by Nora Phoenix
The thought filled him with guilt all over again because here he was, standing inches away from a super hot alpha, and his heart longed for another man. Maybe it was for the better that Palani wouldn’t be there. Maybe if he didn’t see him, at some point he’d stop missing him.
“Thank you,” he added for good measure, finally daring to meet Lidon’s eyes again. “I’ll start cooking now.”
Lidon’s eyes narrowed for a second before his face relaxed again. “Have breakfast with me first?”
He’d been stupidly ignorant in assuming that once he’d alpha claimed Vieno, the bond between Vieno and Palani would be broken. Lidon had figured that’d be the end of it, at least for Vieno. Palani would need some time to get over Vieno for sure, and Lidon would graciously allow him that, but he’d counted on Vieno’s feelings for Palani to disappear after the claim. After all, they were mates now, right?
He’d been so wrong.
It hadn’t been hard to read Vieno’s mind and see the longing in his eyes, on his face, for Palani. His omega hurt, and Lidon couldn't help him or make it better. Well, he could invite Palani over, but that would be catastrophically moronic. If anything, he needed to keep those two apart, not give them any more opportunity to spend time together.
The pain on Vieno’s face had been hard for Lidon to stomach, though. His first instinct was to take care of his omega, his mate, and he wanted nothing more than to take that pain away. But how could he when the short-term solution would bring more pain in the long run—for both of them?
And the fated mates thing made it even more complicated. If he and Vieno were fated mates—and Lidon had done a little research into it, and what he experienced sounded a hell of a lot like the old days—how could Vieno miss Palani so much? Lidon didn't understand, and that frustrated him to no end.
He watched from the breakfast counter in the kitchen as Vieno sliced chicken breast into small chunks for a pasta Alfredo he was making. Carb loading, he’d told Lidon with a shy smile. They’d both need the calories, that was for sure. It endeared him, this instinctual urge of Vieno’s to take care of him.
His house already looked different, even after a few days. Every day when he’d come home after shift, the lemon scent of cleaner had been strong. Vieno had attacked the kitchen first, then their bathroom and bedroom. It had been long overdue, but Vieno hadn’t complained once. On the contrary, he seemed to derive joy from bringing order into chaos. In that aspect, they matched well.
“Can I get you anything? More coffee? Or I could bake you some cookies if you like?”
Guilt. It manifested in many ways, and with Vieno, his urge to compensate by taking care of Lidon became even stronger, apparently. “I’m good, thank you.”
Vieno barely looked at him as he said, “Let me know when I can get you anything.”
His alpha grumbled inside him, sensing something was wrong with his mate. “Can you come here for a sec?” he asked.
Vieno washed his hands, then stood before him. The slight tic in his eye betrayed his nerves. Lidon’s heart went out to him, even despite his own frustrations. He pulled him in his arms for a hug, relieved when Vieno gave in after a slight hesitation and hugged him back. “Do you regret it, marrying me?” Lidon asked before he could think better of asking a question like that.
“No.” The answer came swift. “I’m so grateful you saved me.”
“But if that threat of marrying your ex hadn’t been hanging over your head, would you still have married me?”
Vieno was quiet for a long time. “I don’t know,” he said. “I want to say yes because it’s what you want to hear, but I don’t know.”
Lidon arms tightened around him. The answer didn’t hurt, strangely enough. It confirmed what he’d already known. “It’s okay,” he said, meaning it. “Brutal honesty, remember?”
Vieno exhaled, his body relaxing. “I wouldn’t have married you this quickly, that’s for certain.”
“What would you have needed to make that decision?”
“A few heats with you, to see how you’d respond.”
“Are you scared of how I’ll react? That I won’t be able to control myself?”
“No, not that.” It took a while before Vieno spoke again. “Of how you’ll look at me after.”
“But I—”
“You assured me up and down you like filthy,” Vieno interrupted him. “And I believe you. But knowing with my mind and believing your words enough to trust myself with you are two different things.”
