by Dale Mayer
“So, … even if she were to have that spark or some connection with two men, then, yes, maybe she would go down to the second layer. But she would do it on an instinctive level. She would measure the worth of one man to the other. It’s not a conscious decision based on physicality. Like, Oh, Shane is six-six. I prefer him over you, who’s six-three. It’s not anything like that. Not for the women I know and call friends.
“First and foremost is the click. Then, the next level, the second level as you put it, is all those qualities that she needs. The trust that you spoke of. That honesty and communication. She doesn’t necessarily need a man who can stand on his own two legs all the time. She needs a man who can stand on his two legs figuratively,” she murmured.
Jaden sat here and groaned. “That is something I do,” he said, staring out at the window. “I’ve always been a good provider and caretaker. I know how to get the job done, and I’ve always shown up to get it done. But things are different now.”
“Only because it’s a different job that you have now,” she said. “Right now, your present job is healing. Your job is to show up and to get this done. Is there any reason to think that you have cheated anybody in that process?”
“No,” he said. “I’ve done the best I could in that aspect.”
“Exactly,” she said. “So, remember. First is the click, and next is all those intangible elements that make a relationship work. It’s never just about the physical fitness or the physical look or that the body pieces have to all be there. We’re talking about you and Brianna, not some immature selfish person or a gold digger or a society wife in the making. We are dealing with you and Brianna here. So this is about something a whole lot more than your looks. And,” she said, pointing her finger at him, “for all your provider instincts and your caretaker attitude, don’t forget that Brianna makes her living as a caretaker too.”
“Right,” Jaden said, bowing his head. “In other words, I’m being foolish.”
“Not necessarily,” she said quietly. “Just acknowledge your feelings, as whatever they are, but don’t get stuck on labeling them something when it could be something else. In other words, you need to talk to Brianna about this. It obviously upset you, and you two need to work it out.” She waited for a response from Jaden but didn’t get one. “Right?” she said louder, breaking through his melancholy for at least a moment.
“Right.” After her silence, he looked up. “Right.”
“And don’t ever, ever knock your feelings in that way just because you might be acting foolish. You still have to honor the fact that that’s how you feel.”
“Just feels like everything is sideways,” he muttered. “The minute Shane said he was reaching out a hand to help her, it just hit me that, you know? If he was reaching out, why would she look at my hand that’s already out there?”
“But you’re missing one vital part,” the doctor said. “And that’s the fact that she’s already reached back for your hand.”
He nodded and let out a heavy sigh. “No, you’re right,” he said. “She already has. … I’m just not sure she realizes it yet though.”
Chapter 8
Brianna took several days off, just shoving her real issue into the back of her mind and moving on with the job of living before she allowed herself to pull out that one thought and look at it closer. Stuffing it away gave her a little bit of distance to detach from it and to see if it was true or not. She’d often seen scenarios in high school where some girls who were less than pretty hooked up with guys who were less than pretty because they accepted that they couldn’t do any better. That the more attractive males were just above their grade.
And she wondered if she’d done that here as well. And that was such an insult to Jaden. She just couldn’t even believe that the thought would have crossed her mind. But, at the same time, a little part of her—still so hurt and so desperate not to go through what she’d gone through once already—was looking for a much better relationship, when she hadn’t expected herself to be looking at all. Not now. Not so soon. Obviously she still had issues. She wasn’t ready.
Brianna quickly went through her morning routine, skipped lunch, and picked up yogurt and a bowl of fruit salad from Dennis after the noon rush was over, and headed outside. She knew she was avoiding everyone, but she just wanted to commune with nature and the horses.
This was her second lunch in a row out this way, and Dennis raised an eyebrow but didn’t say a word. She was even more isolated than normal, and that was probably not a good thing. As she sat out in the deep grass, she realized she’d tucked up against the fence, hidden from view. Lovely had come up within the fence and had laid down at her side. Appie was here too. Amazing how these beautiful animals knew she needed their peaceful acceptance right now.
Just on the other side of the fence, she could reach out and touch the llama. It was a perfect way to spend some time with them. Content to just be around them, she sat here and ate her lunch, while she wondered about how she’d made that slip from being a bright and carefully loving person to somebody who felt so hurt, so guarded, that she would even think along this line, this horrid discovery that had sent her into these last few days of deep soul-searching. And then she had to forcibly look at why she was attracted to Jaden.
And none of the reasons had to do with his physical body. Not that she wasn’t attracted to him, to the whole person that he was. She had been most appreciative of his soul, his ethics that he lived by, his kind and respectful manner with her. His honesty when they spoke. She just loved spending time with him. His natural smile, his guts at how he handled his condition; with that contemplated, she sighed and then relaxed a little more as a load of guilt and condemnation slipped off her back.
It had been so hard to think she might have been that person. She was sure a lot of people might not blame her for it, but she blamed herself. Jaden deserved so much better than that.
Then one silent revelation ran through her mind. You’re a caregiver. You have a soft and kind heart. Be soft and kind with yourself too, as you are with others. Especially Jaden.
