‘Oh, go on then. If you must,’ the captain grumbled. ‘But hurry up, otherwise we’ll have to leave that stupid moggy behind. And good riddance.’
Charming, thought Patch, flicking her tail crossly as Ginger began scrambling up the tree.
Unlike Butch, Ginger was light, nimble and used to climbing up to the crow’s nest back on the ship. Up she went, fast and fearless, all the way until she was very nearly at the top.
‘Actually, I think I’ll just jump down myself,’ Patch mewed, leaping lightly past Ginger to the ground.
‘Oh!’ cried Ginger in surprise, then she beamed. ‘Yay, I did it!’ she called, clambering back down again. ‘I rescued the cat!’
‘Who’s a clever little thing?’ said Cannonball just at that moment.
Ginger jumped happily to the ground – she had never been called clever before! But then her face fell as she realized that Cannonball was talking to Monty, who’d sprung out from the bushes clutching the cook’s rather battered saucepan.
‘What a smart lad you are. You’ve always been my favourite,’ Cannonball went on, ruffling Monty’s fur. Patch and Cutlass pulled faces at each other as Monty preened himself proudly. He was a sickening suck-up – he really was!
Seconds later, Butch appeared, dripping wet but beaming all over his face. ‘Hey, good news – I found the river!’ he cried.
‘The Extremely Dangerous River? Marvellous news!’ cheered Captain Halibut. ‘Lead on, Butch. Not too much further to go, buckos. I can almost smell that treasure now!’
If there was one thing Patch hated even more than having sandy paws, it was having wet paws. So when they reached the Extremely Dangerous River and she realized that there wasn’t a nice dry bridge across it her heart sank down to her claws. The river was a murky brown colour, so you couldn’t see what lay at the bottom, and it smelled of dead things. As the pirates rolled up their trouser legs and began wading through, Patch had to act fast to avoid being left behind. There was really only one thing for it: she was going to have to hitch a ride. Ginger wouldn’t mind a furry passenger, would she?
‘Erk!’ cried Ginger the next second, as Patch leaped on to her shoulders. ‘Ow, those claws are sharp!’
‘Come on pirates, keep walking while you’re talking,’ the captain ordered, striding through the stinking water. ‘And watch out for crocodiles.’
Butch came next, then Cannonball, then Ginger. Splosh. Splash. Splosh. Cutlass flew overhead, but Monty was left behind on the shore.
‘Hey! Wait for me!’ he cried, jumping up and down.
Patch giggled from her perch on Ginger. ‘Can’t you swim?’ she teased.
‘Of course I can’t. I’m a monkey not a monkfish!’ wailed Monty.
‘If only you hadn’t pushed me in that quicksand, I might have helped you,’ Patch said, ‘but instead … byeee!’ She waved a paw cheekily at him, then clambered up onto Ginger’s head, turning round a few times in order to get comfortable.
‘Patch, sit still – I can’t see when you do that!’ Ginger complained, trying to push Patch’s tail out of her face as she waded along. ‘In fact, I … Whoops!’
Whoops indeed! Ginger had stumbled blindly forward and knocked straight into Cannonball.
Cannonball bumped into Butch.
Butch lurched into the captain and … SPLOSH!
Down the captain tumbled onto his hands and knees, instantly soaked through by the pongy brown water.
Just to make matter worse, Monty, seeing his chance to get across the Extremely Dangerous River, used the pirates as stepping stones, jumping from one to the other.
Boing! Boing! Boing! LEAP!
‘I can’t swim, but at least I’ve got a brain,’ he chuckled to Patch as he reached the other side, doing a handstand on the grass and waggling his bottom.
Still in the river, the pirates had gone very quiet at the sight of their soggy captain.
‘Uh-oh,’ mumbled Butch.
‘Now we’re in for it,’ whimpered Cannonball.
‘He’s going to be really, really mad!’ groaned Ginger.
‘I don’t believe it,’ said the captain, not moving as he kneeled there in the water. ‘I do NOT believe it.’
‘I’m really extremely and truly sorry, Captain,’ Ginger said in a squeaky voice.
‘It was an accident,’ Cannonball added meekly.
‘It wasn’t me – it was the others. They pushed me,’ Butch quavered.
‘Well, it wasn’t me! It was Ginger!’ protested Cannonball, glaring back at her.
