by Mia Ford
Curious, I press the message button.
“Call received today at 4-oh-nine pm,” a cool, mechanical female voice states.
I glance at the clock. It’s only seven-thirty, now. When this call came through, I’d only been out of the office for just over half an hour. What was so important that my boss wanted to call me not long after I left?
Has a new story come in that he wants me to take up? Not to brag, but I am one of the most senior and experienced reporters at our newspaper office, and I normally get the big headlines, the ones that go on the first few pages.
“Hi, Georgia,” comes my boss’ voice. Albert McKinnon has a broad, English accent, and loves tea and bad puns. He’s a lot of fun to work for. “Sorry to call you at this time. Don’t worry about calling me back tonight if it gets late, I’ll speak to you more about this tomorrow anyway. I have an offer I would like you to think about. You don’t need to answer straight away. Our main office in the city is looking for a qualified, highly experienced reporter to join them to replace one of their own staff leaving in a few months. It won’t be straight away, of course, but they would like an answer in the next few weeks. As one of my best, I’m offering this position to you first. Please think it through carefully. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
The line clicks off. The mechanical voice intones something about deleting the message or saving it, but I’ve frozen, staring down at the machine as though it could answer all the questions that are racing madly around my head.
I don’t know what to think right now. Of everything that I expected, getting that message was the absolute last thing.
I got…a job offer?
My first, instant instinct is that I need to refuse it. I have a job. I have a job that I love very much. The city was never somewhere that I wanted to live; it’s too noisy, too busy and there would be no one I know there.
I pause.
No one I know?
In other words…if I took the job and went to the city…
My heart is beating too fast. I can’t believe I’m even contemplating it. But it’s been a hard day, and last night’s dream did a real number on my heart. I was just thinking earlier that something in my life needed to change.
Taking this job would be the perfect excuse to finally break this tight, constricting bond I’ve formed with Ethan.
“Shit,” I whisper aloud.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to talk to Ethan about this; he’ll probably tell me to go, trying not to look down, and then I definitely won’t go. I’ve enjoyed making friends with Allison and Hayley, but we’re not that close just yet. So…
I whip out my cell phone and call my older sister.
“Georgia?” asks Susie, sounding a little wary. “Is everything okay?”
“Don’t sound so suspicious,” I tease. “Can’t I call just to say hi?”
“You don’t normally call at this time of night, because you know I’ll be putting the kids to bed soon,” Susie says bluntly.
I wince. Right. Susie’s oldest, the twins, who are almost twelve, her middle child, who is eight and the youngest at three, all have fairly strict bedtimes. Around now is when Susie would be getting three-year-old Rory ready for bed.
“Sorry,” I say. “I can call back tomorrow.”
“No, it’s fine, Daniel is taking over,” Susie says, a smile clear in her voice as she talks about her husband. “Thanks, honey!”
I hear a muffled reply and I laugh. Daniel and I have always gotten along great. He’s funny and quick-witted, and once started studying to be a reporter before changing to teaching midway. He and Susie met when I was still a teenager, and I had the biggest crush on him – partly as a cover for my terrifying feelings for Ethan – which is part of the reason why I started becoming interested in journalism, too. When I discovered I genuinely loved it, I continued going, and Daniel was the one that ended up somewhere different, much to everyone’s amusement.
“Sorry,” I say again.
“It’s alright,” Susie laughs. “Now, what’s going on? Is everything okay? How’s Ethan and Lily?”
Even my own sister asks after Ethan in the same breath that she asks about me. Of course, she knows about my feelings for Ethan, but she’s never pushed me to do anything about them.
“I just got a job offer,” I admit. “And I have no idea what to do about it.”
“Don’t you have a job?” Susie asks, confused.
“The main branch in the city is looking for a new reporter to head over there,” I explain. “The office is absolutely huge; I’ve been there more than once. It would be a permanent position there, though, which would mean moving; the city is about an hour away from here.”
