by Barbara Dee
Praise for
Halfway Normal
“A powerful story not only about illness, but about accepting yourself for who you are—no matter the experiences that shaped you.”
—Kirkus Reviews, starred review
“In writing this remarkable novel, Barbara Dee has performed an amazing feat. She has traveled to places you hope you will never have to go and then drawn a lovely, heartbreaking, warm, funny, and ultimately hopeful map of the way back home.”
—Jordan Sonnenblick, author of DRUMS, GIRLS, AND DANGEROUS PIE
“Barbara Dee has an unfailing sense of the dynamics of middle school social life. Spot-on portrayals of friends and family relationships frame a powerful main character who’s determined to find her way back. Halfway Normal has a brave, kind heart—as tender and triumphant as the main character herself.”
—Karen Romano Young, author of HUNDRED PERCENT
For Alex
THE GIRL WHO
The second I stepped into the room, somebody screamed.
I turned to look behind me—for a rock star, or a grizzly bear, or the Loch Ness Monster. But no one was following.
The scream was for me.
“Norah Levy! Omigod! It’s Norah Levy!” Two girls jumped up from their chairs to smother me in a hug. Kylie Shen and Aria Maldonado, who smelled like bubblegum-scented shampoo. Or shampoo-scented bubblegum.
“Hey, hi,” I managed to say.
They pulled away.
“Omigod, Norah, this is so great, how are you?” Kylie squealed. She had the kind of voice that took over a room, even though she was tiny. Not as tiny as me, though.
“Pretty good, actually,” I said.
“Well, you look amazing,” Aria said. She gave me a pep-talk sort of smile and bounced on her toes.
“Incredible,” Kylie agreed. “And I love your hair!”
“Yeah, Norah, you look so cute in a pixie cut.”
I ruffled my hair, much shorter than it used to be, but finally long enough to be a style. “Thanks. It dries really fast. And no tangles, so.”
“I wish my mom would let me get a short haircut,” Aria said. Which was insane. Besides, with her warm brown skin and her height, no way could Aria look like me, even if she got permission.
“Everyone, please take your seats,” boomed the homeroom teacher, a man I didn’t know from before. A gym teacher, by the look of his track pants.
Kylie grabbed my arm. “You’re sitting with us, Norah,” she informed me.
“Hey, aren’t you the girl who—” Now a boy I didn’t recognize was talking to me. Oh, wait a sec. Right. His name was Malik. Malik Thrash. As if it was possible to forget a name like that.
“Malik, don’t be rude,” Aria snapped at him.
“I’m not rude,” he protested. “How was I being rude?”
“You shouldn’t make Norah talk about it.”
“It’s okay,” I said. “Yes, I’m definitely The Girl Who.”
“That’s so funny. The Girl Who. I like that!” Kylie laughed, a little too enthusiastically.
Malik looked confused. “Sorry, Norah. I just didn’t expect to see you. I heard—”
Aria and Kylie popped their eyes at him.
“People should shut their mouths if they don’t know what they’re talking about,” Kylie said. “And they should also consider other people’s feelings.” She petted my arm. “Don’t pay any attention to him, Norah.”
“It’s fine,” I said.
I realized then that everyone was watching us. Delete that: They were watching me. Mostly, they were giving me out-of-the-corner-of-their-eyes looks, like they were trying to be subtle, but a few kids were flat-out staring. So I wiggled my fingers in a sort of general hi, but they got embarrassed and turned away.
What was that about? Were they doing a before-and-after? Maybe I looked weirder than I thought I did. I patted my hair with a sweaty hand and tugged at my orange tee. Why hadn’t I protested when Mom bought me orange? And why had I put it on this morning? I looked like a Cheeto in a hazmat suit.
Then I pretended to read my schedule. First period was math, where at least I’d be with my best friend, Harper. (I knew this because I’d texted her the second my schedule showed up in my mailbox; she called back to tell me gossip about all the teachers, including how our math teacher handed out Smarties during tests.) My other good friend, Silas, wasn’t in math with us, but maybe we’d be together in English or science. So if I could just make it through morning homeroom—
“Norah Levy?” the homeroom teacher called as he hung up the classroom phone. “You’re wanted in Guidance.”