‘It wasn’t me either! It was the cat!’ cried Ginger, and Patch hunched lower on Ginger’s head, fearing that she was in for a mighty telling-off.
‘The cat, eh?’ repeated Captain Halibut, and Patch tried to make herself even smaller. The captain had a fearsome temper when he was angry and anything could happen. He might make her walk the plank. He might leave her here on this desert island. He might even feed her to the nearest shark!
‘Well, blow me down, that mangy moggy just did us all one blisteringly big favour,’ boomed Captain Halibut, much to Patch’s surprise. He rose to a standing position, shook the water from his beard and clambered out of the river. ‘Because if I hadn’t been pushed over like that I wouldn’t have put my hand on THIS!’
He held up a small gold key that sparkled in the sunlight and the other pirates edged nearer curiously.
‘I thought for a moment it was a fish,’ the captain went on, gazing at it fondly. ‘But no, it’s not a fish.’
Patch glanced at Cutlass uncertainly. ‘Is it me or is he being a bit … odd?’ she hissed.
‘Arrrr, reckon he must have bumped his head when he fell down,’ Cutlass agreed.
The other pirates all seemed confused about Halibut’s behaviour as well.
‘No,’ Butch replied cautiously. ‘It’s not a fish, Cap’n.’
‘Can’t have that with chips,’ Cannonball confirmed. ‘Well, you could, I suppose, but I’m not sure it would taste all that good. Maybe with a bit of ketchup or vinegar, it might—’
‘It’s a key,’ Ginger interrupted before Cannonball could say anything else, ‘with a weird skull shape at the top.’
‘Exactly!’ Captain Halibut cried. ‘Just like the skull drawing on our map! Aharr! So, unless I’m very much mistaken, this is the key to a treasure chest. My treasure chest.’ He gave the key a smacking kiss then punched the air. ‘Even if the Black Heart pirates do get to the treasure first, those rotten old crooks won’t be able to open the chest without this. What a stroke of luck!’ The captain was practically skipping around with glee. ‘So hurry up and haul yourselves out of this here river, you lumbering layabouts – and let’s track down our booty!’
With a lot of splashing and sploshing and some very wet trousers, the pirates clambered out of the Extremely Dangerous River and not a moment too soon, as a crocodile appeared from further up the bank, its long snout poking hungrily from the water. Butch screamed and tried to jump into Ginger’s arms.
Cannonball grabbed a cheese grater and tried to shoo the crocodile away.
And Captain Halibut, who was starting to lose his patience, shouted, ‘For Davy Jones’s sake! It’s a floating log, not a crocodile, you jittering jellyfish. Look!’ He kneeled down on the bank of the river and stretched out an arm to prod the ‘log’ with a stick … except, of course, it wasn’t a log – it definitely was a crocodile, with big, sharp teeth and a very hungry belly. SNAP! went the crocodile’s jaws, just missing the captain, who promptly fell backwards in alarm.
Patch and Cutlass laughed their heads off at this, and Patch even found herself cheering up a little bit about the key.
‘I say, I say, I say: what kind of key doesn’t unlock a treasure chest?’ Cutlass squawked to Patch as Halibut coughed and dusted himself down and the other pirates tried not to snigger.
‘Hopefully the one that Captain Halibut just found,’ Patch replied, twitching her whiskers.
‘The answer is … a monkey!’ s
aid Cutlass, pointing a wing towards Monty, who was dangling upside down from a nearby tree. ‘A mon-key – get it, matey?’ He grinned as Patch groaned and rolled her eyes. ‘You have to get up early to key-p up with my jokes, Cap’n,’ he added.
‘So where are we heading next?’ asked Ginger as the crew set off once more. ‘I hope it’s somewhere really, really nice this time. Is it?’
‘We’re heading west,’ Captain Halibut replied, checking the map. ‘All the way to Viper Rock. After that, we hike up Skull Mountain and then … X marks the spot!’
Butch stopped walking. ‘Viper Rock?’ he repeated. ‘More snakes? Aww, man! Can’t I just stay here and wait for you guys to come back with the treasure?’
‘There’s no need to be scared,’ Cannonball scoffed. ‘I could wrestle a viper with my bare hands. I could tie one in a knot. If a viper dared try anything with me, I’d simply look it in the eye and say, “Don’t you even think about it, sunshine.” You’ve just got to be tough, that’s all. Show ’em who’s boss.’
