Well, no, that wasn’t exactly true. She’d been battling a mild depression off and on ever since she had viewed Maryanne’s body at the morgue, and it had grown harder to ignore once MacLaughlin moved in. Because of his size, he was highly visible, and he served as a constant reminder of something she would desperately like to forget. The current situation tended to resurrect feelings from an old one. Which was why, despite the Cabaret not requiring its dancers to attend rehearsals on their days off, she had found it easier to attend than to remain in the apartment where recently she had been spending far too many sleepless nights and restless days.
June and Rhonda sat quietly, patiently allowing Amanda the time to sort through her feelings. She knew they wouldn’t press if she decided not to tell June the rest of the story. But she also knew she needed to talk it out of her system. This recently escalated mental funk was not healthy.
Finally, she looked at June across the table and said, “You have to understand that my parents’ anger with Teddy was nothing new. As far as they were concerned, there was little she did that was right. Naturally, she would have liked a little more time to make some decisions about her pregnancy before she had to face them, but—” Amanda shrugged. “Teddy was really crazy about Tim Walters, the father of her baby. She’d never made the class distinctions that were so important to Mother and Father, so she couldn’t understand why they were so appalled to discover that Tim was a mechanic whose dream was to own his own shop.” Amanda laughed cynically. “I think they were more disturbed about his career choice and lack of social standing than Teddy’s pregnancy. They really pitched a fit, as you call it, when she and Tim announced their plans to get married and keep the baby. They had wanted her to have an abortion.”
When Amanda’s voice trailed away, June reached across the table to touch her hand. “But they didn’t get married?”
“No.” Amanda drained her drink and signaled for another. She laughed bitterly. “Oh, no. My parents decided to take a hand”—she did a fluting imitation of her mother’s voice—“for Theodora’s own good.” Then in her own voice she said, “So, a week before the wedding was to take place, Mother and Father invited Tim into the library, where they told him that if he married Teddy, they would cut her off without a penny. But if he walked away that day and cut off further contact with their daughter, they said, they would give him the seventy-five grand he still needed for the shop that he and Teddy were saving to buy.”
She looked at June with bleak eyes. “My parents are not kind people, June. And they took great delight in informing Teddy that the Neanderthal with the grease under his fingernails, whom she’d so foolishly planned to marry, was so blessed dumb he’d just snapped up their offer without bothering to discover that Teddy would be worth ten times that when her trust fund became available on her twenty-fifth birthday.”
“Charming.”
“Yeah, that’s Mother and Father.”
“Is your sister still alive, Amanda?”
“No.” Amanda’s eyes filled with tears, and the drinks she had belted back so ill-advisedly threatened to climb back up her throat. She pushed her glass away and used both hands to massage her temples. Looking up, she met Rhonda’s eyes. “Dammit, I want to let it rest, Rhonda. I do. But it keeps returning to haunt me.” She turned her head to look at June. “When Teddy heard how easy it had been to buy off Tim, she was bitter—very bitter. And she, um, decided on the spot to have the abortion my parents had been pushing.”
Amanda coughed, trying to clear the huge knot from her throat. “We sat up in her room all that night and talked—at least, I talked. Teddy didn’t have much to say. I begged her not to rush into a decision with such far-reaching consequences until she’d had a chance to calm down and think things through. I said…oh, God, I said she was in no condition to make such an important decision, and that I knew she would regret it if she got rid of her baby, especially if she did so before she’d given herself time to calm down and view everything rationally. Frankly, I couldn’t see her doing it at all. She’d been so excited about having a baby, and abortion had never even been one of the options she’d considered before my parents got involved. But the point was, she couldn’t make that kind of decision in her present state of mind. I mean, anyone could see she was in an absolute state of shock. And she agreed. I thought she’d agreed. But when I got home from my recital the next day, I found out she had gone ahead and had the abortion anyway.” Amanda reached into her purse and pulled out a Kleenex. “All alone, dammit, with no one there to support her.” Surreptitiously, she wiped at her eyes, then blew her nose.
“And they botched it?”
