by Heide Goody
Jenny was thoughtful, trying to ignore Jizzimus who had taken the word steps as a cue to change his routine. Somewhere between goose stepping and twerking, and it wasn’t pretty. She was happy to stay here for three weeks. Learning some new tricks could be handy, and she looked forward to the peace and quiet of a learning environment. The sooner she thought of somewhere safe for Kay, away from those who would harm her – which included Jenny on some level – the sooner she could relax.
Norma Looney made a facetious noise. “Next steps out into the world, Effie? Witching school?”
“Nothing as … didactic as that, Norma. The coming three weeks are about learning from each other and providing support for those who need it.” These last words were said with a hard emphasis that silenced Norma.
“I should mention the generosity of our sponsor at this point,” said Effie with renewed cheeriness. “Mrs du Plessis is delighted to be supporting the advancement of witchcraft in a practical manner by extending to us the use of some rooms in her lovely house and grounds. She herself is very busy with the running of her spa business so it’s unlikely that we’ll see her during the course of her stay, but we should all remain grateful to her.”
“Is she a witch too?” asked Caroline.
“Yes ,” said Effie, “although she has carved out a niche for herself in the spa business, rather than hands-on witchcraft. She fully supports our endeavours, though.”
“Wait up!” said Jizzimus, springing up from where he was lolling on an old tennis net. “Aren’ spas the kinda gaffs that have naked people in them? You know: massages, wibbly flesh, baby oil and whatnot? I think I might have to go an’ ’ave a quick butchers. See what goes on up there. Try not to fall asleep wivout me entertainin’ you. And remember, ’orse or quagga, it still needs a massive cock and balls. You owe it to yourself to liven this party up a bit.”
With that, he scampered through the doorway.
“Right, let’s get straight into some sharing, shall we?” said Effie, reaching into a box which was near to the flip chart, and drawing out a grey feather. With a clap, she crushed it. Abruptly, there was a ball of fire in her hands.
Jenny leaned close to Kay. “It’s okay,” she assured the girl. “Just a trick.”
“A bloody good one,” said Kay.
“The Bennu’s Spontaneous Eldritch Light,” said Sabrina knowingly.
“Phoenix fire,” said Norma.
“Madison had it on his hat when I met him,” said Shazam.
“I just thought his hat was on fire,” said Dee.
“When I throw it at you,” said Effie, “you need to tell us all something about your experiences of being a witch. Here goes!” She pitched the flaming sphere at her audience.
Sabrina caught it and smiled. She tossed it lightly in one hand, like captain of the netball team.
“Ur, I was born into a witching family, as you know, so I’ve always had a clear sense of my place in the world. I had a governess who was a local witch, so I think I have a good broad appreciation of the craft. I didn’t just restrict myself to the classical texts in our family library, although we do have one of the finest collections.” She smiled around at them. “I’d be very happy to welcome any of you to one of the oldest and most noble houses of witchcraft. Mother’s very keen.” She looked at Shazam. “Ur, phone first.”
Sabrina threw the flaming sphere at Shazam. She looked thrilled to be next up, but spent a moment or two with a worried frown, keeping the flames away from her cardigan.
“Sharon.” Effie was patient. “The flame won’t set anything else on fire.”
“Oh. Good. Right. Well I always felt drawn to the Dark Arts as my mother used to call them. She got very cross with me if she caught me reading about the occult. Or true life crime. Or celebrity marriages. Anyway, it wasn’t until I did a test on the internet that I really knew for sure that I was a witch. Up until then I just thought I had a way with animals.”
“A test on the internet?” Effie raised an eyebrow.
“The internet!” huffed Norma, as though the word conjured up all that was wrong in the world.
“Yes, the What Kind of Witch are You? test. I expect you’ve all done it. I’m an All Powerful Child of Diana apparently. I have an affinity with animals and I am guided by the moon.”
“Is that so?” said Effie politely.
“I bought the amulet so that other witches will know which sort I am,” she said, fishing a crescent pendant from deep within her ample bosom. She held it up for them all to see.
