dayliGht

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dayliGht Page 4

by Roya Marsh


  Flex, then!

  Oh, you think I’m scared?

  Nigga I crossed the grand concourse without the light

  I still love Kanye

  I still got white friends

  I’ve been to hell

  Trapped inside my own mouth

  a scorching of things I was afraid to say aloud

  You think calling

  me an abomination makes me forget you still wanna fuck me?

  silence a truth, erase a fault.

  do you hear church bell sirens?

  ordain me

  a wannabe

  man hater

  man herself

  Name me anything but beautiful.

  first you pray I’ll call

  then you’ll call me prey

  Today, I renounce my god

  Like Peter

  Like Judas

  Like Longinus

  I renounce my Black

  Like OJ

  Like Tiger

  Like Raven

  Today I’m just a vessel

  that eats pussy

  Even then, someone wants me dead

  in the name of the father

  who reigns when he pleases

  & here I go with the audacity to keep on living

  I’m into going against the grain

  Lord knows I want you to stay

  Pray a roof over your head

  Pray every Dylann Roof away from NYCHA

  that your brother remains your keeper

  Wish your flesh be armor

  I’ll be miscreant

  Evildoer

  the darkness

  and still be the baddest bitch in the plaza

  in broad dayliGht black queer femmes look gala

  issa celebration

  lace front flyin’

  locs whippin’

  that bass beating down to the city of yo’ sole

  ain’t no nerve in yo’ body sleep

  issa ball

  have a ball

  you the honoree

  you made it!

  at least tonight

  the bullshit gon’ have try again another day

  cuz you here.

  in broad dayliGht black stars look like gyrochronology

  astronomers can decipher the age of a star by their spin rate

  the scientific term for this is gyrochronology

  Gyros meaning rotation

  Chronos meaning age

  Logos meaning study

  A study of age through rotation

  my first tattoo was a star

  a branding of sorts

  something to tell my body apart from the others

  My flesh akin to ruin

  akin to loss

  the study of age through rotation

  a preteen

  a toy

  a gun

  a boy

  a bullet

  a barrel

  a trigger

  a finger

  a cell

  a trash bag

  a backyard

  a playground

  a car

  my resolve

  every nigga is a star

  meant for shooting

  not for target.

  q. how do you tell the age of a dead body?

  a. you check for blackness. if no blackness the body will still be breathing.

  b. you pluck a star from its mouth.

  c. the more massive the star, the faster it burns up its fuel supply, and the shorter its life.

  d. the most massive stars can burn out before they finish high school.

  corpses in crosswalks

  rising to the hudson surface

  swinging from trees

  you can’t metaphor modern-day lynchings

  when there are actually modern-day lynchings

  bodies buried beneath me whisper run

  to my ankles between cackles

  I am always weeping

  my love asks why i cry at night.

  Like the stars,

  my tears are most visible in the dark.

  in broad dayliGht black dykes look grilled

  my feminism is visible

  big breasted

  smart mouthed

  often discounted

  & ignored

  always wearing shades or throwing it

  got bottom grillz

  two master’s degrees

  is Teyana Taylor in that Kanye video

  dressed like Queen Latifah in Set It Off

  ain’t woman enough for the straight ones

  ain’t man enough for the gay ones

  sags sometimes when I don’t wear a belt

  shops in men’s departments.

  hard

  but ain’t bullet proof

  is proof of the bullet

  my feminism is Jesus

  the real one

  the black one

  with locs

  on the cross

  no the ankh

  crucified

  broken free

  cupping the world on its bare shoulders

  can carry a baby

  but ain’t too sure about pushing it out

  my feminism is mother

  is a motherfucker

  wish a motherfucker would

  might smile at you but not for you

  will grab trump by his pussy

  even though he’s all asshole

  gets catcalled

  and called dog

  by women who hate how masculine my feminism is

  it don’t make women loyal

  don’t make them stable

  or stay

  gets cheated on

  & called too feminine

  for having feelings about it

  my feminism is exhausted

  of your expectations

  & being judged

  & being denied

  & explaining its own femininity

  in broad dayliGht black abuse victims look gone

  from the one who left

  Used to say I been beaten

  but I’m still here

  fight ain’t over

  I never died

  The trauma did

  “No one is to approach any close relative to have sexual relations.” Leviticus 18:6