Lidon wanted to ask him what he’d need to feel safe this heat, but he knew the answer: Palani. That’s what it came down to, didn’t it? What a mess they’d gotten themselves into.
He tucked Vieno closer against his chest, letting his hands wander over his arms, his back, his curves. How could he make sure his mate felt safe and happy while at the same time protecting their union? Palani had no self-preservation instinct, too little experience with alpha sensibilities to cater to him. Though maybe with Enar there it would be different? Especially now that those two had fucked. Maybe Enar’s alpha, subdued as it was compared to Lidon, would prevent Palani from being stupid and encroaching on Lidon’s territory?
Territory.
There was another word he’d better not use around Vieno. Something told him his little omega wouldn’t appreciate being labeled like property. Again. That was one thing he had to respect Palani for. He’d treated Vieno as his complete equal. Even with how dependent Vieno had been on him, he’d managed to make him a true partner. Lidon still had a lot of learning to do there.
“Would you be happier if Palani came over too?” he asked before he could talk himself out of it.
Vieno gasped against his chest. “Would you…would you allow that?”
Oy. That word allow made painfully clear how Vieno saw his position. Lidon deserved it, but it stung.
“Do you miss him, sweetheart?”
“I’m sorry… It’s not fair to you, and I wished it were different, but I miss him so much. He’s…for the last three years, he’s been my everything, and he’s been my safe place, you know? Without him, I'm lost. I’m so sorry, Lidon. I wish…I wish I could change how I feel, how I am.”
The abject misery in Vieno’s voice hit Lidon deep. He’d known Vieno and Palani were close, but he hadn’t grasped how much Vieno needed him until now. My safe place, Vieno had called him. It made total sense, now that Lidon was forced to see it it, but he’d never considered what the separation from Palani would do to Vieno’s mental state.
In this, too, he’d been woefully naïve and ignorant, like in assuming that whatever had kept Vieno inside for three years would be solved by their marriage. He wanted to knock himself over the head for not thinking this through, since it was clear that Vieno needed Palani for far more than just sex and practical shit. His safe place. That’s what Palani was. It should be Lidon, his alpha, his mate, but it wasn’t.
And none of it was Vieno’s fault. If anyone was to blame, it was Lidon for his rash decision to alpha claim him. Then again, if he hadn’t, they would’ve had a much bigger problem at the courthouse when Vieno’s parents had shown up. What a fucking mess.
“Don’t ever apologize for who you are, sweetheart,” he said, noting the emotion in his own voice. “I’ll ask Enar to bring Palani, okay?”
“I hate doing this to you. And to him. Hell, to Enar as well. I hate that you all have to make sacrifices for me. I’m not worth all that.”
“Palani doesn't see it as a sacrifice, I'm sure. I don’t.”
Vieno looked up at him from between his lashes, and he was so cute it made Lidon’s heart skip a beat. “You don’t?”
“I chose this, remember? You didn’t force me or coerce me. I married you willingly, and as a matter of fact, it was my idea to claim you.”
“I don’t understand why… I’m super grateful, but I still don’t understand why you agreed.”
“You can’t think of a reason?”
“Not a co
mpelling one, no. You’re an alpha cop, you’re hot as fuck, so if you wanted to get married, you’d have omegas lining up out the door. Why me?”
Lidon wanted to be a bit more comfortable when they continued this conversation, but he wasn’t ready to let go of Vieno yet. “Wanna join me on the couch while we talk?”
Vieno nodded, then followed him to the living room. As soon as Lidon sat down, Vieno snuggled close to him. It was contradicting, this physical closeness despite the legitimate questions he was asking.
“I need to be close to you,” he apologized.
“It’s okay. I feel the same way. I’m reluctant to even break touch.”
Relief painted Vieno’s face as he put his head against Lidon’s biceps. “Same here.”
“Is that normal for you during your heat?”
“No. The day before I’m usually way too restless to sit still. It drove Palani nuts.”