“Wow,” Susie says, impressed. “Talk about a big break! You could move there and…” She pauses. “Oh.”
She’s thought about Ethan.
“Yeah, ‘oh’,” I say bleakly. “What do I do, Susie?”
“I don’t know,” Susie says honestly. “What do you want to do?”
“I…” I swallow. “I’ve had a really bad day today. It just doesn’t feel like I’ll ever be truly happy. So, when I got the offer…my first thought was that I could use this to make a clean break from Ethan.”
Susie doesn’t say anything. She knows how big that is to me. I’ve never seriously discussed leaving Ethan behind, despite everything. I bite my lower lip, wondering what she’ll say.
She sighs heavily.
“Honestly? I think it’s awesome that you thought that.’
“What?” I ask blankly; that’s not what I expected.
“I’m going to be blunt, Georgia,” Susie tells me. “I love Ethan tons. If the two of you ever do get married, I’ll be ecstatic. He’s been part of our family for over twenty years, you know. I only want the both of you to be happy. But he has Lily, and he has a lot of baggage. I wish I could say I knew if he will ever look at you the way you want him to, but I don’t know if he will. I do know he’ll never look at you as anything other than a very good friend with the way things are. Something has to change before his way of thinking changes, regardless of what that is. Maybe this change will be good for the both of you.”
“Really?” I ask, frowning.
“Also, you’re doing yourself - and Ethan - no favors by doing what you’ve been doing,” Susie continues. “You both rely on each other far too much. You both need to stand on your own two feet and find your own way. Maybe then you’ll find your way to each other.”
I frown. I’ve never thought about it like that. Am I maybe suffocating any possibility of a relationship by always being at Ethan’s side? Ethan loves me, I know he does…but maybe I’ve never given him a chance to see me as anything more than the young girl that used to follow him everywhere? The one time he could have looked at me like that, he had been too grief-stricken and panicked to think it through properly.
“Huh,” I say.
“Think about it,” Susie advises. “I’m not telling you to accept the job. But don’t dismiss it just yet, okay?”
“I won’t,” I promise. “I’ll give it a good think first.”
“Good.” There’s a sharp, childish cry in the background and Susie sighs. “Sorry, duty calls. Bye, Georgia.”
“Bye, and thanks,” I say.
I hang up and stare at the wall, frowning. I’m still not sure what to do, but Susie has just given me a lot to think about.
I shake my head and continue to the cupboard. I’ll have dinner and think it through later. Right now, my head is spinning and I just want to relax.
Chapter Five
Ethan
Two days after I spoke to Trevor about Lily’s birthday present, and my worry that I won’t be able to provide anything nice for her, I’ve arrived home to find the house completely silent. Georgia is still at work, having gone in for a special meeting about a report despite it being a Saturday, and likely won’t be coming around tonight, and Lily is having a sleepover at her friend’s place. That means,
tonight, it will just be me.
It’s an unusual sensation. It hasn’t been often, in the last ten years, that I’ve spent a lot of time on my own. Lily was always around when I wasn’t at work and, even if she was at a friend’s place or in bed, Georgia was there.
Not today, though. When was the last time this happened? I cast my mind back, but it was actually a struggle to remember. When Lily went for a sleepover about two months ago, I forgot to tell Georgia, and my friend showed up that night with some popcorn and a movie that the two of us ended up watching together.
“Huh,” I say, and my voice is oddly loud in the quiet house.
I don’t know whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing that I honestly can’t remember a time when either Georgia or Lily wasn’t at home with me. It makes something uncomfortable curl up in my stomach, especially since it was only the other day when I was wondering if I was starting to take advantage of the fact that Georgia was always around.
But I’m a grown man, for fuck’s sake. I can handle being on my own for a few hours. Besides, it means that I can get started on the paperwork that I got from the loan officer this morning.
