by Lina Langley
“I know it’s a lot,” I say. “I know, I just—”
He doesn’t let me keep talking. He kisses me softly on the mouth, his hand on my cheek. It’s a sweet, long kiss, his lips firm and soft against mine. He moves away from me.
“I don’t want to go,” I say. “I don’t want to scare you. But I don’t want to be without you.”
I watch his throat work as he swallows. “What about seminary?”
“I don’t want to do that,” I say. “I never did, and I think, deep down, I always knew it was about you.”
He watches me, tilting his head slightly. “But what are you going to do?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “I don’t care, either. I want to find something I love, not something that I want to do because I feel like that’s what it should do. But I don’t want to pressure you into anything or—”
“No,” he says, biting his lower lip. His green eyes are shining in the sunlight. “I would follow you to the end of the world.”
I blink. “What?”
“I love you too,” he says. “And I want you to be happy. That’s why I didn’t tell you I had feelings for you, because I thought this was what was going to make you happy.”
“Montgomery…”
He leans forward to kiss the tip of my nose. “Are you feeling better?”
There are tears in my eyes when I nod. “Yes,” I say. “Yes, I do.”
“Good,” he replies. He stands up and looks over at Cyrus. “Get in the car.”
“Get in the back,” I hear Cyrus saying from the driver’s seat. “With your boyfriend.”
I laugh and grab Montgomery’s hand when he holds it out to me. We get in the back of the car together and I get close to him as he puts his arm around me. He kisses the top of my head, then whispers in my ear. “I’m glad you’re staying.”
Cyrus laughs from the driver’s seat. “I’m glad he’s staying, too,” he says, a smile on his face. It doesn’t look fake, it looks real, and for the first time since we fought, I feel like I have my best friend back. “And Monty, you owe me $20.”
“I know,” Montgomery says, rolling his eyes. “What can I say? I didn’t think he’d confess.”
“You made a bet about whether I’d confess?”
“Yes,” Montgomery replies. “And I’m happy to lose the money.”
Cyrus and Montgomery both laugh as I close my eyes, a smirk on my face. For the first time in a long time, everything feels like it’s going to be okay.
THE END
Author’s Note
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About the author
Lina Langley is a first-generation immigrant. She currently lives in sunny Florida and spends her time slashing hot strangers while getting coffee.
Her past is haunted by spies, thieves, tyrants, and murderers. A resident of the world, she’s lived on three different continents. She first saw a radiator when she was twenty-two years old, and one time she followed a cat instead of going to a house party.
She likes to read, watch TV, and play video games when she’s not developing them. The rest of her free time is spent recreating her own characters in The Sims and hoping that people don’t look at the back end of her games.
You can email her: [email protected]
I close my eyes. “It’s stupid.”
“Everything you do is stupid,” he says. “I never expected anything else from you.”
“Thank you?”
“You’re welcome,” he replies. “So? Why not your hot bestie?”
“Because I’m going to be a priest,” I reply quietly.
He rolls his eyes. “Okay, but what’s the real reason?”
I look away from him. “Do you promise you won’t make fun of me?”
“Absolutely not,” he says. “Why do you think I’m having this conversation in the first place?”
I smile at him despite myself. I want to be angry, but he’s cheering me up. “Okay,” I say. “It’s been a confusing few days, but I think I finally decided that I do want someone.”
He raises his eyebrows. “But not your BFF?”
“No,” I say. “I mean, Cyrus is great, but I don’t… I don’t really see him like that. And I hope he gets over it, I do.”
He rolls his eyes. “If this is you leading me on, then, first of all, that’s hilarious,” he says. “Second of all, a little mean-spirited for you.”
“No,” I say. “It’s not you. I mean, you’re great but—”
“Spare me,” he says. “Get to the juicy part. Who is it?”
I lick my lips. “My advisor,” I say. “He, uh, well, we kissed, and he’s hot and—”
He holds up his hand. “You don’t have to explain,” he says. “I get it.”
“You do?”
“Hell, yeah,” he says. “There’s something super sexy about someone that could destroy you. Physically and mentally. No offense, choirboy, but you’re normally not my type at all.”
I laugh. “I’m not offended,” I say, looking him up and down. He’s right, I could hardly destroy him.
He winks at me and then walks over to the living room, where he lies down on the couch and stretches out. “So what are you going to do?”
“What do you mean?”
“You have a crush on your professor—”
“He’s not my—”
He rolls his eyes. “What are you going to do?” he asks. “Like are you going to try to have sex with him? If you’re going to be a priest soon, isn’t your sex window closing?”