“The website with the What Kind of Witch are You? test. Was it the same website that had the amulets for sale?” asked Jenny.
“Yes. And this bracelet. And this ring. Oh, and the herb hunter wall chart,” said Shazam. “They have some great deals. There’s a flash sale on crystal balls coming up. You should all take a look.”
Jenny looked at Shazam, seeing the muddle of insecurities and a desperate need to find her people. Jenny had her own problems, but she’d never had the craving to belong. She was curious. Were these her people? It really didn’t feel as if there was much that connected them. The flaming globe was tossed to Caroline.
“Yeah, I’m not sure what I want to say. I didn’t do a test like Cobwebs here. I’ve been a witch all my life but it’s not who I am.”
“Then what are you?” asked Sabrina.
“I’m a people person,” said Caroline. “People tend to do what I want them to. I used to think it was because I was charming and persuasive,; then I realised I could be persuasive without being charming. I’m a bit of a master, if I’m honest with you.”
“And are you?” asked Sabrina.
“What?”
“Honest.”
“Less often than you’d think.”
“Thank you, Caroline,” said Effie. “Remind me to talk about ground rules in a few minutes.”
Caroline gave her an easy smile and tossed the flaming ball sideways to Jenny.
I’m a wicked witch. I first realised I was a witch when I blighted my geography teacher’s hair in revenge for a poor essay grade, causing him to go bald overnight. On my fifteenth birthday, I got my first wart, my own imp and a Celine Dion CD; I still have the imp. Nowadays, I spend much of my time avoiding children and trying not to blast things with witchfire.
Jenny spoke none of that aloud. Instead she said, “I’m afraid I don’t have any interesting stories to tell. I grew up with some unusual abilities, and worked out that it wasn’t just puberty. I can’t say that I’ve ever managed to use them for anything earth-shattering, it’s just part of who I am.”
She quickly threw the sphere to Dee, wanting to avoid any more exposure than was necessary.
“You dint mention me, guv! Shall I get the ball back so’s you can say you’ve got the sexiest imp in these parts? Or any parts! Get a load of my parts!”
Jenny raised her eyes to the ceiling, thankful that only she had witnessed Jizzimus’s return.
“They should be ’ad up, calling that a spa. No naked babes. No naked anybody, just some borin’ dance class in the swimmin’ pool and some chicks in peep’ole underwear.”
Jenny’s concerted effort to avoid looking at Jizzimus failed. Her eyes formed the question she was burning to ask.
“Oh. Maybe I mean paper underwear. Yeah paper. Sorry guv,” Jizzimus dissolved into raucous laughter.
Jenny returned her attention to Dee.
“Yup, mended things since I was this high. I had five little brothers so things were always getting broken. I hate to see anybody upset, so if I can do a discreet little fix for someone to put the smile back on their face then I do. Animals as well, I can’t bear to see our furry friends in distress. I did go too far when I was very young, mind. I fixed the tail on a neighbour’s new cat, but nobody told me that Manx cats don’t have a tail. I thought he looked better.”
Dee looked as if she had many more things to tell but thought better of it and passed the charm to Norma.
Norma loo
ked at the flaming orb. “Is this how we have discussions these days? Whatever happened to people simply talking?”
“It’s just a fun way to help us make sure everyone gets involved,” said Effie. “Why don’t you tell us about yourself, Norma?”
“You know all about me, Effie,” said Norma archly. “As for the rest of you, all you need to know is that I’ve been around the block when it comes to witching. Don’t mind telling you it can be tough out there, but a good solid knowledge of herbs should always serve you well.”
Jizzimus chortled loudly. “Sounds like somebody’s got somethin’ to hide! What do you reckon it is? Let’s beat it out of ’er later. Think she murdered that sheep wiv ’er bare hands so she could pinch its coat?”
