But as I thought about growing old and gray, my mind drifted back to the empty chair at the Table of the Missing Man. My parents’ faces. The faces of our children when I had to tell them Daddy wouldn’t be coming home.
“I’m not ready,” I whispered.
“What?”
“I said…I said I’m not ready.”
He ran a hand down the front of his face and took a step back. “Jessie…”
“And that’s another thing. I don’t understand the hurry! We only met two months ago. Why can’t we just take this slow and—”
“The hurry is that I’m deploying in a week.”
I fell back a step. “Derrick…”
“There was an emergency vacancy, and I’m needed to fill in.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I felt like I was grasping at the ocean, trying to hold it back with my hands.
“I only found out last week. I was hoping to get through tonight before having to break the news to you.” He swallowed and looked down. “We could be an amazing team. And after last week, I thought you thought that, too.”
I did. I really did.
“Why not for once in your life take a chance?” He took a step closer, then one more. The way his eyes seemed to reach my soul nearly undid me. “Please, just—”
“I’m sorry, Derrick.” Tears rolled down my cheeks, but this time, I didn’t bother to wipe them away. “I just can’t.”
35
Mistakes
Jessie
The drive home was the most miserable I’d ever endured, even worse than the time I’d purposefully broken curfew with one of my friends on a dare when I was fourteen, and my dad had come to fetch me. Derrick looked more like a military statue than ever, his jaw hard and resolute. And it broke something inside me to know that it was me he was angry with.
We didn’t speak a single word until he pulled up in front of my house. Even after he put the car into park, we sat there for several minutes in complete silence. He didn’t even turn the music on.
This was why I didn’t go out with airmen.
“Derrick, can’t we—”
“You know why you’ll never be like those characters in your books, Jessie?”
I winced when he said my name like that.
“Because,” he continued, his eyes cold and hard as they turned to meet mine, “you’re too much of a coward to step into the unknown. Because for once in your life, you might not be in control. And one of these days, you’ll come to the realization that no matter where you are and who you’re with, you don’t control a freaking thing.”
I grabbed my handbag and threw his door open, glad when it slammed shut harder than necessary. Then without looking back, I unlocked the front door, fumbling the key several times before turning the handle and falling inside and sliding down against it.
My perfect fairy tale had turned into a horror story.
“Jessie?”
My mom poked her head into my room as I ran to my desk and yanked on the handle so hard the drawer fell out. I snatched a pen from my pencil cup, knocking that over, too. But just as I began to scratch away at the first piece of stationery I could find, her cool hands gently pried the pen from my grasp and pulled my hands over to her lap. I didn’t even bother to get up off the floor, but let my head fall into her lap and wailed like one of my six-year-old students. She stroked my hair as I drenched her bathrobe.
How had this happened? Tonight was supposed to be a fairy tale. My knight had shown up in dress blues, and he’d ridden away with me on his fiery red horse. Then he’d done the most idiotic thing on the face of the planet. Then he’d stabbed me in a way not even my best friend knew how to do.
“What happened?” she asked when I’d finally quieted enough to hear myself think again.
“He asked me to marry him,” I whispered.
She blinked at me. “And that’s a bad thing?”
“Right before telling me he’s deploying.” I swiped at the tears that seemed determined to stick to my face.
“Well.” My mother sighed. “This sounds like a long story. And pajamas make everything better.”
There was sense to this suggestion, and my feet were killing me in the heels, so I changed while my mother went out to the kitchen to make me some chai tea. Ten minutes later, we were on the bed again, her sitting on the foot with me curled up at the top, clutching my tea mug like a lifeline. And I told her everything. Well, except his parting words. They hurt too much to repeat.
“Jess.” My mom fingered the rim of her cup. “I know this was probably…sudden for you.”
“Probably?”
She chuckled. “What I’m getting at, though, is that you seemed happy with him. I’ve never seen you so excited to go out and try new things. No one’s ever been able to pull you away from your studies long enough to get you to stop and smell the clover.”
I stared into the depths of my mug. Not her, too.
“And I just can’t help wondering…why are you so determined to stay here? To stay alone?”
“Do you want me to leave?”
“Don’t even go there, Jessie. You know we don’t. But don’t tell me you’re staying here just for your degree. You can get one of those anywhere. You used to talk about seeing the world or even just other parts of our own country. You’ve never been to Nashville, and we live five hours away.” She reached out and tugged gently on my pajama leg. “What happened to that girl who wanted to see and do it all?”
“That was before my mom got cancer,” I whispered into my tea.
“Jessie Nickleby!”
I looked up, surprised by the sudden anger in her voice.
“Now you listen to me because I’m only going to say this once. Don’t you dare waste your life because you’re afraid I’ll lose mine.”
“But—”
“I did not give birth to you so you could sit around and spend your life worrying about me. You have a good man who makes you happy and loves the Lord and genuinely cares for you. I’ve seen it in his eyes, all those weeks at church. When you’re around, he can barely take his eyes off you.”
