘I’ll read you a story. That nice Doctor Franck gave me some small books for you. See’?
I can’t see with all those bandages! Couldn’t she understand I wanted the bandages off? Instead Mutti put a book in my hands and said: ‘Feel, then’.
‘What’s the good of that? I can’t see the pictures!’
Mutti started reading. It was a good story about a small dragon who couldn’t find his mother. Mutti described the pictures. When she finished the story, she helped me explore the room. The windows were round with odd little handles. Strange instruments lay on a table. All the furniture was fixed against the walls. It was really easy to walk around.
A little later someone knocked on the door. Mutti called to them to come in. When I heard his voice, I knew it was Pappi. I ran to him. He lifted me up. He wasn’t wearing his own clothes. I didn’t like the new ones. They scratched and smelled of oil; he said he was also playing a game. He was pretending to be a sailor. I felt his hair. It had been cut completely short. It felt like he was wearing his hairbrush.
Captain Petersen came back and Pappi said ‘thank you’ for lending him the clothes and he hoped the second mate would not be in trouble.
‘I think it will be all right’, Captain Petersen said and added ‘I thought your wife and Ursula could stay here in my cabin and you and I can bunk together’.”
“I don’t understand, why did your father have to cut his hair?” I ask.
Ursula smiles a little. “Later, Isaac, my cousin in Denmark, told me how one of the sailors had met Pappi in a harbour café and given him a passport and some sailors’ clothes and cut his hair. That’s why the harbour police thought Pappi belonged to the ship.”
“What about the other sailor then?”
“Isaac told me that he pretended to be drunk and couldn’t find his passport. The captain had scolded him, shout
ing at him from the bridge; the harbour police thought it all hilarious.
Soon after Pappi came, the ship began to shudder and a big long boom shook the air. Mutti said it was a siren and that now we were sailing. Everything rattled and shook. ‘Now, we are out in open sea’, Pappi said, ‘Let’s get this big bandage off you’. I felt he took the biggest bandages off but then stopped. ‘I want the bandages off my eyes too!’
‘You’ll have to wait until we get to Denmark’, Pappi said. I stamped my foot: ‘Why are we going to Denmark? I don’t want to go!’ ‘Because the trolls can’t find us there’, Mutti said.
‘I am scared of trolls. Are they the big ones?’ I asked. ‘No, not really,’ I could hear a smile in Pappi’s voice. ‘We are going to stay with Auntie Hannah and Uncle Ruben and your cousin Isaac in Denmark. You remember Isaac?’
‘No, I don’t. And I want to stay in our own house!’
I began to sniffle – too much was happening. Pappi sat me on his shoulders and galloped around until I couldn’t help giggling. Then he said, ‘Leah, maybe you should take your wig off so you’ll look like my wife again’. Mutti answered, ‘..and maybe then you can perform some magic and grow back your hair.’ Pappi laughed. ‘It will take a bit of time, I’m afraid’.”
I look at Mum. She is totally engrossed in Ursula’s story. I shift a bit on the chair and continue listening.
“We had a nice dinner with lots of desserts. It was difficult eating, though, because the plates kept on rattling and I had to hold on to my glass. It kept sliding away. Fortunately, the table had a ledge all around it, so things couldn’t fall off on to the floor.
There were many noises on the ship. It shook all the time. It was nice sleeping in Captain Petersen’s bed. He told me that rooms on a ship were called cabins. Pappi slept in another cabin with the captain. Mutti said the ship’s name was Charlotte, like my doll. I was very sad that I’d had to leave her behind with that Doctor Franck.
In the morning I went outside on the deck with Mutti. The wind was very wet and salty and so strong that I could lean against it. I was a bit scared that I might fly away. We heard lots of birds screeching. Mutti said they were seagulls. They could smell the ship coming. We were almost in Denmark.
The ship vibrated and clanged even more, and the siren boomed out again. ‘Now we are in Copenhagen, in Denmark’, said Mutti in a happy voice and she gave me a big hug. I didn’t understand why she was happy. I just wanted to go home. Mutti helped me down some funny stairs and then Uncle Ruben, Auntie Hannah and Isaac came and kissed us. Not Isaac, of course. He must have been around ten.
‘Why are you wearing boys’ clothes and why do you have a bandage on your eyes’? he asked me.
‘We had to leave my dress behind’ I told him. ‘I don’t know why, and some glass fell into my eyes, but soon the bandage will be taken off and I will see again’.
Captain Petersen told us to go and talk to the customs officers. We went into a room. There were many people all talking peculiar. I heard somebody saying ‘Kristallnacht’ – only it didn’t sound proper. Uncle Ruben talked to them in strange words. ‘Mutti, can I take the bandage off now. I also want to see the crystal night.’ Everybody stopped talking. Then uncle Ruben said we should go to his hospital. I didn’t know he had a hospital.
At the hospital – it smelled the same as Doctor Heinz’s place – someone with a deep voice booming like a double bass said, ‘I am professor Hammer. Shall we take the bandage off, little girl’? He spoke properly at least. He had nice soft hands. They smelled like Mutti’s cream. He took the bandages off. I felt the heat when he shone a light in my eyes. He said something to Uncle Ruben and Mutti started crying.
‘Why is Mutti crying’?
‘Mutti is sad because of your eyes’, Pappi said. ‘Why? My eyes will be well soon’. Then Pappi lifted me up. He held me so tight, I almost cried. Then he said those dreadful words, ‘Ursula Matoki, sweetie, you must be a big girl and listen carefully. The professor has just said that your eyes will never be good again’.
