by Kevin Deeny
He took stock of his short life and felt adrift. His parents, who were fighting their own personal battles, were not a source he could rely on for guidance before Mike’s passing and it only got worse after. He came to a conclusion, “It’s time to stop whining and grow up.” He felt confident in the focus that allowed him to control his anger and his asthma.
He didn’t know where to begin in this self-imposed process of growing up, but leaned into his reading for help and found Socrates:
“Wisdom begins in wonder.”
It surprisingly complimented a quote from Albert Einstein, whom he idolized:
“Curiosity is more important than knowledge.”
He knew of himself that he had both wonder and curiosity about the world. He would follow where they led – somehow.
Chapter 11
Rosalind
Love is patient… – 1 Corinthians 13
He noticed her in his junior year. In school, all of the students were required to wear uniforms; for the girls, the outfit consisted of a white blouse and blue plaid jumper and for the boys, slacks, sport coat, white shirt, and blue tie. They all looked alike from a distance, and it was only after you got close and noticed the gap in front teeth or the ridgeline along the nose or the wild and unruly hair that one began to see differences among the students. Still, he was surprised he hadn’t been aware of her sooner. The few times he encountered her outside of school, she was dressed in dark and unflattering clothes, and she didn’t seem to have a large circle of friends. He later learned that her name was Rosalind.
High school can be a difficult time for anyone having to deal with acceptance and the making and breaking of friendships. It’s also a time when young people are trying to figure out their place in a world that is complex, chaotic, and often painfully indifferent. Marcus felt fortunate to have decided on a path forward and although he was yet to meet her, wondered if Rosalind had also found a path because she seemed singular and purposeful. Their circle of friends didn’t intersect, and Marcus’ activities didn’t pull him in her direction during their junior year. He continued to be aware of her at a distance, but when school broke for the summer, he chided himself for never getting up the courage to just step up and meet her.
When senior year rolled around, it was an anxious time for Marcus. He hoped to go on to college; he would be the first to do so in the family, but money was tight. He worked after school and Saturdays at the mall, but it wouldn’t be enough to cover costs. He applied for grants, but his father dragged his feet in filling out financial aid paperwork, and Marcus was powerless to move more quickly.
School continued on at a snail’s pace. Everyone’s focus was on the future; most would go on to college, some would join the military, while others would move right into the work world. Marcus felt frozen in place and couldn’t make plans about his future until he knew one way or the other if he would be able to afford college. In the meantime, he floated through his classes and worked as much as he could to save money. As fall deepened and many of his friends were talking about their plans, Marcus had all but given up hope.
He took the back stairs one morning in school as he left detention and stopped short when he noticed a girl sobbing on the top step of the landing. It was Rosalind. He startled her, and she turned her head away and wiped her face with the backs of her hands. He approached slowly and said, “Are you Ok?” She looked back at him and replied “I’m Ok. It’s just that some people can be real shits and it gets tiring.” He nodded with a knowing smile and said “I hear you. My name is Marcus. Can I sit?” She gave an almost imperceptible nod, and he sat on the step next to her. He waited for a few moments while she continued to wipe her face and take deep breaths. He was glad she stopped sobbing; it always un-nerved him when girls cry. “Not many people use these back stairs, but there should be at least a few kids coming through here soon,” he said and added, “We have about 10 minutes before classes start, do you want to get some air for a few minutes?”
She replied, “I would rather skip class and go get a bagel at the deli. Are you game?”
“Normally I’d say yes, but I was just coming from detention, and if I get caught skipping again I’ll be in detention for the rest of the month. I’ll have to pass.” He rose and extended a hand to help her up. She looked at him for a moment, accepted his hand and said: “Well, it was just a thought.” She gathered her books and headed down the stairs. He continued on his way up the stairs and paused to look back at her and said “Take care of yourself Rosalind” She turned back and asked, “How did you know my name?”
“Normally, I just know names, but this time I asked – about a year ago,” he said as he passed through the door.
