by Sabina Green
She quickly hugged us both again. “Safe trip! Call me as soon as you land!”
She was waving and calling out instructions at us until we walked around a corner and disappeared from view. It was so strange to be leaving her here. I realised that, even though I’d often picked Ruby up from kindy or took her to the playground on my own, Constance and I have never separated for a large trip.
It was clear that I’ll feel calmer once my daughter joins us, but I didn’t want to bring the mood down, so I put on an especially excited tone and told my granddaughter theatrically: “Onwards to adventure!”
Connie
I couldn’t sleep. When my tears finally dried in the early morning, my head ached from all the crying and no sleep, but I still wasn’t able to doze off. I couldn’t stand just laying in bed, so I paced around the house. I finally understood the meaning of the phrase “like a lost soul”, it seemed like mine had been taken away with Dad and Ruby. I couldn’t keep my thoughts away from them.
I wanted to hear them again desperately, but when the phone call announcing their safe arrival to Auckland came, I suddenly couldn’t wait for the video call to end. Dad and Ruby were tired, but in a very good mood, excited about the festival and all the upcoming adventures, blind to the danger hanging over the world like the sword of Damocles.
They were just in a taxi, on their way to the B&B where they were going to stay the first two nights. Ruby yawned nonstop, still holding onto her stuffed elephant and chattering happily into the phone.
“We’ll call again when we’ve had some sleep,” Dad said and took the phone away from Ruby.
“Alright,” I whispered. How many more times will I be able to talk to them like this? The idea that all we had left were phone calls made my breathing stop.
“You should get some rest too. Maybe you can take a nap before work.”
My work now only consisted of attending a protest I’d completely forgotten about. The loss of physical closeness to my family had erased everything else from my mind. It all seemed so insignificant, so pointless.
But since I’d already agreed to have the virus injected into my body, and since I’d said my final goodbyes to those two, there was no point in sitting at home twiddling my thumbs. I got dressed and forced down a simple breakfast so I had some energy to accomplish my task. It’d completely slipped my mind to ask Mark or Andrew what exactly I was supposed to be doing at the protest, but in the end I decided that my presence alone will be enough.
I drove to the centre and parked right next to the block packed with protesters. I spent some time just hanging around on the pavement, but in the end I merged into the crowd and let it carry me down the long street.
I didn’t let myself think about the occasional encouraging smile from others, or to the fact that we’re actually fighting for a good cause here. The street was packed with bodies, and elbowing each other and stepping on each other’s toes was inevitable. Loud chants about animal rights were mixed with quiet apologies.
Why the hell do we have to spread the plague here of all places, these are clearly considerate people who care about the living standards of innocent animals! But it would have been harder to gather a big crowd of drug addicts fighting for cocaine and heroin legalisation or paedophiles demanding regular access to children.
Andrew had mentioned something about this before. I couldn’t recall his exact words, but it was along the lines of how the whole population was so tightly interconnected, that you always reach good people through the bad–criminals need their victims, and vice versa–criminals must have parents, siblings, blissfully ignorant acquaintances.
I wandered through the crowd for hours. I was overcome by coughing fits, expecting to be asked to leave any minute now, for the risk of spreading a disease, but everyone probably assumed it was just an ordinary cough, and nobody paid me any attention.
Suddenly I felt a wave of anger rise within me. I was furious with The Collective for having forced me into this position, without any way out. I ignored the fact that the decision to be a primary virus carrier was entirely my own, because really, I’d been manipulated. They made it so that I’d connect all the dots and arrive at the desired reaction. I’d thought that I’d be saving the world from evil, but I was robbing myself of precious moments with those I loved more than my own life.
More than my own life…
“Connie!” someone shouted behind me.
I turned to face the familiar voice. Mark made his way through the crowd.
“I thought it was you!” he smiled.
All of my anger diminished. I wasn’t unhappy to see him, but all I could really think about was how much happier I would have been to see two other faces.
A coughing fit came over me and, as if out of solidarity, he started coughing too. I took a closer look at him and noticed how unusually pale he was, drops of perspiration of his forehead and dark bags under his eyes. I must have looked similar.
“Aren’t we a pair,” I said dully. I expected him to laugh, but he didn’t. Who could blame him? We were dying of a plague, after all.
“How do you feel?” Mark asked while looking at me, wrinkle forming between his eyebrows.
What was he asking about? My physical state? Or my broken heart? He didn’t have family, a partner, or close friends, but he’d had his Grandma, the only kindred spirit he had been able to lean on during his life.
Surely, he knew that everything in me was dying, that I couldn’t breathe–not because of symptoms of the flu or bronchitis, but because I would never see my family again.
I didn’t answer and gazed out into the distance over his shoulder, as if I could find some answers there. He didn’t seem to mind my lack of reaction. He took my hand in his and squeezed it. I was so desperate for some human connection that I didn’t pull away. He motioned forward with his chin, although the crowd was moving slowly. There wasn’t anywhere to go. Should we turn around and go back?
“I know,” he whispered, voice rough. I didn’t know what he meant by that, but it didn’t matter.
We hadn’t known each other very long or very well, but it still hurt to say goodbye when the protest was over.
