“You don’t feel very, um, sexy. You feel kinda tired. To me, I mean.”
“You’re very perceptive.”
“Um-hmmm. Okay. Back to cooking for me. You should talk to Marta.”
The smile on my face looks fake, I’m sure. “I fully intend to.”
As if on cue, Marta comes bee-bopping into the kitchen. “Hi, handsome!”
“Hi yourself.” She gives me a hug and then leans back to look in my face. “What’s wrong, honey?”
“You won’t believe me when I tell you.”
“Try me.”
“After we eat. It’s a long story.”
She twirls a strand of her hair around her finger. “I’ve got plenty of time for stories.”
I try to help Angela clean up after dinner, but she stares at me like I’m possessed. “No, honey, you just go on in there with my baby. I got this, really. Go. Scoot.”
Marta’s in the living room with a glass of wine in her hand. She grins as she says, “I’d offer you a glass, but for some reason I get the feeling you drinking right now would be a mistake.”
“Huge mistake.”
She waits. When I don’t begin, she asks, “Dave, baby, what’s wrong? You look like somebody tore your heart out and stomped on it.”
“I did. It was me. I tore my own heart out and stomped on it.” My hands have started to shake. I can’t hide anything from Marta, and I knew I was coming over here to talk to her, but talking out loud about what’s happened is going to be harder than I ever dreamed. “So I met a woman. A homeless woman. She was living out by the dumpster at the club.”
“Yes. Clint told me about that.”
“Well, I took her home with me. Got her straightened out, cleaned up, secure and cozy. Helped her do something she really needed to do. And fell in love with her.”
“Yeah?”
“And then I made her leave.”
Marta takes a sip of wine before she says, “I get the impression that a lot of things happened between the falling in love and the pushing her away.”
“They did.” And it happens. It all starts pouring out of me like water, spilling everywhere, wetting everything down, gushing out like a broken main, threatening to drown me. I finish with, “And when I walked away in the airport, I knew I was walking away from a woman who’d grown up because of the horrible way I’d treated her. I sent her away, Marta. I broke her heart and mine too.” Without warning, the real, honest to god waterworks start, the tears falling so fast I can’t hope to mop them up. Marta moves to sit beside me and puts an arm around my shoulder.
“Dave, I want to ask you something.”
I’m sobbing and still manage to choke out, “O-o-o-kay?”
“Baby, if you could do anything differently, what would it be?”
“To never fall in love with her or tell her that I love her.”
Marta snorts. “That’s a bald-faced lie.”
I straighten and wipe my eyes. “No! It’s not! If that hadn’t happened, neither of us would’ve gotten hurt.”
She gives me the evil eye. “Admit it: You fell in love with her the minute you saw her.”
My brow furrows. “I did not! That’s not at all what . . .”
“David Nathaniel Adams! Do not lie to me. Don’t think you can. Remember who you’re talking to. Now, I’m going to ask you again, and I want you to think about your answer instead of just giving me some flippant mumbo-jumbo that’s just bullshit. If you could do anything differently, what would it be?”
My mind goes in fifty different directions, and then it settles on one very clear truth. It’s hard for me to admit, but I have to. Almost reverently, I say, “I would’ve stopped seeing her as a homeless woman I was helping and respected her as a person.”
Marta slaps my knee. “And the truth shall set you free.”
I feel the weight of fifty elephants lift from my shoulders. That was it, in a nutshell. And it was so ironic. I knew how she lost everything, and it was through no fault of her own. It was most certainly not from stupidity or laziness. If anything, she deserved my respect for managing to survive as long as she had. She’d slogged on through being shelterless, cold, wet, hot, hungry, sexually abused, and more things I probably couldn’t even imagine, and still made it with some shred of dignity. I should’ve celebrated her resiliency, not played on her insecurities. She deserved to wear the labels “strong” and “determined,” and instead I’d branded her as weak and powerless.
