by Miley Maine
“Um no,” she’d said. “If Tyler gave you the impression that I liked cooking, then he was wrong.”
“So you’re not going to feel at all displaced if I handle the menu?”
“God no. I’d rather eat a sandwich, but everytime I mention not doing the full spread, Tyler flips out. So have at it.”
So with Abigail’s permission, I was going to cook the Thanksgiving feast. The only problem was that it wasn’t an easy meal. So I was going to be doing a lot of practicing.
I’d spent the last few days studying the traditional recipes and now I was going to get the ingredients for the first attempt.
“I need to get some cornbread flour,” I said to Tyler as we walked through the grocery store. I felt ridiculous having an armed escort walk with me through the bread aisle, but Tyler’s insistence on not leaving me unguarded had not waned over the last few weeks.
“The meal doesn’t have to be perfect,” he said. “You can make whatever you want. You can make tacos.”
“Blasphemy,” I said.
So like a weirdo, I was in the aisle while Tyler followed me. I’d thought he would relent, but he had not. He insisted that I be with either him or Barrett at all times. Even in public. Even at the grocery store. The only time he left me alone was at the library book club.
Every day I tried to convince him that I would be fine. Every day he didn't listen to a word I said. I’d been to the store every day that week, and he’d tagged along each time. So far, he seemed more amused than annoyed.
I felt bad for disrupting his life but I couldn't lie to myself. I enjoyed having him around all the time. I’d thought I wouldn't like all the scrutiny, but with Tyler, things were different. His intense, undivided attention was a definite turn on. I tried not to let on how much I liked it.
I'd made it clear to him that I wouldn't be here long-term. He'd already done so much for me. He disrupted his entire life, his sister's life and his best friend's life.
Even his dog's life was disrupted now because of my family.
And now we’d actually started dating. I wasn’t sure if that made the fact that I’d disrupted his life better, or worse.
As we walked to the yogurt aisle I noticed again how extremely hungry I was. Hungry didn't really feel like the right word to describe the feeling. Famished or starving felt more appropriate. I always had pretty good eating habits even when I was in college. I tried to eat spinach and avocado and follow all the rules for a healthy body. But right now all I could think about was Pop-Tarts and Frosted Flakes.
Could it be hormones? I began to calculate in my head, counting the days since my last period. That time of the month should be happening right now, for November. I wasn’t even sure I’d had a period in October. With all the chaos, I had lost track.
I grabbed my phone and looked at the date. Yep. No matter how I counted it, my period was late.
I thought back to the night before when I'd fallen asleep on the couch. I usually had a decent amount of energy at night, but for the last three nights I'd fallen asleep at 8:30 p.m.
A sinking feeling descended over me. Was it possible that I was pregnant?
One night. That was it. That’s the only time Tyler and I forgot the condom, and that had been back in September. My cycle had always been regular, but stress could cause delays too. But the other signs pointed to me being pregnant.
I stopped walking right in the middle of the aisle, and my hand came up to cover my mouth.
The grocery store sold pregnancy tests in the pharmacy but there was no way I could get one without Tyler noticing. There was not a single person in this town that I could ask to buy one for me either. It wouldn't be right for me to ask them to keep a secret from Tyler.
And I wasn't willing to order one online and risk using my name someplace where Christopher or Carl could see my address, but I needed information. I didn't know much about pregnancy. If I was pregnant wasn't I supposed to feel nauseated?
Tyler paused the cart in front of the cheese display. “Are you okay?”
With Tyler right beside me, I couldn't even Google it. I’d have to do that when I got home. Should I buy some prenatal vitamins, just in case?
Yes. I should. If I wasn’t pregnant, it wouldn't hurt me to take them for a few weeks. Better safe than sorry if a baby was involved.
Shit. I was so screwed.
“I think it's um. That time of the month. Just a headache from hormones.”
I took a deep breath and focused on the types of cranberry sauce cans that were laid out in front of me. Out of the corner of my eye I caught a flash of pale blonde hair. Pale blonde hair that looked exactly like Jenny's. My entire body jerked. I grabbed onto the shelving.
