I wanted to call and tell him how sorry I was that I so recklessly spit those words out that made him feel responsible for my pain, but all I could do was imagine how much better his life could be if he walked away and never had to deal with everything that being with me entailed.
I sat there for some time, agonizing over it all. A rattle at the door gave me hope for a moment, until it opened and Nance headed in with a couple of bags of groceries she’d picked up.
“Hey, baby, how you feeling?” She shut the door behind her, searching around my place. “Where’s Dax?”
I turned away, ashamed of what a coward I’d been with the way I pushed him away.
“Gone. Probably forever.”
I was being overdramatic. He was still in Fever Falls, and he’d left his things at my place, so he’d have to come back. But I wasn’t upset just about seeing him again. I was upset because I’d finally realized that the best thing for him might have been to get out of town and never see me again. However, the thought that I might never get to feel his touch, hear the cadence of his voice, or enjoy a joke he texted, made the burning sensation in my chest radiate through me, overpowering any pain I’d felt when injuring my leg.
I needed to be alone.
Even having Nance there was too much.
I wiped at my face quickly, knowing I had to keep my cool while she was there.
Come on, Jace. Toughen up.
“Is everything okay?” Nance asked. She started around the couch, abandoning the groceries on the floor.
“I’m just sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I know you came all the way to play nurse, but you mind if I have some time to myself? A lot happened today, and I could use some time with my own thoughts.”
She glanced me over. “Okay, I’ll head out. But you mind if I sit here with you for a minute?”
“I’m worried about why you want to sit with me,” I said, detecting suspicious motives in her expression.
“You should be, Jacey.” She sat next to me and Mac, who still lay in my lap, and she stroked his coat with me. “I’m sorry for everything today brought up for you.”
“Nothing you could have done about it. And Dax warned me about this very sort of thing. I guess since it hadn’t come up already, I didn’t see why it would. At least, not like that. Or maybe it was just the timing with my injury and knowing you guys were worried about me.”
“We don’t get to choose how life happens, do we? Otherwise, Crawford would still be with us. And you wouldn’t have been in that fire. Or finding yourself completely head over heels for Dax.”
I didn’t deny it, but I didn’t say anything to give her more to work with either.
I cared about him, deeply so…more than I’d cared about anyone, but it wasn’t until that moment in the fire that I really knew just how much, and it scared the ever loving shit out of me.
“You think you’re so good at hiding how you feel, but you’re not, Jace. Not with me. It’s been too many years for that.”
“I was so selfish, Nance,” I confessed.
“How?”
“It was just harmless fun, and I’ve had fun with plenty of people before. But then this turned into more. I should have stopped it at some point. I should have walked away and let Dax live his life. I saw the look on his face when he walked into that hospital room. He was scared…really scared, just like you and Keegan. Not a day goes by where I don’t worry that I’m going to do the same thing Crawford did to us. That I’m hurting you guys by doing what I do.”
“Jace, I’m so proud of everything you’ve done. And yes, I’m terrified, more so because of what happened with Crawford, but I know with both of you, there’s nothing that you could do that could ever make you as happy as saving lives. I know that’s why you do it, and I love you for that.”
She put her arm around me, and Mac, seeming to realize he was standing between us, stepped off the sofa and headed to his bed by the media console. She scooted toward me, pulling me in for a hug, and it all came rushing out of me, every bit of emotion I felt, as though I’d been holding back, damming up. It spewed forth, and I wept as though I wasn’t just weeping over Crawford or Dax, but over everything that had ever happened that I’d held back.
I fought it, but it was pointless.
I was hopeless.
“There it is, Jace. I knew you had it in you somewhere,” she said, rubbing her hand over the back of my head.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be stronger.”
“You don’t have to be strong all the time, Jace. We can take turns. That’s the whole point of life.”
“I know that, but thank you for saying it. I just love you guys so much, and I want to be here for you. You guys have my whole heart.”
“Yes, we’ve had your whole heart for a long time now, so maybe it’s time we share it with someone else.”
Her words caught me by surprise.
“I always figured Crawford was one of the reasons you kept people at a distance, never got in any serious relationships, and I hoped that when the right person came along, you’d know it was time to let the walls down.”
She pulled away and took my chin, lifting it so I was looking her in the eyes. I batted at my tears, struggling against them still.
“Don’t you think it’s about time, Jace?”
She was right. She echoed so many of the things I’d been battling since all this crap from our past had been dredged up.
Dax Munro…what am I going to do about you?
39
Dax
I pounded on the door to Serena’s hotel room so loudly, the sound echoed through the hall to the point where it even caught me off guard. My face swelled with heat as I tightened my fists.
It was difficult to determine what was bothering me more: the events that had transpired earlier that day, Jace’s rejection, or the thought of Serena preying on Keegan and the Kruses in a moment of weakness.
Regardless, she wasn’t getting away with it.
Not this fucking time.
