by Janie Marie
Logan sighed and turned back to Janie. “Do you think you’re going to throw up?”
“No, not yet. He was telling me a story to distract me. Like Ryder does.”
A strange warmth filled Logan’s chest. He used to distract her from the urge to puke by telling her their story. Or by making love to her. “It’s been a long time since I’ve told you stories.”
“I’ve missed hearing them.” She patted the spot next to her. “Luc’s leaving. Are you staying until Ryder gets back? I thought y’all were together.”
“He dropped me off at my apartment so he could go meet Arthur.” Logan watched Luc lean down and whisper in her ear. “I brought my bike.”
“Are you armed?” Luc asked him.
Logan nodded, pulling out his berretta to set on the table.
Luc eyed it before scanning Logan. “Tomorrow, you will get a proper holster and armor to wear at all times.”
Janie stayed quiet as Luc caressed her cheek.
“Dad has my stuff,” he said, ignoring Janie’s worried look. “I’ll start wearing it.”
Luc nodded before leaning down to kiss Janie’s cheek. “Make sure you rest. I’ll see you again.”
“Okay.” Her eyes locked onto Luc’s and her chest heaved. “Thank you, Luc.”
“Of course, my queen.” Luc straightened and left without glancing back.
Janie looked lost for a moment, but she reached for a washcloth and put it over her head. “I feel like shit. I hate having to stay strong around him.” She pouted her lips. “Will you rub my neck like you used to?”
“Sure,” he said, moving to sit on the bed beside her. He moved her hair as she rolled onto her side to face away from him.
“Ow.” She reached for her stomach.
“Easy.” He grabbed her hip, helping her as she trembled in pain. “You okay?”
“No.” She chuckled, wincing. “I’ll be okay.”
He sighed, watching her slowly relax. Sweat dotted her forehead, but he wiped it away and put her cloth in place. “You sure me rubbing won’t hurt?”
“It’s better than my head hurting.” She took a deep breath as he began massaging.
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You won’t.” She closed her eyes.
He thought she’d fallen asleep until she opened her eyes, whispering, “I ran into Kylie in the elevator.”
Logan froze as his gaze fell to the bruises on Janie’s arms and neck. “What happened?”
Janie’s eyes stayed fixed out the window. “I gave her a reason to hate me.”
“What do you mean?”
“Do you really think I’d let her say that about our baby? I’m done being nice to her.”
He watched the gold swirl in her eyes, conflicted about which girl to protect. It gutted him to hear Kylie say that shit, but he knew Ryder had backed her into a corner, and she’d expected him to help her escape.
“I know you think you turned on her, Logan,” Janie whispered, “but if you had shown her you were okay with her allowing and lying about such things, she might’ve justified her actions. You went to show her you were going to support her.”
“Yeah, then I walked out the moment she talked bad about you.” He sighed, his eyes still glued to hers. They didn’t look normal anymore, but she blinked, and the glow faded. It was just light, he told himself. “I don’t know what to think about her anymore. I watched the recording of Maura. Oliver was molesting her from the beginning, and Kylie let him. Her jealousy—I thought it was just because she hadn’t been allowed to have any attention, and I tried to understand—I was willing to let you go. But that’s just who she is. I mean, fuck, I should’ve realized she’d have had time to know better because her abuse should’ve only started four years ago. There were so many warning signs.”
She pulled his hand to her lips. “Well, I might be done trying to be nice to her, but she needs you. I get you needing time so you don’t say something you’ll regret, but don’t walk away completely.”
Logan tensed up. “I can’t help her.”
“Yes, you can,” she said calmly. “And if you think breaking up is for the best, talk to her in person. Don’t hide.”
Logan squeezed his eyes shut and kissed her head. Kylie had walked away and lied. More than once.
“Logan,” Janie said, kissing his shaking hand, “she was a little girl. He was her dad.”
“So?”
She took a shuddering breath. “You know all about bad dads and their little girls. I may have my own reasons for not liking Kylie, but I empathize with her on this.”