She sat back against the fence post. She had been fully invested in all her patients; her attachments ran deep. Before, of course, she was in hospital or hospice wards with the terminally ill and dying, so not like now. Not like Hathaway House. Not like Jaden. So her caring deeply for this man wasn’t about his disability. It was about his strengths. It was about her hope for something more to develop here. A future.
Which she couldn’t and didn’t have with any of her patients before. They were different.
Jaden was different.
She shook her head and stared at the Appaloosa. “Appie, it’d be so much easier to be a horse.”
He just shook his mane at her.
She smiled. She looked over at Lovely and said, “You two are the odd couple, but you make it work.”
There really wasn’t any other answer for her but to move forward slowly and carefully. Not because of herself but because of Jaden. The man had come here to improve himself, to get as fit and as physically capable as he could. He wasn’t down and out. He wasn’t depressed. He was the one picking up his life and making the best of what he’d been dealt.
Yet here she was, moaning and groaning because some guy who didn’t love her had left her at the altar. Big freaking deal. Sure, it hurt at the time, but she had also figured out how Gerald was not the right guy for her. Never was actually. She definitely needed to drop her mantle of self-pity and move on. She’d done that to a certain extent, but she had far more to do.
She’d had her time to feel sorry for herself over these past seven months or so, but that time of mourning the loss of Gerald had come and gone. Now, along with this, she also had to be kind to herself—something she forgot so very fast. When she’d gone home early that afternoon a couple days ago, she’d gone to bed and cried and bawled and screamed and kicked and raged at herself and at the world. But afterward, she’d felt immensely better. And sh
e had laid there on her own, sorting herself out.
When she couldn’t get very clear on the issue though—about her feelings for Jaden—she had shoved it all down inside her and left it alone. Only now, a few days later, could she actually take out all this baggage and unpack it all and take a closer look at what was going on. She had thought briefly about seeing one of the psychologists, but she wasn’t even sure if that was an option.
It probably should be a mental-health option for everybody who worked here because working with all these people and seeing all their problems—and their successes—had put her own life in perspective and had made her feel bad for ever complaining about her petty problems. She had both legs, both arms, both feet, both hands. She had a solid back. She’d never been blown up or tossed around or shot or burned or stabbed or run over or any of the other myriad incredible injuries she’d seen here, both to animals and to humans.
And yet here she was, again today, having a boo-hoo because her life hadn’t gone the way she’d planned it to. She should have known before the wedding that Gerald and she were not well suited for a lifetime, but she’d been blind. She’d seen the signs and symptoms of his affair. But Brianna had been so stuck inside her fairy tale that she hadn’t stopped and taken a good look at what was truly going on.
Even her supposed best friend, Jenna, who was to serve as her maid of honor, had been distant and backing out of everything that they had planned to do together. Again Brianna should have known. Sure, Gerald and Jenna shouldn’t have done what they’d done, but Brianna should have also questioned them well before the wedding. Even though all her wedding-related bills were finally paid off, and she was technically free and clear of that event, she still couldn’t write off the memories and the hurts.
Well, it was past time that she got rid of those. And it was also time to stop judging everybody else by the same token that only Gerald and Jenna deserved.
Her ex had been a jerk. There was no reason for him to do what he’d done—other than total selfishness and immaturity. Why couldn’t he just break up with her first, before dating Jenna? But it was over now. Brianna’s relationship with Gerald was long gone, and maybe Gerald and Jenna were happy now, together or not.
Wasn’t it time for Brianna to find some happiness too?
Jaden wasn’t exactly sure where she was or why he hadn’t seen Brianna in a couple days. But, of course, every time he saw Shane, he appeared to be superhappy, whistling and cheerful. And Jaden immediately connected Brianna with Shane, as though that’s why she wasn’t around Jaden at all. He didn’t know how much longer he could go on until he got an answer. He had talked himself into speaking with her just as many times as he had talked himself out of bothering to bring it up.
And yet, every damn time he did, it seemed so foolish to ask her if she was seeing Shane. After all, Jaden had no claim on her, and he and she didn’t have anything other than a friendship. It didn’t matter what his heart said. It didn’t matter what he wanted. He hadn’t made any moves toward doing anything about dating Brianna, and, if Shane had, and she had chosen that pathway, then all the more power to Shane. That’s what happened when Jaden waited and just accepted the leftovers of what the world dished out to him. Because, if he wasn’t ready to pick up and run with what he’d been offered, he was a fool, and he should be the one who ended up suffering for it.
Trouble was, he didn’t even want to think along those lines. He didn’t want to consider why he hadn’t spoken to Brianna about this, his feelings—he almost laughed at that—or why he hadn’t already asked her out on a real date, but neither did he want to see Brianna with Shane. That would completely change Jaden’s whole attitude about being here at Hathaway House, and he admitted to himself that he might want to transfer out of here too.
He groaned for the tenth time.
“What’s wrong with you today?” Shane asked.
