Our bodies stay entangled. We tease each other. We enjoy the moment until the water starts to chill, and we’re forced to get out. Lawson dries me off, holds me in a wonderful embrace, and we slowly dress for my departure. It seems like we’re both trying to put it off as long as we can, but there are only so many hours of daylight.
“Do you want anything for the road?” Lawson raises an eyebrow. “Red Bull, perhaps?”
“I’ll take one.” I nod in agreement. “I might need that boost before I finally get home.”
“Text me when you get there?” Lawson retrieves a Red Bull from the fridge and hands it to me. “Or call me if you get bored on the way…”
“I’ll definitely call you.” I smile, and he pulls me in for a hug.
“This weekend has been incredible, Ainsley. I really hope I get to see you again next weekend.” The hug lasts longer than it has to, but I don’t mind.
“I’ll do everything I can to make that happen.” I lean back from his embrace and smile. “Walk me to my car?”
“Of course.” He nods and finally lets his hands drop down to my waist.
We walk hand-in-hand as we spend our last minutes together. I feel a little hollower with every step I take, like something is being left behind with my departure. Maybe it’s my heart or maybe it’s just the incredible experiences we shared that I don’t want to be apart from. Nonetheless, it’s an inevitable moment for us both.
“I’m going to miss you, Ainsley Andrews.” Lawson pulls me in for one more kiss once we reach my car.
“I’m going to miss you.” I lean close to his ear after our lips part. “Daddy.”
“Come back next weekend, and you can call me that all you want.” He nods, and I see a hint of sadness in his eyes.
He feels it too. Saying goodbye isn’t easy for either of us.
“Bye…” I sigh as I sit in my car, and Lawson pushes my door closed.
I crank up my car and watch him in the rearview mirror as I pull into the street. We wave at each other one final time, and then he’s out of sight. It hurts. It shouldn’t. Not for a guy that I literally just met, but there’s something special between us. He’s everything I’ve needed and a whole lot more. I want to believe I mean the same thing to him, but I doubt he has tears forming in his eyes like I do. He’s stronger than that.
I call Lawson twice before I make it to Cedar Grove. I get the feeling that we both miss each other right now. I hope the fire continues to burn as the days pass without the kind of physical and emotional contact we shared. It seems so strange to think that I went to the city for anything except meeting him. Destiny and fate were working for me that night—working for us. We found our way to each other like we were being pushed in that direction by something so much larger than two human beings who had lost their way. Now it doesn’t feel like I should be anywhere else but in his arms.
Turning onto my street snaps me out of my daze. It brings me back to reality. My heart sinks into my stomach when I see my mother’s car in the driveway. I know she’s going to have something to say to me as soon as I walk through the door. I was hoping she would be out, and I would have some time to get settled before we talked. It doesn’t look like destiny or fate are working for me right now.
All I can do is face the music. I text Lawson to let him know I made it home. The steps toward my front door are almost as hard as the ones I had to take when I walked to my car, but Lawson isn’t holding my hand right now, so it feels like I’m sinking into the ground.
“Ainsley sit down. We need to talk.” My mother’s anger-filled eyes are the first thing I see.
“Mom, I…” I barely get two words out before she interrupts me.
“No, sit down. I phrased it wrong. I’m going to talk, and you’re going to listen.” She points at the chair I usually sit in.
“Okay.” I nod and sit.
My mom was angry on the phone. I played it off when I told Lawson about the conversation. It was still unresolved, and the punishment I got from him wasn’t going to allow me to purge the guilt. That’s probably why it hurt—why I couldn’t connect to it the same way I did when we were having fun.
“You know, Ainsley, I did everything I could to let you be a normal teenager. I knew you’d rebel, regardless of what I told you to do. I knew you would make mistakes and learning from them is supposed to be part of growing up.” She shakes her head and tears up. “Now? I don’t even know anymore. You got arrested, and I…”
“Mom, I’m sorry.” I tear up as well.
“I’m sure you think you’re sorry, but I don’t know if you even have any idea what that means.” She wipes away a tear. “I was so damn tempted to put my foot down after I had to come get you at the police station, but like every other time, I just thought you would learn something from it. I thought it would be the wake-up call you needed.”
“It was.” I look down and blink away my tears.
“No, it wasn’t.” She exhales sharply. “You don’t think, Ainsley. You live life like nobody matters except you. I don’t care if I’m nineteen, twenty-nine, or ninety, I would never stay out all night without letting someone know I wasn’t planning on coming home.”
“I know, Mom. I know I should have told you.” All I can do is stare at the floor.
I already felt guilty, and this is making me feel sick to my stomach. Rightfully so. That’s how I deserve to feel.
“But you didn’t, Ainsley. You acted like it was no big deal when you finally called me, after brushing me off entirely with a damn text message yesterday morning.” Her expression darkens. “I’m tired of it. I can’t do this anymore. I love you, and I always will, but something has to change. Since you aren’t capable of making that change yourself, I’m the one who has to do it.”
“What do you mean?” I lift my head nervously.
