It was good though, wasn’t it? What we had? Around me, everything grows quiet because there is a sudden peace of what’s next. I tried, and for a time, I succeeded beyond my wildest dreams.
But now, what I accomplished won’t matter. Lavender reads my expression, my focused intent, and her eyes grow wide.
“No no no no no no no no….” she throws her arm toward me in an attempt to stop me and I’m struck by how angelic she looks floating toward me, the gown flying up behind her like wings.
I realize, as the knife slices into my skin and I felt the life leave me, that maybe I was too quick. Maybe, she was trying to stop me because after all of this, she actually did love me.
Did you love me, Lavender?
I crash into the floor and hear the booms of a SWAT team bursting into the home as everything fades to black.
Lavender
41
What happens next feels like a dream.
“Lavender?” I hear Juniper whisper my name and I look at her right as she fades away, her head drooping in front of her and her weight resting on Silas.
No no no no no no no no
Not now. Not after all we’ve been through.
I see him notice her, and pause for a moment as he checks her pulse.
He never tells me if she is still alive. I cannot get to her. I watch her skin turn pasty and I am trying my hardest to kick my way over to her.
And then Silas turns to me and lifts the knife as the sounds of the SWAT team get closer. I know what will come next, but I do not believe it. My hands reach out to stop him and I notice three things all at once.
The way I can feel my body now. The grief of seeing Juniper lifeless and leaning on Silas pushes me to access a strength I did not know I have and I know with certainty it’s Mom holding me up and out and carrying me to where I need to be: with Juniper.
Silas’ eyes as they latch on to me. He slices his throat and I can’t even think about what’s happening because all I see is the blood pool at his feet and him watching me. His mouth moves and I swear he tells me he loves me as the life leaves him. I see an intensity that will forever be etched into my memory, his blood cascading around the room and my gown as he stumbles to the floor. I cannot catch him, and I don’t even try to, because my focus is on Juniper and making sure she’s okay.
Without the barrier of Silas standing next to her, she begins to fold in on herself, the weight causing her to crash to the floor — on top of the man who kidnapped her under the faulty notion that they belonged together. No. No. I will not let this happen. I catch her in my arms as her blood mingles with Silas’ and I slip and fall, crashing into the arms of Simon, who is running into the room behind the SWAT team.
I hand Juniper over to him, and notice his distress and the way his mouth moves in the motion of Juniper’s name but I can’t hear him — I can’t hear anything, and I see Jasper walk in and catch my gaze and I see my entire future in one breath. I collapse into his arms, my sobs racking my entire body, unable to speak or answer any of his questions.
Everything feels like a dream.
Nothing makes sense.
And then, in a moment where I am able to take a breath and look at him, I swear I see the image of a woman leaving the room, her blonde hair flowing behind her like a crown.
Mom.
Epilogue
“Juniper? Have you seen my red heels?”
She walks into my room, the shoes in question on her feet. I balk at her smirk and point.
“Are you — are you wearing my heels? My red stiletto heels?”
The shock is limitless.
She laughs and does a twirl.
“Do they look okay with this dress?”
I sit back on the bed and watch her and grow emotional all over again. She catches the shift in energy and stops mid-twirl, pausing only to lean against the doorframe.
We stare at each other.
“You’re here,” I say.
She nods.
“I’m here.”
She points at me.
“You’re here too.”
I take a breath.
“I am.”
She walks over to me and sits next to me on the bed, laying her head on my shoulder. Since Silas, we’re doing remarkably well. But there are moments, like now, where we have to remind each other we are here — we made it — we’re through it.
“Tell me again about Mom,” she whispers.
And then there’s this.
I’ve told her the story a hundred times already. How I couldn’t feel anything and then I felt everything. How I knew Mom was with me. How I saw Mom leave the room as I passed her off to Simon.
How she saved us.
I won’t ever get tired of telling the story. I reach for her hand and squeeze it, but before I can start talking, a knock sounds at the door and a tall lanky guy peeks in. I smile.
Jasper.
Since moving to Providence, Jasper and I have been inseparable. He is everything I never knew I needed. More than once I’ve had to acquiesce Juniper’s knowing looks and reminders that she knew — she knew even before everything happened — that he was for me.
Simon juts his head in right next to Jasper and they stand there waiting for us to move.
“Sooooo are we going or not?” Simon asks, looking to Juniper for a cue. I love the way he loves her. He holds her in a way that I will never be able to, and it’s been wild to see that relationship solidify. Juniper stands up and reaches for my hand. I walk over to my closet on the way out the door and pick up a spare pair of heels and stick my tongue out at Juniper.
“Those heels look amazing on you, but I need you to know I’m settling in order for you to look amazing.”
She laughs and Jasper turns and looks me up and down.
“I see literally nothing wrong with what you’re wearing.”
I don’t even look at him.
“Yeah, you wouldn’t. That’s the point.”
I keep holding Juniper’s hand and squeeze Jasper’s arm with my other one.
