“Jessie even made her choir try out for the part before she gave it to them.” My mom looked smug. “Jade was a little miffed, but in the end, she and her choir did great.” Then she paused. “Are you sure you don’t want to chat with Jessie sometime? Even if it was just to catch up? I could let her know what time of day you’re—”
“I’m sorry, Mom, but I need to get ready for work.”
Her face fell, but she gave me a tight smile. “All right then. Take care of yourself, son. I mean it.”
“I plan to, Mom. Love you. Tell Dad I love him, too.”
As soon as the connection went dead, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to ignore the familiar ache in my chest. The separation had been good for me. It forced me to think about work stuff that was in no way related to Jessie. We didn’t even wear our dress blues over here, so I didn’t have to think about the ball or the way she’d felt pressed against me in the dance, or how bright her eyes had been when she’d seen me in my uniform, like I was the only man in the world. Out here, I didn’t have to think about that at all. In fact, if I lost focus, I could make a mistake on the job and get someone killed, and that wasn’t an option. So focus was the best cure for all my ails.
But there were days, particularly slower ones, like today, when she was much harder to chase from my mind. Still, the deployment was only halfway over. By the time I got back, it would be March, and that would double the time I had to get her out of my mind before being in the same city again with her. Only this time, I wouldn’t fall prey to her charms. Because even if she refused to live her life, I would absolutely live mine.
40
All I Ask
Derrick
I blinked in the light of the rising sun as I stepped off the plane and started my descent down the fold-up stairs that led us to the runway.
I couldn’t see my parents’ faces or my sister’s in the throng of family and friends who had come to welcome us home. Six months away, and somehow, it felt like I’d never left.
Unfortunately, that also meant that as soon as the warm, wet air that smelled like clover and sweet grass hit my face, I was also bombarded with a million memories that came springing back like a Jack in the Box that just wouldn’t close.
The deployment, while not what I would call fun and games, had been mostly uneventful. We’d had a few brushes with danger, but nothing to get over-excited about. The best part, however, had been my state of mind. I was focused on work, and when time allowed it, the long-distance college classes I’d started up again. A certain woman had been on my mind less and less, and by the end of the six-month tour, I was sure I was ready to face Little Rock again without her. But this sudden feeling of deja vu was so bad that when I finally found my family, despite knowing she wouldn’t be with them, I was surprised to find only three people instead of four.
Good grief, the woman had only been in my life for two months. It wasn’t possible for her to have taken this much of my attention and expectations, especially after I’d been deployed for three times that amount of time. It was early March, and time to be looking away from the past and to new adventures.
There was a short ceremony where we stood at attention while one of the commanders read out what I’m sure was a nicely thought out speech. All I wanted to do, though, was take Jade in my arms and hold that baby girl close.
Eventually, I got my wish, and we were released. Jade acted cool as a cucumber, which didn’t surprise me in the least bit. She’d punished me before when I’d gone to other states for training. Usually, I had to buy my way back into her graces, and though she acted disdainful about the whole thing, I knew she enjoyed every minute of it.
My parents, however, took me by complete surprise. They were wearing red, white, and blue t-shirts, and had even made a WELCOME HOME banner by hand.
“You’re home!” My mother clutched me, sobbing. “My baby is home!”
My dad cleared his throat about a dozen times and shook my hand four more times. Jade handed me a smoothie and managed to look completely bored while I smothered her in hugs and kisses, but I didn’t miss the wry little smile as I finally put her back down.
After I got my bags, and we finally made our way to the car, I decided that no matter how sleep-deprived and time-confused I felt, this was going to be a new start. If only I could change the feeling that there was a hole in our party that just couldn’t be filled.
My mom turned around in her seat as we left the fast-food drive-through.
“You sure that’s what you wanted?”
I raised my chicken sandwich in the air. “I’ve been dreaming of this for the last six months. If I died now, I could rest in peace.”
“Derrick, that’s not even funny.” She grimaced.
“I’m alive,” I winked at Jade, “so it is.”
When we got home, my dad grabbed my bags before I could get to them and dragged them out to my casita. I went to the kitchen with my mom and Jade.
In spite of myself, I’d missed this kitchen a lot when I was gone. The memories with Jade from the summer before were some of my most precious. At least, that’s what I’d told myself. But when I stepped inside, I was reminded once more that I would never again wake up and find Jessie standing in here, pouring Jade’s cereal with new insults ready to throw my way.
Because Jessie was gone. And my stupid mouth had made sure she wouldn’t want to come back.
Not that I’d forgiven her yet. Far from it. I still couldn’t for the life of me understand why she would let herself (and me) get so deep and then run the other way as if she’d been taken by surprise. Okay, maybe it was a little faster than most courtships. But with the deployment looming, I didn’t have much time. I’d really thought that after all that time we’d spent together, she’d have the courage to jump. And I’d been sure that if I waited, without a ring, she’d find a way to talk herself out of it while I was gone. And I didn’t know if I could take that.
I wandered around the kitchen and rummaged through the cabinets. Jackpot. Mom had stocked the kitchen with all my favorite cereals. She really had forgiven me for joining the Air Force. And, it seemed, for losing Amy.