“It’s time for you to grow up, Ainsley. You need to get your own place. I’ve tried to get you to go back to school, and you refuse, so if you want to support yourself, now is the time to do it.” She sighs. “I hope the responsibility of taking care of yourself will be enough to finally open your damn eyes, because it’s a lot harder to make it than you think, and the last thing anyone needs is someone who doesn’t appreciate a single thing you do for them.”
“Mom, I know I don’t show it, but I do appreciate everything you do for me.” There is no way to fight back the tears now. They’re coming.
“I don’t think you do, and nothing you can say is going to change that, because you’ve never shown it.” She shrugs. “No matter how many chances I’ve given you.”
My mom gets up and leaves the room. She’s said her piece, and now she’s done. I sit in stunned silence for a couple of minutes before retreating to my bedroom. It won’t be mine much longer. I’m officially on my way to being homeless. I’ll never be able to afford a place to live on what I make at the diner, unless I start putting in a whole lot of overtime. I’m not even sure that will be enough. I’ll probably need two jobs just to get by.
I always wondered what it would feel like if my mother totally gave up on me. Now I do. It feels absolutely awful, like I have a weight on my chest and shoulders at the same time. All of the horrible things I’ve done have finally caught up with me. I kept pushing and pushing until she finally pushed back.
No fantasy can fix this. There’s no punishment bad enough to make this feel better. I’ve truly made a mess of things, and now I have to reap the consequences.
Chapter Eighteen
Lawson
Watching Ainsley drive away was hard. We shared something special. Two lost souls that found a glimmer of something beautiful in the midst of our darkness. We talk a couple of times before she makes it back to Cedar Grove. I get one final text message letting me know she made it home safe and sound.
Despite being rather lonely without her, it still feels like there is a glow in my apartment. A light that was left behind by her presence, a hint of her perfume in the air, gorgeous emerald eyes that f
licker when I close my eyes for a moment. I wish I could open them and see her staring back at me. I’d do about anything to make that happen.
She’s still such a mystery to me. Her needs, wants, and desires—all of her fantasies. I’ve only begun to see the woman behind them. I want to be the man who gives it to her. The man who satisfies every curiosity she has, as I learn everything there is to learn about her. Doing that in one weekend is impossible. I pray there will be more.
Now that I know Ainsley is safe at home, I can finally relax. I walk into the kitchen, pour myself a drink, and light a cigarette. It feels like an instinct. I don’t need the liquor to numb my pain, and I have every reason in the world to live, but I give in to my habits in the absence of what I actually want. Her. In my arms. In my bed. Across my knee if that’s what she wants. She can whisper anything into my ear, even if the only word I hear is Daddy.
I feel like that should bother me more than it does. The first time I heard it, it freaked me out, but it’s starting to grow on me. I certainly don’t see my daughter when I look at Ainsley. Far from it. I see a troubled but beautiful young woman who aches for guidance. I wish I were a better man, but I’m the one who found her. I don’t want to let her go.
Not now. Not ever.
I drink, smoke, and try to entertain myself by flipping through the channels on my television. It doesn’t work. All I can think about is her. I give up and reach for my phone.
Lawson: I miss you.
Ainsley: I miss you too.
Lawson: How did things go with your mom? Did you grovel enough to make her happy?
Ainsley: No, she’s still pretty upset.
Lawson: She has every right to be.
Ainsley: I know.
Lawson: I’m sure things will be better tomorrow. She still loves you.
Ainsley: She is kicking me out of the house.
Lawson: What? Seriously?
Ainsley: Yeah.
Lawson: Do you want to talk?
Ainsley: I don’t think can right now. Maybe tomorrow?
Lawson: Sure, I’m here if you need me.
That’s the end of our conversation. I want to say more, but I’m not sure anything could console her right now. I’m a parent. I understand tough love, despite never being too good at it. All I did was blow my entire world up in my face. This will be a hard lesson for Ainsley to learn, but maybe it’s what she needs. I could never say that to her. It isn’t my place. All I can do is be supportive and offer her a shoulder to lean on. I haven’t been in her life long enough to offer more than that.
Of course, that isn’t my first instinct. My first instinct is to tell her to pack a bag and drive back to my place. Open the door. Welcome her. Tell her she can stay as long as she likes. I’d be an asshole to do that, even if she would appreciate it. She made a mistake, and she has to learn from that mistake if she’s going to grow. I’ve made enough of them myself to understand how far you have to fall before you find the strength to pick yourself up. Sometimes you can’t. If there had been a few stumbles along the way, it might not have hurt so bad when rock bottom rose up to slam me in the face.
I don’t think she’s there yet. This may be what saves her from it.
Monday morning and the headache that goes with it. This time it isn’t even the alcohol; it’s the mundane reality of everyday life. I shower, drink coffee, get ready for work, and head to the fucking office. I’m early, not earlier than Joanna, who beats most of us into the building.
“Good morning, Mr. Brooks!” she greets me warmly.
“Morning.” I nod to her and keep walking to my office.
I open my door and suddenly remember that my office was obliterated on Friday night. I got so carried away that I literally forgot what I would be walking into. We cleaned it up, but there’s still a mess. I do my best to straighten up what I can, hide the stuff that’s damaged, and get everything situated right as Bram shows up at my door.