“Now?” I glanced at the clock. “But it’s almost first period.”
“Right. Ms. Castro says she needs to see you before first.”
“You want me to come with you, Norah?” Aria asked.
I looked at her. “What for?”
“Just . . . you know, so you don’t get lost.”
“I can find it. But thanks.” I stuffed my schedule into my backpack. In some zippered pocket was a map of the building, but I’d check it in the hallway. Not here.
“Whoa, your backpack looks heavy,” Malik said. “If you want, Norah, I could help—”
“Nope, thanks, got it,” I said.
A girl moved her chair out of the way to let me pass. “Sorry,” she murmured. Apologizing for what? The fact that her chair had been in my way, and now wasn’t? The fact that everyone was acting like I was made of cloud wisps and dandelion fluff, and one false move and I’d blow away forever?
“No problem,” I said, feeling the scorch of everyone’s eyes as I fled the room.
ALL BEHIND YOU NOW
Some nights in the hospital when I couldn’t sleep, I played a game called Room. The way you played was: You picked a real room from real life and tried to name as many details as possible. This was so boring it usually put you to sleep right away, which of course was the whole point of the game.
Although once in a while it didn’t work—and you ended up wasting hours and hours just lying there, thinking about the room you’d picked, listing all the chairs and ceiling cracks and books on the bookshelves. And then, if you ever did return to that room, you still had a weird feeling about it in your stomach. Like: Why did you keep me up all night, Room? What did I ever do to you, anyway?
The funny thing was, this was exactly how I felt as I sat in Ms. Castro’s office. She was the seventh grade guidance counselor, so obviously I couldn’t have been in her office before this very minute. All the details here were completely new to me: the cute baby animal posters. The puzzles and the fidget toys. The red geraniums along the windowsill. So there was no reason to feel that the room was against me; really, I could tell it was trying hard to welcome me.
“Norah Levy?” A tall, plump woman with shoulder-length no-color hair and complicated earrings suddenly burst in and was giving a damp hug that smelled like coffee. No reason to still be sensitive to smells, the doctors said. It’s just in your head by now, Norah.
The woman finally released me. “I’m Ms. Castro, your guidance counselor. And let me say I couldn’t be happier to see you back here!”
Which was an odd thing to say, considering she’d never seen me before this minute.
“Thanks. I’m really so glad to be back. Well, not back,” I corrected myself. “I mean, back at school.”
“Yes,” she said, fixing large, sympathetic eyes on me. “I can’t even imagine what the last two years have been like for you.”
I nodded. If it wouldn’t sound snarky, I’d tell her she was right: Yes, you couldn’t imagine. But probably better just to nod.
“And how are you?” She cocked her head. I knew this question and the head-cock from several moms in our
neighborhood. It meant: But how are you REALLY? You can tell ME.
“Okay,” I said. “Maybe a little tired.”
“Oh, and how could you not be! With what your body has been through.” She shook her head, jangling her earrings. “Well, it’s all behind you now.”
All behind me. I kept nodding, because what else could I do?
“Although let me give you some advice, Norah: Take it slow. Anytime you need to rest during the day, just go to the nurse’s office or come here. Everybody understands! And if they don’t, tell me, and I’ll be happy to explain, all right?”
“Thanks,” I said.
But I was thinking: You haven’t said it yet. How could you explain me to anyone if you couldn’t even say the word?
I had CANCER, Ms. Castro. The gods don’t zap you with it if you say it out loud.
“It’s no problem, Norah, believe me.” She clasped her hands on her chest. “And you’re finding everything all right?”
“Well, my map got me to the guidance office. So yeah.” I tried a smile. On the long list of Weird Things I Had to Deal With, one was the fact that while my classmates had been here since fifth grade, I’d spent the last two years either at the hospital or at home. So while I wasn’t new to most of the other kids, I was new to this building. Also new to middle school in general, but that was another thing.
