by Glen Robins
Despite his attempts to get over her, he still thought about the beautiful and brilliant Emily Burns every day. In a way, she was the motivating force behind everything he was doing and every goal he was striving for. Impressing her remained a dominant force driving him forward.
In a way, he was very much like that scrawny freshman taking who won the heart of a kind-hearted girl by trying his best against Rick Magliano. All he needed to defeat that opponent was time to build himself up, improve his skills, and an opening to show what he could do with them. Why couldn’t it work again?
Chapter Twelve
Freshman Year—Emily
Harvard University
Cambridge, Massachusetts
Three days. That’s all the time she had between a summer full of travel and her departure for Boston. Three days at home to try to recover from jetlag, do laundry, and say good-bye to her friends.
The summer had been long and tedious, having spent nearly every waking hour with her mother. No cell phone, no internet access, no friends, and no fun. Europe was nothing short of spectacular, but she had grown weary of museums and castles and gorgeous countryside vistas. Every day was a lesson in history or art or architecture. That part was wonderful, and she tried to soak it all in, knowing not every kid got to experience what she was experiencing.
And yet, every day she wondered what was happening back in Huntington Beach.
“Was there any mail for me?” she asked her mother as she entered the kitchen that first morning home.
“I’m afraid not, dear. Just bills and advertisements and invitations for your father and me. Why? Are you expecting something?”
“Well, I thought maybe one of my friends might send me a postcard. Some of them travel, too, you know. I mean, I sent them postcards, so. . .”
“There’s not one single thing for you,” her mother said flatly.
Emily scrunched her eyebrows together and gave her mother a hard look. “Are you sure?”
“Of course, I’m sure. Would you like to see?”
Catherine Burns disappeared into the study only to reappear with a bulging grocery bag full of envelopes, catalogs, and all manner of glossy-paged ads. She dropped it on the kitchen table in front of Emily.
Emily spent half an hour rifling through it all, segregating things into piles by category. When she was finished, she announced to her mother, “There. That should save you some time. Catalogs here. Ads here. Letters with handwritten addresses here. ‘Official’ looking stuff here. Turns out you were wrong,” she said, waving three envelopes with her name on them, trying to keep any hint of contempt out of her tone. Each had a typed address line and a logo of some sort on it. One was from Harvard, which turned out to be a welcome letter and invitation to attend Freshman Orientation. Another from Princeton. The third from the University Science Club, which she hoped to join. None of these brought much joy, however.
“Were you expecting something from someone special?” her mother inquired.
Emily paused. Not lost on her was the fact that her mother asked the same question a second time. She couldn’t help but feel mocked. Something in her mother’s voice had a taunting edge to her tone, like a skilled knife fighter curling an index finger at her opponent and daring her to step in. Emily was in no mood for any more emotional bloodshed at the hands of her mother.
She ignored her taunts and headed up to her room as nonchalantly as possible. She was eager to check her cell phone but didn’t want to give her mother the pleasure of seeing the anticipation. Her mother had insisted that she leave the phone behind so there would be no distractions. Plus, she had reminded Emily, the European networks were different, and her American phone wouldn’t work over there. She had given it back to Emily at the same time she handed her the bag of mail.
Ten weeks of hopeful anticipation simmered just beneath the surface as she waited for the long-dormant phone to come back to life. The little flip phone buzzed and chirped as text and voice message alerts came rolling in. She was desperate to try to patch things up and hoped more than anything that Collin would be able to forgive her, and she would have a chance to repair the damage she had done.
Emily was disappointed, but not entirely surprised, that Collin had not left her a single text message. Nor had he tried to call. She scrolled through the missed calls and texts and saw that her girlfriends must have forgotten that she was traveling all summer. She ignored most of them and stopped at a text from Rob Howell.
Rob had left a cryptic message. “Faith, here it is. Romeo is banished; and all the world to nothing, that he dares ne’er come back to challenge you . . .” It was just like Rob to quote a Shakespearean tragedy to describe his friend’s mood. He followed that with, “Have a great summer.”
Emily’s heart sank. She ached to the very core. Never convinced that her mother was right in her assessment of Collin, Rob’s rebuke stung like nothing ever had. Hot, bitter tears rolled down her cheeks. She had not only lost Collin as a sweetheart but had destroyed her friendships with his loyal, trusted friends.
Emily felt like a monster for having laid waste to Collin’s fragile ego. She wouldn’t blame Collin if he never spoke to her again. But secretly, she had hoped to find letters or texts or voicemails from him when she returned home. It was unlike him to not reach out. Reality settled in like thick concrete as she sat cross-legged on her queen-sized four-poster canopy bed in her immaculate room in her ornate fortress-like house, feeling as trapped and as in need of rescue as Rapunzel in her tower.
The damage was done. There would be no fairy tale fix to what her mother had urged her to break. Now Emily would have to live with the consequences.