“No.” Amanda shook her head so vigorously her hair flew around her head like a storm-blown cloud. “No, it was all very nice and safe and clinical. But as soon as she’d gone through with it, Teddy realized she had made a dreadful mistake. She grieved something awful. I sat with her for the longest time, and it just broke my heart when she told me I had been right. I didn’t want to be right, June; I just didn’t want to see her hurt. I didn’t want to see her do something she wouldn’t be able to live with.” Amanda sat silently for several moments. Finally, she looked up. “That night when she went to bed, she took an entire bottle of Mother’s sleeping pills.”
“Oh, shit,” June whispered.
“I found her the next morning.” Amanda was silent for a moment. Then she looked at the woman across the table and smiled bitterly. “You want to know what upset my parents the most? They wanted to know what on earth they were going to tell their friends. They’d encouraged Teddy to have an abortion she didn’t want, wrecked her relationship with her boyfriend, and then laughed in her face while they told her about it. But their biggest concern was what to tell their stinking friends.” She pinched the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger. “I stayed for Teddy’s funeral. And I finished my school year so I could graduate. But then I left home, and I’ve never been back. God, it’s been ten years now.” She reached for her glass again. “Can’t say that I’ve missed them at all. Not my parents nor either of my other sisters, both of whom are regular little clones of dear old Mother and Father anyway.”
“But you’re still letting it affect your entire life,” Rhonda pointed out.
“How do you come to that conclusion?” Amanda demanded with cool composure. “This is—what?—the second time you’ve seen it affect me, Rhonda. The first time was the year we met when I was depressed on the anniversary of Teddy’s death, and now, seeing Maryanne’s corpse and everything, it’s just sort of dredged it all up again. That’s hardly my entire life.”
“Okay, I’ll admit that except for today, it hasn’t had much of an effect on your professional life. But what about your sex life?”
“What about it?”
“You don’t have one!”
“Well, excuse me. Not all of us live for sex the way you do. But I’m hardly a virgin.”
“You might as well be. You go so long between men, I’m surprised your cherry doesn’t keep growing back.” Rhonda raised her glass in a mock toast. “To Amanda Charles, born-again virgin.”
Amanda laughed, and she realized it had been quite a while since the last time she’d done that. It felt good. “Look, Rhonda, don’t lose any sleep over it. I’m just not the passionate type, okay? I guess all the passion in the Charles family was passed out to Teddy.”
Unexpectedly, June disagreed. “I don’t believe that, sugar.”
Rhonda grinned. “Me either, June-bug, but what’s your reasoning?”
“Her dancing. No one can dance like that and claim she has no passion.”
“You give my ability to dance much more credit than it deserves, June.” Amanda sat straighter in her chair, pushing her drink away. She wouldn’t have believed it, but the absurdity of this conversation was making her feel much, much better. “It certainly isn’t superior to anyone else in the troupe.”
“The heck it’s not,” June disagreed. “You always seem
to catch on to everything quicker than anyone else. Your kicks are higher, your jetés are longer, and you’re always suggesting new routines. Why, Charlie has even been known to actually listen to your opinions!”
“Yeah, Charlie’s got a tender spot for Amanda,” Rhonda agreed.
Amanda ignored Rhonda’s comment and addressed herself to June. “That is really nice of you to say, June, although I can’t say I agree. But even if it were true, that doesn’t have anything to do with passion,” she argued. “It just means I’m a competent technician.”
“Bull,” Rhonda said, and June nodded her head vigorously in agreement. “To anyone who has ever seen you dance, Mandy, that just won’t wash. I think Teddy’s experience reinforced your own natural reserve, and you’ve gotten into the habit of pushing men away. You throw up fences, you act friendly but distant with all the guys, and you’ve got yourself all convinced that hot blood doesn’t run in your veins. But you’re passionate, all right. You just haven’t tapped into the right guy to bring it out in you. Which is hardly surprising, since the few men you do date are the easily managed type. You can deny it to yourself all you want, but when you dance you give yourself away. All that sexuality you’re repressing is out there for the world to see. Why do you think the guys love partnering you? Sure, you’re one of the best dancers in the troupe, but it’s more than that, sweetie. And why do you think they’ve got that pool going about when you’ll tumble?” Rhonda hardened her heart against Amanda’s wince. “They know. You can’t sublimate it into dance forever, though, kiddo. What you really need, more than anything else, Mandy Rose, is a good, raunchy roll in the hay, and I know just the man to give you one, too.”
