by Fiona Cole
“When was the last time you talked to Dr. Lane?” he asked, completely missing my exasperation. “I know this time of year can be hard, and I want to make sure you’re taking care of yourself.”
Casting a glance to Kent and Daniel, I immediately looked away when I caught Daniel’s eye, shifting my back to them and growled to Erik, “Can you keep your voice down, please? I hardly think this is the place to ask me about freaking therapy, Erik. It’s not like I’m going to crumble at the drop of a hat.”
His jaw clenched in irritation, but thankfully, he lowered his voice. “I just noticed you getting a bit tense. I wanted to check in.”
Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath, shoving any irritation into the box I keep shoved in the corner of my mind before looking back up. “I’m fine. Really. Just busier with work. I don’t need a session with Dr. Lane. I’ve got barre to help me through any tension I may have.”
“Yeah,” he said skeptically. “Okay. Just let me know if you need anything.”
“I will.” One more deep breath. “Okay, I’m heading to the wine and girl talk.”
“Have fun. Tell Alex to find me later,” he joked.
“Gross.”
Before walking away, I turned and offered a small smile to Kent and Daniel.
Daniel merely lifted his glass and nodded. Because what else would he do? It’s not like we were friends. He was a nice man doing me a favor. He was only an acquaintance. However, when I met his ice-blue eyes, familiarity hit my core like I knew him more.
“Wine?” Alexandra asked, already handing me a glass.
“Why, thank you. Are you old enough to drink?” I joked.
We all laughed at her glare, her age being a long-running joke we poked about with good nature. She was nineteen when she met my brother, who was in his thirties.
“Age is just a number,” Olivia chimed in, as she was dating Kent, who was almost forty.
“What’s the opposite of cougars?” Carina asked.
“Call it what you want,” Alex started. “But Erik’s age doesn’t matter because what he does to me in—”
“Nooooooope,” I interjected, making them all crack up. “Anyway,” I said pointedly, changing the subject to Carina’s daughter. “Where’s Audrey?”
“Probably watching How to Train Your Dragon for the seven-hundred and eighty-second time. She’ll be out for dinner, which I need to finish up.”
“I’ll help,” Olivia offered.
Alex lifted her half-empty glass. “Let me finish my wine, and I’ll be right over.”
We stepped out of the kitchen, so we didn’t get in the way. We’d just made it to the couch when Sean came over.
“Hey, Hanna,” he greeted. His voice was deep and soothing if I took the time to break it down. He really was very attractive, almost like a Chris Pine doppelgänger with those lips.
“Hey, Sean. How are you?” I adjusted my position, facing him fully, and placing my hips against the couch. The added bonus was it gave me more space, and no one could stand behind me.
“Better now.” It was a cheesy line, but it did the trick to make me laugh.
Alex not so subtly bobbed her brows behind her wine glass.
“Sorry, that was pretty corny.”
“A little. I prefer y equals m-x plus b as my favorite one-liner.”
“Oh. My. God,” Alex groaned.
I groaned internally, cringing at my own words. What was wrong with me, saying a math pun to such a cute guy who potentially also thought I was cute?
Sean’s laugh had my eyes snapping open. “That’s a good one.”
“You understood that?” Alex asked.
“I mean, I’m an accountant. Math is my foundation in life.”
Alex shook her head, and I laughed, feeling a little lighter since I walked in.
At least, until he reached out like he was going to push my hair behind my ear, and I jerked back, almost falling over the couch.
His hand froze before dropping. “Sorry,” he muttered.
My entire body flamed with embarrassment. I stared down, not wanting him to see my beet red cheeks.
Idiot. Idiot.
Ringing blotted out any sound, and I tried to breathe deep, hoping it all passed. I was sure that by the time I’d decided to look up, Sean would be long gone.
But Alex, my beautiful, soon-to-be, sister-in-law, saved me. She cleared her throat, pulling my attention to her and asked, “How was barre?”
It took me a moment to process her words, and I blinked.