In following days, they would occasionally cross paths in the hallways going and coming to classes and Marcus continued to notice that she was always alone but now seemed melancholy. A few times their eyes met and Marcus would smile and nod a greeting. On the fourth occasion, she smiled back. He could sense that she was still going through some personal pain, which he had only caught a glimpse of that morning on the stairs. Even though they had yet to have a proper conversation, he felt a kind of connection to her and wished there was some way he could help; he much preferred her smile. One idea came to mind which he thought would be personally uplifting, but most people wouldn’t get it, and some might think it was even weird. He said to himself, “What the hell, it’s worth a try,” and resolved to look for the right moment. He didn’t have to wait long.
He arrived early for school on Monday and cut out for the deli on the corner. It was the only clue he had to work with and thought perhaps a trip to the deli for a morning bagel was part of her routine. He stepped in just as she reached the cash register. Her back was to him as he hurriedly poured a cup of coffee, paid the attendant and quickly followed out the door. She sat on a bench outside, un-wrapped her bagel, and balanced her tea on the space next to her. She watched as he came out of the deli and looked back and forth. “Are you following me?” she asked. He smiled and said “You betcha. I hoped I’d run into you.”
“Well, here I am. Why are you looking for me?”
Marcus hesitated. He hadn’t thought what to say if he found her this quickly. He thought first of making up some kind of story about school, but couldn’t think of anything believable. She raised an eyebrow in anticipation, and he decided to just go for it.
“I’ve been thinking of you since I bumped into you on the stairs.”
“Really?” she asked as she looked directly at him with no hint of a smile.
He felt his face flush as he realized what she was thinking. “No, it’s not what you think, it’s not like that” he tried to clarify as he watched her stoic expression change to annoyance. He quickly added “This is not coming out the way I planned. Could I just start over?”
He pointed with an open palm to the bench beside her, and she nodded her permission for him to sit beside her. She gathered her cup of tea, held it in both hands, and looked at him expressionless while he began again.
“I’ve been aware of you for some time; I guess over a year now. It’s not like a stalking or obsession thing, it’s just that I know you are in a room without seeing you. I now notice you in a hallway full of other people like there is a connection between us. When we left after our meeting on the stairs, I was concerned. I guess I still am and wanted to check in and see how you are doing.”
Her eyes welled, and a single tear flowed down her cheek and dropped onto the lid of her tea. She looked down and wiped at the tear absently and sighed.
“I didn’t mean to upset you,” Marcus said. “I just wanted to see if you’re ok. Are you?”
She put her tea aside and said “I’m ok. It’s just that my parents are breaking up and I have a hard time taking school seriously right now. And it doesn’t help that most of the girls in this school are self-absorbed twits.” She took a deep breath, sniff
led, and said “Thanks for asking though.”
He smiled, and she did too as she wiped her face again. He said “Listen, if you need a break in your routine, I sometimes go into the city to a place that always lifts my spirits. I work on Saturday, but Sunday might be a good day for it if you’re game. It wouldn’t be a date or anything, just something different to do for a few hours.”
“Are you going to tell me where it is or what you want to do?”
“No, it’s hard to explain and probably best to just experience it. I promise it’s not crazy or risky, it’s just a good place to go for perspective.” He rose and said “Think about it. I’ll stop for coffee again tomorrow,” and he made his way back to school already thinking about the chemistry quiz he didn’t study for.
He sat alone on the bench Tuesday morning and drank his coffee. He waited as long as he could before he headed over to school before first-period class began. He didn’t see Rosalind in the halls that day. Wednesday and Thursday were a repeat, and he wondered if she thought he was too creepy or weird. On Friday morning, she was sitting on the bench before he got there. He went into the deli, bought a cup of coffee, and joined her outside. “How are you doing?” he asked.
“Ok. We moved to another apartment, and it took forever to pack, move, and clean. I missed a few days of school, but I can make it up. It just sucks; this makes things pretty final between my parents.”