Tyler was a few feet away inspecting beef jerky. He hadn't seen my reaction. I let go of the shelf and edged closer to the end of the aisle. The woman walked by again. I couldn't see her face but I could see the threadbare jeans and the ratty sweater she wore.
“Jenny,” I whispered.
The woman turned and picked up a jar of pickles.
I could see her profile now. My shoulders slumped. Maybe it wasn't Jenny. I wasn't sure what I was thinking. Without some serious assistance, financial and logistical, Jenny never could make it here on her own. She wouldn't even know where to start. But that didn't mean someone couldn't drive her here.
I managed to collect myself, and Tyler didn't notice anything unusual. I took the cart from Tyler, needing something to hold onto. “I'll drive.” I pushed the cart to the vegetable section and started picking out sweet potatoes. Despite having looked at canned cranberry sauce, I wasn't going to use any canned ingredients. I was going to do the entire meal from scratch.
After filling the cart with items for me to practice with for Thanksgiving, Tyler and I paid and then loaded the truck with our purchases. As soon as I lifted the last bag, my eyes caught movement in the corner of the parking lot.
My arms tightened, and my fingers gripped the plastic of the bag. A man stood by a car diagonal from us. He looked just like Christopher. My father’s partner.
I stayed there, transfixed, just staring at the man.
I found Tyler's arm on my lower back. “Ava. I know there's something wrong. What is it? Tell me right now.”
“There's a man in the corner of the parking lot that looks just like Christopher.” For once I was honest with him. It felt good. I stuffed the bag of groceries in the truck. “Come on, let's get out of here.”
Tyler's gaze was still on the man. He backed the truck out of the parking lot, but instead of pulling onto the street, he drove straight toward the man.
“Duck down,” Tyler said. “Crawl in the back, and put your entire body on the floorboard.”
“No! Don't engage with him. You don't know what he's like,” I pleaded with him.
“I have no doubt he's a monster, especially after what he did to you. But I've confronted men like him before. If it's him, he's not leaving this parking lot.”
Fuck. What did that mean? I unbuckled my seatbelt and slid down to the floorboard in the backseat, cramming my body. “Why back here?”
“In case the airbags go off. I don’t want it hitting your head or neck.”
Oh my God. Was he going to ram Christopher’s car? Run over him? I couldn't say I disagreed with either decision.
As we inched forward, Tyler exhaled harshly. “It’s not him. It’s just a guy taking a smoke break.”
I rose from the floorboard and crawled onto the seat, desperate to see for myself. He was right. It wasn’t Christopher. It was just some guy.
First I thought I saw Jenny. Then Christopher. Was imagining them so close a result of stress? Or was it some kind of early pregnancy symptom?
If I was pregnant, surely all these adrenaline rushes weren’t good for the baby. I was going to have to take up meditation or something like that.
I sank into my seat and closed my eyes. “I’m losing it,” I muttered.
Within seconds, Tyler
laid his hand on my knee. “Hey. Your reactions are normal. You've been betrayed by your own father and his lifelong business partners. That's a very big deal. Thinking you see them lurking would happen to anyone.”
I couldn’t even tell him that this was the second time it had happened to me today. “Does stuff like that happen to you?” I asked.
“Mine's more concentrated at night. I learned to keep it together during the day. But at night I can't sleep.”
Ah ha. Now it all made sense. He admitted that casually, but I sensed he was dealing with more than just insomnia at night, but I wasn’t going to push. Tyler telling me anything that personal was a huge fucking deal. That must be one of the reasons he didn’t want me to sleep in his bed.
At first I assumed it was because he didn’t want any form of commitment, but the longer I knew him, the less I thought so. He was a very loyal person. And he was the one who’d pushed to date me.
Instead of asking him questions, I just reached over and grabbed his hand. I wished I could help him if he was struggling. But him saying anything at all was a start.
