“No!” Amanda jumped to her feet. Knuckling the tears from her eyes, she rushed over to squat down in front of Rhonda’s chair. Peering earnestly up into her friend’s face, she saw the pain there, only partly disguised behind Rhonda’s indignation.
“I love you for you,” she said flatly. “And you are not a slut. I told you I only said that to hurt you, and it looks as if I did a pretty damn good job of it.”
Amanda grasped the other woman’s hands in her own. “It’s true that what first drew me to you is the fact that you’re a lot like Teddy. But you are a much stronger woman than she was. Trist…” She choked in the middle of his name. “Um, Tristan once said Teddy was a coward.” She shook her head and laughed bitterly. “God, I hated hearing him say that, but maybe he was right. I’ve given it a lot of thought since I last saw you, and I know that I’ve had a tendency to idealize Teddy since her death. Well, it’s a fact that I will always love her, and she will always have a special place in my heart. But the truth is, she should have come out fighting, instead of taking Mother’s pills. That’s what you would have done.” Amanda’s eyes drilled into her friend’s. “You are so many things that I am not, and you possess qualities that I don’t—qualities I admire. You’re more lighthearted, and you’re friendlier, and people are automatically at ease with you. You accept things for what they are instead of trying to analyze them to death, the way I do. And you’re brave. You don’t give a damn what people say about you.”
Rhonda’s hands jerked in Amanda’s grasp. “Everyone cares what people say about them, Amanda.”
“But you always laugh when anyone says anything the least bit critical.”
“Well, okay. The opinions of some of those idiots we know are pretty hard to take seriously. But I want to be liked, just like everybody else. There’s probably not a person alive who doesn’t crave approval from someone at one time or another.” Rhonda stared down into Amanda’s round, earnest eyes. “When you came along, you were like manna from heaven, Amanda. Sure, there were people who’d always think of me when there was a good time to be had. I had about a million acquaintances to knock around with, but not one really close friend. It was like a special gift from God the way you and I just clicked—as if we’d known each other forever. You are the least judgmental person I know, and you’ve always made me feel that no matter what I did, you would always like me. That’s why, for you to say—”
Amanda squeezed her hands. “Will you please believe that I only said what I did to strike back at you?” she interrupted. “You made me feel things that were painful, Rhonda, and I was damned if I was going to hurt alone. But I’m sorry—so sorry. God, don’t let something I said in the heat of the moment ruin our relationship.” She found herself squeezing Rhonda’s fingers with increasing strength and forced herself to loosen her grasp. “Please, Rhonda. I hate being alienated from you.”
“Well, I really should make you sweat,” Rhonda said, and then she smiled at Amanda—a real smile this time, from the heart. “But, what the hell. Deep down in my heart of hearts, I know you’ll be eaten up with guilt for the next six months anyhow, so one way or the other, I’ll have my revenge.”
Amanda laughed, thinking that no matter how much she resolved to change her ways, Rhonda was most likely right. It was difficult to reverse habits developed over a lifetime. She raised up on her knees and Rhonda met her halfway. They clung to one another. Sweet relief flowed through Amanda’s veins at having her friend back again. With reluctance, she loosened her hold when Rhonda pulled back to look in Amanda’s eyes.
“What are you going to do about Tristan, Amanda?”
“Nothing.” Amanda couldn’t look her in the eye. “I don’t know.” She got up from her crouched position and resumed her seat on the chair across from Rhonda’s, eyeing her friend uncertainly. “You said he’s probably found someone to replace me.”
“And you believed that bullshit? Jeez Marie, kid, I guess I’ve already had my revenge.” Rhonda studied Amanda’s face. “I’m sorry, Mandy. I told you that for the same reason you called me a slut, I guess—because I was angry and I wanted to hit you where you live. You must know it’s not true. That man loves you.”
“Maybe. But maybe he’s forgotten all about me. I haven’t heard a word from him since he left.”
“And whose fault is that? You didn’t exactly leave him with a whole lot of hope, kiddo. You literally told him to leave town and get out of your life.”