“Bet he’s not doing that now,” I muttered.
“And why not?”
I took a deep breath and told her the last thing he’d told me.
“Stupid boy.” My mother closed her eyes and inhaled deeply through her nose. “I don’t know if I’ve ever met two people more suited to each other and so inept at showing it.” She rubbed her face and huffed as I swallowed and tried not to show how much that smarted.
“Look,” she said, taking my hand. “I know he moved fast. Even for…normal people, two months is fast. But people say stupid things when they’re hurting. Why don’t you talk to him? Ask him to slow things down. Use this deployment to get to know each other—”
“No.”
“Excuse me?”
I shook my head. “I’m not going to go begging.” I stood and went to my desk to begin picking up my mess. As I did, the table of the missing man flashed across my mind. I would not be an orphan and the woman whose man went missing as well. “There’s a reason I don’t date airmen.”
“Are your plans really so important that you’re going to put them ahead of love?”
I froze. “I nearly lost you,” I said slowly. “And I couldn’t take it if I lost him, too.”
My mom looked as though she wanted to argue more, but after a long moment just shook her head and went to the door.
“I think you’re making a big mistake,” she said before stepping out.
Maybe. But as much as I loved Derrick now, I was saving myself from making an even bigger one. If I stopped right here and didn’t fall any harder, the knife of loss couldn’t be buried any deeper into my heart than it already was.
36
All I Need
Derrick
I stared blankly at the checklist for the millionth time that weekend. We were leaving a day earlier than had been planned, but that wasn’t really a shock
. It was a rare thing for deployments to go exactly as planned. It had been six days since the disastrous proposal, and I was more than ready to be gone.
She’d been like a dream. Or rather, like a fairy tale princess. And for one shining moment, I’d been her Prince Charming. But the moment that stupid ring had fallen from my pocket, the look on her face had told me all I needed to know.
Still, I pleaded my case. Begged her. Prayed as I groveled that she would say yes. But fear had won out. And if her mind hadn’t been made up by the time I dropped her off, the cruel words I’d left her with would have done the trick.
It was my own fault, really. I knew better than to assume she would say yes. Good gosh, I’d barely gotten her to go out on one date, and even that was under the guise of a day out with Jade, based on a bet. What had possessed me to think she would be ready for me to waltz in and steal her away?
I rubbed my face and looked back down at the half-packed bag open on the bed in front of me. I knew exactly what had possessed me to think that. It had been the way her eyes had lit up while we’d danced in front of Teacher-What’s-His-Face back at the bistro. And the way she’d nearly burst into tears when we pulled into the event arena parking lot. Or the way her breath had hitched up on the bridge when I kissed her temple.
The way she leaned into me during our dance at the ball, when for one beautiful second, everything had been right.
My reverie was broken by the sound of a tap-tap-tapping on glass. I went to the window and looked out, but nothing was there. Not that I could have seen it well anyway. It was eleven p.m., and the wind was blowing branches against my window. I went back to packing.
Well, what had she expected anyway? She knew I was the kind of guy to play for keeps. Everything had been right. It really had. She loved Jade nearly as much as I did, and I knew there wouldn’t have been any surprises one day if Jade needed to come live with us. She would have been a great mother. And from our chats, I knew she wanted at least three, whereas Amy hadn’t been sure she wanted more than even one. Everything had been perfect, but she was just too scared to see it. Refused to see it.
Anger heated my limbs as I opened the fridge door just to slam it shut again. It didn’t make sense. I’d been with Amy a lot longer, and our breakup hadn’t affected me like this. I hadn’t felt increasing volumes of anger, frustration, and if I was honest, searing, hot pain, cycling through me on repeat. Really, we known each other for less than two months. I should probably be thanking her for saving me from a lifetime of regret for marrying someone I barely even knew.
The tapping started again. This time, I threw open the sliding glass door and scowled down at my little sister. “Jade! You are absolutely never to be out here alone. You know that.” I glanced at the pool, sending up a thousand prayers that she hadn’t decided to take herself swimming. There was a gate around the pool, of course, but that didn’t really make me feel a whole lot better. “It is two o’clock on a Thursday morning. What on earth are you doing up?
She just shrugged and walked past me into the casita.
“Nickleby gone,” she said, climbing onto my bed and turning on the TV. “I’m bored.” Apparently, she didn’t care what time of night it was.
I stared at her for a moment before shaking my head and following her. I grabbed her up and plopped her in my lap as the melodious sounds of a talking sponge filled my little apartment.
She pointed at my uniform, which I’d hung on a bookshelf the night of the ball, barely coherent enough not to rumple it. “Nickleby’s dress pretty?”
I worked to keep my voice even. Of course Jade would be interested. She loved rocks and sugar, but her third love in this world was princesses. And I wouldn’t gain anything by refusing to tell her about Jessie’s dress. I wasn’t that immature.
“It was blue, kid.” And fit her like graceful waves unfurling on the shore.
“You eat cupcakes?” She turned to study me with such a quizzical eye that I couldn’t help laughing.