“Stop.” He lifted his head to stare down at her. “Your dad didn’t molest or rape little girls. And you were a baby when things happened with you. She was old enough to know right from wrong, and she was already bullying Maura.”
“I’m just saying my dad was bad, yet I prefer to imagine him as my knight in shining armor. I see him in my dreams, and I only see the man who called me his princess and pushed me on the swing. I only see the man who told me he loved me and told me my story before he kissed me good night. I don’t like to remember the man I saw hit and throw my mom into a wall, her screams before Lance came and saved her.”
Logan squeezed her gently and kissed her head again. “How do you hold these memories inside you? Please forget them.”
“I would forget my mom’s strength and love if I did that. I would forget monsters wear smiles too—that they can be the ones closest to us.”
The image of his father handing him Janie on multiple occasions and telling him and his brother to keep her safe before he stormed out of their house to go beat the shit out of Janie’s dad flashed in his mind. His mom always told Lance not to get involved—that it was private—and every time his father would shake his head at her. That’s why he left Janie with him. Lance knew his mom was a coward. Bury it all away. That was how his mother dealt with everything. That’s how he’d been dealing with things. And that’s how Kylie was dealing with her past.
“Do you understand what I’m telling you?” she asked.
“It’s not the same. She was already hurting Maura, and she knew it was wrong. She’d seen her calling for help.” He couldn’t stop himself from raising his voice. “She’d seen his dick between her legs. But she acts like she doesn’t know what she saw. It was more than once.”
Her tears slid down to where she still held his fingers against her lips.
“Please don’t cry.” He pressed a kiss to her hair. “This is why I don’t want you to worry about this. Concentrate on getting better. Let us handle Kylie.”
“I’m just sad for all of them.” She blew out a heavy breath. “Kylie did wrong, okay? But she’s trying now.”
“No, she’s not!” He squeezed his eyes shut as Kylie’s angry glare popped into his mind. He’d seen it so many times directed at Janie, and he’d ignored it. “She’s not giving a statement. I know it’s because I refuse to turn my back on you. I get me lying about us is hard for her to cope with—but being glad our baby died? Trying to get you locked away because we had sex before I ever knew her? What kind of person is she? Fuck, Janie, every chance she gets, she tries to destroy you.”
“I think she’s very confused and afraid. I think part of her chooses darkness, too. It never changed.” She sighed, caressing his hand. “But I’m sure something about her was real.”
Logan tried to stay calm, but he was angry, and he could tell she was too. She had looked so betrayed when Kylie screamed they would’ve been bad parents. “What does this make me, baby doll? To be a man who does the shit I do and who picks her?”
“You didn’t know what kind of girl she was,” she murmured. “You’re still my Logan.”
“Really?” He needed her to see him as the guy she looked up to.
“Yes, really.” She nuzzled his hand. “I’d hide from you if I didn’t see you.”
This was what he needed, because he was losing his mind. If he concentrated on her rather than
Kylie, he’d be okay until he could get his shit together. Still, he couldn’t help but be infuriated with Kylie to the point he had to vent to someone, and Janie was all he had. “She wasn’t going to tell anyone. She was going to pretend to be something she was the opposite of. If Maura hadn’t told Ryder, I would probably still be with her as she played the innocent victim. I’m trying to figure out her motives in coming here. I had told her I’d chosen her, but she said I should come see you. I thought she was coming around.”
“Maybe she’s conflicted.” She wiped her face, wincing.
Logan thought about what his brother had called Kylie: “She’s the Daughter of Darkness, brother. She’s pure evil.”
“Breathe, Logan,” she whispered, kissing his hand.
He did as she said, resting his chin on her head as he stared at the moon outside. He knew she was watching it too. Almost all dark. “What am I going to do? I can’t stay with her, but I don’t think I can break her heart. I mean, she’s evil if she really did this, and I believe she did.”
“Sick, not evil.”