He nodded and couldn’t think of a good thing to say.
“I think I’ll take you up on your not-a-date offer if it’s still on for Sunday. I need a break from my life for a while.”
“Ok, great. I usually take the train if that’s Ok with you because driving is a hassle in the city. Should I pick you up at your new place or do you want to meet me someplace?”
“Can you pick me up here?” she asked.
“Sure. How about 9am; we can catch the 9:45am train.”
“Ok”
They both walked down the sidewalk to school and parted inside the front door, each going in a different direction to their classes. Marcus was no longer thinking of chemistry class.
Chapter 12
Lessons from Children
Children see magic because they look for it. – Christopher Moore
On Sunday morning, Marcus arrived at the deli early and saw Rosalind sitting on the bench as he pulled into a parking space. She came over toward the car and stopped to look it over. She surveyed the mismatched fender colors with patches of grey primer paint and asked: “Are you sure this will get us to the train station?”
He replied a little defensively “It runs fine. Let me get a cup of coffee for the trip. Do you want anything?” She shook her head and raised her cup to let him know she was all set. When he came out, she was sitting in the car, and seemed to take note of the duct tape repair to the upholstery, but didn’t mention it as they got on their way.
“Are you still not going to tell me where we’re going?”
“Nope. Let’s consider it an adventure.”
They caught their train with time to spare and had their choice of seats. They sat together but didn’t talk much. Rosalind listened to music on a transistor radio she retrieved from her purse and stared at the scenes passing by out of the window. He got a sense she didn’t go into the city much and found this unfamiliar. He was now an old hand and enjoyed the rocking of the train as it sped along. It wasn’t long before he was lulled into a nap. The train ride took about an hour. They got off at the University City stop and walked 2 blocks to the children’s hospital. They stood outside looking at the building entrance with people moving in and out, taxis and shuttle vans at the curb and cars dropping people off or picking them up. The scene looked busy – even chaotic to Rosalind, but Marcus just smiled. He said, in an attempt to describe the scene, “Visiting hours started at 10am, and it can be a little busy on a Sunday.” He walked through the doors at the front entrance with Rosalind close behind. They passed through toward to the elevator lobby and moved with other waiting visitors onto the next elevator. He pressed “4” as they squeezed in.
They got off the elevator onto the fourth floor and Marcus engaged Rosalind in conversation as they walked down the hallway past the nurses’ station toward the end of the wing. One of the nurses was on the phone when they went by and waved her acknowledgment as they went by. This hospital floor was like most that Rosalind had seen when she visited family and friends, except for the brightly colored stripes painted on the walls and graphics of landscapes, speech balloons, rainbows, and alphabet blocks. At the end of the hallway they arrived at the solarium; a large room that spanned the width of the wing, and enclosed with glass on three sides. Visitors and children of various ages were scattered throughout the room. Some sat in bean bag chairs reading books, or at tables playing board games, or on the floor working on puzzles. It was as noisy as a school cafeteria.
Many of the children were dressed in hospital gowns and pajama bottoms with mismatched brightly colored socks. Some were bald; the result of their cancer treatments and some were tethered to wheeled IV poles that they masterfully navigated around the room as they played. A group playing a pick-up game of soccer using a half-sized, plush toy basketball maneuvered around the room skillfully and broke free into the hallway laughing and giggling as they played through the course obstacles of nurses, doctors, and visitors.
Rosalind looked at Marcus quizzically, and he explained. “My little sister was here a year ago on the 5th floor. We found this place during our walks around the hospital and would come here often. It was a special place for both of us. It’s kind of funny that with all of the things these kids are going through, this place is filled with energy and laughter. I look at these kids who suffer from any problem you could imagine, and they laugh and play. These are kids of every race all mixed up together, and if you listen closely, you can hear a lot of languages and a lot of accents, yet they all figure out how to play with each other. I think of this place often – it helps to remind me that my life is not so bad after all. This is what I wanted you to see.”
