He gave me a terse nod and turned to tend to Jessie. A lump the size of a baseball sat in my throat as I stepped back to watch the helicopter lift into the air once more.
When they were gone, I felt someone take my hand. Looking down, I found Jade, who was watching the helicopter as well. For the first time, I really looked at her. I’d glanced, of course, as soon as I’d seen her, but her angry screams had been enough to convince me she was probably doing fine. But now, I could see that not only was she fine, there was barely a scratch on her, which was more than I could say for some of the other kids.
“She’s fine.”
I looked up to see Madison, who I now recalled was Jessie’s best friend.
“Jessie was on top of her the whole time.” Her voice caught. “Even when she had to hold her arm because it really started to bleed, Jessie held onto Jade for dear life.”
I knelt down to my little sister and took her face in my hands. She wore a solemn expression, her dark eyes looking back into mine. And all I could do was to clutch her to my chest and cry.
I’d worried once that Jessie might not take care of her the way she needed to be cared for. And now Jessie was in the fight of her life because she had. And I couldn’t be at her side because I’d been too pig-headed to wait.
45
Derrick, you pig-faced jerk…
Derrick
As soon as I’d gathered my senses and done my best to help with the other injuries, none of which were as bad as Jessie’s, I called Jessie’s mom to tell her what had happened. What might have been a decidedly awkward conversation, considering how Jessie and I had left off, was short and full of stress on both sides. That was the last I expected to hear from Mrs. Nickleby.
We were recalled soon after that, with Sergeant Barnes sending out the message that those who could come were needed to return to the base to help with cleanup and emergency services. But since I had my sister, he sent me home instead.
“You’re home!” my mother cried as soon as we opened the door. It was strange walking in the house. After seeing so much destruction, my parents’ neighborhood was untouched. But I couldn’t dwell on that very long. I was exhausted, despite sleeping most of the day yesterday between returning from deployment and going to the show, but there was one last stop I had to make. And it was out on the front porch.
“Your mom said you wanted to see me?” Amy pushed a strand of hair out of her face as she settled into one of the white porch chairs.
“Yeah.” I couldn’t bring myself to sit, so I settled for leaning against one of the porch posts. “Look, I appreciate you coming out here and trying to make things right.”
“Uh-oh.” She was smiling, but I could tell it wasn’t real. “This doesn’t sound like a let’s-give-this-another-try speech.”
I shook my head. “I need to be honest with you. And truth be told…”
“It’s her, isn’t it?” Amy’s voice was sharp and tight, and her smile disappeared. “The nanny.”
“Amy, you…” How did I say this without being cruel? And yet, what could I do to signal to this woman that we really were through? “You have different desires and needs than I can offer. And this summer showed me that I do, too.”
“You don’t know that,” she whimpered.
“I know that last night was torture for you and Jade. Do you really want to do that every single day?”
She’d opened her mouth as if to argue, but then she shut it again. Finally, her shoulders drooped. “I suppose not.” When she spoke again, her voice was soft. “You left because you wanted something I can’t give you. And from what I gather, now it seems she’s left you for the same reason. I saw the way you were looking at her last night, and it was clear that the ball was in her park.” She stood. “I hope you can do better than I did.” Then she turned and walked away.
Amy was right. Jessie had left me, in a way. But I couldn’t rid myself of the need to know how she was doing. Unfortunately, the base called me back that evening to help with rescue efforts, so I had to wait until I was done the next day before I could try again. So as soon as they let us go, I mustered my courage and texted Jessie’s mom again.
I know I’m probably the last person Jessie wants to hear from, but I just wanted to make sure she’s okay.
Honestly, I didn’t even think I’d hear back from her. And yet, not a minute later, my phone buzzed.
She’s had several transfusions, but the doctor says she should be fine. It’s going to take a while, though. They want to make sure she doesn’t develop an infection, and she lost a lot of blood.
I paused before responding, wondering how much Mrs. Nickleby must hate me by now. Jessie was steady enough that I knew she didn’t give her heart away easily. Even if she didn’t consider herself in love, I couldn’t imagine her parents would be big fans of mine, particularly if she’d shared my parting sentiments that night of the ball. Five minutes later, I got the gumption to text again.
Thanks, Mrs. Nickleby.
Did I dare ask for her room number? I wanted to…needed to. Even if I hadn’t been crazy in love with her, she’d saved my sister’s life. That warranted a visit, didn’t it? Before I could type back my bold request, another message from Mrs. Nickleby made my phone ding.
She’s in room 401. Visiting hours are between four and eight. And she’s allergic to baby’s breath.
I laughed.
Yes, ma’am.
Maybe I wouldn’t have to fight my way into that room after all.
I arrived the next day, at six-thirty, roses in hand sans baby’s breath. (I’d had to ask the florist what baby’s breath even was.) Her mother was in the waiting room and saw me first. She ran toward me, arms open wide. The moment I hugged her back, she was in tears, crying into my shoulder as Jessie’s father, who was sitting behind her, gave me a more than slightly disapproving stare. I didn’t take offense, though. I’d earned it, and I knew that.