  he said it was a nightmare

  he said it was a nervous tic

  he said it was a game

  he never said I couldn’t tell

  I think, that’s why I didn’t

  something in me knew

  this was not

  good news

  worth sharing

  so i swallowed it & him

  Used to say I been beaten

  but I’m still here

  fight ain’t over

  I never died

  The trauma did

  but was born again

  of another man’s mouth

  “Do not envy a violent man or choose any of his ways.” Proverbs 3:31

  he said you are

  your mother’s

  daughter

  but you are my mistake

  said if you didn’t turn around

  the shoe would have hit your head

  not split your lip

  said if you ever tell a soul

  you will need more than a few stitches

  so i tucked this deep

  Used to say I been beaten

  but I’m still here

  fight ain’t over

  I never died

  The trauma did

  but was born again of

  another woman’s fist

  “Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, ‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord.” Romans 12:19

  she said i asked for it

  she said i made her

  she said it wouldn’t be abuse

  if I would just fight back

  said the bruises would fade

  but the love would
grow stronger

  she said i just happen to be around

  at her worst times

  she said playing the victim only makes her hit harder

  she said no one in love

  should have to beg for sex

  she said this isn’t kidnapping

  I just gotta get through her if I wanna leave

  so i stayed

  I used to say I been beaten

  but I’m still here

  therapist on speed dial

  41 empty pill bottles later

  sleepless nights turned morning

  countless exhales

  trauma will never have

  as many revivals

  as triumph

  “The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me, because the LORD has anointed Me to preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound.” Isaiah 61:1

  Victory is the moment I looked my father in the eye and didn’t swing

  Victory is the moment I looked my ex in the eye and didn’t jump

  Victory is the moment I looked my molester in the eye

  and didn’t shoot

  Victory is the moment I look myself in the eye

  & lived

  & loved

  blessed are the wicked

  for they shall inherit

  the courage to love

  bloodlessly

  Blessed are the captive

  for they shall inherit

  the courage to escape

  still breathing

  i

  walked free

  a chance to live again

  the difference between death

  & survival

  how you can dance

  at your own grave site

  the beaten are where they always were

  trying to fight/fuck their rage out of the good around them

  they keep checking the tomb for my remains

  & each time I am gone

  There’s a decade of resurrection Sundays

  buried underneath my tongue

  i am the good news

  consider me the burning bush

  you damn right I’m on fire

  I’ve been carrying the sun on my spine

  intending to light the way

  for the ones who stayed

  in broad dayliGht black thrivers look growth

  or, well-wishes from the other side

  May you learn forgiveness is the whisper in a seashell

  awaiting your ear

  you have bloomed backwards many a season

  still expected to be vase ready

  you prickly and painful

  May you know there are hands crafted to carry bouquets of you

  You burst of blooming burst of Blackness

  May you know light spills like blud and both will lead you somewhere

  someone will need your goodness for pollination

  someone will feed on you

  May you be enough to nourish

  and still be good enough to you

  every tree falls when it’s ready to live differently

  I am worth more than a metaphor for trauma

  painted in florals and fruit, but gardens are beautiful

  and I’ve seen some survive the brutal of winter.

  The thing is,

  I’m healing.

  in broad dayliGht black moms look swollen gland

  or, Langston Hughes tells you of your mother’s cancer 2 months before her 65th birthday

  Sensing death,

  The buzzards gather

  —LANGSTON HUGHES, “DYING BEAST”

  when quality health is in vogue

  & the last bite of the ghetto is devoured

  on the purple checkout line

  at the trader joe’s that replaced the homeless shelter

  where they always got a story about someone they used to know

  where if people suffered, they suffered in beautiful language

  you learn sometimes a body is just too fine.

  there was a buyout & most folks copped out

  but not yo’ mama.

  worked ’til the shelter turned to rubble.

  rubble turn to rinky-dink restaurant.

  that’s what cancer does, gentrifies.

  wraps up a body.

  juice it ’til crust & bald.

  you busy wondering what the blues will bring

  cuz you was always planning to die

  first—

  & now she got cells growing uncontrollably

  that won’t die

  & ain’t no hope in hopin’ she make it through

  & who all gon’ care for you when she gone

  home?

  when the rent due

  ya shorty wildin’

  ya calories addin’ up

  & you six weeks into the dollar menu

  and the doctor say diabetes got a borderline

  & you seekin’ asylum in a food desert.