“Mine.”
I looked down to see Jade pointing up at the cabinet.
“I want mine.”
“A please wouldn’t kill you, kid.” I pulled down the cereal and began to pour her a bowl until she whacked my leg.
“Mine. I do it.”
I wanted to tell her to lose the attitude, but my curiosity won out when I realized she was actually reaching for the box. I handed it to her and watched as she poured her own bowl of cereal and topped it off with about a cup too much milk.
“How long has she been doing that?” I asked my mom as she walked in, yawning.
“Oh, since about a month after you left. Jessie wasn’t here, of course, but she and I had a talk about how she thought Jade was ready. And I didn’t think so at first, but lo and behold, she was right.”
I just let her talk, pouring my cereal, in spite of the fact that I’d just had a chicken sandwich, and pretending this was all fantastic. I hadn’t told my parents about the proposal in hopes they could celebrate with me after instead of asking a million questions before. But for once, my mom didn’t seem fooled. I could see it in the way she pursed her lips now as she studied me.
“I know things didn’t work out between you two the way you wanted,” she said in a soft voice, “so I’m really hesitant to ask this.”
I paused mid-chew and regarded her warily. “Go on.”
“Jade’s choir is performing tonight, the one we told you she tried out for last fall. Anyhow, they’re in the school talent show, and…” She sighed. “Jade is really hoping you’ll come.”
I stared at her for a moment before letting out a strange bark of a laugh. “Never did I think I’d see the day when you had to beg me to come to something for Jade.”
“No, you’re right. And I hate that you’re right because it took you coming and leaving before we un
derstood so much of what you were trying to tell us.”
I folded my arms. “You do?”
She nodded. “We got rid of Jade’s nanny. Now it’s just us.” She gave me a sad smile. “I’m trying. I really am. It’s not easy, but…just please don’t make me tell your sister that you won’t come see her sing. It’ll break her heart.”
I took a deep breath. The talent show wasn’t the issue. The issue was what neither of us had said aloud. If the talent show was at the school, Jessie was sure to be there and from what my mother had said before, was definitely involved. And if Jessie was involved, there was a ridiculously good chance I would have to see her face-to-face during some point that night.
I glanced over at Jade where she sat now, crunching away at her cereal. Her eyes were welded to me, and I couldn’t help cracking a smile.
“Of course, I’ll go, Geode.”
There was no way I was missing my little sister’s talent show for sleep…or to avoid the woman I’d thought I loved. Jessie would just have to accept that I was coming, and that would be the end of that.
Before we could say anything else, though, the doorbell buzzed.
“I’ll get it.” I put my empty bowl in the sink and went to the front door. When I saw who it was, I nearly dropped my coffee.
“Hi, Derrick.” Amy tucked a dark lock of hair behind her ear. “It’s good to see you.”
I glanced back to make sure no one had heard me, then closed the door and moved out onto the porch for some privacy. Then I turned to the woman who, at one point, had been my future.
“What…um.” I scrunched my eyes closed and rubbed them. I needed about three days of sleep and a fourteen-hour mental time adjustment to deal with this kind of stuff. When I opened my eyes again, she was still there, all five feet and eight inches of her, dark hair up in a ponytail, smeared mascara beneath her eyes, and dressed in a t-shirt and jeans.
When was the last time I’d seen her in anything but work clothes? This was the Amy I had come to know and love. Before she was the high powered attorney and constantly wore pantsuits. Back when she was just…Amy.
She turned her face down to the ground, though I saw her continue to sneak glances up at me as she spoke, her blue eyes bewitching beneath those long lashes. “I called your mom and asked when you were getting home,” she said. Then she took a deep breath. “And I had to come.”
“Okay?” It probably wasn’t the politest way to talk to someone who had just flown halfway across the country for me, but I wasn’t in a particularly gracious mood when it came to women I wasn’t related to at that moment.
She sighed. “I don’t know how to say this. I’ve been trying for months, and you’d think being a lawyer would give me words…” She chuckled dryly. “But it doesn’t.”
“Amy, you’re not—”
“I miss you, Derrick. Giving you up was stupid, and I was being petty. And if I’m honest, I was more than a little jealous. I was just sure Jade’s nanny was doing her best to seduce you, and you were going right along with it. And Jade was just your excuse.”
“Shows you how much you really know about me now, doesn’t it?”
“Would you just listen?” She huffed. “After you were gone, I realized my world felt really empty without you. I missed calling and texting you first thing in the morning. All those bridal magazines my mom had bought for me seemed to mock me from my coffee table. I nearly bought a ticket to go see you back in September, but your mom said you were deploying, and I was too late.”
I rubbed my eyes and slid down into one of my mom’s cushy white porch chairs. “Amy, I appreciate the thought, but I don’t see what any of this changes. We just want different things.”
“I’ve been thinking about that,” she said softly. “And I…I’m ready to make some changes.”
“How so?”