Rhonda knew a number of things about Tristan that she could have told Amanda, but she decided against it. This was one decision Amanda would have to make on nothing more than her own gut feelings. So instead, Rhonda told her friend what she believed in her heart to be true. “The next step has to be yours.”
“I guess,” Amanda agreed. But deep down where it really counted, she was scared to death she lacked the courage to take it.
Chapter
21
“MacLaughlin!”
Tristan looked up from his desk as Sergeant Talbot walked over to him. “I’ll take over here,” the other man said. “There’s a real hot-lookin’ honey who’s been waiting almost two hours to see you. Had to put her in the roll call room when it looked like the guys’ drooling was gonna cause a health hazard on my nice clean floors.”
Tristan smiled slightly, informed Talbot of the charges against his prisoner, and walked away. He pushed his glasses up on his nose. The “hot-lookin’ honey” was most likely Julie, a recently acquired informant. She was a hooker out on Highway 99 near the airport, and her flashy attire generally exposed a great deal of leg and cleavage. For her to show up here, she must have something good—maybe something on the Hunter case. Usually, she just called to have him meet her in one of the dimly lighted dives out on Pacific Highway South. He opened the door to the roll call room, then froze in the doorway.
“Hello, Tristan.” Amanda rose to her feet, smiling hesitantly. Her heart beat so hard she could barely breathe. His face, as he stopped and stared at her, looked as expressionless as the first time they’d met. Had she left it too late? She swallowed drily and forced herself to continue. “My safe little world got lonely, just like you said it would.”
“Mandy? Oh, Jesus, lass, Amanda?” He crossed the room in two giant strides and grabbed her. His arms swallowed her up, crushing her to him. Blindly, dipping his head, his mouth sought hers and the old familiar heat exploded between them. Mouths and bodies clung. He waltzed her backward until he had her pressed against the wall, and his hands were everywhere. It wasn’t until he had dragged her skirt up around her waist and slid his wide-splayed fingers beneath her silk panties to grip her bare bottom that he remembered where they were. Laughing shakily, he stepped back and helped her arrange her clothing, then reached out to brush the light curls of her bangs away from her dark eyebrows. His eyes couldn’t get enough of her. “God, darlin’. I canna believe you’re really here.”
Amanda searched his face. “You don’t mind that I’ve come to the precinct, then? I was going to go to your apartment, but Joe said you’d probably be easier to track down at work.”
“Are you serious?” Looking closely, he could see that she was. Her diminished confidence was a legacy from Dean Eggars, just one more thing for which the bloody beggar would never be called to account. “No.” His emphatic voice left no room for doubt. “Lord, lass, no.” He pulled her into his arms again and laughed, feeling wonderful. “Would I kiss you like that and try to climb into your pants in the middle of the roll call room if I minded? No one else has ever been able to make me forget where I am the way you do. I love you, Amanda Rose. Never doubt it.”
“I love you so much, Tristan,” she whispered and began to cry. “I was so afraid I had ruined everything between us for good. I was such a mess when you left, and I didn’t know if you’d even want me anymore, but I had to come and find out.” She brushed at the tears on her cheeks. “I’m sorry, MacLaughlin. God, I’m so sorry about everyth…”
“Hush, lass.
Shh, now.” He held her tight and rubbed his jaw against her hair. “Y’needn’t be apologizing to me. And I wasn’t giving up, you know. I was coming after you.”
Amanda tilted her head back to look at him, her eyes solemn and full of hope. “You were?”
“Oh, yeah. I wasn’t about to let you go without a fight. I’m being transferred to the Reno Police Department, Amanda—permanently. Captain Weller helped me make the arrangements.”
Amanda’s sudden smile was radiant. “Oh, Tristan, honestly? How? When? Oh, God, this is wonderful.”
Tristan smiled at her excitement. He felt so good. He had thought he would have to work his way back into her life in gradual stages, but here she was. She had come to him. He led her over to a chair and waited until she was settled. Whipping another chair around, he pulled it up close to face hers, then straddled it, crossing his arms over its back.