I’ve decided that I can’t let this one go; I need to get Lily her computer. The only way, unfortunately, that I’m going to be able to get one, brand new or otherwise, is to get a loan. So, I’m going to start the process of borrowing a little money in order to get a brand new, top-of-the-range computer, one that will hopefully last us for a few years, and work on painstakingly paying it back over the next few years. Having yet another bill will be tight…but it will also be worth for once being able to give my daughter what she wants.
I try not to think about what Georgia would say if she knew about it. She would give me the money in a heartbeat, I know, but I don’t want to do that. For starters, this is something I want to give Lily on my own steam, to prove, at least to myself, that I can provide nice things for Lily. And, secondly, Georgia already does so much for us. I don’t want to start relying on her financially too. I don’t want to become that kind of burden on my friend; it wouldn’t be fair.
Though, as I pull out the thick packet of papers the bank is asking me to fill out, I can’t help but wonder, gloomily, if there is another way. I’m going to be in debt for so long, even just for a few thousand dollars, and I haven’t even calculated the interest I’ll need to pay on top of that, too.
It’s for Lily, I remind myself, pulling out a pen.
Nearly two hours later, I sit back, rubbing my sore eyes. This is ridiculous. How many different times and ways do they want me to state my income? How many of those papers have I signed? My hand is cramping, my head is spinning from all the legal jargon and there are several questions I don’t understand. I’m either going to have to ask Georgia for help in finishing this - during which I’ll likely get an earful about trying to take too much on myself - or someone else. But no one else in the Roughshod Rollers knows much about these things…
Wait.
Isn’t Allison studying law?
Allison Miller is the girlfriend of Kyle Jacobs, one of my best friends, who joined the Roughshod Rollers with me a few years ago. Sometimes I still shake my head at the circumstances in which the two of them met, which involved a stalker and a lot of posturing from both of them. Eventually, however, they worked things out and they’ve been a strong, loving couple ever since, often babysitting Lily and Owen, the young son of Grant Johnson, my other best friend, and his girlfriend, Jessica Russell.
Kyle is a mechanic, but Allison is studying law at the University of Pennsylvania Law School. Maybe she could come over and help me with this?
I don’t have Allison’s number, but I do have Kyle’s. Hoping that my friend isn’t at work, I dial his number and wait tensely as it rings.
Thankfully, he picks up quickly.
“Hey, Ethan,” Kyle greets. “All good?”
“No,” I groan. “I need help. Specifically, Allison’s help.”
“Allison’s?” Kyle asks, bemused. “Legal troubles?”
“I almost wish that was the case,” I say gloomily. “I’m trying to apply for a loan and I don’t understand half this stuff.”
“Why do you need a loan?” Kyle asks, and I can almost hear his frown. “You’re having enough problems paying for everything as it is.”
“I know,” I sigh. “But…Lily’s birthday is coming up, and she wants a computer. I can barely ever give her anything. I want to give her this. And it will be a good investment, anyway; our old, crappy thing is always breaking down when I need it.”
“I see.” Kyle goes silent. “I have some savings, Ethan. I don’t mind if you want to borrow money off me and then pay it back slowly.”
“What?” I ask, taken aback by the offer.
“I don’t want to see you take out a loan,” Kyle says firmly. “They’re a bunch of fucking sharks and you’ll end up paying back way more than you need. Take the money from me instead, and treat it like a loan. It’s no different, right?”
“Kyle, no, you’re saving that money,” I protest. “You’re going to use it to buy a place with Allison, right?”
“Right now, I’m just saving,” Kyle says. “I haven’t even spoken to Allison about it.”
“She’d say yes in a heartbeat,” I respond. I shake my head. “I’m not taking that money from you, Kyle. Thanks for offering, but you’ve saved that for months. And, for fuck’s sake, ask Allison to move in with you already.”
“Aye, aye,” Kyle replies dryly. “How about this, then? Allison, Grant, Jessica, Georgia and I can all throw in a little bit? You can borrow five hundred or so from each of us, and pay it back when you can.”