This time, she didn’t look away. “I know you love your sister. And the more I think about it, the more I want to love her, too. You were right. She deserves that.” She took a deep, shuddery breath. “And if you’d just give us one more chance, I think life could be even more than we wanted it to be. Imagine it. The three of us, going on adventures, hiking.” She paused. “I’d even quit my job. We could get married quietly if you want. No big celebration or expensive cake. Just us and our closest family and friends. I just…I want to be with you. And why it took you flying halfway across the world for me to see that, I’ll never know. But I do know that I was wrong, and there’s little more to tell.” She put her hands in her pockets and shrugged. “So…what do you say?”
I swallowed and ran my hand through my hair. This was it. I was being offered everything I’d ever dreamed about since I was old enough to want a family of my own. A beautiful, supportive wife. The ability to take care of my sister, should the need arise. She was even offering to forego the ridiculously expensive ceremony she’d gone on about for months and just settle for…me. It was everything I’d ever wanted.
But as I tried to imagine us walking the Grand Canyon trails with Jade or going shopping or spending a day at the farmer’s market, it wasn’t Amy’s face I saw in my imagination, with her dark hair and alluring eyes. Instead, I saw a little pixie face framed by short golden-brown hair, her hands enveloping smaller ones as she coached Jade on how to lift her feet the right way when climbing steps. And no matter how hard I tried to see Amy, all I saw was Jessie.
But at the memory of her pixie face, my heart hardened. You know what? If I was going to have to face her tonight, where she was probably dating that stupid teacher, then I wasn’t going to leave myself vulnerable.
“Derrick?” Amy’s voice wavered.
If only closing that painful chapter could close on all the rest. But it didn’t. Because Jessie had dug her grips into my heart better than eagle talons on prey, and it would take an act of God to get them out. And I couldn’t do a stinking thing about it. Except maybe protect myself tonight.
“Look…” I scratched my neck. “I’m going to my sister’s talent show tonight, and I just got home from deployment, like fifteen minutes ago. I need to sleep today, but maybe tonight you could come. Then we can talk about this again in the morning.”
She reached up on her toes and kissed my cheek. “Thank you, Derrick. That’s all I ask.”
41
I See
Derrick
My dockers and polo shirt had never felt so hot or itchy as they did that night when we walked into the school along with the throng of other parents and grandparents. Posters made out of butcher paper in primary colors hung on all the walls like advertisements for trailers might hang in a movie theater. Children in costumes were everywhere, and parents stopped for pictures next to the posters, cooing and praising as their cameras and phones clicked and flashed.
Jade was chill as ever. She watched the exciting scene with a condescending gaze, regarding one boy dressed up as a pirate who was in tears with a rather disdainful eye. We’d practiced her song at home a million times that day, and this seemed to have given her a sense of superiority which I might have laughed at, had she not been there to see.
But it wasn’t the stuffy air or the pressing crowd or even Jade’s part that made me jumpy. It was the face I dreaded but was sure to see. Because this was Jessie’s life. And unless she’d come down with a last-minute case of the plague, she was sure to be here tonight, front and center.
At least I had Amy.
“Hold on, hold on!” Amy stopped us. Then she grabbed Jade by the shoulder and dragged her over to the wall to stand beside a butcher paper cut-out of a ballerina. “Let me take your picture, sweetie!”
Jade scowled and marched back over to me, where she turned to glower up at me.
“Amy,” I said, trying to keep my voice down. The last thing I wanted to do was have Jessie see me trying to rein in my ex-fiancée because she was going to drive my sister insane. Not that I should care what Jessie thought of it all. But the whole thing was…well, a little embarrassing.
“Jade doesn’t like to be touched until she knows you,” I tried to explain as Amy muttered at her camera.
“But we know each other, don’t we, sweetie?” Her voice was loud and her words slow.
“Amy, you haven’t seen her in over a year. And she can hear you just fine.”
“I’ll take Jade to her classroom,” my mother said, stepping quickly between us. “You three go find seats in the cafeteria.”
My dad kissed Jade and wished her luck and then we turned to do as we were told. I hadn’t known it was possible, but without Jade, I felt even more exposed. At least with her along, I could divert the attention. If Jessie and I had been forced to talk, we would have at least had a subject on which to focus. But now it was just me.
“Should’ve gotten here sooner,” my dad said as we entered the cafeteria. Sure enough, the place was already crawling with people. It was hard to find even four seats together, but we did eventually find a space right up in the far front corner.
“This is so cute!” Amy exclaimed, taking pictures of everything. “No wonder Jade loves it here so much.” Did she always yell everything she said? I searched my memories for how loudly she’d talked before we broke up.
My mom slipped in a few minutes later.
“Look at her.” She laughed as she held up her phone to show us the pictures she’d taken. “We got the costume to the room in one piece. She’s still got her tutu and leotard on, and she had the wand when I left at least. But she refused to take off the boots. Jessie finally said it wasn’t worth the fight and to let her wear them.”
My dad let out an uncharacteristic chuckle. “She must be excited. I can even see her dimple.”
I watched them for a moment, trying to remember the last time they’d made such a fuss over my sister. Honestly, I couldn’t remember, all except for her birthday parties and surgery days. This was nice. Please let it last, I prayed.
My Little Rock Airman Page 25