“I was pissed about having to return to Seattle,” he explained. “I thought that maybe if I hadn’t been under pressure to return, I could have figured a way to work things out with you.” One shoulder hunched up toward his ear. “That theory might not’ve been grounded in any sort of reality, but it was the way I felt when I got back to Seattle. First thing I did was storm into the captain’s office and tell him I was quitting to move to Reno. Captain Weller pointed out that I was only three and a half years short of being eligible for my pension. He insisted I had invested too many years to flush it all down the loo, but I didn’t care. I’ve never been in love before, and I couldn’t see a way to work out our differences if I had to do it long distance.”
He was silent for a few moments as he sat facing her, tracking his gaze over every inch of her, searching for changes. He reached out and tested the softness of her skin with his fingertips. “You know I’m not much good at sharing my feelings, but I had to talk to someone, so somehow I ended up spilling my guts all over his office. Mandy, I’ve ever thought the captain’s something of a sod, but he’s been dead grand about this. He said I always was a hard-nose, and that it was almost worth losing a good cop to see me knocked on my ass by love. And he promised to do his damnedest to get me transferred with my pension intact if I’d just keep my shirt on and promise him two months in return to train my replacement and help tie up some loose ends.” Tristan grinned at her. “He bloody well did it, too. He made the arrangements with the brass in Reno. I’ve got a week left here and then I’ve got some accrued vacation time coming. We can use it for a honeymoon. I don’t have to report to the Reno PD until the fifteenth of October.”
Amanda had been listening to his account with undiluted pleasure, but that one word made her eyes widen, and she gave him a slight smile. “Honeymoon? Are we getting married, then, MacLaughlin?”
“Oh, aye, lass; that we are. As soon as we get back to Reno. I’ve got it all planned. We’ll find a real church, not one of those bloody little no-wait chapels, and Rhonda and Joe will stand up for us. They’ve agreed. We’ve just been waiting on you, then.”
It clearly didn’t occur to him that she might find it arrogant of him to have arranged for attendants before he had even asked her to marry him. Briefly, Amanda considered pointing it out to him, but upon consideration, she left the words unsaid. She had come to Seattle not knowing what her reception would be, but fearing in her heart that having sent him away in order to preserve her foggy benumbed world it might have cost her his love entirely. She had treated him shabbily to protect her own frayed emotions, but he had been making plans to get back to her all along. It would take a woman with more brass than she possessed to criticize his methods.
Instead, she asked mildly, “So you’ve been in touch with Rhonda since you left?” Rhonda had lounged on her bed and listened to Amanda worry about Tristan’s reaction to having her show up unannounced, and she hadn’t uttered a single word to alleviate her tension. She probably thought I deserved to stew for being such an idiot in the first place. “Did she tell you I was coming?”
“No.” Tristan hitched his chair closer to Amanda’s. “She let me know that there were no complications with Ace, and he was doing all right. She let me know how you were doing.” He reached out and plucked Amanda’s left hand out of her lap. He inspected her forearm, which was a little thinner and paler than the right. Without raising his eyes, he continued, “She told me the cast came off two days ago. And that even though Charlie was foaming at the mouth, he was an opportunist above all else, so he didn’t dare replace the woman who had escaped the Showgirl Slayer. She informed me that he’s holding your place at the Cabaret until you’re ready to go back, and that he’ll probably blazon it across the marquee when you do, for the sheer publicity value.”
Amanda stared at the top of his head as he gave all of his attention to her once-broken arm. She wished he would look at her. “Rhonda told me a lot of things,” he continued. “She advised me to give you time, promised me that you would come to your senses. She told me that—oh, hell, how did she put it? Oh, yeah, that way down deep, in your heart of hearts, you loved me.”
He raised his head suddenly and his steady, serious eyes were nearly pewter with the intensity of his thoughts. For several heartbeats he was silent as he stared at her. “But she dinna tell me you were coming to me,” he finally ground out in a voice made rough by suppressed emotion. “She dinna tell me that.”
“Rhonda is the best friend I have—probably a better friend than I deserve,” Amanda said softly. “I said some awful things to her after you left.”
