“If you must know,” she spits out. “We lost a family member.” She wipes at her eyes with the back of her hand before adding. “And we’re burying him tomorrow.”
Like a slap in the face, her words hit me hard and fast. Her lack of details tells me she has no idea that I somewhat know Jay and his family. I want to offer condolences, but I'm still stuck at who it could be and how did they die.
“You must've been close,” I ask, digging for clues.
With her face down, chin to chest, her head bobs up and down. The sound of sniffling follows, and I watch this small, delicate woman crumble. Whatever it was holding her together, has become loose. Like shattered glass, every single piece of her breaks into smithereens.
A loud ‘shit’ leaves my mouth, as I catch her in my arms and hold on to her tightly. I don't notice Holly beside me until she's helping me walk Max back into our office.
We lay her down on the small two-seater couch in the corner, and Holly quickly leaves to get some water. Max’s eyes slowly flutter open, regaining consciousness as quickly as she lost it.
“Here,” Holly pants, returning with the goods. She passes me a wet washcloth and holds the bottle of water, and a packet of Gummi Bears in her hands while I dap the towel on Max’s clammy forehead.
Her eyes finally regain focus, and her gaze finds mine. “Geez, I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t you dare apologise.” I take the water off Holly and remove the cap before offering it to her. “Here, have a sip.”
“Do you need us to call someone?” Holly asks.
“No.” She waves her hand between us. “I’ll be fine. I’ll just sit here for a few more minutes and then get out of your hair.”
“Max, I really don’t think you should be driving.”
“I really have to go,” she insists.
“Can your husband or partner pick you up?”
Holly glares at me, unimpressed with the wording of my question.
She scrubs her face with her hands and lets out a loud sigh. Pulling her phone out of her pocket, she taps away at the screen, choosing to text instead of call. In seconds the phone rings, and she answers.
“Hey.” She picks at her clothes as she listens to whatever the person on the other line says. “Yeah, I just forgot to eat breakfast.”
She looks at me, and I take it as a cue to give her some privacy. I look at Holly, who tilts her head to the door. I stand, responding to her cue, and we both walk out, and into the staffroom. Careful not to say anything that Max can hear, we choose to shuffle around in silence, waiting for her to finish her phone call.
Holly points at the kettle, and I nod. A cup of coffee would work wonders right now. “I’m going to quickly check all the rooms, and see if they’re all doing okay without us,” I tell Holly, as I realise the time of the morning it is.
“Why don’t I go, and you can be here to talk to Max when she’s finished.”
She leaves, and I finish making our coffees. A soft knock on the door has me turning around to find a marginally better looking Max.
“How do you feel?” I ask.
“A little better.”
“Do you want a tea or coffee?”
“No, I just wanted to say thank you.” She points in the direction of the exit. “I’m going to go now.”
“Is someone picking you up?”
“Yeah, Jay will be here soon, but I’m just going to get out of your hair and wait in my car.”
“Don’t. You can wait here.” My insistence is just as selfish as it is altruistic. I don’t want her to feel alone when she’s so weak, but I want to see him again. I want to see what he’s like with her.
“You’re too nice.”
“Hardly, I feel almost responsible.”
“What? Don’t be ridiculous.” She lowers her head, almost like she’s ashamed to look at me. “I’m not in the best place right now, and I guess I’m not hiding it as well as I thought.”
I want to ask her who died, from what I know Jay only had his older brother and his father around. Is the family member his or hers?
Instead, I lead her back into the office and we sit in there. “If you guys need any extra care with Lily, while you go through this tough time, we would be happy to work something out. Some of the girls offer private babysitting for extra cash. I could give you their numbers.”
“Oh, no. That’s okay. Jay would have a coronary at the thought of anyone else taking care of Lily. He had a fit about her coming here.”
This doesn’t surprise me, her comment resonating with the man who rushed over here to make sure his daughter was okay. While it seems obvious that most parents would worry and make a fuss, you’d be surprised by how many people trust implicitly, insistent on avoiding interruptions on their child-free day.
“It’s just an idea,” I repeat. “No instant commitment needed.”
A woosh of air travels through to the room, followed by the slamming of the front door.
“That’ll be Jay,” Max informs me.
Shakily she stands, just as Holly and Jay walk in together. His eyes find mine first, and I curse the flutter in my stomach at being his priority. Looking a little bit better than Max, the dark circles under his eyes solidify that life is definitely kicking them both in the arse. He begrudgingly shifts his focus to Max and exhales at the sight of her. “You okay?”
She gives him a meek nod and then walks straight past him, into the foyer. Without a word, he follows her leaving Holly and I alone, and perplexed in the room. I make a quick dash out the door and call out to them. “Hey.”
Jay and Max turn, their faces painted with strikingly different expressions. She’s desperate for solace, and he’s exasperated but intrigued I’m seeking them out.
“I just wanted to say, I’m sorry for your loss.”