The streets were crazy, there were traffic jams all over the centre, only a few cars made it through each of the green lights, we were waiting for ages. But I barely noticed. I was almost home when I changed my mind and drove to the station. Hadn’t I sworn to infect as many criminals as possible?
I didn’t go into the office as normal. I wanted to stay as far away from the sergeant, Emma and my other colleagues as possible. I knew that they would also succumb to the plague, I simply didn’t want to be the one who gave it to them. No, I stayed in the hall, brimming with our “clients” coming in for a check up and a sign off. I’d seen them so many times I could link some faces to names or offences.
I forced myself to a friendly chit chat with the women at the desk, luckily somewhat protected by the glass barriers, and aimed all my sneezing and coughing at the mixture of violent offenders, drug dealers, petty thieves and perverts in the hall. I peeked over their shoulders, interrupting them when they were talking to each other or to the girls. In other words, my behaviour was totally carefree. Some guys got annoyed–who the hell did I think I was, stomping my feet and breathing down their necks? They hissed at me and one even got so close that our noses almost touched.
“Get the hell outta here bitch, or you’ll get it,” he growled so that I was the only one who could hear him.
I felt a tickling in my nose. Without even bothering to cover my mouth with a hand, I sneezed and watched as several drops landed on the man’s face.
His eyes widened in surprise. He sucked in a breath and his chest puffed up like a toad. Would he dare hit me right at a station full of policemen? I was certain that if we were just around the corner, hidden from view, he wouldn’t hesitate, but here?
<
br /> All of my hatred towards violence, cruelty and indifference suddenly bubbled up to the surface. I’d spent years and years watching criminals avoid punishment for their crimes and walk away free, without having anything to do about it. But now?
I felt like laughing. None of these shady creatures, looking at me like I was their next victim, had any idea that it was me who had the upper hand!
I finally understood Mark’s need to end it all once and for all.
“Bitch?” I repeated after him, my voice heavy with sarcasm. “Can’t you think of something a bit more original?”
This was a private joke between me and the girls at the station. We were called cunts, dickheads, sluts, and wankers so often that we were genuinely appreciative of any comment which steered away from this tired set of insults. My personal favourite was an anonymous phone call–I’ll shove my baseball bat up your ass and make you a popsicle!–, because Get lost you slag! and Fuck off! didn’t have the same ring to them.
I laughed out loud, registering Emma’s shocked expression out of the corner of my eye. She didn’t know me like this. Was she wondering if I’d gone crazy? I probably had.
I’d had enough for today. I threw her one last look and mentioned that I had to get going. Walking to my car, I couldn’t miss the two policemen walking out with me. It happened to be the same two that were dealing with my car crash a month ago. I guess they were making sure that I made it behind the wheel in one piece after that crazy stunt I pulled.
Their worries were pretty accurate, because the guy I’d so eagerly sputtered all over sneaked out just a few seconds later. I hope you’re not a resilient individual, I thought. I started the car and drove off.
I got home and started pacing back and forth again, but only until the adrenalin from the confrontation at work wore off. Then I collapsed onto the sofa and fell asleep, exhausted.
I was woken up by a ringing phone. By sheer force of will I managed to open my eyes and look at the kitchen clock. I’d only been asleep for forty five minutes, and both my body and mind were limp.
I pinched my cheeks a few times to get some colour into them before answering Dad’s call. He didn’t need to see his daughter looking like death.
He wasn’t fooled. “Are you sick?”
“I think I might be coming down with something.” There was no point in lying to him. Maybe I’d found a good-enough excuse, a justifiable reason why I can’t join them in New Zealand.
Instead I asked about their trip that day. Ruby was so exhilarated she could barely breathe. I didn’t want her to be afraid or panicking, she should remain a carefree child, for as long as possible.
I wondered how long it would take before Dad found the letters I’d hidden into her suitcase. Or has he found them already? That seemed unlikely, surely he wouldn’t have left Ruby chatter on for so long. He wouldn’t be smiling and nodding, he’d be demanding an explanation.
“How did it go at work?” Dad asked when Ruby finally reached the end of her tale and couldn’t remember any more details from the amazing experience.
“It was busy. Hectic,” I replied quickly. At the end of the day, I wasn’t lying, I had seen the station busting with activity today. The fact that I wasn’t working had nothing to do with it. “I’m glad I’m back home.”
“We’ll wait for you at the airport tomorrow. You’re getting in at ten past five, is that right?”
I sat up slowly. I’d fulfilled my duty to The Collective. There wasn’t really anything else keeping me in Perth.
“Yep!”
I couldn’t bear the thought of never seeing them again and planned to catch my flight after all. Plus, Mark only forbade me from going to New Zealand because of the protest yesterday. I did what I’d promised and attended. The Collective’s list of events was much longer–a film festival, a large farmers market in Perth, a classical music concert–, they all needed our attendance. However, I wasn’t tasked with any of those. I didn’t have to feel bad for putting it all to the side and spending the next two hours packing my suitcase.