“Barre?” Sean asked.
Jerking my eyes over, I was so surprised that he hadn’t run as far as he could get from me, I stuttered over my words. “Oh, um…it’s a ballet exercise class.”
One side of his mouth tipped up. “That’s hot.”
“Oh.”
Really, oh? That’s what you’re going to follow that up with? Super smart, Hanna. Sofia reprimanded.
“It totally is,” Alex said, saving the conversation again. “And Hanna is amazing. She’s so flexible and bendy. Super bendy.” She leaned over and bumped her shoulder to mine, rambling away. “I mean, how many talents can one girl have. She’s gorgeous and a math whiz. Pretty much the whole package.”
I stared slack-jawed and shocked at the word vomit; it was like she was trying to get me a job.
“Anyway, Erik looks like he wants me to come talk to him. Nice chat, Sean.”
With that, she headed to Erik, who clearly had his back to her and was engrossed in a conversation with Ian.
A high-pitched, slightly manic giggle broke free as I gathered the courage to turn and face Sean. When I did, I found his full lips pinched, trying to hold back a laugh.
“Sorry about that. It was pretty weird.”
He let his smile free, showing off dimples and perfect, white teeth. “Not at all. Not that she didn’t point out anything I didn’t know.”
“Oh,” I breathed.
I was on a role of eloquence tonight.
“Listen, Hanna. I was wondering if—”
“Dinner’s ready,” Carina called from the dining room.
Sean’s mouth snapped shut and turned into a rueful smile.
“Want to talk after dinner?” he asked.
“Sure.”
By the time we made it to the table, the seats had been filled, and he sat next to his friend, Adam, and I took the one next to Daniel.
“Hey, Hanna.”
I didn’t blush when Daniel said hello. I didn’t stumble over my words. No, instead, I relaxed back in my chair and gave an easy smile. “Hi, Daniel.”
The meal was delicious, filled with laughter and raunchy jokes. Where Carina death glared at anyone who said anything inappropriate. Apparently, they were at a stage in Audrey’s life where she liked to repeat everything.
“I think it’s adorable when she says shit,” Ian praised. “Ow.” He jerked and rubbed his leg where I’m assuming, Carina kicked him. “Fine. It’s wrong, and we shouldn’t encourage it.”
Daniel focused most of his attention on Kent sitting on his other side, and only once turned to ask for me to pass the water carafe. Oddly enough, when our fingers brushed on the handle, I didn’t jerk away like I usually would. Instead, a tingling warmth worked its way up my arm and settled in my chest.
“He hasn’t stopped looking at you this whole meal,” Alex whispered.
I looked past her to find Sean watching me. When our eyes met, he smiled and winked, pulling another blush from me.
What was he going to ask earlier? A date? Would I say no? I wanted to say yes, if for no other reason than to prove I could. But that was the reason behind me going to Voyeur. I wanted to be able to say yes to dates without fearing what it would lead to. I wanted to own my body once and for all.
Go on the dates Sofia surely would have jumped all over. She would have lived a much better life than I currently lived. She should have lived.
Shaking that off, I promised myself then and there that if Sean asked
me out after dinner, I’d say yes.
Except he never got the chance because Adam got a phone call, and Sean was his DD.
I probably could have stood up and walked him out—given him a chance to ask me then. But I decided a wave goodbye was good enough, rationalizing that it would be too much of a pain to ask Alex or Daniel to move so I could get out.
It had nothing to do with chickening out.
Sean and Adam’s departure spurred more until all that was left was me, Daniel, Erik, Alex, Ian, and Carina.
I sat on the couch, holding a very chubby Audrey, playing an intense game of patty-cake, when Daniel plopped down beside me.
“You’re good with her.”
“She’s easy to be good with. And I don’t have any other chances to be around babies, so I take what I can get with her.”
“You want one of your own?”
A pang stabbed my chest when the reality of my situation wasn’t conducive to the children I did want. “Someday.”
