He’s afraid of having me, only to lose me to a broken mind when our world’s turned upside down, or maybe even death, which ends us both. His father’s filling his head with all of this doubt and it’s all so very clear now why he’s struggling with what he should do.
There’s a part of him who’s strong enough to defy his father if he chose to, I was wrong about that, I see that now. He swayed him over the villagers and their coming here under force.
It’s Colton’s own insecurity over whether he can put his feelings aside and make a right choice, not just for his people, but for us, that’s screwing him up. He’s terrified of what might happen to me if he puts me in a place that his mom was, carrying the burden of many, riding into battle ahead of the hordes, and expecting me to mentally hold myself, and them, together as a Luna should. He’s overthinking all the possibilities, with many others whispering in his ear. The men who are wiser, older, powerful in our midst. This is way more complex and it all feels so hopeless. It’s not just about a wolf deciding on a mate… it’s so much more hanging in the balance. He’s our future, where all eyes lay to lead us when Juan no longer does.
“I’m not going to lie… I don’t know.” He flinches as the words spill out, screwing up his face and hunching down in disappointment at his own inability to even answer that without confusion.
I can’t even be mad at that, because I’ve no idea what’s coming with this war, or what his mom went through ten years ago, but he does. He fought on our lands as a warrior, defended us from smaller invasions, as an adult should even though he was only a child. He’s seen the reality of what’s coming and still bears the scars.
I think I have the strength and courage to deal with it, but maybe I’m just a child with a stubborn head, and a foolish heart, who thinks the fates would never steer her wrong. Maybe I’m the delusional one, grasping at hopes and being ridiculous. I have no words and my hand slides back into my lap with the weight of realization punching me in the gut. Screwing me up emotionally, mentally, and physically.
“Now do you understand? …. Love, it’s not the issue. I’m yours, heart and soul, every beat just for you.” Colton reaches for my hand, enveloping mine in his, but failing to warm the icy cold seeping through me with his touch. A sad desperation in the air as I nod hopelessly, accepting the real truth as it stretches endlessly between us, like a gulf we can never cross. Head filled with so much, and yet my heart empty, desolate, as numb overtakes me to save me from the pain it can’t deal with.
There isn’t an answer to this, a way out, a ray of hope in the dark. The fates, they should never have let any of this happen to either of us. I love him, but I’m not enough.
Time
It’s been a few days since Colton told me about his mom and I swear she keeps plaguing my thoughts. It’s like a tiny itch in my brain I can’t shake, and I keep coming back to it repeatedly for no obvious reason. I even dreamt of her last night, and it was the weirdest most confusing thing ever. It came after I finally located a memory of her in this shared library of thoughts and couldn’t shake her soft face from my visuals. I must have tried too hard and implanted her in my brain to mess with me, it’s the only explanation.
I do remember her vaguely without Colton’s influence, only in my own memories she’s faceless, because I couldn’t remember her all that well, so it’s nice to apply features to her. She has Colton’s flawless beauty, his black hair, darkest chocolate eyes, and sallow skin, with a soft ambience that’s less masculine than his.
She used to come to the library near our farm every weekend to read books to the children. I remember her being a caring quiet lady, well spoken, well dressed, and she had no prejudices whatsoever against wolves from rival packs, the children were all one to her. She always wanted to see us live in peace and harmony, and she had this warm pull that I see in Colton sometimes, when he isn’t closing up on me and freezing me out.
The dream lingers in my mind, despite being up for hours, and now, I’m sat on the grass taking a break from training and can still feel her voice ebbing back to me from the recess of my mind. Fatigue letting it slip back in as I cool down and catch my breath, and her haunting melodic tone, filled with pleading, rings through again, the words which woke me this morning.
“Save us.”
It’s all that comes through and it gives me the same shivers it did when I dreamt it. She walked up to me, in a bright white, sterile, wall less space, with no one else around me but blurred nothingness of light and stale air. Standing in the middle of what felt like a hospital, I don’t know, unsure where I was meant to go or how I even got there. Confused.
She appeared in the distance at first, catching my eye, almost hazy and surrounded by a fog which cleared as she came closer. Dressed in a light shapeless gown, almost like a medical covering, except it was pure snow white, not blue, or patterned. Her hair was loose, free, and hung longer than I can recall from my memory bank, almost touching her waist, whereas she always kept it jaw length in even Colton’s memories.
When she came into focus at first, I could see her cheeks were wet with tears, eyes blood shot, her skin streaked where they had fallen repeatedly and her smock was soaked through, as though they’d been absorbing thousands of them, for an eternity. Her desperate sadness consumed, and overwhelmed me, and I was rooted to the spot, unable to breathe with the heaviness of her pain.
She was eerily pale, beautiful still, but only the shadow of the woman from Colton’s memories, thin and worn down, as though her life was being sucked away. She touched my face softly, startling me with the sheer heat she exuded, leaned in so close that she almost kissed me, her warmth invading the coolness of my own air and whispered it right into my face, startling me to wake in the dull stillness of my own room.
Those two damned words.
