by Sarah Morgan
She tried to rationalize her own behavior but Izzy’s words were stuck in her flesh like a thorn. How far are you prepared to go to fit in?
It was a fair and uncomfortable question.
I don’t even know what you really like.
And why would she? Flora hadn’t really shared what she liked. Once again, she’d been so desperate to be loved and accepted that she’d buried her own needs and thought only of other people. She hadn’t even told them how afraid she was of water. How ridiculous was that? What if they invited her sailing? Was she prepared to risk a panic attack just to fit in and be part of the family?
“I don’t understand.” Molly spoke in a small voice. “Flora sleeps in her own bed, not with Daddy. And if she didn’t care about us, she wouldn’t spend so much time playing with us?”
Izzy dumped her plate on the table, stalked away from them across the lawn and disappeared into the forest.
Aiden ran his hand over the back of his neck. “Maybe I should—”
“Give her space. She needs time alone,” Clare said and Jack nodded.
“It’s my fault. I didn’t handle it well.” He sounded exhausted. “But when she started talking about not going to college I just—”
“It was totally my fault. I raised the subject, and I’m sorry I did. I thought it was a safe topic, but obviously not. You reacted as most parents would.” Clare put her hand on his arm. “Don’t beat yourself up. It’s a tough situation. This was never going to be easy. She’ll be okay, Jack.”
“Not if she doesn’t go to college.”
“I’m sure she didn’t mean it. Izzy is so smart, I’m sure she’ll eventually make the right decision.”
Everyone was delicately ignoring Izzy’s almost hysterical reaction to Flora.
You’re never going to be my mom.
Molly pulled Chase onto her lap. “Where is Cambodia? Is it in Arizona?”
Underneath her own layers of hurt feelings and self-contempt, Flora felt genuine concern for Izzy. She’d been so wildly upset. Where had she gone? What if she got lost in the forest? Or went into the lake? Someone needed to look for her, talk to her.
She touched his arm. “Jack—”
“I know. You’re upset, and I don’t blame you. She was rude.”
“That’s not—”
“It’s been a tough year for her.” He pulled her close and sent his friends a look of rueful apology. “I guess coming back here was harder on her than I thought it would be. I should have anticipated it.”
Clare waved a hand dismissively. “Don’t worry about us. We’ve known each other forever. It wouldn’t be a holiday without a crisis of some sort. Remember the year Aiden had chicken pox and we gave it to your two? Nightmare.”
“And then there was the smoking and alcohol year. And the exam year. Let’s not even think about that one.” Todd thrust another beer into Jack’s hand. “Hang in there. You’re doing great. Can’t be easy raising girls when you’re a man.” He turned back to the barbecue, prodding the food, flipping a burger or two.
“It’s not like her to lose it like that, though. I just want the best for her. I want her to be happy. I hope she knows that.” Jack took a mouthful of beer. “Usually she is so controlled.”
And that sounded worrying to Flora. She didn’t pretend to be an expert on teenage behavior and development, but was it normal to be that controlled? What had Izzy been like before Flora had shown up on the scene? Had she grieved? Who did she talk to? She obviously wasn’t talking to Jack and she didn’t seem to see much of her friends outside school.
“Blame jet lag,” Todd said. “It turns the best of us into savages. And, Flora, can I say you were the epitome of patience and understanding so don’t blame yourself.”
“Yes,” Clare said. “You were kind to her.”
For a fleeting moment she felt like part of the group. Accepted. She could have stayed like that, stayed silent, enjoying the moment, but Izzy’s outburst had unlocked something inside her.
She stepped away from the protective circle of Jack’s arm, feeling a little sick and a little shaky.
“Go after her, Jack. She needs you. Listen to her. Let her talk.”
“No. I agree with Clare. What she needs most right now is space. I’ve learned that it’s important not to overreact. Feelings come and go. Sometimes it’s best just to wait until they wash away.” He must have seen something in her face because he frowned. “If she’s not back in an hour, I’ll go and look for her.”
An hour could feel like a lifetime when you were alone and miserable.
She was going to have to go herself, even though she was probably the last person in the world Izzy would talk to.
She put her plate down and then noticed Aiden heaping a plate with food. Either he had an extraordinary appetite, or he was intending to share it with someone. She was the only one who had noticed what he was doing. Everyone else was still dissecting Izzy’s behavior.
Teenager.
Under a great deal of stress.
Completely understandable.
Hideous year.
So many memories in this place.
Aiden saw her watching him and froze. They stared at each other for a moment, and then she turned back to the group and drew the conversation and attention toward herself.
Over Clare’s shoulder she saw Aiden slip away from the group, following the same path Izzy had taken.
Flora relaxed a little, relieved that someone was going after Izzy. It was going to be dark soon. She just hoped he’d be able to help. Maybe it would be easier for Izzy to talk to someone her own age.
They’d moved on to dessert by the time Clare noticed he was missing.
“Where’s Aiden?”
Todd glanced around. “He was here a moment ago.”
“These strawberries are delicious,” Flora said. “The sweetest I’ve tasted.”
“I grow them—” Clare launched into a detailed account of how she netted the berries to keep away the birds, how they’d ended up with a glut the previous year and she now had jars and jars of jam.