That idea is tempting. It certainly seems like a better option than going through with a loan. I eye the paper doubtfully.
“Let me think on it,” I say finally.
“That’s not a ‘no’,” Kyle laughs. “Come on, man, you know this is the best way. You don’t have to pay back an arm and a leg, Lily gets her computer and everyone wins.”
“Except everyone who lent me money,” I can’t help but say.
“If we all put in a little, none of us will be too far out of pocket,” Kyle says. “Just think about it for now.”
“Yeah, yeah…”
I rub my hand through my hair. I’m frustrated that I even have to consider taking money from my friends. Logically, I know it’s the best option. If I ended up beholden to a loan for so long, this computer might be the last thing I’ll be able to give Lily before she becomes a damn adult.
But it hurts a little. What sort of father am I that I have to go through all this just to buy a fucking computer, something my daughter needs more and more as she gets older.
“Don’t think so hard,” Kyle suddenly says. He barks out a laugh. “Fuck, man, I can hear you thinking over the phone. You’re not a bad father.”
I snort. Obviously, I tell my friend too much about my worries. I need to start holding my tongue while we’re at the bar.
“You’ve done everything for Lily,” Kyle continues sharply when I don’t answer. “She adores you. Even if you can’t get her a computer, she’ll understand.”
Does Kyle not realize that that makes it worse? That my ten-year-old daughter, who should be carefree and maybe even a little selfish, intimately understands why her father can’t buy her some of the nice things the other children have? It’s great that Lily does understand, but she shouldn’t have to.
“Sometimes I think about trying to find another job,” I confess. “One that pays better. But I’m not qualified in anything. I picked up my trade after I dropped out of school, and I don’t know anything else.”
“School sucked anyway,” Kyle says sagely, startling a laugh out of me. “None of it made any fucking sense.”
Right… I tend to forget that Kyle’s life mirrors mine in some ways. Neither of us stayed in school due to our home situations, him due to his father’s death and me because of my deadbeat father, and we both picke
d up a trade when we were teenagers instead. Of course, Kyle got Old Man Granger as a substitute father, instead, who has looked after him all these years. On the other hand, I got Polly, who ran off because she couldn’t cope with having a kid with me, and all the stress and worries that came with single fatherhood.
Not that I resent Kyle in any way. I don’t. I was so happy when he and Allison finally got their act together, despite the sad pit in my stomach that couldn’t help but wonder when I’d find that same happiness. Kyle has had a hard life and deserves every piece of happiness he can get. It’s hard not to wonder what I did so wrong that I keep getting missed, though.
“It did,” I agree, my lips twitching into a smile. “God, I had this one teacher, Mrs. Forbes, she was the absolute worst, she was always dragging me to detention because I didn’t understand something or other…”
“Yeah, I wasn’t sorry to see the back of school,” Kyle laughs.
My humor abruptly dies.
“Neither was I,” I say quietly. “Right up until the moment that I had to provide for a kid all on my own.”
Kyle sighs.
“Yeah…that fucking sucks,” he says, and those simple, coarse words make me smile. “But you know you’ve got all of us around to help? You don’t have to do it on your own.” He laughs suddenly. “Georgia would have your hide if you tried to kick her out of your life.”
“That she would,” I snort.
“Speaking of…why aren’t you asking Georgia for help?” Kyle asks curiously.
“I didn’t want her to know,” I admit. “She’ll just be angry that I didn’t come to her first, but there’s no way I can rely on her for all that money. She already does way too much for us.” I shrug. “Besides, she’s not here; I think she’s still at work and Lily is at a sleepover. Since I was here on my own, I figured I’d take the chance to look over the paperwork.”
“So, you’re on your own?” Kyle asks.
“Yeah…it’s strangely lonely,” I laugh.
Kyle bursts out laughing.
“Maybe you should call Georgia and tell her to keep you company,” he teases.
