by Ben Zackheim
It was Rebel’s turn to calm me down. Her firm, sharp grasp on my shoulder sent a clear signal that I had to get control of myself.
The drunk, whose collar was firmly in my fists, was barely conscious. I tried to knock his humongous hat off, but it was like the thing was stapled to his head.
“Where did you get Gjöll?”
He tried to see me under his hat’s brim. He felt my face with his hands, and smiled.
“Mother?”
I dropped him back down to the floor. He hit his head on the wall. That woke him up.
“What’s…” he said. He glanced up at me, his eyes covered in shadow. “What’s the problem, sir? I’m but a bard and man of words. I am Loki’s favorite fiddler. Unhand me.”
“Where did you get the Gjöll?”
“The Gjöll? Oh, the stone thing?” He smirked. “It’s safe if you must know.” He patted a pouch on his chest.
“I must know.” I reached into his pouch and pulled Gjöll out.
“You, my friend, are a thief.”
“It’s mine, asshole. Who did you win this from?”
“Some stranger. Man. No, woman. I don’t know, mister. Me head’s not here, if you know what I mean.”
“I’ll ask this one more time, and then we get nasty. Who lost Gjöll to you?”
He put his fingers to his chin like he was thinking about the answer. But I knew his type. I knew he was thinking of an angle.
“How much is this information worth?”
It was Rebel’s turn to step in. “Your life,” she said, sticking a fingernail into his cheek.
“Fair price, fair price. I won it from a stranger. I don’t remember much, but I remember he was dressed… oddly.”
“How oddly?”
“He wore a pink hat.”
Rebel and I glanced at each other.
“Anyone here seen a guy in a pink hat? We saw him come in here earlier.”
The conscious patrons mumbled, and shook their heads. Bertha would know, but she must have slipped away, because she was nowhere to be seen. I thought that was weird, but I didn’t give it much thought.
“Yeah,” Bo said. “He walked by here earlier. Just before you came in. He’s been here a few times since the last moon. Not a regular, but he drops in every few years.”
I sat down facing the front door. “We wait for him here.”
“Sounds like a wonderful idea,” the drunk guy said, as he tried to stand. He held his hat on with one hand as he wobbled around. “I’ll be off to the next pub for a fresh mug.” He held himself upright on a table.
I put a hand on his shoulder. “You’re staying with us.”
“Me? Why do you need me?”
“Because I don’t trust you.”
“You don’t know me! I’m a stand-up fellow! I’m the finest bard in Asgard. Loki himself asks for me at least every hundred years!”
“You’re hiding something. We’ll let you go when you come clean.”
“I’ll tell you what I’m hiding, you pirate. I’m hiding the fact that my gut is in distress and has a song to sing to the bowels of this town. I’m hiding the agony of several dozen pints of ale playing a game of water polo in my snake of a willie. I’m hiding…”
“Okay, okay!” I yelled. “Where can he relieve himself?”
Bo pointed his thumb at another small door in the back of the room. I grabbed the drunk by the elbow. “Come on. I’m going with you.”
“But sir!”
I shoved him toward the door, followed him in, got a whiff of a thousand years of decay and waste, and u-turned.
“Change of plans,” I said. Rebel smirked.
I tapped my toes and waited for the guy to finish. His grunts, and gasps were painful to listen to. After a small scream I had to ask, “Hey, you okay, buddy?”
“Fine! It’s been awhile is all!”
I noticed Bo watching all this. He had his own grin going on. “You ever clean that thing?” I asked.
“All the time. Doesn’t do any good. Welcome to try, if you’d like.”
“No th…” I was interrupted by a distant splash. It came from inside the shitter.
My eyes went wide, and met Rebel’s.
“No way,” Rebel said.
I yanked the door open. The drunk was gone. He’d squeezed into the hole, and dropped into the latrine.
“Dammit!” I yelled. His splashing footsteps echoed in the darkness below me.