‘I say, I say, I say,’ Cutlass chuckled to Patch. ‘How does a snake keep its car clean? With vindscreen vipers! Get it, matey? With w—WHOA!’ He shot up high in the air suddenly, his feathers a-flap. ‘Vipers at three o’clock!’ he yelped.
Turning to see what had startled him, Patch almost jumped out of her fur as she saw three enormous snakes sliding down from a huge red rock nearby, their forked tongues flicking in and out. Her tail tingled with terror and she galloped away at once, pelting along the path to safety with Cutlass flapping overhead.
‘Run, Monty!’ she yelled.
Behind them, she heard a screech from Butch. ‘Nobody panic,’ he squealed. ‘But – HELP! Poisonous, murdering snakes with fangs and poison and really mean little beady eyes! Everyone hide behind Cannonball!’ He ducked behind the tough, snake-wrestling cook at once, knees knocking. So did Ginger. Even Captain Halibut scurried fearfully behind his crew with a very quick stamp-clonk, stamp-clonk.
Cannonball looked at the vipers. The vipers looked at Cannonball.
‘Go on, what are you waiting for, you scurvy dog?’ yelled Captain Halibut. ‘Tie those snakes in knots at ONCE! Plait them if you want – I don’t care!’
The vipers were coming closer, hissing alarmingly. But Cannonball did not wrestle them with his bare hands. He didn’t tie them in knots. And he certainly didn’t show them who was boss. No. In fact, sweat had popped up all over Cannonball’s shiny pink face and he was quivering like a jelly. Then the snakes slid even nearer and he let out a shrill shriek.
‘RUN!’ he screamed at the top of his voice. ‘Run, now, as fast as you can! They’re really dangerous and scary! Aaarrrgghhhhh!’
The pirates did not need telling twice. They charged along the path, away from the vipers, until they were red in the face and out of breath.
‘I thought you said,’ Butch panted to Cannonball, ‘that you just had to show ’em who was boss? That you could wrestle ’em, and talk to ’em, and tie ’em up in knots, and …’
‘He got muddled up with his shoelaces,’ Patch giggled to Cutlass and Monty as they rounded the corner and found themselves at the foot of a mountain.
‘Those were the wrong sort of vipers,’ Cannonball told Butch in a huffy sort of way. ‘Any other viper – yeah. No problem. I’d have dealt with them.’ He coughed and looked down at his feet. ‘Anyway,’ he went on, before anyone could argue with him. ‘Look! A mountain!’
‘Excellent,’ cried Captain Halibut, checking the map. ‘This must be Skull Mountain. We’re nearly there, team! Now all we need to do is climb up, look for an X and dig up the buried treasure!’
‘Cool!’ said Ginger, skipping nimbly up the rocks. Then she stopped as a thought occurred to her. ‘Um … wait. Digging? Did anyone bring a spade?’
‘Well, I didn’t,’ said Butch.
‘And I didn’t,’ Captain Halibut said. ‘Cannonball?’
‘I’ve got … a fish-slice … a meat cleaver … a wooden spoon …’ Cannonball replied, searching through the many pockets of his apron.
‘How about a spade?’
‘A spatula … a lemon squeezer … a frying pan …’
‘A spade?’
‘A potato peeler … an apple corer … a really good little non-stick milk pan if anyone fancies cocoa …’
‘But no spade?’ the captain asked impatiently.
Cannonball shook his head. ‘Sorry, Cap’n. No spade.’
Patch, Cutlass and Monty edged away as they saw the captain’s moustache stand on end with fury. And yet Patch could feel a giggle in her throat too. They’d come all this way – they had almost reached the treasure! – and yet not one single pirate had thought to bring along a spade to actually dig it up. It seemed more likely than ever that the cursed treasure was not about to come their way, so everyone would be safe from the CERTAIN DEATH that the paper in the bottle had warned them about!
‘Why oh why,’ the captain was complaining, ‘am I stuck with such a bunch of utter nincompoops and nitwits for my crew? Of all the brainless, blundering buffoons, you lot really take the biscuit! I can’t believe—’ He fell silent. ‘What was that?’
They all stopped to listen as the sound of cheerful singing floated down the mountain towards them.