Maybe.
The box I hid in the darkest corners of my mind rattled. It whispered that I didn’t deserve to have children when my twin couldn’t have any of her own.
“What about you?” I asked, shoving that thought down.
“Nah. I was around when Olivia grew up, and that was enough for me,” he said with a laugh. “We’re close, and she feels more like my own than my niece.”
“Yeah, maybe Erik and Alex will have babies, and I can love them as my own. That sounds good.”
“Enjoy the good times and drop them off when it gets rough.”
He lifted his knuckles.
Without any hesitation, I bumped my own against his, ignoring the flutter low in my stomach when his mouth kicked up on one side.
“Hanna,” Alex called from her perch on Erik’s lap.
I jerked my attention her way, begrudgingly pulling my attention from Daniel’s smirk.
“Have you decided if you’re going to go to Voyeur yet?”
Erik’s head fell back with a groan. He knew of the plan and firmly disagreed with it.
“She sure is,” Carina answered for me when I remained frozen like a statue. “It’s going to be epic.”
“I want to go,” Alex said.
Erik’s head snapped up, and he glared at her. “No. I’m not going to a sex club that my sister is at.”
“It’s not a sex club,” Daniel said, sounding exhausted from having to repeat it over and over to people.
“You know what I mean.”
Alex, ignoring Erik’s denial, clapped her hands together. “Oooo, let’s make it a girls’ night.”
Having all these women with me, both eased the tension around my heart and tightened it at the same time. Having my friends support me would be amazing, but it would also hold me accountable. They sure as hell wouldn’t let me back out.
“I’m definitely in,” Ian said with his best valley girl voice.
Carina gave him a hell no look and for good measure said, “No.”
“Hey,” he protested. “I can be one of the girls and gossip. We can look at hot boys and compare. Well, not you. You can look at me.”
“Oh, my god, Ian,” Carina said, but it was softened by a laugh.
Daniel heaved a sigh beside me. “Well, I’ll warn everyone you’re coming. It will be interesting if nothing else.”
4
Hanna
“I’m just waiting for Daniel to see me and kick me out,” Olivia said, stretching her neck to look over the crowd.
I looked too, under the guise of helping her keep an eye out. I hadn’t seen him in the entire hour we’d been at Voyeur. Maybe I was so eager to see him because he would be one familiar male face in a sea of unknowns.
Yeah, that was it.
“He can’t kick you out. It’s girls night,” Carina chimed in.
“He’s probably hiding in his office,” Oaklyn added. “He usually does on Saturday nights.” She would know since she’d worked here during a semester of college.
Olivia rolled her eyes, annoyed with the possibility of Daniel ruining her fun. “One of his rules was that Kent didn’t bring me here. But Kent isn’t here, so as long as Daniel doesn’t get weird out here in the lounge with some woman,” she gagged for effect, “We should be good.”
“I thought my relationship was weird,” Alex muttered into her drink.
Olivia hitched her thumb Oaklyn’s way. “Can’t beat the teacher fucker over here.”
Oaklyn slapped her shoulder. “Shut up.”
“I think it’s safe to say we all push the boundaries with our relationships.” Carina held up her glass in a toast. “To kinky relationships.”
We clinked glasses, and I sucked the last of my margarita through the straw. I even swished around the ice to get every last drop. I both loved and hated the two-drink maximum. I could easily give in to my nerves and get drunk, but the rule kept me in check and helped me stay sober, making me aware of every increased beat of my heart.
“Come on, let’s dance,” Carina declared. “Hanna needs to shake her ass in that tiny ass dress.”
“It’s not that small,” I defended, tugging the white fitted material down my legs, only to tug it higher on my chest too. I’d grown to love wearing clothes that made me feel sexy. The first low-cut top I’d worn out had felt like a giant fuck you to the monsters who made me hate my body.
“Nah. But your boobs look great. Also, I’m digging the middle cut out. Very peekaboo.”