  you remember you don’t visit cemeteries

  so when it’s time for you to say goodbye

  you better say it well

  you better say it loud

  you remember

  that poison is gentrifying your mother’s body

  if you tryna snuggle up in yours you can’t leave room

  for vacancies or intruders

  you remember the hood as an undying beast

  while the vultures surround

  malignant mall & matinee w/ mimosas

  and just like they did your hood

  they start taking shit out of her body

  they start putting shit into her body

  radioactive chips that prevent her from speaking

  for the meantime, they say.

  for the better, they say.

  the cancer is gone, for now.

  she is home, for now.

  a stomach demolished.

  a thyroid removed.

  a death deferred.

  & you still ain’t made plans.

  you gotta remember, now

  the clock is ticking

  ain’t no coming back from living, again.

  in broad dayliGht black lovers look guest

  I think love is a hotel room

  everything used

  but new

  I arrive with arms full of gifts

  The most precious wrapped

  inside of my chest

  the lampshades bow and the tv won’t even look at me

  I am never more useless

  than in the arms of a woman

  who will check out

  before i even know the sun has risen

  I keep falling for the same women

  dying or dead

  with hearts on

  do not deserve

  I know I am no god

  I know nothing of forgiveness

  I carry such a sadness

  for all the sorries I’ve never received

  to know I cannot hold you close

  to know I cannot forgive

  is to know you are no longer with me

  there are no crossroads

  no latent reunion

  You had no desire to be a lover

  we, a casualty of human nature

  sometimes love is letting you die

  do not disturb

  There must be a way to remind myself

  this bed

  is not a casket

  oh, lucky you

  who gets to be spirit

  I’m forced to remain human

  But we are both daughters

  to someone

  //a glimpse//

  of everything that is good

  and just

  and right

  We right

  & write

  until the world knows of this unspeakable tenderness & our undeserving need

  to be known as legacies

  as daughters


  of daughters

  who may beget daughters

  My pastor once told me,

  in prayer

  I have to use the only words that work

  today it’s fuck

  today it’s die

  tomorrow it may be live or love or or or

  either way you will not respond

  I am learning my posture of worship is my head thrown back

  two middle fingers in the air

  screaming fuck the unworthy

  There are things that I’ve said that did not sound godly

  there are places I have been that look nothing like heaven

  I have been begging a deafened lord to write messages over your heart

  but your funeral is not my burden

  love is no religion

  this is no church

  it’s just this hotel room

  where—like me,

  everything is used

  but seemingly new

  we are significant and other

  the door is calling

  & it’s time

  to check out

  What are the conditions of your freedom?

  acknowledgments

  Wooo! If it wasn’t for the Bronx, this Black girl prolly never would be writin’ poems. Shout out to where I’m from. Uptown Baby, Uptown Baby!

  Sincere gratitude to Danny Vazquez and the entire team at MCD / Farrar, Straus and Giroux for believing, and for pushing and fighting for this project to see the light of day.

  The women in my family are Gz. All of my love and thanks to Grandma Geraldine, whose words I grew up on & continue to live by. You were the wisest and most stubborn woman the world had to offer.

  Ma & Aunty, y’all set the bar high for the woman I always knew I needed to be. Each of you made it possible for me to exist, and there aren’t enough words in all the poems in all the world to amass the supernatural powers each of you possess.

  To my father, for everything that you are and for all of the things that you are not.

  To my siblings: Thank you for lending me your lives. I am the greatest parts of each of you. I learned how powerful I am by watching you all survive.

  Incredible thanks to the next gen & the reasons I grind the hardest: Domo, Larry, Shonyay, Miana, Sierra, Ihsiah, Chancy V., Joseph, Sharissa, Malcolm, Prynce, Autumn, Amazeyn, Bricyn, Alexander, Ariceli, Amari.

  Mad love to my Uncle Lyle & the Walford family & the Moody family & the Claffee families & the White family & the Millender family for sitting on the floors of venues way back when every poem rhymed, for coming to the plays & the documentaries, for buying the books, and for every moment you checked for me.

  The fiercest: Mahogany L. Browne, you’ve been an anchor and armor since the moment we connected. Seester, for picking me up off of the floor (literally), every time. Jive Poetic, you’ve given me more than enough encouragement to believe in myself.2 Whitney Greenaway for reading every version of this manuscript and learning every version of me.

 

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