“You guys have sewers here?” I asked Bo.
“What kinda question is that? What do you take us for?”
“Asgardians who don’t give a shit about shit.”
Bo spit in another glass, and wiped it with a filthy towel. “Sewers all run down to the river. They’re steep, but he could run either way if he’s scared enough.”
I was out the door before I could thank him. There was no time for chatter. My vault had been raided, and the relics inside could be used against us. I needed to know who was behind our latest mess. The drunk jerk took a mouth full of sewage rather than stick around with us. That meant he had answers to our questions.
The fresh air was a blast of deliciousness. I couldn’t help myself from taking it in with a deep breath.
“We should split up,” I said.
“I don’t like the sound of that.”
“You’ll be fine.”
“I mean, you’ll probably wiggle your way into some mess that I’ll have to dig you out of.”
“Me?” I smiled.
Rebel pointed down the street. “Kane!” I followed her finger and my eyes landed on Mr. Pink. His hat bobbed up and down in the crowd near what appeared to be an arena. It was a large wooden building with an open sky roof. Our pink target ducked through the arena’s front gates. He stopped to glance up the hill. I couldn’t be sure, but my gut told me he was looking at us. Leading us.
“I’ll take Mr. Pink,” she said. I should have known she’d come up with the same nickname for him.
“I think he knows we’re chasing him. Be careful.”
“The day I can’t handle a guy in a pink hat…”
“Is the day you die. That’s what I’m worried about, genius.”
She smiled. I guess it was meant to comfort me.
“Go get him, Rebel.”
“You too, Kane. Follow your nose.”
I ran toward the long line-up of merchant booths on the steep street ahead.
Chapter 33
I didn’t want to attract too much attention, but it was hard with Midgard clothes on my back, and a desperate vibe.
I searched for sewer grates, access sheds, or anything that could lead underground. When that didn’t work, I smelled my way around, weaving between shoppers and merchants. I thought I was onto something when I got hit with a stench that reminded me of Skyler’s farts, with some sulfur thrown in to taste. But it ended up being a cheese merchant.
“Anything?” Rebel asked over the comm.
“Just some deadly cheese. You?”
“Made it into the arena, but a few dozen people saw me.”
“Yeah, I gave up on blending in.”
“Damn. Lots of crusty blood in the dirt. I’m going to try to get through one of the barred doors.”
“Be careful.”
“Thanks, dad.”
“Fine. Don’t be careful.”
“Thanks, mom.”
“I’m beginning to get an idea of why you are the way you are.”
“About time.”
My stomach clenched. An awkward moment passed before Rebel came back with, “Sorry. I forgot about the whole thing where you don’t remember shit.”
“Don’t worry about it. I remember enough to know you have no tact.”
“Okay. I’m in. These tunnels are pitch dark. I need to cast a spell. I’ll keep you posted.”
“Be careful,” I repeated.
“I will. You too.”
I didn’t know what to be careful of. The town looked like a safe place to be. Kids pl
aying, shoppers haggling. I saw a woman dump some kind of liquid from the second floor. I guessed I’d want to avoid being under that.
Still, even with all of the normal stuff happening around me, I felt a dread growing inside. It wasn’t until I looked up and realized how close I’d walked to the castle on the hill that I understood why.
Loki was in there.
I could feel it.
But did he bring us to Asgard? Was he watching us? Did he even know I was standing on his doorstep? Was this giant stone monster doing his bidding? Was he playing his typical seven dimensional chess? The questions were piling up.
I’d zig-zagged up the main street and could now see the arena below me in the distance. I thought about checking in with Rebel when my nose was attacked again. I wasn’t the only one reeling from the new multi-layered tsunami of stench. A couple of boys in front of me twirled on their feet with shrieks. They sprinted past me as other Asgardians scattered.
“What is that smell?” I asked a man running past me.
“It’s coming from there!” he screamed, covering his mouth and letting out a deep belch.