Max’s eyes fill back with tears, and Jay turns to stone. I’m not sure why my condolences have rubbed him the wrong way, but the hard, cold stare, sends shivers down my spine. Scary and seductive, the air crackles between us. The constant whiplash between old and new Jay induces the perfect manipulation of my body and my mind. With more questions than answers, I’ve got myself all twisted up in him. With no acknowledgement of my words, from either of them, I force myself to turn around and break the connection.
With each step back to my daily routine, I remind myself.
You don’t want this, Sasha.
You don’t want to know him.
You will not go back there.
Even if it kills you.
Wednesday night comes around, and thanks to Dakota’s previous outburst, I’m now a permanent fixture, sitting around Jagger’s dining table, with him and Emerson. I tried to think of any excuse to get out of tonight, but my presence seems to have opened the door to some fake conversation and a good old game of pretend. And what makes the whole night worse, is my mind is a million miles away.
Tonight, I’m too preoccupied with the image of Jay and Max dressed in all black, dropping off Lily at school. The sight stunned me into silence, their solemn mood impenetrable as they moved on auto-pilot. Oblivious to anything outside of their own thoughts and movements, they were nothing but two dark shadows walking through the hallway.
Different from the other few times I’d seen him, he was draped in a suffocating amount of sadness, that was impossible for anyone around them to ignore. Consumed by it, he was in a world of his own; Max and Lily the only other two people in it.
I haven’t been able to rid myself of this unexplainable sense of dread and melancholy that’s followed me around all day. I’m known to be a little more empathetic than your average person, but I’ve never felt this overwhelmed by something that has absolutely nothing to do with me.
I convince myself I’m just sorry for his loss, regardless of the animosity I have toward him nobody deserves to feel the pain of grief. He and his family are no exception.
Claire mentioned that just because you dislike someone doesn’t mean you can’t still feel somet
hing toward their circumstances. I didn’t think I agreed with her, but the feeling that gnaws at my chest whenever I think of him, says otherwise.
I focus back on the conversation at hand and realise it still hasn’t moved on from Dakota’s school schedule. Thankfully, I’m well versed in all things Dakota, so it’s easy to jump in at any time.
Moving the food around my plate, I slide the leftovers to the edges so it looks like I’ve eaten more than I have, and listen to Dakota explain how the school year now works versus when we were at school.
“Are you okay?” Jagger asks me, stopping Dakota mid-story.
“What?” I look up to three pairs of eyes staring at me intently.
Shifting on my chair, I straighten my back and give them all a tight smile. “Sorry. Busy day.”
They give each other a knowing look like they’ve discussed my recent discomfort behind my back.
I don’t want my attitude around them to be misconstrued for disdain or dislike, because it’s not. I’m just seeking space. But as I look at their disappointed features, I’m aware my mask hasn’t quite fooled anyone.
“I was listening,” I say, trying to placate the mood.
“Baby girl, can you please help Emerson clean up the table.” Jagger’s words mean business, and I’m interested to hear what he has to say. It’s not like him to make a big deal out of anything. Especially not like this.
Jagger and I have had a rocky relationship. His incarceration is something I struggled with for a very long time. Not only because I lost my best friend, but because the father of my child put us in such a dangerous position. He became someone I didn’t know, made choices that I didn’t recognise, and changed our future in ways I never saw coming.
What led to him getting into trouble played out like a movie. Like a story you heard on the news. Something that happened in someone else’s life, but never in a million years do you think it would happen in yours.
There was no way I was ever going to forgive him. I was sure of it. For the physical and emotional hurt Dakota endured, I didn’t care that he had to sacrifice his life and live behind bars. No punishment was ever going to be enough. As far as I was concerned he deserved it. It took twelve years of no communication to solidify that I was completely content for a life without him. Only to have my thoughts shut down as soon as Dakota heard he was coming out.
She wanted to be doted on by the man she’d been waiting her whole life for, and I wasn’t the one who was going to break her heart.
In a different world, I would’ve moved somewhere, and given ourselves a clean slate. A life without ever mentioning Jagger. But he had family. A devoted brother who was a one-man show, with no plan to ever give up on a life knowing his niece.
Her relationship with Hendrix is something neither I or Jagger could ever replace. He somehow managed to paint her father in a glowing light, regardless of the circumstances, while being the man she needed while growing up. He is the reason Dakota welcomed her father with open eyes after living the majority of her life without him.
I compromised, for Hendrix, and Dakota. And because of that, I sit here with Jagger, like the past never happened. Eating, talking, and being the best non-typical parents we know how to be.
“What’s going on with you?” he asks.
I raise my eyebrow at him, unimpressed by his interrogation.
“You’ve been off,” he points out. “Even Dakota is worried.”
Intentionally using her as bait is a no go, I shake my head at him in disappointment. “Don’t try and make me feel guilty.”
He has the audacity to look unimpressed by my accusation. “That’s not what I’m doing, we’re just worried. And you’ve been avoiding me.”
“You’re not that stupid, Jagger, you know why I haven’t been around.”
“Because of Drix?” He puts his hands up in question. “You know he doesn’t live here, right?”
I roll my eyes at his lame attempt at humour, before sobering up to tell him the truth. “If you must know, I don’t want the pity.”
