by L. P. Maxa
She was Nathan’s salvation, and I was going to be hers. At least for the next two months.
I jutted my chin over my shoulder. “Go change. It’s time for the lake.” I needed her to move away from me, because I didn’t have the willpower to take a step back. She was too gorgeous, and she smelled too enticing.
Savy stared at me, her chest heaving, and my fingers itched to touch her. “Go.” She finally looked down at her tennis shoes, breaking eye contact at my demand and walked past me toward the stairs.
When she was out of sight I let out a sigh of relief. There was no doubt in my mind, I wanted her. I wanted to watch her fall apart in my arms. I wanted to be the only one who got to see her let loose, let go. My desire for her was close to overriding all the reasons I knew I needed to stay away.
***
“When did you get this car?”
Savy had the passenger window down, and her blonde hair was blowing in the breeze. “When I went away to school I left Nathan the Tahoe.” I gripped the steering wheel, trying really hard not to let her affect me. Trying to keep my eyes on the road and not the bikini top peeking out of her demure sundress. “I saw this parked outside the student union and had to have it.” I reached out and petted the dash of my 1969 Dodge Charger. I’d always wanted a muscle car.
“I love it.” She stroked the black leather seat next to her. “When did you start with the tattoos?”
I shrugged. “I wanted to get one to remember my dad.” I pointed to the tat on the back of my arm, love you kid, in his handwriting. “But once I started, I couldn’t seem to stop. It’s addicting.” I didn’t need to be perfect at Northeastern University. I could be whoever I wanted to be now that I was away from my brother. I didn’t have people to distract or a mom to make smile.
“Why didn’t you come home last summer?”
“Why are you so nosy?” I glanced at her, smirking, letting her know I was kidding. The truth was that I loved the freedom and ease of life away from my family. But I was too much of a coward to admit that to her. I’d been enjoying myself while she’d been barely living. “Work. I, uh, shadowed our athletic trainer all last summer.”
She nodded.
“What are the odds my brother will actually head to Yale next year?” I wanted the same for her. I wanted freedom for the beautiful girl sitting next to me. She deserved it. It was more than apparent she was craving it.
“Not good.” She sighed sadly. “Unless I go too.”
“Why Emerson?” I thought I knew the answer to this, it was in the way she made the school sound less than to Nathan. But I wanted to hear her say it out loud and admit it to herself.
“It’s a good school, it’s small. It’s in Boston, which is one of my favorite cities.” She looked out the window, holding her hand out into the breeze. “I didn’t think Nate would follow me there. Not in a million years. A liberal arts school? There isn’t anything for him at Emerson.”
“Except you.” I kept my eyes on the road as I spoke. “You’ll be at Emerson and that’s all he cares about.”
She was silent for a few minutes before she spoke again. “I’m hoping I can still convince him to go to Yale. I’m hoping that you will help me. Your dad went to Yale, and I know that’s why Nate applied.”
“I’ll do what I can. Okay?”
I’d try. I’d do everything I could to help my brother see that Boston wasn’t the place for him. That he was destined for greatness and he needed to live up to his potential. I’d spout all that crap. I’d spout it ’til the cows came home. In the end though, it’d be Savy who’d have to put her foot down. We both knew it.
“Hey, if you really do end up at Emerson, we’ll be neighbors.” I went to Northeastern she’d basically live next door to me.
“I got into Northeastern too, but I figured if you and I were at the same school, there’d be no stopping Nate from joining us.”
“I didn’t know you applied to Northeastern.” Not that I’d have any reason to know. It’s not like we’d been besties before this weekend. We were constantly thrown together because of our families and her closeness with Nathan. For all our years of sharing my brother and propping him up, I’d spent more one-on-one time with Savy over this weekend than I had in my entire life. I knew it was selfish, but I’d been glad that Nathan had someone to occupy his time. Keep him calm. I wasn’t going to do anything to upset the balance Savy helped maintain in our house. I always thought she was great: sweet and kind, but I was more than happy to leave Nathan’s one and only friend to him.