“My sex window?” I ask, tilting my head.
“Really? That’s how you think about things?”
He rolls his eyes and reaches for the TV remote. “Whatever,” he says. “If you don’t, you’re the one who is losing out.”
CONTINUE
The next day, everything becomes clearer. I want to make things okay with Cyrus, and I need to tell him that I’m going to leave. I want to tell him to his face.
I get out of bed, wash my face, and start cycling toward Cyrus’ house. He needs to know that I've decided to leave, that I can’t stay here, not as long as he's not okay with me.
I shake my head as I approach his place. I can’t tell him that, because I don’t want to guilt trip him into making me stay or anything like that, I just want him to hear it from me, as soon as possible.
I knock on his door very loudly; almost certain I’m waking him up. I’m about to start kicking it when he comes to the door.
He opens it, looking like he hasn’t gotten a wink of sleep. He looks me up and down before he opens it. “You call people before you show up,” he says. “That’s basic manners. Amparo would be so disappointed.”
I roll my eyes. I didn’t want to guilt trip him, but of course he started this conversation by name dropping my mother.
“Can we talk?” I ask.
He rolls his eyes, but he moves away from the door. He’s wearing nothing but a shirt and these boxers that look like they’re far too big on him. I would normally tease him about it, but right now, it feels unimportant. “Is this necessary?”
“I need to talk to you,” I say. “Just… I know you’re probably going to be angry, but I need to talk to you.”
He raises his eyebrows but watches as I step into his place. I close the door behind me. He’s staring at me, his head slightly tilted. He doesn’t look curious, he looks annoyed.
“Alex…”
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I just didn’t want to tell you this over the phone.”
“You didn’t want to tell me what over the phone?” he says, looking me up and down.
I think there is a chance he might be expecting me to say something else, but even if there was anything else to say, it’s too late for that. Too many things have changed and I’m going to leave. I’m going to be a priest.
I don’t even sit down as I turn to speak to him. “I’m leaving,” I say. “I’m going to seminary.”
He stares at me for a second, then drops his gaze to the ground. He clears his throat before he speaks. “Good,” he says. “It’s what you’ve almost wanted to do, right?”
I swallow. “There’s something else,” I say. “I—Lawrence—”
“Lawrence?” he replies, his eyebrows shooting up. “Dr. Hottie?”
“We kissed,” I say. “It might be nothing, but I don’t know, Cyrus, I think…”
“You like him?”
I nod and look down at the floor, my hands fists at my sides.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I don’t want to cause you any more pain, you’re my friend. You’re more than my friend, you’re family. But you need to know the truth.”
He swallows. “So you thought you’d kiss him?”
“Honestly,” I say. “Yes. You’re always telling me to live my life. What happened to team Alex?”
He sucks in his lips and crosses his arms over his chest. “You’re right,” he says, closing his eyes and rubbing his temple. “You are. I’m—”
“No,” I say. “I owe you an apology.”
He shrugs his shoulders. “No, you don’t,” he says. “I expected you not to make things awkward and I did a pretty good job of that myself.”
“It’s okay,” I say, closing my eyes. “I just want things to be the way they were before. Before any of this happened.”
He laughs quietly. “I don’t,” he says. “Have you ever thought about what I want?”
I nod. “Of course I have,” I say. “You want to go to LA, make it in the music business. Right?”
He glares at me, but then he sighs. “Sure, I guess.”
“Is that not what you want?” I ask.
He scoffs, his arms now crossed over his chest. “Don’t, okay? Don’t.”
“Cy…”
He sucks in his cheek. “You made a decision,” he says. “For the first time in your life, I guess. So you have to live with the consequences.”
“I’d rather have you,” I say. “Your friendship is the most important thing in the world to me.”
He exhales through his mouth and then puts his face in his hands. “I can’t do this, Alex,” he says, his voice muffled by his fingers. “I can’t be around you and pretend that everything is normal, that I have no feelings for you, and that I’m okay with you and… fuck, and Dr. Hottie. I know it’s my fault, I know I should have told you, but—”
I hug him. I can’t stop myself, not when he’s this upset. “I’m sorry,” I say. “I won’t pursue him. You tell me not to pursue him and I won’t.”
“No,” I say. “I just want you to be happy.”
“Not at your expense,” he replies.
I shake my head. “I would do anything for you,” I say. “You’re family.”
He wraps his arms around me and holds me close. “You’re family too,” he says.
