Rain’s panting and wagging tail warned me of my father’s approach.
“Little bird.” Father sat down next to me.
I gained control of myself and quickly dried the remaining moisture from my eyes. “How did you know where to find me?”
“This has always been your spot. I just never confessed I knew about it. Besides, I saw Rain running around out here, so my chances of finding you were high.”
“I was teaching him how to hunt.”
“How did you manage that?”
“I’m sure I had little to do with it, actually. I brought out a rabbit and let it go.”
“And he caught it?”
“Yeah.” I wiped my nose on my sleeve. “He ate the whole thing.”
“Nice.” He noticed the delivery from his father a few feet away but didn’t address it. He sat next to me and held my hand.
He started to say something, and though I’m sure he had a hundred words he wanted to say, he couldn’t manage the first few without choking them out. “I’m so sorry about Blue.”
I tried to stop him, but he squeezed my hand.
“No. Please let me finish.” He cleared his throat in an effort to regain his composure. “I would have never gone along with this if I had known the things he’d put you through. I only wanted you to have a chance at happiness. I know I’m not your real father, but I’ve always seen you as my own flesh and blood since the day we brought you home.” His tears turned into sobs. He continued, only able to spurt out his woeful confession. “Your mother trusted me. Gods, Una, I’m so sorry I’ve failed you. I’m so very sorry.” He held me tightly, rocking me slowly as his eyes and nose ran onto the top of my head.
Feeling the intensity of his pain, I started to cry, too. He thought that my pregnancy was a product of rape, not love. His arrangement with Blue’s grandparents and my going to prison had nothing to do with it. As easy as it would be to hide the truth, I couldn’t bear letting him continue to feel this way. I couldn’t let him fault himself, because he didn’t do anything wrong. He did what any father would do, and he didn’t deserve to be tormented like this for it.
“You’re not a failure, Father. You are a good and honorable man.”
I have to tell him the truth.
“I love you, Una.” He kissed me on the forehead.
“I know you do, Father, and I love you too, but—” I stammered “—there’s something you need to know.”
I cried so hard I was unable to say another word. As soon as I allowed my confession to come out of my mouth, there would be no way to take it back. My fear and guilt took control of me as I struggled with finding the right words to tell him.
My father, now more composed, spoke to me the way he did when I was young. “Shhh, little bird, don’t cry so hard. Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter. Everything will be all right.”
I knew his words were meant to comfort me; nonetheless, they only made me more ashamed of what I needed to confess. “I’m afraid you won’t. I’m afraid you’ll hate me.” I sobbed. “I’m afraid you’ll hate Calish.”
“Why would I hate Calish?” He rocked me as I cried, then his rocking slowed to a stop. “Una?” He held his breath hesitantly. “Why would I hate Calish?”
“We planned to tell you this morning.”
My father’s body tensed up with his arms still around me. “Tell me what?”
“About the pregnancy…”
His words came out slowly. “What about the guard? Reinick said he attacked you.”
“He did attack me; well, he intended to. Instead, I fooled him. I made him think, um, I made him think I wasn’t going to resist his advances.” I pulled back from my father’s embrace. “When he became overconfident, I killed him. I bit into his neck and watched him bleed out on the floor. When I was sure he was dead, I ran and made the guards believe his attack had been interrupted.”
My father sat there, still, unable to mutter a word. His hand slid over his face, rubbing his chin and cheeks until he finally covered his eyes. Still blinding himself, he asked me the question directly. “Are you telling me this baby is Calish’s?”
My body trembled all over as I whimpered my confirmation. His hand lowered slowly, and his piercing eyes bore into me with an anger unlike anything I’ve ever known. His lips quivered with a bolstering voice that scared the bats out of their trees. “Is it Calish’s?”
I balled myself up, cowering from him, and nodded my head. “Yes,” I whispered.