Shuddering again, aware the memory of her touch on my skin has pushed a physical sensation on my cheek, and I touch it in a bid to remove the feel of it. The dream felt so real and I hate that it won’t leave me alone in waking hours, replaying on a loop, and affecting me so deeply. The total opposite to Colton though, as he’s been practically absent, physically, and mentally.
Something he’s been doing for an infuriating number of days. It’s like opening up about her reminded him of all the reasons he chose to reject me, and he back tracked at a hundred miles an hour and completely pulled away. He’s been on active avoidance ever since and it’s both broken me and pissed me off beyond the limits of boundary.
He comes to training, barks orders at me from a safe distance, and has our mind link on permanent closed door. It’s making me madder than hell, infuriating that once again he has done another U turn, but whenever I try to talk to him, he walks off and blanks me. He makes sure I can’t get close, I can’t touch him, and he either sticks with the sub pack so I can’t get him alone or leaves before anyone else does so I can’t follow. A big fat ‘stay away’ from me aura, all around that dense head of his, and he won’t even look me in the eye.
I know what he’s doing, and as much as I want to punch him in his genitals for it, I do understand, but it’s just so frustrating. What makes is worse, is Carmen has caught onto the strained atmosphere and is laying on the oozing flirt mode with all her might, driving even the males of the pack to eye roll every time she baby talks him. I think she sees it as hope, or an opening that she’s on the path to getting him back, and it’s making me sick to watch her smugly move in on him at every opportunity she gets.
Colton still isn’t tolerating her, but it doesn’t mean I’m not having visions of turning and ripping her throat out multiple times a day. Killing a fellow wolf from your pack is a mortal sin, no matter the excuse, but I would happily pay the time for that crime.
Meadow is the only thing keeping me sane, and last night she camped out in my room to cheer me up and distract me, watching movies, and having girl time to throw off all the stresses of everything going on around us. She brought me clothes, and make up, not that I need
them now my own belongings were left at my door when I came back from training a couple of days ago. I suspect Colton went and packed up everything with my scent on in the orphanage, but I can’t be sure, and he won’t stick around to let me ask him at all. It adds to my fury, because it shows he still cares, he still thinks about my needs, but he won’t face me at all. His mind is set, and I know what this means for us, he’s already chosen his course of action and he’s biding his time until it’s done.
He doesn’t come to mess hall to eat either, just shows up at the park to train and leaves as soon as we’re done for the day. He spends the rest of his time with Juan, patrolling the lay of the land, and overseeing the training camp and the new buildings. I’ve seen them walking together many times and I almost couldn’t control my own loathing growls, or the hatred I have for that man.
The pack is getting uneasy and Meadow mentioned that he hasn’t called any kind of communal since, as though he’s avoiding any real dialogue with any of us. He knows the pack will have questions about this. He brought me to them, made it seem like I might have a chance and then snubbed me as they were beginning to accept my presence.
He’s caught inside his own head as he tries to work things out, but we’re losing time. Ticking away slowly as the full moon approaches in its cycle and I don’t think I can take much more. Logic is telling me to give up on him, but I don’t want to accept this is it. That he’s done and given up on us after what he said to me. My heart doesn’t want to believe he could be this way.
I’ve been lost in my own thoughts, anxious, obsessing, crying, and worrying myself sick with the chaos of this lack of closure. I’m not being a cold idiot and cutting him off, or avoiding him, like he is me. I would talk to him in a heartbeat if he let me. It’s like he just abandoned me after dumping me in his sub pack, with no idea what I’m supposed to be now, how to feel, and what I’m meant to do after the full moon.
If he marks her where do I go? What do I do? I’m only here because of my link to him. I’m not a Santo, I don’t belong here and although the sub pack seem to be warming to me, I’m not bonded to them. I’m not one of them, and Carmen will kick my ass to the curb the second he marks her.
She’ll be his beta, until she takes her place as Luna, pushing Meadow down the ranks, from merely becoming his mate. That’s how it works. She’ll have more say than any of them and I can see Colton allowing her to move me out for the sake of their pairing. She hates me with a passion and spends all her time either drooling after him or throwing me shade. It’s just a waiting game until she has that power to finally eject me.
I exhale heavily and pull myself up off the grass where I’ve been sitting cross legged for the past ten minutes, ripping at strands absentmindedly, letting my mind run riot, as Meadow strolls on up beside me and slumps down too. She’s barely flushed, no evidence of panting after scaling thirty-foot tree climbs, and almost no sweat has formed on any part of her at all. I’m over here looking like I rolled in a puddle, red faced, and having a cardiac arrest some twenty minutes after I did it, and she’s utterly unaffected.
I have to admit though, in only a few short days, my stamina is improving, and I no longer hit the shakes and near vomit like the first time we did this. I’m getting stronger.
“What is it when men today? I swear, I must be getting my own cycle, because I want to stab idiots in the head. It’s like the haze is coming in and making them all stupid, or loco.” Meadow falls back on the grass, seeming very athletic in pink leggings, and matching sports bra, that enhance her natural assets. Cesar has been driving her mad the past few days, with his overprotective side kicking in, as Juan upped the training schedule and started pushing his agenda a little harder. He’s been all over her, shadowing her through the course, stopping her before any he thinks might be dangerous, and meeting her fury at molly coddling her. Males can’t help it, even if their femmes are capable, it’s that need to shelter their mate.