‘Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum,
We’ve got the treasure, yum yum yum!
The Black Heart crew are the richest at sea,
Yo-ho-ho, happy pirates are we!’
Patch and Cutlass looked at each other. ‘Does that mean …?’ Cutlass began hopefully.
‘I think we did it!’ Patch beamed. ‘We slowed down our crew so much that the Black Heart pirates beat them to the cursed treasure!’
‘What, so I’m not going to get my crown?’ Monty sighed. ‘Huh! That’s not fair!’
Butch, meanwhile, was humming the tune under his breath. He was very fond of a pirate shanty, even though he nearly always got the words wrong.
‘That’s a jolly song,’ he commented. ‘And they’re the richest pirates – well, that’s nice, ain’t it?’
Captain Halibut wheeled round in rage. ‘That’s nice? You dunderbrain, did you not listen to the words they were singing? They’ve got the treasure! Our treasure! They made it there before us – and they clearly remembered to take spades with them!’ He stamped his peg leg so hard that Patch thought for a moment it was going to crack in two. ‘And now they’re heading back to their ship with our loot!’ he roared. He pointed into the distance where they could just see glimpses of pirate hats bobbing above the bushes. ‘There they are. After them, me hearties!’
The captain charged off in the direction of the singers, with Butch, Cannonball and Ginger rushing along behind. Then Halibut stopped suddenly, a finger to his lips, and they all cannoned into the back of him.
‘Shhh,’ he whispered. ‘We’ve got to be quiet about this. Don’t let them know we’re following them. Got it?’
‘Got it, Captain,’ said Ginger.
‘Aye aye,’ agreed Cannonball.
‘Quietly does it,’ said Butch, going up on to tiptoes and promptly falling over into a prickly bush with a crash and a loud ‘OW!’.
Patch sighed. ‘I suppose we should go along too,’ she said. ‘Try to stop them getting into any more trouble.’
‘See if I can just sneak a teeny tiny gold crown or something as well …’ Monty added hopefully under his breath.
Captain Halibut, Butch, Cannonball and Ginger began creeping silently through the jungle after the Black Heart pirates, hiding behind trees and bushes as they went, with Patch, Cutlass and Monty at their heels. The Black Heart pirates were noisy and cheerful and didn’t have a clue they were being followed as they hauled along the treasure chest, singing at the tops of their voices and swigging from a bottle of grog.
Their smallest pirate had tufty black hair and seemed to be struggling with the heavy chest. ‘Lads, can we stop for a break?’ he puffed, red in the face. He staggered on the uneven gro
und and the chest lurched against the other pirates.
‘Good idea,’ hiccupped the tallest crew member, who had a feathered earring and seemed to have drunk quite a lot of the grog.
‘This here looks a bonny spot,’ declared Captain Crunchbone as they arrived at a clearing just then. He was tall and fierce-looking with a bushy red beard, a gold front tooth and a bone through his nostrils. ‘Arrrr, take the weight off for a few minutes, me hearties.’
The Black Heart pirates dumped the chest on the ground and flopped down around it, panting and sweating. The smallest pirate put his thumb in his mouth and fell asleep at once. The tallest pirate put his hat over his face and began to snore. Captain Crunchbone leaned against the treasure chest, stretched out his long legs and shut his eyes, while the rest of his crew dozed in the jungle sunshine.
Hiding in the undergrowth, Captain Halibut beamed so widely that his gold tooth sparkled in the sun. ‘This is our chance,’ he hissed to the crew, then held up the key. ‘We creep over, quiet as ship’s mice. We open the chest, quiet as ship’s mice. We steal all the treasure, quiet as ship’s mice. We make a run for it all the way back to the Golden Earring, fast as gunfire. Then we sail away, rich as princes!’
‘Yay!’ cried Ginger excitedly, before remembering that they were meant to be quiet and slapping a hand across her mouth.
Luckily, Captain Halibut was too busy sniggering at his own good fortune to notice. ‘They even dug the chest up for us,’ he chortled. ‘Who needs spades anyway?’
A small distance away, Patch addressed Cutlass and Monty. ‘This is our chance too,’ she said. ‘As soon as our pirates start creeping over, we make as much noise as we can. Yowling, screeching, squawking … whatever it takes to wake up the Black Heart crew. Got it?’
Captain Cat and the Treasure Map Page 3