All summer long, Katherine Burns had taken every opportunity to indoctrinate her daughter on the nuances of leading a life of higher purpose. It started with associating with people of higher caliber and learning from people of high intellect. “In a life of higher purpose, there is no time to transform the mean into something genteel. Your energies will be best spent in pursuing excellence and achievement. Someone of your keen intelligence and drive would do well to make your mark in the world by producing the life-extending cures you have talked about so often. You can be a savior of sorts to those whose lives are worthy of extension.”
This had been a topic of debate in the Burns household: science and the role it played in saving lives and how that lofty goal was thwarted by the institution of healthcare and the apparatus involved in delivering medical treatments. Emily thought it not fair that only those who could afford lifesaving drugs or who had proper insurance that covered them were availed of the opportunities for so many of the cures being pioneered.
“How do you think our society advanced to this point?” asked her father, putting an end to the conversation. “It’s not because the ‘huddled masses’ paid for it.”
For Emily, there was no winning. Her parents always had a strong argument for their positions and used their superior air and experience to shut down any attempt to controvert their opinions. Whether it was the role of medical science in society, age-old class distinctions and the need for them, or anything to do with the boy she loved, her parents had reasons for their positions based on logic and intellect. The things they said and they way they said them were quite convincing and stoked the conflict between her head and her heart.
No matter what her mother wanted, Emily yearned to call Collin, to beg his forgiveness, and to reconnect. It was hard to focus on packing for college knowing he was just a few minutes away, wanting more than anything to set things right, if possible, before she started her new life. Memories kept crashing through her mind. She couldn’t help but recall the first time he reached out and held her hand and the tingle that ran through her whole body at his touch. Then there was that first kiss. Even now, it made her swoon. But, as good as the happy memories were, her mind took her back to the last thing she said to him and the shock on his face. How could Collin ever forgive her for that?
She sat on the edge
of her bed, head in hands, tears rolling down her cheeks. Her heart hurt. She needed one of his hugs—as well as his forgiveness. Then her mother called to her from downstairs, snapping her back to the terrible reality she was living through.
“Emily, your winter coat is here in the closet. Don’t forget to pack it. And your thick scarf, that cute one we got in Brussels.”
No way would she let her mother see her in this state. It would only lead to more lecturing and more condescension. She had to keep a stiff upper lip, as the British would say, especially in front of Katherine Burns.
Emily cleared her throat and wiped her eyes. “I know, Mother. I will.”
The two days of unpacking, doing laundry, shopping, and re-packing while trying to prepare herself to “move on” were as difficult as any forty-eight hours she had ever lived.
Then, it was off to Boston.
When Emily and her parents arrived at Harvard on move-in day, they were greeted by several of her father’s former colleagues and classmates. A campus tour was arranged and given, along with a special luncheon for the families of alumni with children entering the school.
The feel of the campus electrified Emily. It was a robust environment for an intellectual. Every building, every statue, every tree, teemed with history and tradition and thrummed, as it were, with the current of scholarly brilliance. She was thrilled by it all and stood in awe of the academic giants who graced the halls and adorned the walls of arguably America’s finest university.
The excitement and bustle of moving into the dorms was enough to lift Emily’s mood and kick her lethargy out the window, at least for a short while. There was so much energy and anticipation as a swarm of eighteen-year-old boys and girls from all over the country converged on Hollis Hall, one of seventeen freshman dormitories on campus, but the closest to the Science Center, which would keep Emily from having to trudge long distance through the dreaded cold come winter.
The first week was a blur. Emily became painfully aware from Day One that the expectations were high, the course work rigorous, and the demands stifling. Despite, or maybe because of, the pressure, she and her roommates quickly bonded. Her classmates were more than willing to form study groups to share with and support each other. Emily was quickly swept into the flow of scientific discovery.
Once the excitement wore off, the fascination was replaced by good, old-fashioned work. Long, intense days and nights of cramming to keep up and excel in a place where only the best and brightest sought their higher educational goals. Sheer, dogged determination had always been her hallmark. Harvard required her to double-down on that attribute. Soon, what Emily had once considered her mother’s brutal and mean-spirited outlook began to feel like time-tested wisdom. Her mother had been right about several things, like how much more demanding the coursework was, and how much harder she had to focus. It was true: she did not have time for romance, especially a long-distance one. She was also right about the fact that there was no way someone who hadn’t experienced the harsh reality of competing at this level would understand what she was going through. Trying to explain it to an outsider would be time-consuming and ultimately fruitless.
As the days turned into weeks, which turned into months, Emily began to appreciate how her mother had sought to prepare her for this. Though she hated to admit it, she had come to realize that keeping the bond between her and Collin strong would have overwhelmed her even further.
But she missed him, badly. And the worst part about it was she had no one to confide in, no one to talk to. Her dorm friends were great and kept her active socially, but they, too, were caught up in the thick of schoolwork and extracurricular activities. They, too, were building networks that would determine the trajectory of their lives. She knew from listening to their conversations that none of them had loved a boy the way she loved Collin. Observation taught her that there was not another boy around that could match him in terms of his character, his decency, and his ability to make her laugh.