The haze is mating season, and yes, it’s fast approaching, and can make the males a little crazy possessive, over sensitive, and willing to wrap their mates in wadding. It’s an inevitable part of our year, which thankfully is short lived, but sees every male and femme who’ve been turned go into horny overdrive. Most mated couples don’t leave the bedrooms for days on end. The unmated are fair game, and result in rushed unions after it’s over, many markings out of unwanted pupping’s have been borne in the past. It’s craziness. I’m not looking forward to it coming at all, seeing as this will be my first year on this side of the fence and I have no idea how it’s going to feel. Especially with a head and heart invested in a guy who intends to mark another.
Meanwhile, the villagers around the mountain are refusing to budge with, only a few actually moving to the makeshift accommodation Juan has been building. I know this is angering him and it’s denting his ego that these people don’t see him as the authority he thought they did. After all these years of swanning around, thinking his transition to ruler was set in stone and no one would dispute it.
His anger is obvious and the show of force yesterday as trucks came in, depositing screaming women and children in the camp, hinted that he’s snapped and started to take them against their will. It’s horrendous, and I watched in horror as women with bound wrists, roped so they couldn’t fight, were hauled out and unclamped to be reunited with hysterical children from another truck. He separated them. Taken babies from mothers in a bid to keep them compliant. Their mates following soon after, giving up the fight and coming to submissive control to be with their families.
Who does that?
It left a mixed feeling among the Santos and everyone has been on edge, nipping at one another, having to police the new additions in case they try to return home. You can feel the utter disgust in the air around us. No one questioning their alpha, but no one agrees with this. The Santos aren’t as bad as I used to think they all were, and it’s obvious that many are not like Juan at all.
Colton was beside him on the podium when the first trucks came in, and he couldn’t stomach it for more than seconds. Saying something to his father, I could see his aggression peeking, his expression thunderous, his eyes glowing even from this distance, and his actions animated as though showing his disapproval angrily. They argued and Colton stormed off and stayed out of sight for the rest of the deposit. The elders all looking on in silent agreement with Juan, showing who exactly in this hierarchy were the empty hearted and power hungry with all the control. Traitors to their own kind.
It feels like this place is turning into a prison, much like the home was, with wardens and it’s fast collapsing around Juan’s ears as wolves begin to question this in the corners and hallways. You hear the whispers, but they soon fall silent for fear it’ll get back to him. Everyone knows he’s ruthless and will punish any one of them, blood or not. He has his own lethal pack of war bitten psychotic wolves who do his bidding. His elders, his brother, and his beta. Four deathly loyal sub packs at his beck and call if you dismiss Colton’s. Strong enough of a mini army to get wolves to fear them. Juan’s untouchable and has the force to back up his claim to being the uniting alpha. He rules with fear, not respect. There’s no care in his heart.
There’s been no word on any vampire attacks beyond ours since the orphanage, we’ve had no word that Juan has actually let anyone know about, and there hasn’t been any new hits or hints of a threat. Apart from my new living situation it’s like it never happened and no one mentions the lives we lost that day. I didn’t even get to bury them or pay my last respects. The cleanup crew moved in and their bodies were burned outside the city limits without anyone being told until after it was done. Like worthless trash that needed to be disposed of. A black mark Juan wanted to wipe clean and push out of sight, because he can never be seen to be failing at anything.
Juan hiding more shame, the same way he hides his failure mate, Luna Sierra Santo. It seems he likes to keep secrets and pretend history is not what it is. I wonder how many of the s
tories of our victories of the war have been exaggerated and twisted. No one talks of the fallen, or the battles they lost, they only teach us of the heroic wins and the wolves that came back.
“Tell me about it. Colton is high on my hit list today, not that I’ll get close enough to do anything about it.” I sulk into my own lap, answering Meadow, depressed and exhausted with this situation, and Meadow leans up on her elbows to look at me.
“He won’t even talk to me about it, Chica. God knows I’ve tried, but he’s inside his own head. He does this sometimes, although not for so long. Goes into lockdown and pushes everyone to arm’s length until he figures it out on his own, been this way since the wars made him grow up way too fast. I think the impending full moon is only making him worse, as the clock ticks down, and his father is still messing with his head. I swear, if Juan left him alone for just a week, maybe even a couple of days, that boy would soon see right and do what his heart is telling him.” Meadow spreads to star shaped across the grass and blows out a huge lungful of air, as though to expel her frustration, staring at the sky.
“Has his father said anything more about Carmen?” I ask outright, afraid to have these conversations with her as they always leave me feeling worse, but she’s the only person I have had to talk to, and I know she’s on my side in this.
“Only that Colton needs to think of the future of his people. Honestly, I don’t even know why Juan is rooting for Carmen, she wasn’t good enough a month ago, when he was constantly telling him he needed to get serious a find a better mate. I don’t get it.” Meadow shrugs, rolling on her side to perch herself up on one elbow, picking out some peeking daisies and twirls them between those talons she calls nails.
Awakening: Book 1 Page 23