We passed the stand-alone pharmacy, and I sat up straighter. “Oh! I just realized I didn’t get everything I need.” This was going to be my only chance to get a pregnancy test and vitamins.
“Should I turn around?” he asked.
“No, we can just stop in the Pine Hills Family Pharmacy.”
Once he parked the car, he immediately put his hand on the car handle and started to get out of the car. I grabbed his hand and turned to face him. “Listen, I can go in here by myself. I don't need a guard, you can watch from out here.”
He opened his mouth to protest.
“I need feminine hygiene products,” I blurted out
He hesitated, and I saw my opening.
If he followed me in, I wouldn't be able to get the pregnancy test or the vitamins. I tried again, saying, “besides, it would be embarrassing to pick out that kind of stuff with you watching.”
“Fair enough,” he said with a great deal of resignation. “Just don't take too long or I'll come in after you.”
I squeezed his arm. “I'll be quick.” I hurried into the small pharmacy. Just like many things in a small town, it wasn't like any of the pharmacies in Chicago. There were no bright fluorescent lights, no endless rows featuring over the counter medicines, no photo development area. There were wooden floors and paneled walls, and small displays of the basics.
Even the shopping baskets were woven instead of plastic. I grabbed one and grasped it tightly.
I found the pregnancy tests. I didn’t have time to look up which was the best, so I took the three most expensive ones. I found the prenatal vitamins, and again, chose a thirty-day supply of the most expensive.
So that I wasn’t quite so obvious, I also grabbed a giant box of feminine products and a bag of chips and a pack of gum.
I was so nervous about hiding this purchase from Tyler that I didn’t even think about being found by Carl or Christopher, not even one time.
I walked briskly toward the checkout.
“Ava?” someone called out.
I froze. Someone was behind me. Already on high alert, my heart thundered in my chest. But I wasn’t going to run screaming, just because I was imagining a bad guy lurking everywhere I went.
I turned slowly. Surely this wasn’t some goon who’d come to snatch me from Pine Hills, not in this obscure little building. If it was, I was not going quietly.
I sagged all at once, almost dropping my basket.
It wasn’t someone coming to kidnap me. But it was Mrs. Smith, the ancient secretary from Tyler’s office.
Fuck. With a quick glance down, I carefully arranged the feminine products, the chips and the gum so that they covered the pregnancy tests and the vitamins.
Of all the times for me to run into her. “Hello, Mrs. Smith. How are you?”
“I’m good sweetie. Just getting my blood pressure medicine refilled.” She opened her mouth to say more, but then we both heard the pharmacist call out. “Mrs. Smith, we’ve got your prescription.”
She patted my arm, and finally ambled away.
I exhaled, but didn’t waste any time getting to the checkout.
Of course there was no self-checkout in this small pharmacy.
I felt like a total jerk for wanting to run away from her. And I felt like an even bigger jerk for hiding this from Tyler. But I wasn't ready to talk to anyone about this, not even him. I really liked him. I respected him and I wanted him -- every part of him, but in light of what I'd been through in the last few months, I didn't want to make a commitment to anyone.
And how could I ask anyone to make a commitment to me knowing what a target I was?
The cashier, thankfully, was with a teenage boy, and hopefully not someone who interacted with Tyler on a regular basis.
“Can I count on your discretion?” I asked him. “Don’t let anyone see these, please.”
“Okay ma’am.” I could tell that he had zero interest in my purchase. Maybe he wouldn’t even notice what the items were. A flush began to flow through my body. I glanced at the door. Was I taking too long for Tyler’s comfort? Would he come bursting through the front door and see exactly what I was buying?
What about Mrs. Smith? Would she come strolling over and catch me? She had children and grandchildren. She’d know what I was buying. And she’d tell Tyler tomorrow at the office. My forehead began to sweat. My stomach began to churn.
This was nuts. Something like this could never happen in Chicago. There were so many pharmacies, and so many people. Even when I did run into people I knew, they didn’t look into my basket.