Lost halfway between regret and relief, Emily continually pushed aside thoughts of what might have been.
October in New England was the stuff of legends and postcards. Emily reveled in her remembrances from childhood when she grew up not far from where she now lived. She loved the treelined streets littered with the glowing hues of autumn on the pavement and the continual cascade of multi-colored leaves fluttering from the treetops at the gentlest stir of a breeze as they buried the New England yards under crinkly piles. These scenes renewed her sense of wonderment and brought a familiar feeling of home. She loved the chill in the air and embraced the beauty of fall while bracing for the onslaught of winter.
By Halloween, Emily had become an expert at deflecting and subjugating her feelings. Time and tests waited for no pre-med student. Her schedule was demanding, stuffed full with eighteen credits. At times, Emily longed for a dose of the camaraderie she had enjoyed in high school. Knowing that Lukas was on campus attending MIT was small consolation, however. After they had each received their acceptance letters and before she had destroyed his best friend, the two of them had talked about how they would see each other and do things together once they got to school in the fall. But any hopes of hanging out with Lukas went up in smoke the night she broke Collin’s heart. Lukas was the most fiercely loyal friend she had ever come across. Anyone who hurt one of his friends was no longer one of his friends. And since Collin was the first to reach out to him when he arrived in Huntington Beach from Austria, all awkward and stiff, and made him feel welcome and included, Lukas would go to his grave defending and protecting Collin Cook. Of course, Collin’s natural cheery temperament, easy smile, and noble spirit made it easy to like him.
She missed her friends. Why couldn’t she have it all, friends and achievement?
With thoughts of her prior life pulling at her, Emily found her grades flagging by the time the Thanksgiving break approached. Thus, studying became more important than socializing, and not necessarily by choice. The long list of assignments and their due dates meant she had to forego many events. It was just easier to pour herself into her schoolwork than to deal with the unpredictability of emotional entanglements. Those sentiments, she knew, had been carefully ensconced in her brain by her mother.
Thus, Emily slowly changed from what Collin called a “ray of sunshine” to an isolated, over-achieving, library dweller. She knew it but felt somehow powerless to change the course she had set for her life. If she was going to make something of herself, she had to excel in college. It was as simple as that.
Wouldn’t mother be proud?
Chapter Thirteen
Nine Years Later
San Diego, California
Emily sat alone at her desk, staring at her computer screen, hunger disrupting her train of thought. The geometric 3-D rendering of a gene sequence slowly rotated and morphed, its green and blue and red shapes linked by grey bands no longer holding her fascination.
It was time to eat, which meant time to check email and voice messages. She pulled her phone out of her purse and stretched as it powered up. The email app showed twenty-seven new messages since breakfast. Among the clutter of ads in her inbox, one message jumped out at Emily. It was from the Senior Class President of Edison High School announcing the ten-year reunion. “No way,” Emily muttered to herself. “How has it been ten years?”
She immediately texted the only two girls she kept in touch with to see if they were going. Then, on a whim, she scrolled through her contacts and found Rob Howell, the only guy friend who had reciprocated her outreach after her disastrous ending with Collin. She tried on and off for her whole freshman year to reestablish contact. He finally relented by saying, “I told Collin you reached out to me. He seemed OK with it.” And, “No funny business. I’m not that kind of boy.” Rob always had a way of showing his humorous and serious sides in the same breath.
Rob was her one vital link to her group of cherished friends.
She called him to learn his thoughts on th
e reunion.
After they exchanged pleasantries, Emily asked, “Did you see the announcement?”
“What announcement?”
“About the ten-year reunion?”
“No. That’s not for another . . . wait, this summer is going to be ten years, isn’t it? Holy cow.”
Emily laughed. Typical Rob. “I’m thinking about going, but I don’t want to ruin it for anyone.”
“Ruin it? Are you kidding? Everyone would love to see you again.”
“Everyone? You sure?”
“Look, if you’re talking about Collin, don’t worry. Now that he’s married and has a couple of kids, I think it’s fair to say he’s over it.”
Even though she was aware that Collin had moved on, those words hurt and brought on an instant melancholy. She knew she couldn’t show it, so she quickly blurted out the first thing that came to mind. “How’s he doing, anyway?”
“Collin? Same as always, I suppose. Hates his job. Kids are always sick. Medical bills. Stress. You know how it is?”
Emily paused. She didn’t know. She had only herself to worry about and had never experienced either health or financial issues. And, thanks to scholarships and her parents’ life insurance, she didn’t even have student loan debts to repay. “Yeah, sounds like what you told me last time we spoke. But that’s not how I remember him. I remember all the pranks he used to pull and how easily he used to smile and laugh. He was more like you back then, carefree and happy.”
“I didn’t say he wasn’t happy. I think he is, but he and Amy have just been going through a lot lately, know what I mean? Life has just not been easy for them despite how hard he tries.”
“Yeah, life gives us all our fair share of challenges,” she said, her voice growing distant. “But, I mean, how’s he holding up? Is he still the same old Collin underneath it all?”