“I applied everywhere.”
“Except Yale.” I made a left down the dirt road that led to the lakeshore.
“I got into Yale.” Her voice was small and quiet, almost like she was afraid to say those words too loud. Afraid that somehow Nathan would hear her whispers from miles and miles away.
I glanced at her quickly, taking in the way her eyes were trained on her lap. “You got into Yale? That’s a really big accomplishment, Savy. Congratulations.”
She smiled. “Thanks.”
Savy was brilliant, and she’d gotten into every school she’d applied to, even Yale. But she couldn’t celebrate it. She couldn’t shout her accomplishments from the rooftops. Nope. She had to whisper them inside the safety of my car. She was shrinking herself to get away from her best friend.
That was the saddest thing I’d heard yet.
I turned my attention back to the road and we drove the rest of the way in silence. I pulled up along the tree line and parked my car out of the way where it wouldn’t get hit by some drunk kid trying to find their way out. The lake was crawling with people. There was a beer pong table, several mostly naked sun bathers, and two tapped kegs side-by-side. I’d been out here almost every weekend when I was in high school while Savy had spent every weekend at home doing whatever Nathan wanted to do.
“You ready to have some fun?”
I watched in fascination as she took in the chaos around her. The people, the booze, the music. She turned to me, a big grin on her pretty face. “Hell yeah.”
To the best of my knowledge, Savy had never been to a real party. I’d never seen her out drinking stale beer with her peers. Nathan would’ve never agreed to it, and he never would’ve let her go alone.
I watched as she edged toward the crowd, her hands clasped in front of her like she wasn’t sure what to do or how to act. I sipped my beer, at war with myself wondering if I should save her or let her figure this out for herself. I decided to let her be, let her navigate on her own.
What’s that saying, teach a man to fish? Well, this was me, teaching Savy how to be a beautiful eighteen-year old-girl.
She kept glancing over her shoulder, wearing a nervous smile, like she was making sure I was still there. Making sure I hadn’t abandoned her. I wouldn’t leave her, but I wouldn’t do this for her. She had it in her, I knew she did. She craved freedom, and I needed her to grasp it for herself.
She paused at the tapped keg, biting her bottom lip. I smiled as three different guys stepped up to her, offering to get her a drink. She was twisting her fingers, but she nodded and accepted a beer. She was pulled into a larger group, and she waved awkwardly at some people she seemed to recognize. I couldn’t help but smile as I watched. Like a pretty fawn, taking her first steps, Savy was discovering her legs.
Fast forward, I was basically having to keep the dudes away with a baseball bat. Savy was playing beer pong with another bikini clad chick, and kicking ass. I sat on my buddy Max’s tailgate, keeping a watchful eye on her. She was here to let loose and have fun, not lose her fucking virginity. Suddenly her newfound outgoing personality was less adorable and more worrisome.
Max came out of the woods with a brunette chick tucked under his arm and a satisfied smirk on his face. “Is that Savannah Nightingale?”
“Yep.”
He sent his companion packing with a playful smack on her ass and then held his fist out for a bump. “Nathan know she’s here?”
I handed him a cup of beer. Max and I had graduated together and had kept in touch even though we went to school on opposite coasts. He’d been one of my best friends in high school and I liked getting to see him on the rare occasions we were home at the same time. “Nope.”
He winced. “He’s going to kick your ass, bro.” Max knew my brother. We’d been friends since the fourth grade. He knew how Nathan was with Savy, and how he was with everyone else. “You looking to lose a limb? Going after your brother’s girl is a sure-fire way to do it.”
“First, she’s not my brother’s girl. She’s his best friend. Second, how do you know this is my doing?”
He laughed and slapped me on the back. “I remember what those two were like, and rumor is nothing’s changed. Savannah doesn’t talk to anyone besides Nathan. If anyone tries to get close to her, he gets pissed. The only person with enough balls to go against your brother at this point is you. The only semi-sane reason for you to go against him is if you’re tapping that.”