‘No!’ I screamed. ‘You are making it up. I shall see’! I tore at the bandages; the professor had put them back on. The professor lifted me up on his knees and said quietly, ‘little girl, I am afraid you father is right’.
I kicked and screamed, ‘It is not true. You’re lying.’ It’s years ago. But I still remember how I felt like falling into a deep, black hole. I didn’t want to talk, I didn’t want sweets; I didn’t want anything. I wanted my eyes back.”
Mum tightens her arms around Ursula. She shakes her head at me, when I open my mouth to say something.
Chapter 12
Ursula
Copenhagen
1938-1939
“I couldn’t stop crying in the car on the way to Uncle Ruben and Auntie Hannah’s place.
Everything was wrong. People spoke oddly – also Isaac and his parents. They put me in a room that smelled of dust and forgotten flowers. Mutti said that this was going to be our room.
I fell asleep on the soft cushions. When I woke up, I didn’t know where I was. What was this velvet cushion doing here? Why didn’t I have a pillow – and why wasn’t I wearing nightclothes? I didn’t dare to move and screamed at Mutti to come. She came running.
‘Where am I? Where’s my pillow and ...’ ‘We’re safe in Denmark, she said. ‘We’re at Auntie Hanna’s house. Come and eat. You must be hungry’.
I didn’t know if I was hungry, but I felt safe when Mutti put her arms around me. She held my hand and we walked along an endless corridor to the dining room. I trailed my other hand along the walls. There were so many doors in that corridor. I wanted to see. I didn’t want to learn how to find out where the toilet or the kitchen was. I cried a lot.”
It must have been so super scary. Plumped down somewhere you couldn’t see and didn’t know. Or understand the language.” I try to imagine it. The images coming from Ursula are just dark swirling shapes.
Ursula nods at me, “Yes that’s how it was.
One day Cousin Isaac came into our room. ‘Why do you cry all the time’? he asked me. ‘It is bloody irritating.’ ‘Because I can’t see, Dummkopf. I want my eyes back’!’ I shout angrily. But he just said, ‘Well you can’t, can you? Want to play Ludo’? I could hear him kicking at a chair leg.
‘How can I, when I can’t see’? I asked peevishly.
‘I’ll put an elastic band on your counter, so you can feel it. What colour do you want’?
I thought about it. It might be nice doing something for a change, so I answered, ‘Red’
We played. It wasn’t too difficult. I could feel the eyes of the dice and Isaac helped me. Later he also helped me explore the flat after I had fallen over a chair. So many rooms; big and small. At least twelve. He also showed me the way around the kitchen.
‘Now you can get the milk yourself, from the icebox’, he said. ‘You don’t need to ask anybody’. He took my hand and led me to a cupboard. ‘The cups are here’, he said. ‘Feel’.
Anna, the maid, was nice. She talked in a funny dialect.
‘She smells’, I whispered to Isaac.
‘She rather does, doesn’t she, but you can always scrounge a cookie from her’.
I learned the routine of the house. When Anna began clattering in the kitchen, I knew it must be morning. I hated the days when Mrs. Olsen came to clean. She moved everything around. I had to walk very carefully in the house. They gave me a cane. The only time I used it inside the house was when Mrs. Olsen was there; or I would fall over chairs standing where they were not supposed to be.
Mum and I smile at each other. It sounds so every-day-normal.
After many months I learned how to feel for everything. Mutti sighed a lot and when she cuddled me her face was often wet. She kept saying: ‘We should have remained at home in Heidelberg. What are we doing here’? Pappi didn’t say much. He walked back and forth in our room. One of the floor boards creaked.
He began to lau
gh and to talk again after Uncle Ruben helped him get a job restoring furniture in a museum. He also started learning Danish. They got me a tutor, Morten. He came every day to teach me Danish. It was fun learning and it was easy. So many words were the same as in German. I got much better than Pappi. Mutti didn’t want to learn Danish. She just sighed and said: ‘What can I use it for, when we go home?’
I learned to knit too. Auntie Hannah taught me. At first, I didn’t want to learn. ‘It’s not fun when I can’t see the colours’, ‘You can feel them’, Isaac said. ‘Of course, I can’t’! I cried and stomped out of the room. But Isaac followed me. He put something soft in my hands.
‘Stop being a cry-baby. Try feeling this. What colour does it feel like’? Against my will I tried to feel with the tips of my fingers. ‘It feels blue’, I said grudgingly. ‘And this one’? He put another ball of yarn in my hand. This was actually fun. ‘Maybe you can smell what colour it is’, he said. I put my nose into the yarn. It felt like wool. ‘It smells red’.
‘There you are’, said Isaac. ‘You can do it. Just take your time’. With that he bolted out of the door. I heard his footsteps on the stairs, two at a time. He was probably going outside to play with his friends.
Suddenly, there were many things I could do. It became much easier moving around. I somehow sort of felt the empty spaces where there were no furniture in a room, so I knew where to walk. They gave me some glasses to wear, so people didn’t notice my eyes when I was out in the streets.
Some days, I went outside to play in the playground with Mutti. She fussed all the time when I was going down the slide or up the climbing frame. It was much more fun being outside with Isaac when he had time. He taught me to climb trees.”
That must be uncanny. I must tell Ellen, I thought, so we can try climbing a tree with closed eyes next time we’re in the forest.