Logan couldn’t process it; his anger and confusion were too great. “But you could tell from that video just how traumatized Maura was. I wish I’d seen the signs. Kylie never wanted justice—she wanted to leave. I couldn’t understand why she was so angry about the shit with my past. The first day we met, she was jealous and angry. I should’ve realized her reactions were off. Especially for an abused girl. I just couldn’t figure her out, but I wanted her to be sweet and innocent. I wanted to save her. Then you helped her. Right away she was on my case. Yes, I lied, but she said we were just pretending to be together.”
“She liked you,” Janie pointed out.
“I know, but her reactions were over the top. I kept thinking it was just the neglect and abuse that made it hard for her to see me give you attention. And, of course, me lying about not having a girlfriend, but still. She hated you for no reason. I guess that’s normal, but I’m just remembering everything she’s said. I can take everything two ways now, and I fucking fear it was all the wrong way.”
Janie sighed, though he could tell she was probably thinking the same.
“When I told her about Arthur and my mom—she basically implied you were too young to know what you were seeing, that you broke my parents’ marriage.”
Janie tensed, but he kissed her head quickly, rushing, “I believe you, baby doll. I’m just saying that’s an example. She always meant something darker. I just assumed right away she was an innocent victim. Like judging a book by its cover kinda thing. I looked at the outside, saw a victim—a red riding hood—and I didn’t look deeper.
“I lied, too. I think that’s what really pisses me off. I fucking did this to myself. I painted a different picture of myself so I’d have an escape with someone who didn’t know the truth of what an asshole I was. But it’s hard to see a girl so much like you being the victim of her actions. I was going to walk away from you.”
He couldn’t believe he’d almost given her up for Kylie. Just to pretend he was a good guy. “I don’t know what to think about myself, and I can’t keep going with the thought that I’m with her. That I was so fucking stupid to fall for her lies—to spread my own lies and not think for one second a better liar was staring me in the face.”
“Shh . . .” Janie wiped away her tears. He didn’t know if she was that emotional, or if her wounds were bothering her. “You can’t beat yourself up. It happened. You got with her, you lied, and you were fooled. But I don’t think she knows all she’s really done. It’s weird. When I look into her eyes, I can see she believes it really is about her and no one else matters, that everyone else is the villain out to take what she deserves.
“I see a girl who needs to be a victim, and that doesn’t make sense. It’s like she really repressed her memories. Like she’s always dissociating. I mean, even I prefer to remember my father’s love, not the monster he turned into. But Kylie just made it so she and her dad were good and true. Victims. They’re all wrong and all victims.”
“How do you do it—relive your memories every day?” He loved and hated this about her. She was the complete opposite of Kylie. She lived in her pain, remembered everything. Accepted it. And Kylie used pain to hide the dirty truth, to forget her wrongdoings. Fuck, she was like him. He just couldn’t help but see Kylie as something worse, because if he ever saw Trevor do more to Janie, he would’ve killed him. It had only been the one time, then her freezing up every time she saw him. He wouldn’t have walked away like Kylie did.
His heart raced as he remembered Kylie blurting out Janie wasn’t still being raped. Yet, she was someone who allowed her own sister to get raped repeatedly.
Janie shrugged, answering his question and saving him from his thoughts. “I guess I try to see the happy memories waiting on the other side. I can only see them if I survive my darkest days. It’s not easy, and I can’t handle it all the time.” She smiled. “Ryder helps on the bad days. But if I didn’t have him, I see the appeal of escaping the way she has. I can’t forget, but I envy her for being able to. I’ve wondered what life would be like without everything bad, then I realize I’d be someone none of you recognize. My soul is doomed.”
“No, you’re just the way you’re meant to be,” he murmured. “What do you think about her, baby doll?”
She released a deep breath. “I don’t want to say, but I will because you’ll think of something.”
He smiled but stayed quiet.
“I hate her.” She hesitated as his heart raced, panicked and afraid. “I hate her, and that makes me hate myself. I forgive her for all she’s done to me in the time I’ve known her, and for what I know about her soul. I want the best for her, but I still can’t deny that I hate her. I’m sorry.” She gave him a pitiful smile. “I can go on from this moment and not say another nasty thing about her in your presence, but my heart is just as vulnerable as yours, as hers. And I hurt from all she’s done to not just me, but to Maura, to Lorelei. What it does to my soul to see that yet again, she’s hurt them . . .”