Rosalind was quiet and took in the scene of the city beyond the glass; it was a beautiful fall day. She could make out a football game being played on a distant field, people on the sidewalks below, cars in motion on the streets and trees along the roadways that were changing color. Her focus shifted to take in the scene in the solarium, closed her eyes and immersed herself in the sounds of the place. She struggled internally to describe what she heard, ‘cacophony’ seemed too harsh. This noise was filled with the sounds of children talking and laughing, sock muffled footsteps, moving chairs, and squeaky IV pole wheels. She smiled when it came to her, and she said aloud; “This sounds like life.” She felt goosebumps rise on her arms and she opened her eyes, looked at Marcus and said, “Can we stay for a while?”
“Of course,” he said, and they moved to find chairs in the corner. They spent time talking with kids, reading books, and helping with puzzles. Soon, bald heads, IV ports, and wheelchairs were features they no longer considered extraordinary.
A boy who looked to be 12 years old wandered into the room and looked around. He found it hard to keep track of his friends with so many comings and goings. He spent enough time in the hospital to see a lot of kids pass through and he thought of them all as friends. They all shared a universal yearning; to be home with their families and to be done with their therapies, operations, and countless follow-up visits. They all came to know the names of the doctors and nurses who were all very nice, but they were not the same as family and besides, they went home every night. Each of the children would look for a break in the routine of their hospital existence, and the solarium was a place to do something different or even have a little fun for a while. So, Will paused at the doorway to look for a familiar face, someone to talk to, someone to play with, or someone to just sit and be quiet with. When he spotted Marcus across the room, he smiled.
Rosalind saw the boy with a broad smile on his face, bald with an orange and black scarf hanging loosely around his neck, as he pushed his IV pole along a path toward them. He came close, stopped in front of Marcus and waited. Marcus looked up and said, “Hi Will, it’s good to see you. What are you back here for?”
“Hey, Marcus. They’ve got to change my tubes and do some tests, but I’m good. Are you up for a game?”
“Sure Will. Are you still hoping to beat me?”
“I might have something for you this time. I joined the chess club at school, and I learn something new every day.”
“I don’t doubt it Will; you’re already one of the smartest kids I know. It’s only a matter of time.”
He and Rosalind rose and moved to a table along the wall. Marcus pointed to Rosalind and said “Will, this is Rosalind; she’s a friend from school, and Rosalind, this is Will. I have to warn you, he’s from Altoona and is obsessed with trains. Don’t let him get started talking about the Horseshoe Curve; you will grow old listening to his stories.”
Will laughed. His grandfather had worked for the Pennsylvania Railroad for many years before it became Penn Central and later Conrail. His grandfather had heard all of the stories from the old timers and recounted them to Will. There were stories about the mighty engines that pulled long lines of rail cars through the Allegheny Mountains, infamous wrecks of runaway trains, and of the men who built Horseshoe Curve with sweat and muscle before the era of big machines. Will often dreamed of what it would be like to be such a man; to work hard and long and not have your body fail you.
He smiled and said “Hey Roz” and extended his hand in greeting. Rosalind noticed the ease with which he adopted a nickname for her. She took his hand and shook it gently noting that an IV line was connected and tethered to a bag that hung from the pole he clasped with his other hand.
They all sat, and Marcus and Will started their chess game. Marcus noticed right away that Will had indeed improved. He was more confident and aggressive. Marcus found himself on the defensive. As the game progressed, Marcus studied Will. Although he said it jokingly, when he introduced him to Rosalind, Will really was one of the smartest kids he knew. Yet Will was more than just smart. There are a lot of descriptive terms he thought might fit; mature for his age, wise beyond his years, an old soul. All of them applied, but all were inadequate. As the match wore on, Will’s confidence ebbed, and his energy sagged. Marcus said in a low voice, “How about we call it for now? Remember the board, and next time we’ll pick up where we left off.”