I shoved him to the side. “I’m not tapping that. Who the hell says that anymore?” Though, he did have a point. No one would go against Nathan, not even Savy until I’d convinced her to. “Savy needs to learn to party before she starts college, and Nathan is at work today.”
I should feel guilty sneaking around behind my little brother’s back. I sort of did, but Savy’s admission in the car, the way she’d kept getting into Yale and Northeastern from him made some of that guilt evaporate. Savy needed to breathe. She needed my help.
“Besides, what he doesn’t know won’t kill him.”
“No, but what he finds out might kill you.”
I shot Max a look and then downed my lukewarm beer. “Then you better keep your mouth shut, yeah?” I hopped off the tailgate and headed in the direction of the keg. I decided to allow myself two beers. The last thing I needed was to get pulled over with Savy in the car.
I watched her while I refilled my cup. She was laughing with her hand on her bare stomach, the sound nothing short of pure magic. The guys were drawn to her like moths to a flame. They couldn’t seem to look away. I should’ve gone back to Max. I should’ve sat my happy ass on his tailgate until Savy was ready to go home. But I didn’t. Call me a moth.
“Looks like you’re having a good time.”
She reached out and rested her hand on my shoulder, her touch somehow making it hard to swallow. “I am having the best time, Jer. Thank you so much for bringing me.” All the girls were in bikinis, but no one looked as good as Savy. She was tall and thin, her stomach flat and her hips narrow.
“You want to go for a swim?” The words spilled out of my mouth, unchecked. I couldn’t take them back, could I?
“Yeah.” She picked up her long blonde hair off her neck, fanning herself. “It’s getting really hot out here.”
I was getting hot too, and it had absolutely nothing to do with the weather. Savy’s smiles, her newfound happiness, and her friendly touches were a deadly combination to my vow to be her friend and allow her a space to let loose.
We walked side-by-side down to the shoreline and waded in. Neither of us spoke as we both sank down to our knees, letting the cool water wash over our heated skin. Her hand brushed my stomach and I jerked back like I’d been shot.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean…”
I shook my head. “No. I...didn’t, uh, I thought you were a fish.”
I thought you were a fish? Seriously? Come on, man.
“Crap. I left my drink on the table.” She looked behind me, searching the shore.
“Here. You can have mine.” Yep. Please put your lips where mine have been, because that won’t make not touching you any harder. For the love of everything holy, I was a glutton for punishment.
“Thank you.” I watched like a creeper as she took a sip from my cup, her mouth as it touched the cup’s rim, then, as she took a sip, I was engrossed at the movement of her throat as she swallowed. I was hard as a rock underneath this water. I was going to have to stay in here until the sun went down.
She handed back my drink and our hands touched. I closed my eyes and bit the inside of my cheek. What was happening to me? I wasn’t a kid. I’d been with tons of girls. I knew how to control myself. But fuck if Savy didn’t turn me on with every little thing she did. Every smile, ever accidental touch, every stolen look. I was playing with fire. I’d set out today to let her have fun. Nothing more. But the longer I was around her, and the more she let down the walls she’d erected, the harder it was to resist.
“We should head home soon,” I told her.
Her easy grin fell. “Oh, uh, okay.”
“Nathan will be getting off work and I really don’t want him to find out about this.” God I sounded like a pussy, afraid of my younger brother. I kept teetering between not giving a fuck and fucking terrified. It was pathetic, and I knew it.
“I understand.” She looked down and trailed her fingers through the water, the small ripples fanning outward until they faded back under the surface. “Thank you for doing this for me. I know what the consequences could be for you.”
I hated taking away her joy. I hated I was ruining her fun, I hated that I’d shown her a glimpse of what life could be without Nathan and now I was delivering her back to him. I wanted so badly for things to be different. For all of us.
“I’m sorry,” I muttered. I was sorry because I wished like hell I could do more, give her more.