My arm wrapped around my middle, not feeling as secure as before leaving the house. The dress was a simple white, but it was fitted with one long sleeve and a slim cutout around my stomach. But now, standing in the crowd of swaying bodies under the lights, I felt naked.
I think the girls noticed my nerves rising by the second and banded around me as we danced. I lost count of how many songs we danced to, but by the time we stumbled off the floor, my muscles were more relaxed from the release of energy than what any alcohol could do.
“I think I’m ready,” I said, lifting my hair off my damp neck.
Oaklyn tipped her head to the right. “Come on, I’ll take you back.”
I followed her to the hallway where the iPads were, standing by as she clicked some buttons to get me to the selections.
Trying to calm my nerves, I asked, “So, you worked here?”
Oaklyn’s fingers froze, and she tipped her head just enough to look at me from the corner of her eye.
“No judgment,” I assured, holding my hands up. “It’s more of a fascination.”
“I did for a little while to help pay for college. It wasn’t too bad, but not exactly my life-long goal.”
I nodded, not knowing what else to say. A pinch ached in my chest, and I realized it was jealousy. Oaklyn was a few years younger than me, but she felt so mature in my mind. She had the sexual freedom I dreamed of. I couldn’t imagine what it took to work here, to put yourself on display like that, and she had. It made me feel immature and emotionally stunted.
“Okay,” she said, stepping back. “It’s all yours.”
I approached the screen like it was a ticking bomb. Daniel had glossed over the selections during our tour, but nothing could have prepared me for the list of options.
Orgy.
F/F.
M/M.
M/F/M.
M/M/F.
BDSM.
Fisting.
I quickly scrolled past that one and made my selection. Missionary, under sheets, some talking, some nudity, low graphicness. Way, way low. Not thinking too hard about it, I hit enter and stepped back.
“Now what?”
“Now, we wait.”
She led me back to the girls at the bar, and I barely focused on anything except the band around my wrist.
“You ready?” Carina asked, almost bouncing in her seat.
“Yes?”
“Oh, come on. This is awesome. You’ve got this, and it’s awesome you’re taking your sexuality into your own hands
. You’re a lady boss, and no one can take that away from you.”
A lump built in my throat, and I forced it down. This woman didn’t owe me anything, and all this was happening because of her.
“Thank you.”
“Anytime,” she said with a wink.
My bracelet vibrated, and I almost fell off my seat.
“You’ve got this,” she said one more time.
I walked down the hall until I reached the designated room.
“Miss Brandt?” a large bouncer asked.
Daniel had explained that each room was protected by a guard to make sure everyone was safe and secure both inside and out of the room.
“Yes.”
“Head on in. Just flip the switch to let everyone know you’re ready to begin. I’m John. Let me know if I can get anything for you.”
He opened the door, and I walked into a dimly lit room that looked a lot like a living room. A large white rug stretched across the floor with a dark leather couch and two chairs on each side. There were end tables and lamps to give the room a soft, warm glow.
The only thing not like a typical living room was the lube, handcuffs, towels, condoms, and a slew of other items on a shelf behind the couch. That and the large, floor-to-ceiling, one-way glass window that let me look into the room beyond, which looked like a typical bedroom. Bed, dresser, nightstand, lamp. It was all so normal.
Turning back to the couch, I saw a binder laying on one of the end tables, and I jumped back when I barely lifted the front cover and saw pictures of purple dildos and who knew what else.
Shaking out my arms and stretching my neck, I tried again and even flipped through the selection of sex toys and extras I could request. A high-pitched giggle broke free at the colorful array of penises laid out. Swallowing, I decide to save those for another time. This was more of a test to see if I could even make it through. I’d watched porn on a computer and got turned on, but to see it in real life would push me to my limits of fears.
I turned back to the closed door and saw the switch. With a shaking hand, I took a deep breath and flipped it up. A green light appeared right on the other side of the window, and I guessed that was the cue to begin. On jello-like legs, I stumbled to the couch and barely perched on the edge.