It was hard to tell what she was getting at toward the end, but he wasn’t a fool. Janie knew something about Kylie’s soul, and no matter what world, what life they lived, inflicting horror on the same soul was almost unforgivable. He decided not to stress her, because she really hated herself for hating. “Sometimes I wish you wouldn’t be so nice. Get angry.”
“Oh, I’m angry with Kylie.” Her instant harsh tone hit him like a slap to the face. “I’m angry with you, too. You’re going to make up for jacking off while staring at me. I seriously hope you didn’t tell her that.”
He froze.
She continued in a low, dangerous tone, “It was bad enough you got hard for those photos. It was bad enough you didn’t think about Kylie’s feelings or mine just because you hadn’t had sex in a few days, but don’t you ever jack off looking at me, or while thinking about me again. Ever!”
“I’m sorry.” He leaned away, but she held his hand.
Her grip tightened. “Say it. Get it out of your system and stop running.”
Logan swallowed, his heart squeezing. “I love you.”
She tilted her head, her eyes glowing. This time he was sure of it. “Say it, Logan.”
His gaze shifted to her lips, and he squeezed his eyes shut as he whispered, “I’m still in love with you.”
Her hand on his face was warmer than he expected from the way she was talking to him. “Look at me.”
He shook his head. “I can’t see you tell me you’re not in love with me.”
She softly caressed his cheek. “Look at me.”
Logan finally obeyed, ready for her wrath. Instead, he saw his sweet baby doll smiling.
“It’s taken you all this time to admit this to yourself.” Her eyes watered, shimmering like a million stars in the night sky. “I’ll always be in love with how much we loved each other. I won’t let anyone take it from me. All those years we secretly loved each other and
the incredible year we had together before we fell apart, that will always be ours. I cherish every laugh, every smile, every kiss—every time you made love to me. You’re sexy as fuck, honey, and I’ll never think differently. You were my first everything.” She smiled sadly. “But you’re not my last.”
He nodded, his heart breaking all over again. Only this time, she was there.
She hugged him, whispering, “I’m not your last either, Logan. You’ll realize our love hasn’t died. It’s just changing. And it will keep changing as we watch each other find happiness. I see you smile when Ryder does something extra sweet for me. You hurt, but you’re happy I have him. That’s so important to me. I only hope to look at you with your arm around a woman—maybe Kylie—and know you’re being loved unconditionally. I live to see you fully happy.”
“I don’t think my happiness is possible.” He didn’t deserve to be happy. “Maybe this really is punishment.”
“No, this is redemption.” She moved, pointing to her neck. “Rub.”
Obeying, he massaged her again. “I don’t know what to do. My choices only hurt you or her. Now I don’t even think I care if she’s hurt.”
“Yes, you do.”
“She hates you.” That truth ate him up. How had he been willing to let her go for Kylie?
“I know she does,” she murmured. “I suppose I’d hate me if I were in her shoes. After all, I took you away from her.”
“How?” He frowned but continued massaging her.
She turned enough to look up at him. The moonlight made her pale skin glow, almost hiding the wounds on her face. “She had you all to herself when she’d been alone for so long, just like she had had her father to herself after her mom died. Then he died, and she was isolated, abused—then you came. You gave her all she wanted—all she believed she should have. It was her dream. Then I came and took away your attention, just like Maura had taken her dad’s.”
Her eyes watered as his mouth fell open. “That’s all it was. You gave her attention for the first time in years, but you smiled at me. I was real when she knew things with you were all pretend. All she’s experienced is losing what she wants. She wanted two men to tell her she was their entire world. She’s never looked beyond her own bubble to see that’s not how the world really works. So it was too hard to accept when she didn’t get the attention she wanted. But underneath it all, she’s still a girl with a heart she wants someone to love.”