“It’s not so bad.” She took my cup and drained it dry. “Nate isn’t a monster. He’s my best friend.” She was back tracking again, letting her guilt override her sense of self-preservation. I wouldn’t allow it.
Maybe I couldn’t give her freedom, I couldn’t give her back the years she’d lost, but I could give her a safe space where she didn’t have to profess everything was okay when it wasn’t. A space where her guilt didn’t have to exist.
“You don’t have to pretend around me. You can be you. You can be tired. You can be irritated and angry and willful. Be wild. Be reckless and loud. Complain, throw a fit. Scream, cry, laugh, curse. Do it all. You be the one to lose control for a change. I’ll be right here to make sure you get it back.”
That was the least I could do for her. Being my brother’s keeper had put her in an emotional and social straight jacket. She deserved to be out of control, she deserved to be young. Our parents, and yes, me too, had kept her from being able to be a kid, a goofy tween, and a beautiful teenage girl. It was a wonder she hadn’t combusted from the isolation.
I’d moved closer to her with every word I’d spoken until our chests were touching. I hadn’t meant to get so close. It seemed my body had a mind of its own when it came to her.
She was breathing heavily, her face was flushed, and her lips were parted. Damn. She was excited and fuck if that didn’t make my dick even harder. Her gaze searched mine, and she held me in a trance. I knew what she was waiting for and I wanted to give it to her so damn bad. I couldn’t, so I looked over her shoulder, breaking the contact, too afraid of the consequences.
I heard her let out a small sigh. “Okay. I will,” she murmured.
She stood and walked past me and out of the water like a freaking swimsuit model heading into the crowd of people dancing on the sandy shoreline. I watched as she made her way into the middle of the group and random guys touched her, danced with her and held her body. Someone handed her another beer and she drank it down fast.
I knew she wasn’t trying to punish or tease me. She was only doing what I’d suggested she do. She was taking my advice. But she wound me tighter with every move she made. I was jealous of the guys who put their hands on her. I was enamored by the look on her face and the fun she was having. I wanted to be right there with her. Beside her. Claiming her as mine.
Damn it.
I could lead her to the good time, but I couldn’t participate. She could lose control, but I couldn’t. As long as I remembered that, we’d both be okay, we’d all survive this summer.
Eventually I made my way to the shore, I untangled her arms from some kid’s neck and held her hand on the way back to my car. She turned the radio up loud and hung her head out the window. She stayed in her bikini, singing along to every song that came through the car’s speakers, looking good enough to eat in her tiny bikini made more obvious against my black leather seats. Savy let go. Savy was free, like I’d told she could be. Free…right up until we drove through the gates of our neighborhood.
The moment the gates closed, shutters came down over her eyes, the light all but leaving them. She reached forward and turned down the volume on the song she’d proclaimed one of her favorites. She sat up straighter and slid her sun dress over her head, straightening it until it covered her swimsuit completely. By the time I parked in my driveway her hair was braided neatly down one shoulder and she had a bottle of water in her hands. The fun-loving Savy was gone, as if she’d never existed at all. In place of the smiling, wild girl I’d witnessed minutes before, was a silent, contemplative photocopy. Not nearly as sharp and vibrant as the original.
I sighed as I turned off the ignition. “I think I like the other Savy better.”
“You know what?” She turned to me, a small sad smile on her perfect pink lips. “I think I do too.”
“Do you want to go to a concert tomorrow night?” I hadn’t intended to invite her out again so soon. The temptation to be with her, even if it was only to be her “guide” was proving to be too great. I’d spoken without thought, without any reservations. I wanted to see her light again. I wanted to be the one to put that spark back into her sweet little soul.
She nodded, fingering the cap on her water bottle. “Yeah.”
“Good. I’ll pick you up at six.”
She threw me a wave before she made her way across the yard separating our houses, trudging through the perfect grass her dad took care of meticulously. He tended our yard too, taking over after my dad died to help out my mom.