Jenny tried not to smile. Norma’s bulky Aran cardigan did look like an entire sheep’s worth. Jenny saw Norma stand up and carefully place the sphere into Kay’s hands. Jenny was already leaning over, preparing to create some sort of diversion when Kay started to speak.
“I once accidentally blew up a cow,” she said.
Jenny could hear her own jaw drop. Kay looked around with a shy half-smile.
“Oh Kay, surely you mean—” Effie stalled, opening and shutting her mouth with a frown. “What exactly do you mean?”
“I was trying to help,” said Kay. Jenny still couldn’t identify her faint accent. “The cow had intestinal gas, and the vet was going to perforate its stomach to let it out. I thought that sounded horrible, so I made the gas go out all in one go. I didn’t really know what that would look like. I was only eight.”
The room was momentarily stunned. Jenny assumed they were all processing the double whammy of hearing Kay speak for the first time and trying to picture a cow actually exploding. Jenny didn’t know what to say. It was a ridiculous assertion, but it was so ridiculous as to be faintly plausible. People will believe a big lie sooner than a little one.
Effie gently took the sphere from Kay.
“Right, that was lovely. Thank you all for sharing. We’ve all learned something there.”
“Sure,” said Caroline. “Sabrina’s open to house parties. Cobwebs here can fit the moon down her cleavage. Brainiac’s hit puberty. Norma’s been around the block a few times. The teenage wonder has a thing for bovine demolition but Dee could probably put it back together again if she wanted.”
“And you have a big mouth,” said Sabrina smoothly.
“Big and beautiful,” agreed Caroline.
“Okay,” said Effie, blithely. “I think we need to get stuck right into something practical if we’re all to really get to know each other. You’ll be pleased to know that it’s a hands-on problem, and you’ll get out into the fresh air as well.
“’S not fresh out there, I’ve seen to that,” said Jizzimus, raising a buttock cheek and letting rip in case Jenny wasn’t keeping up.
“I’m going to divide you into two teams and you’ll spend the rest of the day on this,” Effie continued. “The task is simple. There is an amulet for each team, hidden in the local area. You’ll need to locate it with a mixture of witchcraft, common sense and teamwork.” Effie counted each point off on her fingers with exaggerated movements. “You’ll hear me talk about those things a lot, because one of the barriers we’re trying to break down here is the old-fashioned image of the witch being a loner. It’s my firm belief that in the modern world we can learn from other industries and apply sound principles of collaborative working, so it’s key to the success of this task that you work together. You will almost certainly need to leave the grounds to succeed at this challenge. By the way, the grounds are entirely at our disposal. There are some outbuildings that we might use when we move on to some private study, but we must not enter the stable yard along the other side of the house. Some of the buildings there are not safe.”
“An unstable stable?” smirked Caroline.
“Quite.”
“Is it a stable or isn’t it?” asked Shazam.
“The stable is not stable in the sense of a building that won’t fall on you, Sharon,” said Effie. “Right, let’s form those teams. Dee, Caroline and Jenny, over here. Norma, Sabrina, Sharon and Kay over here.”
There was a scraping of chairs as everyone stood and shuffled to their side of the room. Jenny approached Effie and spoke to her in a whisper.
“Can I suggest a swap? How about we have Kay on this team and move Caroline onto the other team?”
“Oh lovely!” said Caroline. “I can’t wait to work with you either.”
“Ears like a bat, that one,” said Jizzimus, echoing Jenny’s thoughts.
Effie was firm. “You will remain in the teams that I have allocated.” She held up two sheets of what Jenny thought was glossy paper. “I’m going to give each team a piece of parchment. You need to work out how it’s going to help you. Shouldn’t take more than a couple of hours. Meet back in the annexe restaurant for lunch.”
Kay took a sheet for her group. Jenny tried to reach out to her, whisper some words of advice or comfort before she was abandoned to the other witches, but Effie slotted the sheet for Jenny’s group into her outstretched hand. It was a piece of genuine aged parchment, sealed in plastic laminate. Kay turned away and the words never came.