The door opened, and Serena stood there, her mouth and eyes wide in apparent shock. “Jesus Christ, I thought I was going to have to google hotel-room invasions in Fever Falls, GA. Dax, what is wrong?”
“Mind if I come in?” I asked, forcing the words out as I struggled to maintain some decorum.
She stepped aside and allowed me into her room. “Not exactly the Ritz-Carlton,” she said as I entered the single bedroom. “It was just going to be for a few nights, so I got something cheap.”
“I didn’t come here to see your room.”
“Well, considering how you knocked, I suspected my card might have been declined. What’s wrong? Did something happen with Jace?”
It was just like my mother to find a nerve and dig right into it.
“Don’t even say his name.”
I had to deal with one thing at a time. First, my feelings toward her. Then, the pain of knowing it was over between me and the only man I’d ever allowed myself to get close to.
“I think I deserve an explanation for this attitude you’re bringing in here. I was just minding my own business and—”
“Did you agree to interview with Melissa Fairfax?”
Serena’s expression sobered. “My, my, doesn’t news travel fast?” She glanced at herself in the mirror on the wall beside her, then averted her gaze from her reflection as though she didn’t want to look at it long enough to judge herself for her crime.
“Answer me.”
“Dax, what could that possibly—”
“You did, and you won’t fess up to it. God, just say it! Don’t you see that’s all I ever wanted? I don’t want to play games or beat around the bush. This is just like when I was a kid. Talk to me, for Christ’s sake! Be honest with me for once in your life.”
“Yes, I did agree to an interview, Dax. How did you even find out about it?”
“My assistant gets around,” I said quickly before getting to the heart of my discord. “Fuck you, Ser
ena. Fuck you to hell. I told you not to take any interviews, and then the moment you found a way to get yours out of this, you jumped at the opportunity.”
She opened her mouth like she was about to defend the undefendable, but she sealed her lips just as quickly, as though she was going to let me finish my thought before interrupting.
“I should have known when you wanted to meet the guy,” I went on. “When the fuck have you ever wanted to meet anyone I was seeing? Of course, since he was some hot insta-celebrity and you found a chance to throw yourself in front of a few cameras, that was enough for you. And now you have this big interview where you can have the lights and cameras all over you and all the attention…no matter how cheap of an excuse it may be. All that, I can look past. All that, I can fucking chalk it up to you being exactly who I always knew you were.” The fury within me climbed effortlessly as I recalled her time at the hospital. “But if you’re thinking you’re gonna go on prime time and give some sob story about how you were there to console Keegan in his time of need, if you reveal anything he told you in confidence about his dead father, I will fucking ruin you. Do you understand that?”
A single tear escaped her right eye and rushed down her cheek.
“Cut the act, Mom. The cameras aren’t in here.”
I made sure to stress the title she was so unworthy of—at so many points in her life, but especially in that moment.
She folded her arms and shook her head. “A part of me really wanted to stop you from making an ass of yourself, but then I thought, no, I want to know what you think of me. And there it is.” Her eyes continued to water, and though I blamed it on performance, I knew she wasn’t that good an actress. “You really think that’s the kind of person I am? That I would exploit that poor family for another minute of fame?”
“You did it to your son.”
“I loved it, Dax. I loved everything about this business, and I wanted to share it with you. Was that a crime?”
“No, that wasn’t a crime, but leaving me for extended periods of time so you could shoot up heroin with your boyfriend of the moment, taking my money so that you could afford your own life, those things were disgusting.”
“I wasn’t a good person back then, I know that. And I wasn’t good to you. I was a wreck, and most days I hardly even wanted to stick around on this planet, let alone get my life together. I needed help, but the thing about heroin is, the thing that makes it so goddamn good is that the whole world can come crashing down around you, and everything feels like it’s alright. That was why it was so hard to let go, because everything was quiet and serene, and I didn’t even know how bad it was even when it was the worst. It was paradise.”
“While you were in paradise, your son was in hell, but don’t worry, I’ll be fucking fine. I’ve been doing just fine all this time.”
I started past her for the door.
“Dax—”
I spun around. “All I ever wanted was that for once in your fucking selfish life—that was all about the roles and the men and the drugs—you would choose me.”
I started to turn again when she took my arm. “No, Dax. That isn’t true. I did choose you.”
“I’m tired of your lies,” I said, defeated, and continued toward the door.
“No, no, no.” She sprang to the desk and snatched her phone before sliding between me and the door.
“Serena, get out of my way. I’m done with you.”
“No,” she said, whimpering as she thumbed around on her phone. “You wait right here.”
With a trembling hand, she offered it to me.
“What the fuck?” I brushed it off, grabbing the door handle, but she threw herself against the door.
“No, Dax. You look at this. Just look.”
I took her phone, seeing an email thread with an ABC email address.
Sorry, but due to recent events, I don’t think I’ll be able to attend this interview after all. Thank you for considering me. xoxo Serena
I checked the time, and it was the night before, when she would have found out about Jace’s injury.