His head bobbed two or three times as his eyes darted randomly across the field. His teeth touched end to end before his lips pressed over them in a thin straight line. He said nothing. Soon, his body stiffened. He didn’t move a muscle on his own, although I felt them twitch from where I’d retreated. Afraid to speak, but more afraid to budge, I waited. Tears poured down my cheeks in expectation of his anger.
All I heard was the sound of his breathing. Air forced out his nose like an ox. In all my life, I had not seen my father react this way. I didn’t know what to do next. It took him what seemed like an eternity to find his next question. “Who else knows?”
“Father, please don’t be angry.”
“Answer me right now, Una!” His voice echoed off the rocks of the hillside.
I was afraid, yet telling him another lie terrified me more. “Mother,” I said just above a whisper.
He shook his head as if that didn’t surprise him at all. “I don’t believe you. She’s the only one?”
I bit my lips together and sobbed.
“Who else knows!”
“A healer at the Authority? I’m not sure. I mean, Mother knew right away, so Sada might.”
“And? Who else?”
I lost my breath.
He grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me. “Quit hiding the truth! Who else knows!”
“Hawk. Hawk knows.”
My father, unable to keep control of himself any longer, dug his fingertips into my shoulder caps. In an instant, he let go and stood up. He towered over me. “Hawk? As in, my brother Hawk?” He paced in front of me, running his hands through his hair. “Gods damn it, Una! Do you have any idea what you’ve done?” he hollered, and the clouds above closed over us.
“He’s different now. I swear!”
My father pointed at me with his jaw clenched. “Shut up!” His eyes nearly set me ablaze as the first drops of rain fell from the darkened sky. “You lied to me, you kept secrets from me, and in doing so, you’ve single-handedly destroyed this entire family.”
His words hurt worse than any torture I endured while in prison. There was nothing to be done, nothing to be said. His anger was justified; his words were debilitating. I stood and reached out for him, desperately hoping that he still loved me in spite of it all.
“No.” He backed away. “I can’t look at you. Not now.” He headed for the house as the clouds above us opened up. The length of his stride indicated he had no intention of letting this settle tonight. Fearing for Calish and my mother, I ran after him, trying to explain, but he refused to listen. I touched him, and he shrugged me off. More aggressively, I grabbed his hand to pull him back. He turned and pushed me away with such force I fell to the wet ground.
He stomped up onto the porch and threw the door open so it crashed into the wall behind it. “Calish!” he roared, me chasing after him through the rain. Calish sat up from his place in the loft and saw him…and me.
“Get down here, you filthy piece of shit!” Father’s voice resonated throughout the house.
Mother ran to him, tying her robe in a quick knot. “Tawl, calm down.” She put her hand on his chest, but he slapped it away.
“You knew about this!”
“Tawl, my love, we need to go outside and talk.”
Marsh whispered, “What’s happening, Cal?”
Father didn’t give him the opportunity to answer. “What’s happening? How about I tell you what happened! He impregnated your sister!”
He clenched his teeth a
nd sucked in a lungful of air as Calish climbed down. Marsh’s less than shocked reaction infuriated our father more.
“Don’t tell me you knew about this!”
“Um, the pregnancy? No, sir.” He shook his head.
“But you knew about them?” Father asked directly.
Marsh shrugged and rolled his eyes in a nonspecific way. He wanted no part in this, not that I blamed him.
Father’s face glowed red as hot coals, his fists clenched like stones at his sides. “You’ve got to be kidding me! You all knew! Well, aren’t I a damn fool then, huh?”
“Tawl, dear, please calm down,” Mother begged, stepping between her husband and her baby boy.
Father pushed her aside and grabbed his son by the shirt, slamming him up against the loft’s ladder. “You want to be a man? A man who violates his own sister?” He dragged Calish to the door as my mother and I pleaded for him to stop. “Then go be a man!” he hollered, shoving him out of the house.
Calish tripped over the threshold into the rain where he fell backward into the mud.
Father pointed at me. “You! Go to bed!”