Flora was thinking about Izzy, but she was also thinking about herself. Thinking of all the times she’d buried her own needs and behaved in ways contrary to her nature in an attempt to be accepted. But it wasn’t really acceptance, was it? It wasn’t acceptance if you had to change who you were, or suppress your own needs. It wasn’t acceptance if you were afraid to be yourself and live the life you wanted to live.
The sun gradually sank low on the horizon, sending sparks of golden light across the surface of the lake.
Clare took Molly to bed. The adults stayed on the sunloungers, enjoying the peace of the evening.
Flames from the firepit darted upward, warming the air around them and tiny solar lights picked out the path to the water and led all the way to the boathouse. On the far side of the lake Flora could just about make out the silhouette of two people sitting on the dock.
She hoped Izzy was talking and Aiden was listening.
Todd appeared with a tray of coffee.
Jack sat down on the sunlounger next to Flora. He was obviously still agonizing about Izzy. “She said ‘I’m going to stay at home and look after you and Dad.’ Did you hear her?” He took the coffee mug Todd offered with a nod of thanks. “Is that what this is about? Is it because she feels she has to look after us?”
Clare stretched out next to Todd. “Is that what she’s been doing?”
“I suppose she has in a way.” Jack stared at the flames flickering in the firepit. “She does a lot around the house. I’m not the world’s best cook. And I miss things. I forget to send Molly with a drink. I make her sandwiches she doesn’t eat because I can’t for the life of me remember all the small details in the way Izzy does. Molly hates ham. I need to remember she hates ham. Anyway, Izzy took over, and I was grateful for it.”
“It’s probably been good for her, Jack.” Clare was holding Todd’s hand. “It’s good to be busy and feeling she
is contributing is important for her self-esteem.”
“But she seems to think I’m inept and incapable.” He gave a self-deprecating smile. “She could be right. I obviously need to get my act together and do more domestic stuff.”
If that was the problem, why hadn’t Izzy just yelled at her dad and told him he should be doing more?
Flora didn’t ask the question aloud. She’d already said enough, and was relieved that her intervention and honesty didn’t seem to have harmed her relationship with Jack.
She leaned against him, nursing her coffee in her lap.
“You’re quiet.” He trailed his fingers down her arm. “Still thinking about Izzy?”
She was, but not in the way he thought.
She could see now that she’d made a mistake working so hard to get Izzy to accept her. Julia had been right about that. She needed to take a different approach.
Maybe she and Izzy would never be friends but hopefully, by being herself, she could earn her respect.
13
Clare
“She’s nothing like I expected.” Clare flung open the windows of the bedroom. The cool morning air held the scent of rain and the promise of sunshine. It had rained in the night but now the sky was blue and it promised to be a hot day. Her favorite type of weather. “You?” She glanced through the open door of the bathroom where Todd was shaving.
“I’m a man. I don’t have expectations.” His chest was bare and he had a towel knotted around his hips. He put the razor down and met her gaze in the mirror. “All right, I’m going to ask the question you want me to ask. What did you expect?”
“I don’t know. Someone like Becca, I suppose.” She’d been astonished when Flora had stepped out of the car in her flowing skirt, brightly colored bangles and tumbling, Pre-Raphaelite hair. She hadn’t matched the image in Clare’s head.
“Thank goodness. She’s a lot more easygoing for a start.” Todd finished shaving and reached for the hand towel. “Sorry, probably shouldn’t have said that but you know it’s true. I know Becca was your oldest friend, but she wasn’t the easiest person and she did have a way of making everything about her. Also it was a pain constantly having to hang on to Chase’s collar in case he wagged his tail against her pristine clothing.”
“I wasn’t blind to Becca’s faults.” She ignored Todd’s raised eyebrow that suggested differently. “What do you think it says, that Flora is so different?”
Todd looked blank. “It says something?”
“Most people have a type, don’t they? If I died, would you pick someone like me?”
Todd wiped his face on the towel. “This isn’t a very cheerful conversation.”
“But if you pick someone entirely different, does it mean you didn’t like the person you were with? I mean, second time around would you pick someone without my flaws?”
“Flaws?” He stared at her in exaggerated shock. “You have flaws?”
“I’m shy. I enjoy my own company. I don’t like walking into crowded rooms where I don’t know people. I hate public speaking. The mere idea of team games brings me out in a rash because I was never the one picked at school.” Why was she spelling all this out? “Maybe next time you’ll choose someone who likes to be the life and soul of the party.”
Todd paused, the towel in his hands. “First, there isn’t going to be a next time. Second, I would never do that because then I wouldn’t be the life and soul of the party. There’s only room for one party animal in a relationship, and I nabbed that spot.” He winked at her and she rolled her eyes to hide the fact that he charmed her, just as he’d charmed her a thousand times before.
“Does the party animal have a headache after last night?”
“I do not. Jack drank more than I did. Did you see the way he was with her?”
“With Izzy?”
“No, with Flora.”
“I can’t keep up with your thought process. He was protective of her. Possibly because Izzy was rude.” Todd dropped the damp towel over the side of the bath but for once Clare didn’t say anything. She was too busy thinking about Jack.