“Oh, yeah? And who might that be?”
“Your new tenant, the good lieutenant.”
Amanda’s body went icy in shock. “You’re joking!”
“No, ma’am. I’m dead serious. I bet Lieutenant MacLaughlin could bounce you around a bed like nobody’s business.” Her eyes grew dreamy. “Umm, that man. What do you wanna bet he knows how to make a girl scream for more?”
Amanda’s nose tilted disdainfully. “You take him, then.”
“Don’t think I wouldn’t, if Chad weren’t in the picture. Hell, maybe even then, if MacLaughlin showed the slightest bit of interest. Chad is beginning to lose his charm anyway. But MacLaughlin’s not interested in me, kiddo. You’re the one he’s simply dying to love up.”
“You’re crazy,” Amanda whispered, appalled at the vivid imagery that sprang full-blown in her mind, yet surprisingly, a little excited by it, too. What would it be like to see him come alive, to see all that icy control ripped away?
“Okay, if you say so,” Rhonda said and shrugged. “But that cutie he hangs out with, the bald guy with the big mustache—Detective Cash? I know he agrees with me. I’ve seen him eyeballing the lieutenant, then you, and then the lieutenant again. And he isn’t fooled by that aloof act MacLaughlin puts on around you any more than I am. He’s hot for you, all right. Trust me on this. I have radar when it comes to these sorta things.”
“The thought of MacLaughlin and me in bed would be funny, if it wasn’t so pathetic,” Amanda said disparagingly. “I don’t think he’s ever had an emotion in his life that wasn’t preprogrammed, and goodness knows, sex isn’t at the top of my hit parade. Not exactly my idea of the sizzler of the century, Rhonda. I can see the headlines now, though.” Her fingers fanned wide in front of her face. “ROBOCOP MEETS INDIFFERENT WOMAN: MILLIONS YAWN. You couldn’t even sell it to the Enquirer.”
“Ooh, I think you’re seriously underestimating the man, Amanda,” Rhonda disagreed. “And I know damn well you’re underestimating yourself. Listen. Let me set up a little scenario for you. Just suspend your disbelief and your inhibitions for a moment and use your imagination. Okay, here we have two perfect physical specimens…”
Amanda blushed, and Rhonda almost hooted with delight. She knew it! Yes, yes, yes, she knew it! Despite all her protests, her reticent little friend hadn’t failed to notice the good lieutenant. Exerting a great deal of self-control, Rhonda managed not to gloat, continuing in an even tone, “We put them together in a room. Add a little wine…”
“Rhonda, please…”
“And maybe a few strategically placed candles…”
“Rhonda…”
“Quit interrupting. You’ll definitely need a place that will lend itself to lovemaking. Doesn’t have to be a bed, necessarily.”
Amanda rolled her eyes.
“Stop that,” Rhonda commanded. “Did I mention you’re naked? He removed your clothes, because he knew if he didn’t strip you down fast, you’d cut and run. Okay, kid. I’ve set the stage. Now, voyeurism isn’t my thing, so this is where I fade out and the two of you take over.”
“In that case, we’re already in trouble, because I sure don’t know what to do next.”
“He’s the blunt-spoken, forceful type, Mandy, so you don’t have to sweat it. Ooh, kiddo, I can just hear him now, telling you exactly how he likes it.”
“How ducky. And if I don’t follow his instructions explicitly, he’ll no doubt whip out his gun and blow me away.”
“Interesting choice of words, Amanda.”
She shivered. “Could we change the subject, please? This one’s making me nervous.”
Rhonda grinned knowingly at the red bloom on Amanda’s cheeks, but feeling merciful, she didn’t pursue it, and the conversation moved on to less personal matters. The talk was inconsequential, but they laughed a great deal and Amanda’s mood was worlds removed from the one with which she’d started the day by the time Rhonda and June had to leave to return to the Cabaret.