Jaden had one big medicine ball in his arms, catching his breath, but Shane was panting too. They’d been working, lifting, carrying, forcing Jaden to use both his legs to build muscle in each. “Girl trouble,” he said, glaring at Shane.
“Brianna again?”
Jaden shot him a look. “Maybe, but not likely.”
Shane took his head at that. “You’re not making any sense.”
“It’s not making any sense to me either,” he said. “I just haven’t seen her for a couple days.”
“Yeah, she’s been hiding again,” Shane said.
“Why?”
“I don’t know,” Shane said in surprise. “You’re the one who’s got the insight into her.”
At that, Jaden frowned. “I thought it was you.”
Shane stopped, looked at him, and asked, “What?”
“I thought you had a thing for her?”
“You thought I had a thing for her?” Shane repeated slowly. “Why?”
“If the playing field becomes awfully crowded, I’m not putting myself into that competition.”
Shane dropped the medicine ball hard. It made a thunk and reverberated against the wooden floor. “I don’t have a thing for her,” he said with a clear and crisp voice. “But I work with her and I care about her, like I do everybody else.”
Jaden studied him through half-lidded eyes. “So, you aren’t interested in her?”
Shane lifted an eyebrow and then shook his head slowly. “No more than a friend. I thought you two had a thing?”
“If we have a thing,” he said, “why haven’t I seen her? She’s hiding from me.”
“Or she’s just hiding,” Shane corrected. “Don’t you just love how, when anything goes wrong, we always think it’s us to blame?”
“Well, that’s because we usually are to blame,” Jaden said, his heart lighter at Shane’s words.
“Maybe, but I think, more often than not, it’s because we aren’t sure what’s going on. So, we instinctively think we’ve done something wrong.”
“Maybe,” he said. “It’s not an easy thing, understanding a woman.”
“No, but, if you don’t open up and try to communicate with her, it’ll just get worse.”
“I have to see her in order to communicate,” he muttered. He picked up the medicine ball and threw it with more force than necessary.
Shane oofed as it hit him in the chest. “Maybe you should do that again,” he challenged, and he threw it back just as forcefully at Jaden.
They went hard and fast, throwing a very heavy medicine ball. Jaden didn’t even know what the weight of the thing was. But, every time it hit him in the chest, it was all he could do to brace for it. “So, is this actually helping me?” he asked after a few moments of several more hard throws as he gasped for air.
“Did it take some of that stress out of you? If so, yes,” Shane said, glaring at him.
Jaden took several deep breaths, releasing each one. He remembered what Shane had said about the formation of his ribs and his collarbone and head, and, when he did the next toss, he could feel all kinds of things unlocking in his back and his neck, and he smiled. “You know what? I think it did help.”
At that, Shane burst out laughing. “Good,” he said. “Then it’s all worthwhile.”
“Are you sure? I could still use a massage.”
“Yeah, but that’s just because you’re wanting a massage. It’s not because you necessarily need one.”
The two men grinned at each other.
Feeling much better, Jaden was glad that he had at least brought it up with Shane. Jaden still might not have any resolution, and he certainly didn’t have any answers, but he did feel better about discussing things with Brianna. Now, if only he could find her, then discover the best way to talk to her, and see what had her so upset.
Chapter 9
Luckily Brianna only had to ask off for that one Friday afternoon, since she had the weekend free and could take those days without bringing even more attention to herself. So Brianna carried on sorting herself out through the rest of the weekend, and then, on
Monday, she felt a whole lot better and had resumed her work schedule. She still had some of this stuff to work completely through, but one of the things that she had done for herself was she’d sent an email to her ex. She told him that she’d forgiven him for what he’d done, and she was sorry that their communication was so poor that they hadn’t discussed it well before the wedding day, and she wished him well in his life. When she sent it, she’d taken a deep breath and stepped back. And then she immediately told Susan, one of her girlfriends back in Houston, what she’d done.
Instead of emailing her back, Susan called her. “Did you really do that?”
“Yes,” she said. “I felt like I needed to.”
Just silence was on the other end of the phone for a long moment. Then Susan said, “You’re a bigger person than I am.”
“It was holding me back,” Brianna said quietly. “He probably won’t even answer me.”
“Or you’ll find out he’s married to Jenna, and she’s pregnant, and everything you’d planned for is no longer coming your way.”
“I didn’t do it to get the cheater back. Obviously my plans weren’t coming my way anyway, not with him,” she said. “He went off with my maid of honor. My supposed friend.”
“Well, I’m still here,” Susan said humorously.
“Right, and I didn’t mean it that way,” Brianna said, shaking her head. “I just seem to be saying everything wrong right now.”
“And I didn’t intend to upset you about it,” Susan said. “I know what you’ve gone through. And Jenna wasn’t just your friend. She was my friend too.”
“Right. The things that we do in order to hide everything we’re going through,” Brianna said. “I’m still angry at her. And I think I’m angry because I’m hurt that she would have done such a thing.”