Could I ever live in a place like this permanently? Could I trade privacy for a sense of community? Would I come to resent the scrutiny? Or was I feeling guilty because I was once again deceiving Tyler?
I pulled out my phone and texted Tyler.
Almost done.
I felt ridiculous. I was an adult woman. I shouldn’t be sneaking around to buy the stuff I needed.
I paid for my purchase with cash. “Can you throw the receipt away?” I asked the cashier.
He wadded it up and tossed it in the trash. Perfect.
Glancing behind me, I saw that Mrs. Smith was getting closer to me. I couldn’t let her catch up to me again. I turned around and waved at her. “So good to see you! Tyler’s waiting on me!” And then I got the hell out of there. I’d bring her an extra batch of cookies to make up for it.
By the time I got back in his truck, I was panting.
“Are you sure you’re okay? You look pale.”
Shit. I wiped my forehead with the back of my hand. I really didn’t want him deciding I was sick and getting even more focused on my condition. The last thing I needed was him logging my symptoms and coming up with a conclusion as to what was wrong with me. Or God forbid, hauling me to the doctor.
I was certain the doctor here would follow all the ethical guidelines of not revealing any of my medical details, but I didn’t know that for sure. Things happened. People slipped up. “I’ll be fine.” I forced myself to smile at him. “I promise.”
I turned the air conditioning on full blast and aimed the vent straight at my face. By the time we were back at the farm, I was feeling much better. My breathing was normal, I wasn’t sweating, and my heart was no longer racing.
He nudged me with his elbow. “I’ll get the groceries. You go rest.”
I grabbed the bag with my secret items before he could. I leaned up on my tiptoes and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you for being such a gentleman.”
I swear I saw his cheeks turn pink. A ghost of a smile passed over his face. “I try,” he said. He gestured toward the house. “Go on. Go relax. Take a bath.”
I grinned to myself. He was really thoughtful sometimes. I headed straight to my room and dumped the bag out. I left the gum and the chips on the dresser, and I took the rest of the stuff into the bathroom. I opened the bottle of vitamins
and winced. They smelled awful. And they were big. I put one in my mouth, and swallowed it with some tap water. Ugh. It left a bitter aftertaste.
Next I opened the most expensive pregnancy test. I read the directions three times, and then followed them exactly. In five minutes, I’d have my answer. I set a timer on my phone, and sat down to wait.
I tried not to stare at the timer. Women were late all the time. It didn’t necessarily mean anything. While I waited, I gathered up all the evidence of my shopping trip and stuffed it in the bottom drawer of my dresser. I doubted Tyler would ever look there.
Finally. The timer chimed, and I raced to the test.
In the little window of the test, there was a pink plus sign. It wasn’t faint, not at all. It was a bright, bold line.
I was pregnant.
With Tyler’s baby.
I wrapped the test up in several Kleenex and dumped it in the trash.
What was I going to do?
I had to tell Tyler… eventually. I wasn’t going to keep his child from him. I could tell him now, or I could wait, but at some point, it had to happen.
If I stayed here, then he’d notice himself, in a few months. Saying nothing and letting him figure it out didn’t seem like a great plan either.
Once he knew, would he want custody? Would part-time be enough? What if he wanted the baby full-time?
No. I wouldn’t agree to that. I didn’t plan this child, but I wasn’t going to be a half-ass mother. I was going to raise my baby. If Tyler wanted to be involved, I’d make that happen.
But from where? Would I go back to Chicago? Or would I stay here?
Here in Pine Hills, the baby would have a loving aunt, Abigail, a kind grandmother in Mrs. Whittaker, and a fun uncle in Barrett. Would I leave all that behind to raise the baby in Chicago while I worked full time as a journalist?
Certainly I couldn't go back until the situation with Chirstopher and Carl was resolved.
I really wished I knew how Tyler would react. I knew him well enough to know he’d honor his obligations. He’d never deny the baby was his, and he’d pay all the child support that was required. But would he enjoy being a father? I did not want my child to be an obligation, not to anyone.