“Not just that. He couldn’t stop touching her. He and Becca never did that.”
“Well they’d been married a long time.”
“We’ve been married a long time. We still touch.”
“Yes, but I’m a sex god and you’re temptation on legs so we’re different.”
No matter what the conversation, he always made her laugh.
“Do you think they’ve had sex yet?”
“I have no idea. I take an active interest in my own sex life, less so other people’s. And talking of which—” He prowled toward her and she gave a gasp and a giggle as he powered her back onto the bed.
“Todd! The windows are open.”
“Better not make a noise then.” He flashed her a wicked smile and then kissed her as if he hadn’t spent the past twenty years doing exactly this. He was as hungry for her now as she was for him. Those two decades hadn’t dulled the edge of desire. She’d never stopped wanting him, or he her. Every touch they exchanged was tinged with a delicious familiarity, an intimacy that only came with deep knowledge of a person.
She gasped as he fastened his mouth over her breast. “Todd! What are you doing?”
“I’m searching for your flaws. So far I haven’t found any but I’m going to keep looking.” He kissed his way to her other breast and then paused, his breathing uneven. “God, you’re beautiful.”
Flattered, charmed, she slid her hands over his shoulders, her fingers lingering on his muscles. “You’re not so bad yourself. I love your body.”
“Me? I’m a puny architect. Can’t lift more than a pen.” But he quickly disproved that by flipping her easily, so that he was on his back and she was on top. “Except when it’s my wife. For her, I’ll move a mountain.”
She stroked her hands over his chest and lower to the towel. “Did you lock the door?”
“No, but it’s early. No one is awake. Aiden is a teenager so no chance of seeing him until lunchtime, and as for the Americans—with the time change I calculate that it’s three in the morning for them. They’ll be dead to the world for a while.”
“Molly will be awake soon.”
“If she appears in the doorway I’ll tell her I couldn’t undo the knot on the towel and you were helping me. No one is going to come in, Clare.” He slid his hand behind her head and drew her face to his. His kiss was hungry and demanding and she melted into it, wondering how it was possible to love him more each day. They had their moments of course. Those minor irritations that were inevitable when you shared living space with another human being, even one you adored. But the foundations of their relationship were strong and solid. She wouldn’t tempt fate by saying that nothing could shake them, but she was confident they could withstand most anything.
“I love you, sweetheart.” He murmured the words against her mouth. “I love that you’re shy and that you listen more than you talk. That’s not a flaw, it’s who you are, and when you say something it’s always worth hearing. I’m not surprised you enjoy your own company—I enjoy your company, too. There’s no one else I’d rather spend time with. I don’t give a damn that you hate public speaking, and I promise that whenever I can I’ll be by your side when you have to walk into crowded rooms full of strangers. Did I miss anything out?”
“Team sports?” She was reminded of all the reasons she loved Todd, not that she needed much reminding.
He put his hands on her hips and held her firmly. “When there are balls involved, I’ve always been more of a one-on-one kind of guy.”
She gasped. “Todd Dickinson! What would your mother think?”
“I’m not having this conversation with my mother. I’m having it with my wife. And if we’re having a conversation about flaws, I have more. And they’re bigger.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Are you being competitive about flaws?”
“I don’t need to be, because I win. And I w
in big. I’m stubborn and never see obstacles—”
“—which is why we’re together, because you ignored every obstacle I put in your path.”
“It’s also why I’m currently handling a nightmare project with an engineer who is desperately trying to make my design work.”
“It will happen. You always make it happen.”
“I talk too much. I dominate a room.”
“Not true. You entertain people.” She kissed his jaw, smooth now against her lips. “You’re the perfect host. Maybe we’re a perfect pair.”
“Maybe?” He slid his hand down her back and pulled her closer. She could feel him, hard and ready through the flimsy towel and she pulled it away.
He tipped her onto her back so that he was back in control. With hands, mouth, the whole of his body he used the knowledge he had of her to drive her wild and she did the same. Here, in this bed, with Todd, she’d never felt shy. She felt powerful and beautiful and sure of herself, and she was sure of herself now as she wrapped her legs around him and rose up to meet and match his passion.
Afterward they lay together, slick skin and tangled limbs bathed by the morning breeze and birdsong. Warmed and softened by love, she nestled in the curve of his arm. “I’m so lucky to have you.”
“True.” His eyes were closed and he grunted as she poked him in the ribs.
“You’re lucky to have me, too.”
“You won’t hear me arguing with that.”
She pressed her lips to his chest. “I suppose if I’m honest, losing Becca made me appreciate what we have even more. Not that I ever took it for granted—”
“You don’t have to explain. I know what you mean.” For once the teasing note in his voice was absent. “I know it’s been tough for you, Clare. Losing your friend.”
“Yes, but not as tough as it has been for Jack and the children. It can’t be easy for Izzy, seeing her dad with someone else.” Clare jumped out of bed and headed for the shower. She didn’t protest when Todd followed. He’d designed the bathroom, adding skylights and widening the room. He’d then proceeded to install a walk-in shower with more than enough space for both of them.