A large inn loomed over us. The main street broke into two paths, one leading up to the castle, and the other one sloping back down the other side of the pub. Whatever the place was, it was clearly a hub of Loki’s little kingdom.
I knew I’d found our sewer-crawling target. But the final proof came from the messy trail of sewage on the road. It started at a sewer grate outside the inn, and trickled into the front door.
I grabbed a Glock for good luck and took a step forward.
“Kane!” Rebel yelled in my head. “I need you!”
Great timing, Rebel. I had a choice to make. Follow the guy who could answer some questions, or help my partner, who rarely needed help.
“NOW!” she yelled.
Chapter 34
I opened the Swap Portal instinctively.
I just had to hope that the stinky drunk wouldn’t go too far. I was pretty sure he’d be easy to track down, no matter where he went.
I eyed the arena below us, and spotted a couple of people outside the building who I could swap with. The only problem was that they were about to get in a fist fight.
I stepped in to my portal and swapped with one of them just in time to duck a punch. I might not be big on hand-to-hand combat, but I knew enough to duck fast. I popped back up and tried to run past my opponent. I didn’t have time to dick around with Rebel yelling for help. But he grabbed me and shoved me back. I got a whiff of his breath.
I’d swapped my way into a drunk fight.
The guy didn’t care who he was swinging at, as long as he was swinging. He blinked at me a couple of times, shook his head, and jabbed his fists at me slowly. I easily stepped out of range and knocked him in the nose with the butt of my Glock. He dropped to the floor in a dusty mess. He growled and crawled at me, reaching for my legs. I stepped back and bopped him again, this time on the back of his head. He still wasn’t out of the fight, but I didn’t have time to mess with him. I turned and ran into the arena.
“Anytime Kane!” Rebel screamed.
“I’m working on it! What’s going on?”
“I’m surrounded.”
“By what?”
“Things with sharp parts. I don’t know. It’s dark and my magic is weak for some reason.”
I ran into the arena’s battle area.
“There are three entrances, Rebel. Which one do I go through?”
“The bloody one!”
I searched the dirt for blood. The ground was a mess of stale gore, but one entrance was definitely stickier than the others. I pulled up on the gate but it fell back down again.
“Yup, definitely sharp things,” Rebel said. “My spells are not doing much. What the fuck is going on?”
“Magic doesn’t work as well in the gods’ realms.”
“Shit. I forgot about that. Need your bullets, partner! Need them fast!”
I lifted the gate again, and again it dropped down hard. I wasn’t going to be able to slip under there. I needed something to prop it up.
I took a deep breath, and opened my Vault Portal.
Again, it hissed, and popped, and acted like it was pissed off about something. When I was sure it was stable, I reached in and grabbed the most obvious choice.
I pulled out Excalibur.
It immediately took me in. Its spell over me was powerful. The first time I’d touched it back in Peru it made me fight Rebel. She’d tried to take the sword from me to protect me, and I was ready to kill her for it.
I felt the fire in me grow again. I didn’t like it. I dropped the blade to the dirt.
“Damn it,” I muttered. I pulled my shirt off and wrapped it around my fingers. I picked up Excalibur again. I felt less of a pull on my soul. It was still there, but it was dulled.
I lifted the gate again. I wedged the weapon into the groove where the gate slid up and down. I rolled under the heavy bars and pulled the sword out. The gate came down with a loud clang and I turned to the darkness.
With a mythical sword in one hand, and the best handgun ever made in the other, I should have felt like a bad motherfucker, as I walked into the bowels of the arena.
Instead, I felt trapped.
The old song popped into my head.
“Demons to the left of me, gods to the right.” I lifted Excalibur up and whispered, “Stuck in the middle with you.”
Chapter 35
The sword took me over with every step.
Excalibur triggered a simmering rage, an anger that wasn’t mine. It had no source. No logic to it. No focal point.
I started to feel heavy. So heavy, I had to stop. I stood still in the eerie glow of the blade, and abandoned the struggle against it.