“What pity?” He looks at me with genuine confusion, making me feel self-conscious. Like it’s all in my own head.
“I don’t want to be the one everyone walks on eggshells around, because I managed to fuck up a few more lives, as well as mine in the last few months.” I clear my throat. “And I don’t want Emerson to pretend to have to play nice.”
“Emerson? What? Hold up. Where the hell is this coming from?”
“I just need to find myself.” I swallow, biding time as I struggle to think of the best way to tell him the awkward and painful truth. “Away from you, and away from Drix… Is that okay?”
He runs his hand through his hair, followed by a disbelieving head shake. “We’re family.” His voice is a mixture of hurt, understanding, and guilt, and I want to retract it all. Honesty always comes at a price and sometimes I wonder if it’s worth upsetting someone else when I‘m already used to this dull ache of disappointment inside my chest.
Since the words have already been given life, I continue. “In a wonderful twisted way, we are a family, but in reality, you are my daughter’s father and he is your brother, and her uncle. We’re in such a different place now than we were all those years ago. The connection is all damaged and frayed, and I need to leave things in the past. I need to move toward my future.” He listens to me pensively. “Dakota is getting older, and she needs me less, I don’t need to be the middleman between you guys anymore. And I’ve been trying to hide that complicated, and messy part of me for as long as I can. I don’t want her to find out now. I don’t want to be dragged back there, I want to try and let it go.”
“You could just tell her.”
“What?” I scoff. “That her mum used sex to hurt the one guy she loved, and then ripped his heart into shreds repeatedly.”
“There are two sides to every story, Sash.”
“I’m sure Hendrix’s will match mine. Actually I’m sure his version of things are even worse.” I lean forward, determined to get my point across. Wanting him to really understand how important keeping things from Dakota is to me. “And then what will she think of you, when she finds out what you did to Hendrix?”
It’s a low blow, and we both know it. His jaw clenches at the reminder, but he doesn’t give in to my notion of thinking. “I’ll tell her it was a mistake. We were young.”
“No,” I whisper-shout. “I don’t want to teach her mistakes when you’re young don’t matter.” I wave my hand in the direction of her bedroom. “Because obviously they do. I don’t want to give her the go-ahead to be reckless.”
“She’s not that type of kid.”
“Maybe not, but I’m not taking any risks.”
He mirrors my pose and takes my hands in his. “You’re an amazing mother, Sash. She’s never going to think the worst of you.”
My voice cracks. “You don’t know that.”
“Yes, I do.” He squeezes my fingers in reassurance. “If she can forgive me, she will always forgive you.”
He has a point, but the fear is just too great. I don’t think I could handle even the slightest rift between Dakota and I. To me, the risk is not worth it.
“I just feel like a teenager all over again, trying to find my feet,” I admit. “I’m trying to juggle age-old insecurities with adult responsibilities.”
“So the thing with Hendrix brought this on?”
I think back on how much Jay’s presence has dredged up, the things Holly pointed out, and the surprise agreement about this theory from Claire. I think about everybody else being happy and me being a spectator, and I nod. “Something like that.”
8
Sasha
Feeling lighter than I anticipated after my conversation with Jagger, I decide I owe Emerson an explanation too. I can still maintain my space without being a total bitch. After all, honesty is the best policy.
I glance up at Jagger, who sits on a couch opposite to me. Tilting my head towards Dakota,
I hint that I want to be alone with Emerson.
“Baby girl, want to grab a deck of cards from your room, and play speed?”
She jumps up and walks to her room backwards. “I can’t wait to win for the sixth week in a row.”
“I think this is my time,” he calls out to her.
“You’re dreaming,” she sing-songs from her bedroom.
Jagger offers me a wink, and I take it as my cue. I lick my lips. “Emerson, can we talk on the front porch?”
She looks between Jagger and I. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah,” I blurt out unconvincingly. I point to the door. “I think I can explain outside.”
No questions asked, she follows me outside, until we’re both sitting in each of the wicker chairs that grace the patio.
I rub my clammy hands up and down my thighs. “So, I’m just going to spit it out all at once okay?”
“Mhmm,” she hums.
“I know I’ve been rude, and difficult to be around lately. And for that, I need to apologise.”
She doesn’t respond like I anticipate, instead, the background noises of cars driving on the main roads becomes our soundtrack. Feeling uncomfortable, I ramble. “I assumed your loyalty to Taylah meant that things would be awkward between us, and of course you would be loyal to her. I’m not mad or upset about that. I just…” I take a deep breath as my voice trails off into silence. “Truth is, I probably made it all up in my head, but either way, I thought you should know.”
She’s still quiet. “Are you going to say something?”
“I’m just processing all you said,” she answers indifferently. “I’m also trying to stop myself from calling you out for thinking all that.” Her voice rises. “I can’t believe you thought I wouldn’t understand how upset you’d be after what went down.” Leaning on her elbows, she cradles her face and looks off into the night. “I accept your apology. Even if it’s unnecessary, but I’m still mad at you.”
Rectify (A Redemption Novel Book 3) Page 8