“Damn, did you decide to redecorate?” He looks around in confusion as he walks into my office.
“Yeah, something like that.” I laugh under my breath.
“I brought breakfast.” He puts a plate down in front of me that’s covered with a piece of plastic wrap. “Kiana made it, remember?”
“Right.” I nod. “Pregnancy hormones.”
“You better believe it, man.” He shakes his head and sits. “I’m surprised she made it through the Halloween party with a smile on her face. You left kind of early.”
“Parties aren’t my thing.” I shrug and unwrap my breakfast. “You know that.”
Bram and I eat breakfast while he tells stories about my daughter and all the stuff they did over the weekend to get ready for the baby. My grandchild. I’m going to be a fucking grandfather. Bouncing that around in my head makes me think I should be planning for my retirement instead of falling in love. Especially with someone as young as Ainsley. I can’t help it—I’m falling, whether I like it or not.
“Alright, man, I have to get some work done.” Bram stands and tosses the plate in the trash can, then tilts his head slightly. “You break something while you were redecorating?”
“I’m clumsy as fuck, what do you think?” I play it off as well as I can.
“Drinking Red Bull now?” He raises an eyebrow. “That stuff will kill you.”
“Plenty of stuff will kill you, Bram.” I laugh and shrug.
I emptied the garbage can a couple of times, as well as the one we borrowed, but I didn’t get around to doing it after we made our final pass through the office while cleaning up. Bram’s probably suspicious, but he has plenty to worry about, so that’s the end of it. I’m certainly not going to tell him that I caught a beautiful girl trashing my office and let her spend the night on my couch—then spent the next night with her at my apartment.
There was a time when Bram would’ve been the first person I told about Ainsley. I would’ve expected him to give me shit about the age difference but tell me that he’s supportive. That’s what best friends do. I don’t know what he’d do now, especially after the way I reacted when I found out he was dating my daughter. This is something I just have to keep to myself right now. I’m not ashamed of it. I just really don’t care how anyone reacts, supportive or not. I’ll cross those bridges when I get there.
For now, I’ll do my job and miss her.
The end of the day can’t come quick enough. I’m the first one out the door. I don’t even say goodbye to anyone. It’s stupid. It isn't like Ainsley is going to be waiting on me when I get home, but that’s where we shared so much. I’m already thinking about what we shared in my office, so I might as well savor a change of scenery where I can get comfortable and relax. I feel like a teenager again. So full of life. So enthusiastic about things I never expected to be happy about again. The first thing I do when I get home is text her.
Lawson: Still at work?
Ainsley: Taking a break to eat dinner. I picked up another shift tonight. I need as many hours as I can get.
Lawson: Any idea where you’re going to live?
Ainsley: There are some apartments near the restaurant. I’m going to see if there are any ads for roommates. I don’t think I can afford it on my own.
Lawson: What about school? Didn’t you tell me that your mom wanted you to try to go back to college?
Ainsley: That doesn’t seem like an option now. She just wants me out of the house.
Lawson: Have you asked her?
Ainsley: No, we didn’t speak at all today.
Lawson: You should try…
Ainsley: I don’t have enough hours in the day to work, much less go to class.
Lawson: Would you go if you could?
Ainsley: I don’t know. I wasn’t exactly a good student. Well, except for Principal Brooks. ;)
Lawson: You could do anything you put your mind to. You’re very smart. You don’t want to wait tables the rest of your life, do you?
Ainsley: Not really…
Lawson: P
romise me you’ll think about it?
Ainsley: Yes. I will.
We continue to trade text messages until Ainsley has to return to work. I don’t even ask if we’ll get a chance to talk, nor do I ask about the weekend. I assume both are off the table at this point if she is going to work late and try to pick up extra shifts when she can. It sucks, but it isn’t the end of the world. She’s still texting me. She’s still teasing me. We’ll find our way back to each other eventually. I might even have to make a weekend trip to Cedar Grove, just to see her for a few hours if nothing else.
I’m definitely in deep. Maybe even over my head. Fuck it. I’ll drown if that’s what it takes. I’m too happy to bother coming up for air at this point. I’d rather be a fool falling in love than the sad sack of shit I was before Ainsley walked into my life. I don’t want to be that guy again. He had absolutely nothing to live for, and I do.
I reach over and pick up the sonogram on the coffee table in front of me. Yeah, I’m an old man now. I was a kid when I got married, a kid when I went to war, and I was still a kid with two of my own after Kiana was born. I don’t have a right to claim Ainsley’s youth when I wasted my own, but that’s exactly what I’m trying to do.
What’s one more sin when you’re already going to hell?
Chapter Nineteen
Ainsley
Despite everything that isn’t going my way right now, having someone to talk to helps. The only person I used to really have on my side was Sarah, but she never gave me good advice. If anything, she just helped me poison my life. Not that I really needed any help. I’ve managed to screw things up just fine on my own.
Don't Call Me Daddy (Once Upon a Daddy) Page 12