“I’m so glad you’re here.” She pulled back and looked at me. “Did you just come from work?”
I looked down at my uniform. “Unfortunately, yes. I wanted to be here earlier, but they’ve had us working overtime with storm rescues and clean up and such.”
She nodded and wiped her eyes. “I’m just glad you came.” She pulled me toward the hall that led away from the waiting room. “She’s asleep,” she sniffed. “They think it’s going to take weeks for her to recover completely. If someone hadn’t put that tourniquet on, they said she probably wouldn’t have made it.” This brought on a whole new bout of tears, but I didn’t say anything because I wasn’t too far behind it myself.
The room was dark when I entered, curtains drawn and lights off.
“She’s had trouble sleeping, so they’re trying to help by keeping it dark,” Jessie’s mother whispered as we stood at the foot of the bed.
“I won’t wake her,” I whispered back. I just wanted to look at her. I needed to see the steady rise and fall of her chest and the color in her cheeks. I desperately wanted to touch her, but—
“Here.”
I turned to see Mrs. Nickleby handing me a manila folder. Raising my eyebrows in question, I took it.
“I don’t know if Jessie ever told you,” she looked at her daughter tenderly, “but when she’s mad at people, she writes them letters and doesn’t send them.”
“She mentioned it once.”
She nodded at the folder. “Those are for you.”
I pulled the first one out of the folder and read the greeting.
Derrick, you pig-faced jerk…
“Well, that’s a promising start,” I said in a low voice.
She pointed to the date, which was written neatly in the corner. The date itself had been smudged out by a water stain, but the beginning at least read back in May.
“Read the starting dates of each. Then keep reading.” She paused and sent Jessie one more look of longing.
“What am I looking for?”
She tilted her head, and for a mome
nt, I could have sworn it was Jessie looking at me twenty years down the road. “I told you you were good for her.” And then she left.
I moved closer to sit in the chair beside the bed. My promise not to wake her had been made with good intentions, but I was unable to stop myself from running the backs of my fingers over the side of her face. Then I looked back down at the first letter in a stack that was surprisingly thick.
The first letter was dated for the week we’d first met. Apparently, I’d been getting under her skin for longer than I remembered. I touched her cheek one more time before settling in for a nice, long read.
What started as a humorous trip down Memory Lane, however, quickly became something else altogether. There were fewer letters during our truce, usually only when I’d done something to really annoy her. But the one that made me stop and reread it, however, was the one she wrote the week after the ball.
Derrick,
I’m not going to say dear because I’m angry with you. So angry I can’t even think straight.
I knew this was going to happen. The moment I laid eyes on you, I knew you were trouble. Probably the kind of guy to go around making women fall in love with him just for the sport, I told myself. And every time you had her, you would move on to the next challenge. You were hot, and you knew it, and you exploited that fact. Men like you were the exact reason I don’t date airmen.
Until I got to know you and realized that’s not you at all. You don’t swing wildly from woman to woman. You’re worse.
You lower defenses and take out the artillery. Then, when it’s all clear, you attack. You go for the throat, and you don’t take no for an answer. I tried to say no to you. I really did. But you were hopeful in a way no man has ever been about me. And you somehow knew exactly what would unlock my defenses. And I loved and hated you for it. Why did you want me? Why did you need to unlock the sacred places of my heart? It was like walking toward a cliff. I knew better. And I kept trying to change paths. But for every step I took in another direction, you lured me two steps closer.
And you know what’s sickening? I let you. Because that stupid voice of hope in my heart said maybe this one would be different. Maybe there would be a way to make this work. I wanted it to work. I had no idea how it would happen, but there was something in your smile and promises and words that made me see that maybe we could have something different from what I’d had planned.
Then you raised me up and dashed me against the rocks because you couldn’t have your own way. At least I found out before it was too late.
Ouch. I put the letter down and looked at Jessie again, guilt washing over me like it hadn’t in weeks, or maybe even months. Did I even want to finish these letters? I sighed and held up the next one. It was dated for the next day.
You’re leaving today. That’s what your mom says. Well, I hope you find everything you were looking for in this blasted career.
I want to be angry with you. And I am. But I also can’t help feeling like a huge chunk of my heart is gone, and I’ve lost a piece of me that I’m not sure will heal. How did you do that, sliding your way inside and taking part of my me with you? I want you so much it hurts. It’s weird going places in my car instead of your infernal truck, and Jade asks for you constantly.
I’m still angry with you, but I’ll pray for you nonetheless. Jade needs you, no matter what kind of jerk you are to people your age. Stay safe, and don’t do anything stupid.
I moved to the next letter, afraid to see where the spark of hope in my chest was leading me but unable to stop.
So today was Jade’s first day back to school. You would have been so proud of her. I know we’re not speaking, and I’m still not speaking to you, but I wanted to tell you this anyway. One of the new boys decided to pick on her by tossing crayons at her. I was impressed first, by her ability to ignore him. I was across the room dealing with another behavior issue, so my response time was slower than I would have liked. But he got his just desserts.