Half convinced her depression would return if she went straight home with nothing better to occupy herself than an aimless wander around her apartment, she decided to risk twenty dollars at a blackjack table. By the time she called a cab at midnight, she had somehow beat the odds and made herself a thirty-seven-dollar profit. It wasn’t a fortune, she knew, but she was still elated. She was also decidedly tipsy, thanks in part to the additional free drinks the casino had supplied while she played cards. When the cab pulled up to her curb, she decided some fresh air was probably in order and took a short walk around the yard to clear her head.
She could hear the faint sound of Ace barking from inside MacLaughlin’s apartment as she passed it. A few minutes later, picking her way through the deeper shadows cast by the high rockery bordering her yard, she shivered in the chill night air. As usual, the only predictable element of Reno’s climate was its complete unpredictability. It had been sunny and mild when she left home this afternoon, so she hadn’t thought to grab a jacket. And naturally, since she wasn’t prepared, the temperature must have dropped thirty-five degrees. That wasn’t at all unusual for this town, of course, but it was still a nuisance.
She had to admit it had a side benefit, though. Her head seemed to be clearing quite satisfactorily as a result of the chill night air. She would simply complete the process inside with a nice, hot bath. Ooh, yes. She smiled in anticipation. A deep, hot bath with a generous handful of scented bath beads tossed in for good measure.
Turning away from the dense pools of darkness that comprised the areas away from the lighted walks, Amanda took a cautious step forward and bumped up against a large, hard body. A hand clamped down on her arm, and she felt a warm trickle down the inside of her thighs as the shock of discovering she wasn’t alone loosened her bladder. Humiliated at her body’s loss of control, furious, and scared, she struck out wildly and opened her mouth to scream, hoping against hope that MacLaughlin was home and would hear her in time. But although she felt her fist connect, a tough-skinned hand clamped over her mouth before she could utter a sound.
Pure panic suffused her. She bit at the hand covering her mouth; she slammed her knee up between her assailant’s legs in an attempt to disable him; she struck at him with fists and fingernails. But he was big—so big. He whirled her around and pulled her back against his b
ody. She kicked backward and bucked wildly against the arms restraining her. Her eyes strained in the darkness. Oh, God, was she going to die like Maryanne and those other two dancers? Her assailant’s breath whistled harshly and it was a moment before Amanda realized she recognized the voice growling in her ear.
“It’s MacLaughlin, Miss Charles; it’s MacLaughlin.” Tristan loosened the hand over her mouth, but he wasn’t prepared to take it away entirely until he was satisfied she knew who he was. The way she still struggled made it evident it hadn’t yet sunk in. He gave her a small shake. “Amanda! Settle down, darlin’; it’s only me. It’s MacLaughlin.”
“Mcmmphlin?” It was MacLaughlin? Here she’d been trying to scream for his help, and it was he from whom she needed rescuing? God, she’d nearly had a heart attack! One of Tristan’s fingers had slid into the moist recess of Amanda’s mouth when his grip on her relaxed, and with vicious intent she bit down hard.
“Ow! Bloody hell!” Tristan released her. “What’d you do that for?”
Amanda whirled around in fury. She took a swing at him, but, sucking on his injured finger, he ducked. The ease with which he evaded her blow made her livid and she waded in with all ten fingernails bared, prepared to strip the skin from his face. “You bastard! You lousy, lousy bastard!” Tears of fright and relief and rage splashed down her cheeks.
Tristan caught both her wrists in his hands and forced them down to her sides. “What the bloody hell were you doing skulking out in the garden at this time of night?” he demanded violently. He clasped both wrists in one hand and clumsily wiped the tears from her cheeks with the other. Dammit, he had planned to apologize for scaring her so badly, but the more he thought about how easily she could have been taken had he actually been the killer they sought, the angrier he became. His usual and accustomed objectivity had disappeared somewhere during their scuffle. Cautiously, he loosened her wrists, and she yanked them free.
Shadow Dance Page 13