What a fool. The woman I’d waved goodbye to at the airport was the real Olivia. She’d just needed some help coming back from the dark corners she’d been shoved into by poverty and despair. She wasn’t the woman I’d originally met; that had just been an automaton existing on auto pilot, an empty shell that needed to be filled. The real Olivia was a lovely, intelligent, well-educated woman.
Woman. She was a woman, and I’d treated her like some petulant child when she needed to do what was right. My tirade at her the day of the shooting hadn’t been because I was worried about her – it had been because I was embarrassed that the possibility of her being hurt made me afraid. And my response was to push her away so I wouldn’t have to face those feelings again. I’d made a yet another hideous mistake.
I only have one saving grace, and that’s sending her away to a better life. She would’ve gladly stayed with me where I would’ve continued to treat her in the same condescending way. At least now she has a chance to make a good life for herself with someone who’ll treat her the way she needs to be treated. It’s all swirling through my head, and all I can manage to say is, “Oh, god, Marta, I messed up so bad.”
“You sent away the love of your life, didn’t you?”
All I can do is nod and sob. That’s exactly what I’ve done, and I can’t undo it. She’s gone. And for her sake, it’s got to stay that way.
We’ve always had such a good relationship, and now all Clint’s managing to do is be civil to me. He doesn’t talk to me while we’re looking over the menu, even though I try to make small talk. All he does is grunt. Once we’ve managed to order our food, I try again. “Clint, I just want to tell you how sorry I am for everything I’ve done and the ways I’ve acted. I was horrible, and I regret it all so much that you wouldn’t believe it.”
“Just answer me one question.” His voice is coated in venom. “Do you love her or not?”
“I do love her.”
“Then why? Why did you do the things you did? Say the things you said? Rip her apart like that?”
“I ripped myself apart too.”
“I don’t give a shit what you did to yourself. I’m talking about her. Get your head out of your ass and tell me the truth.”
I straighten my back and try to gather my courage. “Your mom asked me what I would do differently if I could change things.”
“And?” he asks as he drums his spoon on the tablecloth.
“I had to think about it, but I decided that it would’ve been to respect Olivia as a person instead of pitying her as a homeless girl.”
His eyes fly open wide. “Well, maybe there’s hope for you after all.”
“Thank you.”
“It wasn’t meant as a compliment.”
I chuckle. “These days, I’ll take what I can get.”
“I think that’s wise.” He takes a sip of his water and sets the glass down before he speaks again. “Are you going to stay in touch with her?”
“I don’t think that would be good for her. I’d love to, but I don’t think I should. I’m sure she’s doing well, and I’d only drag her back into all of my shit.”
“So describe your shit to me.”
I shrug. “I don’t know. My shit.”
He sits back and gives me a hard look. “Okay. Let’s define your shit. You have a house but no one in it with you.”
“Yeah.”
“You have a club, but it doesn’t really belong to you.”
Ouch. “Yeah, that’s right.”
“You have pl
enty of sex with women you never wake up with in the morning.”
I take a deep breath and let it out in a big sigh. “Yeah. I suppose so.”
“You eat alone and you sleep alone. You shop alone. You work alone for the most part.”
“All true.”
“So, to recap: You’re alone with no prospect of being anything but. And you had a woman, a smart, funny, beautiful, capable woman who loved you and wanted to spend the rest of her life with you, and you gave all that up and broke her heart because you couldn’t control everything she did.”
That truth hits me like a ton of bricks. “Yes. That’s exactly right.”
“But you have those women at the club, plenty of them, women who’ll do exactly as you say when you say it and never question you, and you don’t want them.”
“Wait . . .”
“So, Dave, what exactly do you want? Do you even know?”
When I told her that I was a Dominant looking for a permanent sub, I remember as clear as day what she said to me: I don’t think that’s what you really want either. “Oh, god.”