Amanda told Tristan about the confrontation the day Rhonda had removed the kid gloves. “I still can’t believe I said those things to her,” Amanda whispered, staring at Tristan. “I’m so ashamed of myself. Rhonda’s talk is more promiscuous than she is—” She correctly interpreted Tristan’s skeptical look. “Okay. Rhonda is every bit as promiscuous as her talk. But that’s Rhonda, and it’s her business. I mean, isn’t that the whole point of being someone’s friend? Aren’t you supposed to accept them for who they are and not expect them to be an exact replica of yourself? I never gave a damn about the number of her sexual encounters. And I knew even as I was throwing the words in her face that she’s always been very cautious about the health of her partners.”
Tristan found it hard to visualize Amanda being deliberately hurtful. Usually, Emily Post could learn a thing or two from her. “Did you apologize, lass?”
“As soon as I pulled myself together, but that’s not the point. I never should have said those things in the first place: I spewed that stuff out for one reason only, in order to hurt her. She held up a mirror and wouldn’t let me ignore the unflattering image of what I was letting myself become, and it hurt. God, Tristan, it hurt so damn much that all I could think about was hitting back. Well, I did a bang-up job. Do you know, in all the time that I’ve known Rhonda, I had never seen her cry? It still twists my stomach in knots to know that I deliberately picked the very words that made her do so.”
Tristan picked up her hand and fiddled with her slender fingers. “I’m not saying it was a nice thing to do, Mandy,” he said quietly. “But you can’t beat yourself over the head with it forever, either. Did you not care about her saying I’d be finding someone else to replace you in my bed?”
A flush darkened Amanda’s cheeks. “I told myself I didn’t care. For the next two weeks, while I was getting my life back together, I assured myself it would be for the best if you did. But, oh God, Tristan, I was so jealous at the thought, it was like some malignant thing inside of me, eating me alive.”
“Well, then, Rhonda got in some licks of her own, didn’t she? Have you not forgiven her for that?”
“Yes, of course. She swore she only said it because she was hurt and angry.”
“Lass, you can’t keep hugging the guilt of your mistakes to your chest. You have a tendency to do that, y’know—to set impossible standards for yourself and then beat yourself over the head when you fail to attain them. If you’ve forgiven her for saying something hurtful, isn’t it reas
onable to assume that she’s forgiven you as well?”
“Yes.” Amanda’s sudden smile lit up the room. “Yes, that is reasonable. I’ve said as much to myself, but somehow, it’s more valid coming from you. Oh, I do love you, Tristan MacLaughlin. How’d you get to be so smart?”
“I’m a college graduate, darlin’. I can think circles around a dancer with a paltry high school education.” His tone was perfectly serious, but the glance that accompanied the words was sly, and Amanda grinned at him. A teasing MacLaughlin was a man few people ever saw. Even as she watched, he grew sober again.
“Mandy, why did you hate me for killing Eggars?”
She stared at him in shock. “What are you talking about? I didn’t hate you!”
“I’ll not soon forget the look you gave me when I shot him, Amanda Rose. It was as if I’d turned into something repugnant right before your eyes. I recognize hate when I see it, lass, and I need to know why. I know you never liked my gun. Was that it? Or because I convinced you to get a weapon?” He had been living with the questions for seven weeks now.
“No!” Amanda’s stomach knotted as she thought of the moment in question. “Tristan, it only had to do with you peripherally. Honest. I didn’t hate you. I couldn’t.” Seeing that he was prepared to argue, she looked around the bleak room. “Do you think we could go someplace else to talk?”
Tristan glanced at his watch, surprised at how much time had passed. He led her from the room, but it was quite a while before they were able to leave the station. The minute they hit the squad room several people approached. A few needed questions answered, but most just wanted an introduction to the woman who had managed to change MacLaughlin so dramatically. By the time he was able to sign out the shift had changed, and that meant even more people wanting to meet her.
“Don’t expect much,” Tristan warned her as he unlocked his apartment door some time later. “I’ve been packing to move.” He didn’t add that the apartment had not been noticeably better before.
Shadow Dance Page 33