I screamed at him as I ran out the door, Rain close at my heels.
“I’ll be fine, Una, go inside.” Calish grunted as he stood up properly.
“I’m not leaving you,” I promised loud enough for everyone to hear.
“You’ve made your choice,” Father said, slamming the front door.
Calish slicked his hair back, staring at the closed door. Rain ran up the porch and pawed at the threshold, but judging by our parents’ volume, they wouldn’t have noticed. When something inside hit the wall and shattered, the wolf pup darted away, tail between his back legs, until he was safely crouched behind my knees.
Even with rain showers pouring around us and the house closed tight, I heard every word exchanged between them. My father’s voice broke under the weight of his accusations, and he learned the harsh truth of my mother’s opinions. She masked her fears and contempt so well in the previous days, I would never have known she felt the way she did if their argument hadn’t forced them from her lips. Both of them shouted over the other without attempting to censor themselves. They were angry and pleading, gut-wrenching and raw.
They tore into each other in a way unlike I’d ever witnessed. I clutched my arms tightly, digging my fingernails into my flesh. It didn’t stop the words from coming. I gasped for air as my world unraveled behind walls thin enough to hear through but thick enough to keep me forever separated. The pain was worse than anything I’d ever known, and in a desperate attempt to muffle it, I covered my ears and turned away.
The water streamed down my face, a mixture combined by the heavens and unbridled regret. My parents weren’t coming for us. No. I’d made my decisions, and they made theirs. Their argument only set the stain of permanence.
Soaked to the skin, Calish put his arm around my shoulders and led me away. Together, with Rain by our side, he brought us to the hay barn. There was nowhere else to go. Not tonight. He unfastened a full bale of straw and spread it about for a more comfortable surface to lie on.
I shivered in my wet nightshirt and cried not because I was cold, but because my heart was broken.
You single-handedly destroyed this family.
Calish pulled off his drenched and dirtied clothes, leaving on only his unders. He helped me out of mine and hung them on a nail near the corner. Up above in the rafters, he found a basket of old towels we intended to cut down for rags, or sew into bags, and handed me the largest one. I wrapped it around myself, and he used one big enough to put around his waist. I squeezed water from my hair with a rag as he lay down.
He invited me to him, and it brought back my grief. I sniffled, and he guided me down to his side, carefully covering me with the reclaimed linens to keep warm.
“Just give him a little time.” He kissed me on top of my head as I sobbed into his chest.
Calish tried to be strong, although I knew from his breathing that he cried, too. He held me tighter, and though we were nearly as close as two people could be, we were worlds apart. I wasn’t sure what we were going to do about tomorrow. Whatever it was, I prayed it wouldn’t be as awful as tonight had been.
It seemed as if I actually had something specific to ask the Great One for after all. I just hoped that my request was interesting enough for him to listen to and compelling enough for him to respond.
Chapter 9
Rain woke us up with the need to relieve himself. When I opened the door, I made sure to do it just enough to let him out without being seen. While I was sure that our family knew we didn’t go far, I was in no rush to see anyone this morning, especially in nothing but unders and a towel.
Calish sat up and stretched, trying to work out the kinks I had caused him during the night. He held me at the expense of a night’s rest. I doubt he ever moved for fear I’d be uncomfortable. By the way he nursed his hand, I guessed the blood flowing past his shoulder and down to his fingers had stopped hours ago. Other than my wet clothes hanging on the wall, my evidence of the night’s devastation consisted of eyes so swollen it hurt to hold them open.
Rain came back in as soon as he’d finished his business. He circled four or five times before he finally plopped down, lifting his hind leg to clean himself. It made me slightly uncomfortable to watch him lick there, so I busied myself making sure the door was closed and laying our clothes over the rafters to dry.
I listened to the patter of rain falling on the roof above. I didn’t know what to say to Calish. Apparently, he had no words for me either. If reading each other’s thoughts were possible, I’m sure we’d find we were both thinking the same things. I picked up a piece of hay and stripped all the pieces off of it until it was just a yellow tube.