“Uh-huh. Thought so.” He waits for a few minutes of excruciating reality to soak in before he says, “You had exactly what you wanted, what you needed. And you pushed her away because you didn’t think she was the right person. You’ve worn labels for so long that you couldn’t look past the labels to your heart and see what you were yearning for.”
“Oh, god. And now it’s too late.”
“Yes. It is.”
My eyes snap to his. “Have you talked to her at all?”
“Yeah. She’s doing very well. They enrolled her in dental hygienist classes, and she thinks she’s going to like that field. The dormitories are more like apartments, and she’s got her own place. They have a shuttle that goes everywhere, but they’re going to help her get her license again so she can drive when she finally gets out on her own.”
“How long ago did you talk to her last?”
He shakes his head as he stares at his silverware. “Trish heard from her yesterday via a chat program.”
I’m shaking all over, and I can’t stop. “Does she ask about me?”
He turns sad eyes up to mine. “She doesn’t even mention you. It’s like you never existed. I think she’s just trying to protect herself, but we all decided that unless she asks, we’re not mentioning you either. She doesn’t deserve to be dragged back into this, this, this muck.”
Now I’m feeling desperate. “Could I call out there and talk to her?”
“No. They don’t allow calls in and, even if they did, I don’t think it would be a good idea. You need to just leave her alone.”
We’ve had our food for twenty minutes, but I’m having a hard time eating because I can’t swallow. Everything seems to stick in my throat. We talk about Trish and the kids, Steffen and Sheila and their kids, and the club. He tells me that Bruce’s deal to buy The Catacombs fell through and that they’d all like to come back to Bliss but they’re still too mad at me. “You should call him and apologize.”
“I will.” After a big, deep sigh, I ask him, “And what about you? Can you forgive me? I love you, Clint. Regardless of your DNA, you’re my son, and I miss all of you. I was scared and tired and pissed, and I said and did a lot of things I’m ashamed of now. I’ve never acted that way before, and you know it. This whole thing made me kinda crazy, and I’m really sorry.”
“I’m working on it,” he says, and then adds, “Dad.” Relief hits me instantly, and I know we can fix what happened between us. “You need to talk to Steffen too. He’s really disappointed in you.”
“I’m really disappointed in myself.”
“That’s a good place to start.”
Something tickles my mind and I remember to ask, “What happened with the court case?”
“Olivia helped the police identify the other men she knew were involved in the murders, rapes, all of that. They rounded them all up. When the detectives started talking to them, they all named each other and even some more officers Olivia had never run across. They’re pretty sure they got them all, and without Falco to make them feel bulletproof, they all caved and pleaded guilty. Four for second-degree murder, one for first-degree murder, and the rest on an assortment of charges. And they’ll never work in law enforcement again.”
“Good. I’m glad they got what they deserve. And Detective Roberts’ family?”
“Having a hard time, but damn proud of him. He was a good guy trying to do a good thing. I was honored to have known him even just slightly.” He takes another swig of water and then says, “I guess I’d better get back to work.” The look he gives me is sad. “By the way, I’ve missed you. We’ve always been close, and I felt like I didn’t even know you anymore.”
“I was a stranger to myself.”
“I can see that. I love you and I only want good things for you.”
That makes me chuckle. “That sounds like a dad talking to his son.”
“Yeah, well, it is what it is.” He stands and when I reach to shake his hand, he opens his arms to me. The embrace is like a big, warm sugar cookie to my soul, and it’s sweet and just right.
I know right then what I need to do. I have to get some help, get my head on straight, and then try to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. There’s not a lot of it left, and I need to make the most of it.
I’m unlocking the car door when I hear footsteps and find him rushing up to me. “I almost forgot. She mailed us a card and sent this in it, asked us to give it to you.”
“What is it?”
He shrugs. “I have no idea. See you later.”