“How are we getting there? Two cars? One?”
And Simon groans.
Juniper laughs.
I know the question irritates him since they live in Newport and Jasper and I live in Providence, but I ask it anyway. Every week. Every double date.
What’s love if not persistent annoyance?
That night, we’re headed to a karaoke bar downtown. When we get there, Juniper and I find a table while the guys go and find us drinks. A song comes on and we see a few people take the stage for their turn and Juniper straightens.
“Ohmigod.”
I look at her, then look at the stage. I can’t quite see it.
“What is it? More sorority girls? A bachelorette party? Some tourists.” I guess everything I possibly can think of but nothing has me prepared for what I see when the crowd parts and I notice Jasper and Simon, grooving to the opening beats of The Weeknd and Daft Punk’s I Feel It Coming.
“Ohmigod,” I echo.
Juniper looks at me and we bust out laughing and then stand up in tandem, dancing to the sound of our men taking the small world of this karaoke bar by storm.
I wrap my arms around my sister and she holds on as we sway and tears come to my eyes all over again.
Jasper catches my gaze and points at me.
You’ve been scared of love
And what it did to you.
You don’t have to run
I know what you been through.
I smile at him, making my hands into the shape of a heart, and continue to sway with Juniper. They step off the stage then, making their way toward our table, and we stop dancing, confused at what’s happening. Simon hands his mic to Jasper as the chorus kicks in and looks at Juniper before kneeling in front of her.
“Ohmigod,” I repeat, my hands flying to my mouth.
Her eyes widen and she puts her hand out, unsure of what was happening. The spotlight turns and shines on our small group and Simon
looks up at my sister, his face expectant.
I hit her arm then with my hand and she blinks and crashes into Simon, her squeal echoing across the bar.
“I think she said yes!” Jasper calls out and I throw my hands up in the air and jump into Jasper’s arms. The beauty of the moment only heightened by what we’d all been through a few short months before.
Juniper pulls herself from Simon’s arms and looks for me, her face streaked with tears. When she finds me amidst the cheers and calls for shots, we fall into each other’s arms, crying and jumping up and down and soaking in the moment.
You guys need each other, Mom had said.
I knew what she meant now.
My mirror. My twin. Forever here.
Acknowledgments
Seven years ago, I woke up from a dream and immediately grabbed my phone. I opened up my Notes and wrote the first sentence introducing me to Lavender and Juniper. I wanted to keep writing - to follow through with this idea. Instead, I focused on finishing Secrets Don’t Keep and kept this one close. I remember talking with my Story Sisters about the premise, and then letting the idea rest.
When I started writing the story three years ago, these were the women who championed me from the beginning. So thank you Amy, Rachel, Laural, and Vicky. Your constant excitement in those early days kept me moving.
Charlie, thank you for being my beta reader and recognizing the small breadcrumbs I would drop along the way for my readers.
Lindsay, thank you for being the best critique partner and editor a girl could ask for — you stay saving me from embarrassing mistakes and massive plot holes. You pushed these characters to be who they are and I am so grateful.
Janell and Barb - my Pleasant Bitches. I am better for your sisterhood and so much of the bond between Juniper and Lavender I gained because of our friendship. Thank you for keeping me sane and honest.
To my Patreons, thank you for believing in this story first. By simply signing up, you gave me the confidence to keep writing and sharing, regardless of the messiness of plot and organization. I’m so grateful you let me share a piece of the process with you and I can’t wait to see what’s next.
Russ, you always wonder how I can watch those creepy-ass shows on Netflix and Hulu. This is why. It’s all compost, love, and you put up with my deep dive into psyche and why people do what they do and the hours I spend writing about them. You champion me in so many ways. I love you.
And Jubal, my little lion man, this is the first book your mama has been able to finish since you came earth side and so much of this accomplishment is shared with your magic and curiosity and determination to live life according to your terms. Keep pursuing what lights your fire, moon baby. I’ll do the same.
To my readers, every single one of you makes me absolutely humbled to be able to do what I do. I’m so grateful. Every review - every email - every comment - they all take up such a huge piece of my heart. I love y’all. Here’s to many, many more books.
About the Author
Elora Ramirez has been telling stories her whole life.
It started when she was four, when she taught herself how to read and write as a way to entertain herself while her grandmother kicked and danced in aerobics class. She cut her teeth on books from Dr. Seuss and writing anywhere she could find the space -- including her Fischer Price kitchenette, the pages of picture books, and Highlights Magazines.
She's matured a bit since then, now choosing to write in the margins of her books.
Intuition and hustle get her through the day, as well as her chef-husband Russell who always greets her with a kiss and their little lion boy who makes it a habit to roar from the front porch.
Stay up to date with new releases and her musings on creativity here.
Also by Elora Nicole Ramirez
Every Shattered Thing
Somewhere Between Water and Sky
Secrets Don’t Keep
Indie Confidence
Join her Patreon community and read her latest manuscript as she writes.
Curious Obsession Page 27