“So what do we do now?” I said, tossing the hay piece and retrieving another one.
“I wish I knew.”
Finding myself bored with the straw in my hands, I grabbed a few more, taking the first steps to weave a small basket. I’d woven a few with larger, longer reeds, although I never tried it with hay. It was so dry and stiff it was impossible to control. I gave up early into the process and threw them down.
A knock on the door surprised both of us. Neither of us replied when the door opened slowly.
“Hey.” Marsh chuckled forcefully as he ducked through the door to get out of the rain.
“What’s so funny?” I asked.
“It’s a joke, get it? Hay? Because you’re in the hay.” He forced a smile, shaking his head in regret of a poorly delivered effort.
“Oh, I get it,” I replied lacklusterly, pulling my towel higher over my chest.
“Mother asked me to come get you two. She made breakfast, but I figured since you were wet, you might want to change into dry clothes first.” Marsh dropped the items on the bale next to me. “I can see how towels would be more comfortable.”
Calish got angry. “Marsh—”
“I’m sorry, man. I would have brought them last night except that…whatever.” He rolled his eyes. “Get dressed and come inside.”
“Una, you go. I’ll stay here.”
“If it’s Father you’re worried about, don’t. He left early this morning, said he was going fishing.” Marsh waited yet neither of us moved. “Come on, you two. Let Mother see you. She’s a mess too and, well, it is your fault. The least you can do is accept her invitation to eat some damn eggs. You owe her that much.”
His reasoning wasn’t encouraging or reassuring. If we were going to be responsible for Father’s anger toward her, it would be rude to refuse her. It would add insult to injury if she felt ignored by us as well. I couldn’t hold her opinions against her. She didn’t say anything I wouldn’t have in her position. At least she tried to spare me of them.
“When is the last time you ate?” I asked, pulling the tunic over my head.
“I’m not hungry.”
“Yes, you are.” I threw a shirt at him. “I heard your stomach gr
owling earlier.” I pulled up my pants as Calish stood to dress himself.
“I’ll wait on the porch.” Marsh stepped outside.
He fastened his trousers then hugged me. “Although I’d like to say I’m sorry for all of this, I can’t.” He kissed my eyes. “I still believe your mother’s message. Do you?”
I pressed my lips together, too exhausted to cry anymore. The truth was I didn’t know what I believed. The only thing I knew was I loved him; my only doubt was if that would be enough.
He touched his forehead to mine. “Don’t worry. I’ll believe enough for us both. I will carry this burden for the rest of my days if the gods require it, and I’ll do it every day fed by the love you’ve let me know.”
His kiss was sweet and full of promise, and for a moment, he convinced me of his truth. I gave him my hand and ran with him through the rain to meet our waiting brother. He could have run straight into the river, and I would have followed.
When we entered the house, my mother had already set out the breakfast servings. She stood a few steps away from the door, anticipating our arrival. She smiled, almost crying when she saw us. She clasped her hands together. “I hoped you’d come in. Thank you, Marsh,” she said, hugging me then Calish.
We took our normal seats and began to eat quietly.
After a few awkwardly quiet bites, my mother purposefully dropped her fork on her plate. “Might I remind you both that I already knew the truth about the pregnancy?” she blurted out. “And, Marsh, while you didn’t know everything, it shouldn’t be such a surprise to know Calish is the father of that child.”
“No, ma’am,” he said with his mouth full as if he was in trouble, too.
“So, can we have a normal breakfast since we all already knew about this?” She picked up her fork and continuously stabbed it into her eggs until no more fit on it. Her eyes widened, and she shoved the food in her mouth, waiting for one of us to reply.
Calish nodded. “You’re right, Mother.”
“You know, Cal, I would have let that bird go too, if I were you,” Marsh said before pushing an entire sausage link down his throat.
Season of Hytalia Page 9