“Nah, no cupcakes.” I ruffled her hair. “But there was cake. And it looked pretty good.” Not that I’d gotten to eat any.
Still, she turned back to the TV, seeming satisfied for the moment. And as she snuggled in closer, I hugged her to my chest and closed my eyes. Soon she began to drift off, her eyes drooping and no longer attached to the TV screen. A few more minutes, and she was snoring. I should put her to bed. I needed to go to bed. We were deploying in less than twenty-four hours, and I’d had trouble sleeping since the ball, and not for a lack of trying. But I was sure going to miss this. I could afford five more minutes of holding her close.
A peace came over me as I listened to her steady breathing. Not a happy peace, per se, but one of resolution. Jessie could do as she pleased. If she didn’t want to be my wife, I could live with that. Because for now, one woman in my life was more than enough. And I was going to do my darnedest to take care of her.
37
That, Too
Jessie
I put my pen down and closed my eyes, breathing deeply of the scent of work. Glue. Paint. Paper. Crayons. This was where I was meant to be. Not sitting at home, worrying about the fate of my fiancé, who would have been arriving at his place of deployment any day. Because he wasn’t my fiancé, and I wasn’t waiting for him to come home.
I opened my eyes and looked around my classroom. After a final week with Jade, which, thankfully, had been free of Derrick, I was back at school. This had relieved me more than I could say. According to his mother, who seemed to have no idea of what had transpired between us, he had actually insisted on sleeping properly for once and preparing for deployment. Every morning, I’d held my breath as I turned the corner onto their street, praying he wouldn’t be home, and every evening, praying he wouldn’t emerge from his casita until I was gone.
The days had seemed oddly empty without him. But I’d taken several deep breaths and told Jade it was for the best anyway. She was going back to her usual therapy schedule for the school year, and I used the extra time to work with her to prepare her for our first week back as well as her choir tryout. All the extra time we’d previously spent dragging Jade around, I used to prepare for my own return to the classroom.
Going. If I just kept going, I was able to keep the pain emanating from the hole in my heart from growing too sharp. And between the staff meetings, lesson planning, classroom prepping, and last-minute supply shopping, there was more than enough to keep me busy. I also had the paperwork for my master’s degree to finish. But for some reason, even though it was staring at me from my desktop, I couldn’t get myself to get past typing my name at the top. It was like lifting my fingers to press the keys was more than my mind could sort out. Like it just couldn’t handle adding one more thing.
I’d been around Derrick far too long. He was rubbing off on me.
“Jessie?”
I turned in my swivel chair to see Sam standing in the doorway. I smiled. “What’s up?”
He rubbed his neck and looked up at the ceiling, his light blue button-up shirt and slacks looking freshly pressed and clean as always. Nothing like the sweaty, frizzy mess I felt like. “Look,” he said with a slight grimace, “I’ve been thinking about what that guy said.”
“That guy?”
“The airman. Jade’s older brother?”
“Oh. Okay. And what did he say?”
“He mentioned something about making a move. And I realized that while he was breaking your rules, so was I.”
I stared. “What do you mean?” It was easier to play stupid than to try to figure out what the men were up to in their games anymore.
“I never made a move. I mean, I tried to. I tried to find excuses to spend more time with you, but he was right. I never actually asked you out or told you how I feel.”
I sighed. “Sam—”
“Just hear me out. I know you’re not over him yet…”
Was my personal life on display for everyone these days?
“…not wanting t
o go too fast for you. I just…so I was hoping we could go out and get drinks. Just you and me.”
I studied him as he bit his lip, studying me back. Did I want to go out with Sam Newman? No, not really. What I really wanted was a handsome airman who took me to balls and brought me out to sightsee on bridges that were lit up in the night. If I was honest, I wanted Derrick. Badly.
But Derrick was gone, literally and figuratively, and after our parting words, I had little doubt we would never talk again if it was possible. And the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. I didn’t have to fall head over heels for Sam Newman. Getting out, though, might feel good. A much-needed distraction from the circles that had been looping in my head. Who knew? Sam fit the list now. He checked every little box on my list neatly and even threw a few more into the loop I hadn’t required. Not only did he respect what I did and support my future plans, but he already had his master’s degree, and he was working on his doctorate. He was good, and he was safe.
“Fine,” I said, chuckling a little. “Just promise me two things.”
His face was already too bright for my taste, but he restrained himself quickly and nodded. “Sure. What are they?”
I gave him a wry smile. “First of all, don’t propose to me on said date?”
He gave me a funny look, but to his credit, he didn’t laugh.
“Sure thing. Is that a new rule now? No proposing on the first date?”
“From now on it is. And second?”
He stared at me. “Yes?”
I took a deep breath. Was I ready to do this? No. I wasn’t. But that was exactly why I was asking.
“I like you, Sam. And I want to try. I really do.”
He beamed, and I held up a finger. “But I need some time.”
His face fell slightly. “Oh. Okay, um. How much?”
My Little Rock Airman Page 23