And here they were again, back to the topic they couldn’t seem to stay away from. Maybe Vieno deserved a bit more of an explanation, insofar as Lidon even understood it himself.
“You asked me why I did it, why I agreed to marry you. I wasn’t planning on it when Enar approached me. Hell, I was gonna say no when he asked me to help you through your heat the first time.”
“What changed your mind?”
“You did. You were in bad shape but still so gorgeous, so beautiful…and you were undressing Enar. My alpha didn’t like that. He wanted you for himself, and that’s why I agreed.”
“I can understand that, you know. What alpha would say no when an omega in heat presents himself and you get a fuck-for-free card?”
Lidon frowned. “You make it sound cheap.”
“Wasn’t it? It was simple biology, nothing else. Hormones and lots of ‘em, and once we fucked them out of our system, we went our separate ways.”
That last sentence made Lidon sit up and pay attention. “Had you expected me to stay in touch?” he asked. “Or maybe hoped I would?”
Vieno avoided his gaze. “It would’ve been nice,” he mumbled. “To know that I was more than a hole for you to use.”
“You were so much more than that, and you know it. We connected, even then.”
“Not enough for you to keep in contact. I wasn’t even sure if I could reach out to you again for my next heat.”
“Because you were Palani’s! I didn’t want to come between you two, since you were his.”
Vieno shot up straight to look at Lidon, his mouth open. “Is that true?”
“It was already hell for him to ask for help, then have to watch another man take what was his. I wasn’t gonna make it even harder on him, on both of you, by trying to build on the connection we had. I’m not the type that breaks up couples just because I can, as an alpha.”
“It had nothing to do with me?”
“Was that what you concluded?”
Vieno nodded. “I figured I’d turned you off with my behavior by being too…eager.”
“Oh, sweetheart, not at all. I was trying to respect your relationship. I liked you. Hell, I still do. You’re gorgeous and sweet, and I like that you have opinions and aren’t afraid to state them. Plus, the sex we had three months ago was seriously hot.”
“Is that why you married me, for the sex?” Vieno sighed. “No, of course it isn’t. Because you can get sex anywhere. Even seriously hot sex, as you called it.”
“Sweetheart, you don't understand. That sex…” Lidon stopped talking, horrified by what he was about to say. Did he want to open that can of worms?
“What?”
Yeah, he did. Because Vieno needed it, and he’d promised him the brutal truth. “It was the best sex I ever experienced,” he said quietly.
Vieno’s eyes grew big. “But…but you were engaged, and you almost proposed to your other boyfriend. How…?”
Lidon rubbed his eyes, then decided he needed Vieno even closer for this particular conversation. He lifted him up and dragged him onto his lap, letting out a content sigh when Vieno relaxed against his chest. “Matteo and I were super young when we met. We were sexually active, but I was his first, and we hadn’t figured out how to make it satisfying for us both. We never got that chance because he died. And Rodrick… I told you before he didn’t like experimenting or anything outside of the standard missionary stuff. In hindsight, I don't even understand why I considered marrying him. I guess because I figured it was time to start a family. I’m so glad it didn’t happen. It would have been a big mistake. There you have it, my sexual past. Nothing has been as good as the sex with you, Vieno. Nothing has even come close.”
Vieno nestled deeper against him. He put his hand on Lidon’s chest, reveling in his strong heartbeat under his hand. “I loved the sex with you,” he said softly. “You made me feel sated for the first time ever. When you knotted me that last time, it was… I can't even describe it. Almost magical sounds like a hyperbole, but it isn’t. I’ve never felt like that.”
“And you experience guilt toward Palani for feeling this way,” Lidon guessed.
Vieno studiously avoided his eyes. “It’s not his fault I need something he can’t give me.”
“It’s not your fault either, sweetheart.”
“You don’t know what I put him through,” Vieno’s voice was barely audible. “How I screamed at him, begged him to…do more. To fulfill me. And he couldn’t. Every heat we experienced together hurt us both a little more.”