“Ah, perfect! So you won’t need this map I printed.” Ms. Castro swiveled her chair toward her desk, which was crowded with family vacation photos: a bearded guy, Ms. Castro, and three kids hiking, swimming, skating, rafting. All of them flashed big white teeth as they squinted into the sun. They looked like they never even got the sniffles.
“Let’s see what other goodies I have for you!” Now Ms. Castro was sorting through a stack of papers. “Oh yes, you’ll be happy to hear I’ve arranged for you to have an elevator key!”
That surprised me, because my legs worked just fine. “What for?” I asked.
“Only to conserve your energy. Your homeroom is up on the third floor, and so are a few of your classes. And the stairs are always very crowded. So this way—”
“Oh, but I’d much rather use the stairs.”
“You sure, dear? There’s no shame in using the elevator.”
“I’m not ashamed. I just really don’t need it.”
Maybe my voice sounded too sharp. She blinked at me. “Well, I’ll keep the key card here for you, just in case you change your mind.”
But I won’t, I thought.
Ms. Castro opened a desk drawer and slipped the key card inside. Then she popped a mint Tic Tac into her mouth, offering me one, which I didn’t take. How did she not know that kids didn’t eat mint Tic Tacs, that they were a grown-up thing? If you’re a guidance counselor, you should know stuff like that.
“All right, next item,” she said. “On Friday, I had a long chat with your tutor. It sounds like Ayesha worked you very hard, especially in math and science.”
Just hearing my tutor’s name made me smile. “Yeah, but we read a lot too. The Golden Compass, everything by Rick Riordan, The Chronicles of Narnia, the Enchanted Forest Chronicles, Alice in Wonderland, a whole bunch of Greek myths—”
Ms. Castro smiled. “She says you ‘impressed the pants off her.’ ”
Now I was grinning. Working with Ayesha was the only good thing about the past two years. She was the coolest person I’d ever met, and ridiculously smart. Not only that, but she understood me. She’d been me, or a patient like me, when she was thirteen, so everything I was going through—all the is-this-a-bad-dream-or-am-I-awake stuff—was totally familiar to her.
“Anyway,” Ms. Castro continued, exhaling mint fumes, “after taking a long look at your test scores, and considering what you covered with Ayesha, we’re wondering if it makes sense for you to start the year in eighth grade math and science.”
“Wait,” I said. “What?”
“Norah, you’ve always been an extremely strong student. And it does appear that while you were out”—she said “out” instead of “sick”—“you’ve completed the curriculums for seventh grade math and science. Don’t you think it would be silly to repeat it all?”
“But I don’t mind!”
“Well, but shouldn’t you mind? You’re a very bright girl. Why would you want to waste a whole year when you could move forward?”
I couldn’t argue, not if she put it that way. Not wasting more time was a big thing with me these days. And moving forward was even bigger.
Still, my stomach was flipping like a caught fish. “But I’m still in seventh grade?” I managed to ask.
Ms. Castro nodded so hard her earrings jangled. “Oh yes, absolutely! All your other classes are with your friends. You’re still in a seventh grade homeroom, and you have seventh grade lunch. Just for two classes a day, we’d like to see you move ahead, because the fact is, you’ve already gone ahead. And I have to say, your hard work in spite of your illness inspires us all!”
I didn’t work hard on purpose, I replied in my head. I just did it because—well, what ELSE was I supposed to do with all that time?
Also: She said “your illness.” Still hasn’t called it by its name.
“What about my parents?” I asked.
Ms. Castro widened her eyes. “What about them?”
“Did you talk to them? About this moving-ahead business, I mean?”
“We mentioned that we were considering the switch, yes. And I told them that first I wanted to discuss it with you.” But she handed me a new schedule, which made me realize she’d already decided everything, even before I walked into this office. “So here you go, then, Norah. You’ll be in Ms. Perillo’s first period math class and Mr. Hennesy’s fourth period science. They’re wonderful teachers, very understanding, and they’re both aware of your whole story.”