I don’t know why Tabitha entered my thoughts. The Queen of Vampire’s gorgeous face flowed into my mind’s eye like a wave of cool water. The thought of her calmed me. The rage from the sword settled down, just enough for me to get a grip on the hilt, and on myself.
I don’t know how long I’d been standing there, but my muscles ached as if it had been hours.
Rebel’s voice entered my head like someone was slowly turning up the volume on a TV. “Dammit, Kane! If you’re dead, I’ll find you and make you pay!”
“Okay. I’m okay.”
“Where are you? I’ve been trying to reach you for five minutes! I managed a Fire Spell. Whatever they are, they don’t like the heat or the light.”
“I’m coming.”
“So, you’ve been jerking off is what you’re saying.”
“I’m carrying…” I stopped myself from finishing my sentence. The last thing I needed was Rebel giving me a hard time.
“You’re carrying what?”
“Nothing.”
“You are fucking not!” she yelled. Rebel was too smart. And she knew me too well. “You are fucking not carrying that damn sword by yourself!”
“Okay, I’m not.”
“Dammit, Kane, I’ll be…”
“Left or right?”
“What?”
“Left or right? I’m at a fork in the path.”
“Left. Put that thing away!”
“I see your Fire Spell. It’s up ahead. Now shut up and wait for me, asshole.” That was the sword talking. I just had to hope Rebel knew that. I had a bad feeling the sword was going to put a quick end to any of our newfound synchronicity.
I needed to keep my distance from Rebel’s battle. The heat was too intense to get much closer. The sounds of battle suddenly ceased. The heat lingered, but the tunnels were as quiet as a tomb.
“Where are you?” I yelled.
No response. My gut told me something was wrong, but I didn’t know if I could listen to my gut because of the party Excalibur was having in my head.
“Rebel?” Nothing. “Dammit, Rebel! Talk to me!”
The chill of the tunnels swept over me, sending a jolt through my spine that threw me off balance. I rais
ed the sword. Its light would help me see what was going on.
A woman’s eyes glared up at me.
I swung the sword down to strike. But my body froze, mid-swing.
Tabitha stepped into the glow of Excalibur. Queen of Vampires, occasional flame, and Isis, goddess of natural life. A complicated woman. The last time I’d seen her, she’d helped us defeat her father, Set, and then dropped a bomb on Rebel and me. According to her, we were destined to kill her, and she was fine with that.
To each, her own, I guess.
The little wrinkle in her prophecy was that Rebel and I would be unkillable until we carried out our destiny. It wasn’t a fair deal, but no one ever said life was fair. Especially the post-apocalypse life.
Tabitha snapped her fingers. The tunnel lit up with a green light that came from nowhere and everywhere.
“Settle down, Kane,” she whispered. The sound of her voice was gentle, dry, as if she hadn’t spoken in a long time.
She walked behind me. It was an unnerving feeling to have her out of sight. She ran a fingertip over my bare back.
“You always seem to find a way to take off your shirt in the heat of battle,” she said. She took the sword from my grip. “So this is Excalibur? When did it become a katana?” I couldn’t answer. She’d frozen all of me with her spell. She sighed, and I felt my vocal chords free up.
“I don’t know,” I said. I wanted to call her an asshole and ask where Rebel was, but I knew better than to challenge her. She had a thing for me, but she also had a short fuse. She walked in front of me so she could look into my eyes. “Let me go, Tabitha.”
“You’re not in a position to demand anything, Kane.”
“I just want to know that Rebel is okay.”
“She’s fine. No thanks to you. I had to do your job for you. She should know her magic isn’t as effective here. Those arena monsters are not to be messed with, unless you have a death wish.”
“Thanks for the tips. What are you doing here?”
“I was just about to ask you the same thing. Why are you still chasing relics? The old world is gone.”
“Maybe. I’m trying to change that.”
“With relics from a dead world? How is that supposed to work?”