“I did say yes to the interview,” she confessed. “They asked after the pictures at the car wash, and I was greedy.” Her tears continued down her face. “Sometimes your mother likes to think she’s still in those days when the phone never stopped ringing. And for just a moment, when they emailed, I thought, Oh, they saw pictures of me and remembered that I’m somebody. That they’d want me to talk about my life and the good times. I really did think that, but as soon as I heard about the accident, I knew they were just going to want me to dish on you guys, and I wasn’t going to do that. I never would have done that, and with Keegan, it kills me that you think I could have betrayed him like that. We had such a beautiful conversation, and he’s such an honest and open kid. I would never have revealed anything about him…or exploited him.”
Hearing her words and seeing the evidence that, at the very least, she really wasn’t the monster I’d stormed over there thinking she was, I gasped with relief as my own tears flowed freely.
“God-fucking-dammit, Mom.”
“I did choose you, Dax. I chose you when I decided to get clean, really get clean for the final time. And I know I should have done it sooner, but I am trying, so fucking hard. Don’t leave. Don’t go. You’re the only thing I have left in this world that matters…the only thing that was ever real, and I’m sorry it took me so long to figure that out.”
I hooked my arm around her and pulled her in for a hug.
She wasn’t the best, and things between us weren’t and likely never would be perfect, but between hearing her say those words and knowing she hadn’t cruelly betrayed me for the sake of her career, brought me so much relief that for a moment, I felt like I had an ally.
“Don’t leave,” she begged.
“You should have just shown me this when I nearly beat down your door.”
“You weren’t really telling me what you were so upset about…or listening. But you have to believe that I’m in your life now because I want to be. Because I love you.”
I pulled away and wiped the tears from my eyes. “Thank you for saying that, Serena…or Miranda…or Katherine…or whatever-the-hell name you decide you need to go by.”
She laughed, batting at her own tears. “Well, I’m here for you now, Dax or Donald or Donnie. I’m here for you and Jace.”
“Just me, I think. Jace…um…well, I think he realizes exactly how in over his head he was with…the machine.”
“Oh, Dax.” She wiped at my face, removing a stray tear. “How are you feeling?”
“Pretty shit,” I said. “I think I might have made a mistake.”
“What mistake, Daxy Boo?”
“I think I might have fallen in love.”
She wrapped her arms around me again, and I held her close, for the first time in so long really feeling like we were on the same side.
After sharing a few shaky breaths, she pulled away again. “I’ve been ‘in love’ enough times to know the difference between what I had and what you and Jace share. It’s wrong to need a man, but it’s not wrong to want to share life with someone…someone who really makes you happy…someone who you don’t need.”
“That’s what I pay Carter for,” I joked, trying to cheer myself up, but it didn’t work.
“As hard as it is seeing you like this, it does give me some hope.”
The fuck?
“Hope?”
“That I didn’t totally fuck everything up…keep you from ever trusting or loving another person.”
“I liked me better when I didn’t trust or love anyone,” I said, but I knew that was a lie. Because even after Jace had pushed me away, I knew that even if he never wanted to speak to me again, being with him, the time we shared, had been the most magical time in my life.
“Come on,” Serena said. “Let’s watch a terrible movie, drink martinis, and put on some mud masks.”
And as only Serena could, despite our pas
t and differences, she found a way to my heart once again. “I’d really like that.”
40
Jace
Stepping into Fever Pitch, I made my way through the crowd until I spied Dax at the bar, martini in hand.
I approached, noticing a few glances from the tables and booths. Some I recognized from around town, some I didn’t. The ones who seemed to have caught the news wore familiar expressions, reminding me of the way people had looked at me after Crawford had passed. Just another reminder of the painful memories evoked by my accident.
I reached the bar, and Dax, who turned to me.
“Dude, what are you doing?” he asked, pushing to his feet. “Should you even be running around town right now?”
“Give me a break. Wait, I think I already got one. Now sit your ass back down, or I’m gonna start assaulting you with some more Dad jokes.”
His concern transformed into a smirk, and he returned his ass to that stool.
“You’re lucky you’re charming, even in that boot.” He took another sip of his drink before setting his glass on the bar.
“Hey, Dallas, you mind grabbing me a—” Before I had a chance to finish my sentence, Dallas was already handing me a cold one.
Dax glanced between us. “I take it this is more than a serendipitous moment.”
“A little birdie might have given you away. —Thanks, Dallas.”
“Anytime, man.”
Dax shook his head as though he disapproved, but his persistent smile assured me he was glad I’d showed up.
As Nance and I had been finishing off a good bit of pie, Dallas had messaged to let me know Dax was hanging at the bar. Nance hadn’t hesitated to fetch me an Uber to get my ass out there to see my man…if he’d still have me after what an ass I was at my place earlier.
I took a sip of my beer, and Dax said, “You’ll be happy to know Serena isn’t doing the interview. She never had any intention of doing it after she saw you were injured.”
#BURN (Fever Falls Book 2) Page 25