Vieno’s voice broke at the last words, and so did Lidon’s heart. He hadn’t fully appreciated what Palani had endured all those years. What had that done to his self-esteem, he wondered?
“If his presence helps you in any way, he is welcome to be here when your heat starts,” he said.
Vieno sat up, meeting his eyes. “Are you sure?”
Lidon saw a sparkle he hadn’t seen in days. How could he say no if his mate needed this? “Absolutely.”
22
Ever since Palani had shared his information about that McCain family and how he suspected they all had the Melloni gene, Enar had wanted to dig into this deeper. But the eight days since had been crazy with the wedding and everything, and he’d struggled to even fit all his urgent patients in.
Because of that, he’d also not seen Palani since they had sex five days ago. He wasn’t sure what had meant more to him: the sex or the talking afterward. Palani had only listened, but it had meant the world to Enar. He’d felt so safe he’d fallen asleep in Palani’s arms at some point, and when he woke up, Palani had left again.
They’d texted back and forth, slightly flirtatious but never crossing into serious stuff. Palani’s phone call about Vieno had been short and to the point as well. Enar appreciated that the beta hadn’t pressured him to divulge what he’d discussed with Vieno. He wouldn’t have, but he respected Palani for understanding that boundary.
But today was Saturday, and he’d known Palani was off, and so he’d told him he’d pick him up at nine to go visit the only person who could tell them more about the gene: Ricardo Melloni. The geneticist who had lent his name to the gene had been easily persuaded to meet them once Enar shared a little of Palani’s discoveries with him. He’d indicated he’d found some new information of his own, so it seemed well worth the two-hour ride. Enar considered the fact that he got to spend a whole day with Palani a pleasant bonus.
When Enar pulled up at his apartment complex, Palani was waiting outside, and he got into Enar’s car.
“Hi,” he said, dropping his messenger bag on the backseat.
“Hi,” Enar replied, then mentally slapped himself for his asinine answer.
“Coffee?” Palani asked, holding out a thermos and a cup.
“God, yes. Thank you.”
He waited till Palani had poured them both a cup before driving off, studying him in the meantime. Fuck, he looked as crappy as Vieno had. Was he suffering under their separation as well?
“I figured you could use the caffeine,” Palani said.
“I
sure can, but how did you know I didn’t already grab some along the way?” He shot a quick glance sideways and caught Palani trying to hide a grin. “What?”
“Dude, you’re always running late. There was no way you would’ve had the time to stop for coffee. Plus, you tend to forget things like that.”
Enar let out an amused sigh. “You’re observant.”
“So are you, just in different areas.”
“True. For instance, I seem to notice you lost some weight, and you’re paler than I like. Are you having trouble sleeping?”
This time, the look on Palani’s face wasn’t so amused. “You’re not my doctor.”
“No, but I am your friend, who also happens to be a doctor. And I’m telling you that I don’t like how you look right now. What’s going on?”
Palani was quiet for a bit, but Enar could wait. For an alpha, he had an uncharacteristic amount of patience.
“I need to eat better. It’s harder when you’re on your own.”
There was a world of hurt in that simple statement, and Enar had no trouble recognizing it, not after Vieno’s heartbreaking admission. “You miss Vieno?” he asked softly.
Again, it took a while for Palani to answer, but when he did, his voice broke. “So damn much.”
“I can imagine,” Enar said.
“We’ve been together for so long, you know? And I’m happy for him that he’s safe and taken care of, and I like Lidon, and I think he’s doing an amazing job, but I miss Vieno. It’s like a part of me has been ripped off and it won’t heal. Like, it physically hurts…”
Enar frowned. What Palani described went way beyond what he’d expected to hear. “When you say it physically hurts, where do you feel that?”
“My heart. I always thought heartbreak was an emotional thing, but at night, when I’m in bed, there are these stabs in my heart because Vieno’s not close, and I feel those, like in actual pain. And I’m not hungry at all, because of this slight queasiness in my body. It’s all in my mind, but it’s fucked up.”