I’d only added a few of my own things and used most of the space for Dad and Ruby. Since Dad had only packed a few clothes and other essentials, I decided to bring over most of the stuff he’d left behind. I also added more of Ruby’s clothes and some toys, mainly those that would occupy her for a longer time. When they’re stuck in their hideaway in Rotorua, how will they fill all those empty days? Instead of stuffed toys I decided to pack several boxes of puzzles and games, LEGOs, colouring books, a thick empty notebook with crayons and a sharpener, Barbie and Ken dolls, a big box of beads and nylon threads for Ruby. I packed some new books I’d picked up at the nearest bookshop, a book of crosswords, and a sudoku for Dad.
It was a lot easier to fall asleep than I would have thought. It took several hours of blissful unconsciousness before the first nightmare found its way to my mind. Sick figures were staggering through a world I didn’t recognise. Flesh peeling away from their bones in large chunks, their eyes set deep within their skulls. They groaned and clawed at me, leaving bits of skin, nails and flesh on my arms. What did they want from me? To help them? They were clearly beyond anybody’s help!
I jerked awake, breathing heavily to calm myself down. I sincerely hoped that I wouldn’t look like that when the end was near. Ruby would never recover from that sight.
I didn’t dare take a sleeping pill for fear of missing my flight. I spent the rest of the night tossing around in bed, checking the time every few minutes but it seemed time had stopped.
The sound of my phone ringing just before dawn felt like salvation.
“Did we wake you?” Dad asked apologetically. “Ruby couldn’t wait any longer. We’ve been up for a few hours and you’re all she’s talking about. We had to call you.”
I remembered the time difference, the two of them must have gotten used to it fairly quickly. “Not at all. Actually, I couldn’t sleep anyway.”
“You seem tired,” Dad admitted without hesitation. “Must be travel anxiety.”
I latched onto that. “I’ll calm down as soon as I’m with you again. I’m sure I’ll be able to sleep better after that.”
I felt an unbelievable sense of relief that I didn’t have to go through that terrifying conversation, telling Dad the news. That I wouldn’t be going to New Zealand and they were on their own. The effect of it was so positive that I managed to talk to them almost happily, and even crack a few jokes.
I reached the airport early. It hardly mattered if I waited there or at home, but I wanted to be sure I wouldn’t miss the flight because of some traffic accident.
It had taken a few hours and my high spirits were gone. I started to have doubts again. Was going to New Zealand the right thing to do? What if The Collective scientists had made a mistake in the equation? Was there some possibility that Dad and Ruby could be infected by me, despite the vaccine? What if I ended up being the one who gave them the plague?
I could still change my mind but why should I? Ross had sworn that Dad and Ruby would be absolutely fine and that contact with infected people would cause them no harm.
Anyway, a reunion with Dad and Ruby was the only light at the end of a tunnel, and I was selfish enough to succumb to the need to see them again.
I sat down on a nearby bench, put my suitcase down next to me and kept an eye on the departure board. Time was dragging as much as last night, but I didn’t mind. I could already see myself getting off the plane and running towards an overjoyed Ruby and a relieved Dad.
A short chirp alerted me to an incoming text from Mark. “What are you up to?”
“I’m at the airport.” He could do whatever he wanted with that information. I’m getting on that plane no matter what, nobody can stop me.
“That’s a good idea.”
I frowned and it took a while to realise what he meant. He clearly assumed that I’
d come to the airport with the single purpose to infect more people. There were heaps of them around. Given how much I was sneezing and coughing, I would definitely end up doing that. But it wasn’t my intention now.
“I wanted to make sure you’re ok, Connie.”
I thought about all the people I’d infected yesterday. I had felt a certain sense of satisfaction at the police station, but what about at the protest? I hadn’t felt good about that at all, only guilty. If Andrew and Mark were right and the death rate was a hundred percent, the people from the street would have died either way. But it had been my fault.
Have I become a monster? Was I only after my own needs and my own survival? Not my own survival, I corrected myself. The survival of my loved ones.
“Are any of us really ok?” I texted back.
He replied straight away. “I guess not…” And after a moment: “Do you want company?”
What if he tried to change my mind and stay? “I need to be alone today.”
“Alright.” he typed and became silent. I felt sorry for him. I had the reunion with my family to look forward to now, but what did he have? Would he die alone?
After that I tried not to think about anything to do with The Collective. I focused on imagining Ruby at the festival yesterday, screaming in delight at the sight of mermaids in a big tank, probably thinking they were real. And then her reaction to the unicorns!
The wait was a little more bearable that way. I was one of the first at the check-in desk. I walked through passport control and the airport to my gate without any trouble, positioning myself to the side of everyone else. I used cough drops to combat the fire in my throat, and popped Paracetamol and Zyrtec like candy in the hopes of stopping the runny nose and sneezing. I’d started feeling a lot more chest pains; the plague must have found its way to my lungs. There was nothing I could do about that, though.
I waited for the other passengers to get on before boarding the plane myself.
I got to my seat and realised with horror that I was seated next to a young mother with a little girl, roughly Ruby’s age. They both smiled at me and I felt a jolt in the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t do it again: be responsible for the death of these two innocent people, especially when the girl reminded me of my own daughter.