“Good luck,” said Effie. “One team can use the breakout area to study the paper, so you can discuss your plans in private.” Effie waved at what looked like a cupboard door.
Dee opened the door. It was a cupboard, containing a wooden tea trolley. Caroline flicked the light switch. Jenny squeezed in with them, placing the laminate on top of the trolley. Jizzimus scampered in and she shut the door.
“Hmmm. Interesting,” she said, staring at the parchment.
“I’ve got no idea either,” said Caroline.
“Who knows where to start with this old fashioned writing?” Jenny muttered. “I’m not even sure I can read the words. Most of the letters look like fs.”
They all peered closely. The original parchment was damaged in parts, and faded in others. The lettering was all present, but written in a dense and difficult style that made Jenny recall school lessons long ago when their English teacher made them study Chaucer.
“That first word is definitely herb,” said Dee, poking a finger at it. “There’s a little picture of a plant as well. So herb. I’m not too sure after that.”
Jizzimus was rootling through the junk at the back of cupboard. “Let me know if you need a parasol, boss,” came his voice, “or a wasp’s nest, or a strimmer.”
“Strimmer?” said Jenny before she could stop herself.
“You can see the word strimmer? asked Dee.
Jenny coughed. “Of course not. Let’s see which letters we can work out, eh? Shall we start with those and see if we can make out any more of the words? Let’s start with h shall we? There seem to be quite a few and those are clear.” Jenny found a dog-eared notepad on a shelf and laid out a series of blanks interspersed with the occasional h.
“Ooh, I love a game of hangman,” said Dee. “Tell you what, I think I can see which letter is e now I’ve looked at it for a few minutes, shall we add those in?”
Twenty minutes later they had written out a series of words that almost made sense.
“I’m still not sure quotheth is a word,” said Dee.
Jenny and Caroline wiped spit from their faces, while Jizzimus sang the word over and over again in his own game of tongue-waggling karaoke.
“I think we assume that it is and try to glean something about the meaning,” said Jenny. “Let’s run it through as best we can. From the top.” She cleared her throat.
“Herb coney bane that merry is I spied,
When follow’d I the hag at end of day.
So slily in a ditch she gan it hide,
With fayryye wondrous wise to light the way.”
“Oh, now you’ve said it out loud, I get it,” said Caroline. “It’s fairy. Like magic I suppose. I thought it was fay rye. Yeah, carry on.”
Jenny continued.
“An amulet full layne in privity!
Here quotheth not a word for man to find
The place in which this thing ylodged be,
To all but worthy woman shall be blind.”
“Wow, it sounds like a poem when you read it out,” said Dee.
“It is a poem,” said Caroline. “Just not a very helpful one.”
“No it’s not,” said Dee. “Coney Bane is one of the old names for Pied Deadnettle.”
“I was so about to say the same thing,” said Caroline, deadpan.
“But it’s really rare in England,” said Dee. “We’ll never find any of that.”
“What?” said Jenny. “You mean it’s a plant? Surely then if we find the plant then the amulet’s close by? What sort of place does it grow in?”
“It’s associated with boggy ditches,” said Dee. “We just need to look around and find some of those.”
Caroline and Jenny stared at her for a long moment.
“Dee, we’re in the fens,” said Jenny. “You’d be hard pressed to walk a hundred yards without seeing a boggy ditch.”
“Oh. Right. We’ll just have to use our noses then,” said Dee. “It’s a very pretty plant but smells like a week old corpse. Used as a contraceptive in years gone by.”
“Was it effective?” asked Jenny.
“If it makes you smell like a week old corpse,” said Caroline, “what do you think?”
“Well, let’s go take a look.”
They trooped out of the cupboard. The other group had already left.
“There are some wellies by the front door if you need to borrow them,” chimed Effie. “Best of luck.”
As they stomped across the muddy field, each of them sniffed the air. Dee led the way: the only one who stood a chance of spotting the herb.
“Shall we try a finding spell?” she suggested, pleased to be in a position to do something practical.
“Finding spell?” said Caroline.