I look at the little envelope before I toss it on the seat. It taunts me there all the way home, and I can’t run fast enough to get inside and read it. It’s a beautiful card with her artwork all over it, little birds in flowering trees by a cottage in the woods and I realize: The cabin. Oh god. When I open the card and start to read, I have to sit down because my legs are trembling so badly. As I try to digest the words, I feel like all the air is being sucked out of the world.
Dear Dave,
When you get this, I’m sure I’ll be busy doing something or other in my new life. It’s been fun and exciting. I’m meeting new people, all kinds of new people. My apartment is cute, and I’m working on getting my driver’s license! So many good things are happening to me that I can’t believe it.
And I have you to thank. If you hadn’t brought me inside that night, I’d probably be dead now. You gave me hope and a future. And while it wasn’t the future I’d originally wanted, I realize now that it’s probably the future that’s best for me. I never wanted to be with someone who didn’t really want me, and I’m glad I had the good sense not to cling to you like a spoiled child. What you did opened new doors for me, and I thank you for that. I’ll be a stronger, better person because of your generosity.
I’ll never forget being held in your arms. It was the first time in a long time that I felt safe and loved. I know you loved me in your own way. I love you still and I always will – forever. I hope when you think of me, you remember the good times, the fun things, the cabin and the quilt and shopping at the mall.
Have a good life, Dave. Find the person you really love and love her with all your heart. I’m sure someday I’ll find someone I can settle for. But when he kisses me, I’ll always think of you.
Yours forever,
Olivia
I already know I need someone to talk to, a professional, but the thoughts that go through my mind in this moment scare me more than anything I’ve ever known, because the pain is so intense that I imagine what it would be like to die and escape it. Someone has to help me or I’m not going to make it through this. I know that now. I’ve cut out my own heart and destroyed it. Things will never be right again, and there’s nothing I can do but stand back and look at the rubble of my demolished life.
Chapter Ten
“How ya doin’?”
“Pretty good, I gues
s.” I wipe down another glass and place it on the shelf.
“Good. Everything else going okay?” Steffen takes another swallow of his beer and waits.
“Yeah. The doctor is really helping me, I think. It’s just going to take time. But I’m working on it.”
“I’m glad.” He sits and stares into his beer. I know he’s worried about me; I’m worried about me. But I do feel better now, have for the last few days.
Bruce comes through and gives me a bro hug. Gary waves at me from across the room. I look up and Melina is cruising in, so I try to look busy. “Hey, stud, I hear you’re single again. Wanna play tonight?”
“Uh, I don’t think so, sugar. I’m kinda tired.” I keep working, trying to avoid the questions.
“Hey, have I done something to you? You haven’t played with me in months! I’m starting to get a complex.”
“Not you. All me.”
She leans in and whispers conspiratorially, “It’s not that thing, you know, from before, is it?”
“Nah. Just personal stuff, that’s all.”
She grins. “Whew. I’m glad to hear that! I was beginning to think I was losing my appeal!”
“Nope, darlin’. You’re just as hot as ever. It’s just that I’m not.”
Her eyes narrow and she says, “Okay then. If you change your mind, find me.”
“Will do.” I watch her ass cheeks jiggle as she walks away.
“You’ve got to get back in the game sometime, Dave,” Steffen lectures me.
“Yeah. Sometime. Just not now.”
“Fair enough.” He stands and stretches. “I’m going to find that girl of mine. Last time I saw her, she was talking to a new sub trainee over by the St. Andrew’s. Catch up with you later.” He waves as he trots away, and I wave back.
I watch a brunette across the room and think about Olivia. Wonder what she’s doing right now? It’s been three months, twenty-two days – wait, let me look at my watch – seven hours and eighteen minutes since the last time I saw her. The classes she’s taking are probably in full swing. I can just see her sitting in the living room, wearing those pajamas with the butterflies all over them, working a word search puzzle and eating pretzels. Every morning I wake and think I’ll miss her less. Every morning when I think that, I realize I only love her more.
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