They were playing ball at recess, and to my surprise, Jade wanted to play. Now, the game was soccer, but Jade didn’t hesitate. She picked the ball up in her hands, and from three feet away, nailed the kid, point-blank in the face.
“Jade!” I called as I ran over to check the boy’s nose. “This is soccer! You have to use your feet!”
Jade looked at me for a moment before getting that smug little smile she has and said, “Oops.” Then she shrugged and turned away.
The teacher side of me had to make her apologize. I’m required to for my job. But inside, I was cheering her on. That girl isn’t going to lie down and take crap from anyone.
Anyhow, I’m still not talking to you. But I thought you should know. I was proud of her. And I knew you would be, too.
As the dates changed, the anger began to dissipate, and I found myself filled with more than a little awe. She’d written to me, and nearly every day at that. Gone were the threats and rants, and instead, they were filled with all the little random things we used to talk about. She told me all about her class and how Jade was progressing, and eventually more about herself.
Okay, if I’m being honest, I’ve tried for the life of me to picture what our kids would have looked like. I keep trying to see them with green eyes, but all three have blue. I think the girl would have hair like mine, and one of the boys would have your color. Maybe we’d get a ginger in the mix. That would be fun. I’ve always wanted a red-haired kid.
If I’m still being honest, I have to tell you, this school year is dragging on. That’s not supposed to happen, as this is only my second year. I can’t be getting tired of it already.
Maybe, though, it has more to do with the fact that you’re not here. I didn’t realize how much I’ve isolated myself until you were gone. And now that you’re not here, I’m missing it. I miss laughing with you. Arguing with you, if you can believe that.
Final confession, it’s like you opened up my heart and plucked out every romantic movie I’ve ever watched and cried through. And as much as it pains me to say it, I’m beginning to see that you were right. I want a lot of things in life, and as of now, I’m the reason they’re not here. I’m the one who wrote the list of rules, and it was my decision to work myself to death through high school and college. And now that I’m here in adulthood where I always wanted to be, it’s not enough. Not that God hasn’t given me enough. More that…I’ve been keeping it out. Because I’m terrified to let anything new in. It’s so easy to feel like if I can just keep everything planned and plotted, everything will turn out fine.
What do I really want? If I’m being unrealistic here, and completely impractical…I want to marry you. I want you to carry me over the threshold all old fashioned-like. You could tuck me into bed beside you every night. We could squabble to our heart’s content until we’re old and gray and arguing over which kind of bran cereal is best. I want to stay in Jade’s life and watch her grow and mature and discover where she’s meant to be in this crazy world. I want to have your babies and raise them beside you. I want to follow you around and have my adventure. And if God decides to cut it short and leave me alone…
Well, you’ll have been worth it. I’d rather live a little of my life with you than none of it at all.
I want you, Derrick. Every inch of the godly, infuriating, dutiful man you are.
But my mom’s still sick. And there’s nothing I can do about that. I used to know where I was in this world and exactly what purpose I served. I was a daughter and a teacher. I sang in the choir, and everything was right. But you’ve fractured my worldview, and I can’t see straight anymore. And as much as I want all this, none of it changes the vast number of variables in military life. That’s a risk I just don’t think I can take.
Not that it matters. You’re fun and adventurous, and I’m a frightened coward. You probably won’t want me anymore when you see just how much of the world there is to offer outside Little Rock. And that breaks my heart more than anything else.
I wip
ed my tears on my sleeve and for a long time, just watched her. She moaned a little sometimes and turned over in the hospital bed several times. After an hour and a half, visiting hours were up, and I made my way back out to the waiting room. Her mother went up to me and pulled me into a hug. I hadn’t known I needed one until she did, but as soon as I was in her arms, I cried like a little boy. Finally, she pulled back.
“I know it’s hard to understand,” she said, sniffling along with me. “Think, though, about your devotion to Jade, and you’ll get a glimpse at the way Jessie is determined to take care of me.” She laughed, more a sob than a chuckle. “The only difference is that I’m a fully-capable adult with a fully-capable husband, and Jade is not. But even if you could leave her with someone else who you knew was fully capable…would you?”
That question haunted me the rest of the way home. Because I didn’t even have to think about it to know the answer.
46
I Know
Jessie
“You feeling okay?”
My mom’s voice snapped me out of my reverie.
“I’m sorry, what?” I blinked a few times. For a moment, I’d forgotten that the TV was on or even that I was curled up in my favorite blanket or that I’d been home from the hospital for three days.
She sat down beside me and sipped her tea. “You’ve been quiet since you’ve gotten home from the hospital.”
“I’m still pretty tired, I guess.”
“The doctor said it would be another day or so before that went away.” She studied me again, and when she spoke, her voice was lower. “Would it also have anything to do with a certain someone not coming to visit again?”
My Little Rock Airman Page 28