I move away from him. “If you need me to stay away, I will.”
“No,” he says. “I need you nearby. I need you to remind me that we’re brothers.”
I smile at him. “Of course,” I say. “No problem.”
CONTINUE
After we talk, Cyrus and I went out to buy beer immediately. We went back to my place and Montgomery came home with whisky and coke. I don’t know if Cyrus texted Montgomery about it, but they’ve been plying me with alcohol and food all night long, which is making me forget that I made a fool of myself and that I want Lawrence more than I want to go to seminary.
No, I tell myself. I want to fuck Lawrence more than I want to go seminary. I don’t want him more than that, because I can’t want him more than that. It would just make things weird between us if I got to do that.
Cyrus looks at me when Montgomery walks in. “Are you two okay?”
“Yeah,” I say. “I’m just not used to the attention.”
Cyrus laughs. “You should think about it,” he says. “He could fuck you while I—”
He opens his mouth to say something else, but I stop him. “I’m your brother,” I say. “Remember?”
“I want to apologize,” I say. “I shouldn’t have left you. For what it’s worth, I learned my lesson.”
He cocks his head, then laughs quietly. “You don’t have to apologize.”
I smile and shake my head. “I do,” I say. “I should have stayed with you.”
He laughs again, then turns to address Cyrus. “Is the guilt a Catholic thing?”
Cyrus snickers. “Is it ever.”
“Should have taken care of you, too,” I say, more to myself than to them.
“I’m a big boy. I can take care of myself,” he says, looking me up and down. “Are you sure you’re okay? You look… pale.”
I nod. “Yeah,” I say. “I’m totally okay. I’m totally fine.”
Suddenly, a brilliant idea occurs to me. I stand up, a smile on my face. “In fact,” I say. “I’m so okay that I’m going to call Lawrence and clear the air right now. I don’t want things to be awkward between us.”
Cyrus watches me. “That is such a bad idea—”
Montgomery scowls. “You should really wait until you sober up—”
“No,” I say. “This is what I have to do. I want to make things okay. I need to stop running away from my problems and face this head on. I’m going to call him.”
Cyrus and Montgomery exchange a look. “Such a bad idea,” Cyrus says. “You really shouldn’t call him right now.”
“Fuck you, you can’t tell me what to do,” I reply, leaning down to get in his face. My eyes are watering when I look at him. “You don’t know what this is like. You could get anyone you want.”
“Really?” Cyrus says, raising his eyebrows. “I don’t know if that’s true.”
“Hot musician with huge following,” I say as I point at him. Then I point at Montgomery. “Hot bartender with motorcycle. Both of you, you probably find it sooo easy.”
“Alex,” Cyrus says, obviously trying to stop the smile. “You’re really drunk. Why don’t you sleep it off?”
“He’s right, choirboy,” Montgomery says. “Let’s get you to bed.”
He stands up and grabs my hand to pull me toward my bedroom, but I have managed to make my body a sturdy and unmovable trunk. Montgomery can’t move me, but when Cyrus grabs me by the waist, there’s very little I can do. My body gives in as they both push me toward my bedroom. They finally manage to push me back toward my bed, though I’m not entirely sure how. “This is not cool,” I say.
“You’ll thank me tomorrow,” Cyrus says, then flashes me my phone and grins. “Stay in there.”
“You heard the man,” Montgomery says. “We’ll come and kick your ass otherwise.”
I stick my tongue out at them, but then they close my bedroom door, and I know it’s pointless to try and fight them. There’s no way I can do anything but stay here, by my door, and stew.
They might not be willing to help me, but that doesn’t mean they can stop me. I need to talk to Lawrence and I’m going to do it whether they want me to or not.
CONTINUE
I wait a while, mostly so I can make sure that the two of them are engaged in a lively conversation before I even step foot outside my window. I’ve never found my window difficult to pry open until now, when it feels like it keeps slipping away from me, but I finally manage to open it enough to know I can fit through it.
The night air is cool, but it’s summer and it doesn’t get cold here at night, so I’m not worried about being exposed to the elements. I don’t have a phone, which probably means I’m going to have to walk all the way across the bridge. It’s a decent forty-five minutes away, at least, but it’ll give me time to think about what I’m going to say to him.
I get up on the window ledge and jump onto the thin green strip outside my window. The apartment complex is very persnickety about the fake grass here so I’m sure I’m going to get an earful later. It doesn’t matter, though, because it provides a soft landing place for me when I fall on my ass. I snicker and get my ear close to the window to make sure they haven’t heard me.