My whole story. About the time I was “out.”
WITH CANCER. I HAD CANCER, MS. CASTRO. ACUTE LYMPHOBLASTIC LEUKEMIA.
I swallowed. “But I don’t know any eighth graders.”
“Yes, we considered that, but there are some lovely girls in those classes. Thea Glass is one of our student leaders, and a terrific athlete. And Astrid Williams is head of the Art Club.”
Good for them. What does that have to do with ME?
“Norah,” Ms. Castro said in a softer voice, “we certainly don’t want to pressure you, and we know that coming back after such a long absence will be a challenge all by itself. So why don’t we say this: Start the term in these two eighth grade classes, and if you’re not comfortable for any reason, we can always switch you. But it would be harder to switch you up a grade than down, so really, it makes sense to start this way. Do you want to try?”
I couldn’t think of a way to argue with that logic, so I nodded.
Ms. Castro beamed. “That’s excellent! And I’m sure Ayesha will be pleased too. Shall we head upstairs together now?”
“Actually, I’d rather go myself. I mean, I can find the rooms.”
“I’m sure you can! Well, you should get going, then. Homeroom’s almost over.” All of a sudden, she grasped my cold hands in her big, soft ones. “Norah, I want you to feel that this office is your safe place. Whenever you need a quiet moment, or a cup of hot cocoa, the door is open. I’m here for you. We all are. Anything we can ever do, please let us know.”
“Can I keep that maze thing?”
“Excuse me?”
I pulled my hand away to point to the toy collection on the small table.
“Honey, with what you went through”—CANCER! IT’S CALLED CANCER!—“go right ahead. Take whatever you like—the Rubik’s Cube, the Silly Putty, anything!”
“Actually, I was just joking,” I said, immediately sorry about my lame attempt at humor. One of the things about cancer: People were always giving you stuff—crocheted hats, balloons, stuffed animals. Like they could make it up to you with a pad of Mad Libs and a Pokémon key chain. And sometimes you had to let them, because you felt sorry for them
. I mean, really, what else could they do?
But I didn’t feel sorry for Ms. Castro. She had too much loud, jangly energy, and I wasn’t even sure that I trusted her.
And now she was eyeing me in a way that made me stare at the carpeting. “Remember what I said, Norah. Stop by whenever, for any reason. And I’ll be checking in with you often.”
“You really don’t have to,” I said, stuffing the new schedule into my backpack.
NICE HAIRCUT
My cancer treatment took two years. Most weeks I spent at Phipps-Davison hospital, getting meds “delivered” (that’s the word they used) into this tube stuck in my chest. Sometimes, especially when I had a fever or was just feeling extra awful, Dr. Glickstein and Dr. Yorke made me stay at the hospital overnight. Other times I was there just during the day: I’d be assigned a bed in the section they called the “day hospital,” and get my meds through an IV while I was resting, reading, watching videos, even doing crafts in the playroom. (Yep, a playroom—the Pediatrics floor had so many little kids they needed a special room for all the Legos.)
When we knew it was possible for me to return to school in the fall, the doctors begged me to wait.
“Just until October first,” Dr. Yorke said. “Norah, your immune system has taken quite a hit from all the cancer meds, and we need to wait six months before we can revaccinate you. So if you go back to school right now, you’ll be a target for every germ out there. And as we know, schools are germ factories!”
But Mom and Dad insisted I start school in September, along with all the other kids.
“Just like normal,” Dad told the doctors.
“As normal as possible,” Mom said, pretending to smile.
They wouldn’t give up, and finally, the doctors surrendered. I guess they realized that after controlling everything about my life for the past two years—what I ate, how many glasses of water I drank, how many times I went to the bathroom—their supreme powers had finally expired.
But just because Mom and Dad had won that battle, it didn’t mean things were back to normal for me. Because now my parents decreed their own hypernervous List of Parental Back-to-School Rules:
