“I don’t want to go out with someone who cheats,” I say. “I just don’t.”
“But it wasn’t my fault.” He’s nearly crying.
In my head, I have a picture of me hugging him, saying it’s okay, it’s okay, I didn’t want to make you feel bad, and him sniffling and apologising. I look at it for a half second, consider it. In the picture, I put out my other hand to him and he grabs it. So far so good. But then he pulls me closer and moves in to get to my mouth and immediately I feel bad again.
Uncomfortable.
Out of my depth.
Used.
I shake my head. “It was your fault. You could have said no.” I pull my hand out of his, feeling the sweat and the skin and the cling of the ownership he’s had over me for so many months, and I begin to walk away.
“Please don’t,” he says. “Please?”
I turn back. “I actually like you, Liam. At least, I did. But I can’t be with someone who treats me badly.”
His face turns hard. “You won’t be with anyone then,” he says. He spits the words out. “I did you a favour, asking you out. And having you in our group. Everyone was like, ‘really, her? The deaf girl?’ when I first started to hang out with you. You won’t have anyone, you know.”
A cold shake goes through me. One part of my head is screaming. It’s true. Say sorry. Take what you’re given. But the other part, the strong part who knows now that she can climb a mountain and rescue her grandmother; the part who’s sick of the hassle, who’s strong enough now, shakes her head. She’s not upset. She’s just bored. You’re fine, she says to me. You’ll be fine. Walk away.
I make a little face. “I think I’ll take my chances,” I say and head up the path.
“Caitlin and Olivia are scrags,” he yells after me. “And so are you. You’re going to regret this.”
I turn back.
“I’ve dealt with worse,” I say. And I smile. Because I have. And I’ve survived.
And I know I don’t need to go back.
Chapter 31
I do, however, need to go to the nearest bathroom.
I’m okay walking up the path while Liam is watching me. My legs work fine. My breathing is normal. But as soon as I’m out of his sight everything kind of falls apart. My bones seem to disconnect and to even keep my bag on my shoulder I have to think about which fingers are holding it and how they’re connected to my arm and my shoulder and my back. I’m taking jerky steps, kicking my feet out in front of me and making little chest noises that I can’t control.
Urrugmph. Eehh.
Time to find cover.
I head to the girls’ toilets, slide into a booth and collapse onto a toilet seat.
Did I just…?
Yes. I did.
I wait for the tears to come, for the rush of emotion, the great moment of ‘aaaaahhhh’ you get when everything just falls out of you. But there’s no prickle of wet, no welling up or spilling out. Nothing.
Okaaaay, I say to myself. Surprising. But not bad.
I’m blinking a little. Half smiling. Just waiting to see what’s going to happen, but there’s still no big outpouring. No overwhelming reactions.
Instead, it’s just a quiet feeling of peace. I hold my hand up to my heart.
I break up with my boyfriend, and it feels like this?
I can hardly believe it. I wriggle my fingers and toes. Everything seems to be reconnected. My feet try out a few steps. They can walk. Everything works like it should, and I feel fine. I put a picture of Maths, my first class of the day, into my head, just to see what the reaction is. There’s a bit of nervousness as I imagine finding a seat and telling the teacher where I’ve been, but when I think about looking over and seeing Liam sitting with Angela, I actually feel okay.
So, I guess I’ll go then, I tell myself in the mirror and give myself an experimental thumbs up. But just as I’m heading through the door and about to turn the corner out onto the path, I can hear faint crying and fast footsteps and then, bam, I’m bumped out of the way by a bag and a plait and a girl, no, two girls, who are heading straight into the bathrooms I’ve just come out of.
I shake myself. Focus my eyes. “Olivia? Caitlin?”
One of the crying, running dervishes stops and whirls around. “Jazmine?” she says.
The other one turns around as well. “Is is true?”
“Is what true?” I ask.
“That Liam broke up with you?” says Caitlin. Her face is white, voice broken with tears. “We heard it from Dan just now.”
“Is that what he’s saying?” My eyebrows are high. A laugh escapes from my stomach. “Wow.” I shake my head. “Just, wow.”
“Did he?” asks Olivia. Her eyes are huge. Saucers on her face.
“We broke up,” I say. “But he didn’t break up with me.”
Olivia’s eyes are dinner plates. Caitlin’s face is even paler than before. “Really? So it’s not true, then.”
“What’s not true?”
“That you cheated on him.” She says it in such a tiny, breathless voice that I can hardly hear her.
Now I have to laugh out loud. “Seriously? That’s what he’s saying? That’s ridiculous.”
“You should go and tell everyone it’s not true,” says Olivia. Her lip is quivering. “You don’t want rumours like that to go around.”
For a second I think, yeah, she’s right and the beginning of a rage of injustice rises up from my toes but it only gets to about my knees before I see it for what it is: totally nuts.
“You know what?” I say, and I shrug, a big one, right up to my ears. “Who cares? He wants to spread stories, so what? I know it’s not true. And I’d rather just get on with my life.”
Caitlin drops her bag. Her whole body is incredulous. “But… what life? Haven’t you heard? They’re chucking you, us, out of the group.”
Olivia nods furiously and then dissolves into tears. “We’re getting…”
They say it together. “Shunned.”
I lift my eyebrows. “Really? They’re throwing you out too?” And for a moment, I am angry. Not for myself, but because no one should hurt the twins. They don’t deserve it. “I’m really sorry.”
Olivia’s blubbing now, pouring out tears and hiccupping big sobs. “I mean, I expect Angela to be mean, but I never thought Erin and Liam would be so…”
“… vicious,” finishes Caitlin. She’s wiping her eyes, slumped against the sink. “We’ve been friends since primary school.”
“That’s harsh.” I slide down next to her and without even thinking put my arm around her. “You’ll be okay.”
She lays her head on my shoulder and has another little cry. “Thanks.”
I hold out both arms to Olivia who comes in for a hug as well. She’s practically dripping, she’s been crying so much. We sit there together for a few minutes while they snuffle and hiccup and burst out into extra little crying episodes, apparently randomly. Finally, they seem to be finished and I pat them on the shoulders and stand up. My legs need a stretch.
“You don’t seem upset, Jaz,” says Caitlin, after she’s pulled about 25 pieces of tissue paper out of the dispenser and used each one to wipe up her snot and tears.
“I know,” I say, and I sound as amazed as she does. “But I’m really not.” I pull away and face them. “It’s even kind of the opposite.”
“Why?” Caitlin looks shocked. Scandalized.
“Well, it’s weird. But it’s kind of like an adventure,” I say. My voice goes up in excitement. “I mean, if you think about it, do you even like Angela?”
Olivia looks up at me and shakes her head.
“No,” ventures Caitlin.
“Do you like sitting with her and all those stupid girls?” I ask.
The twins look at each other.
“Me either,” I say. “And I’m the one who broke up with Liam, so it’s not as if I want to hang around them any more.” I look out through the door to the quadrangle. “We can do anything. We
can sit with anyone if we want to.” I turn back to the twins, willing them to see what I can see. “We’re free.”
There’s a silence. I can see a tap dripping out of the corner of my eye. It’s like the ticking hand of a classroom clock, punctuating the seconds. I can see Olivia and Caitlin’s brains thinking. Freedom’s a new concept for them, like it is for me. But they haven’t had time to get used to it like I have.
“What do you guys want to do?” I ask. “Do we have a plan?”
“Well, we have to go to class when the bell goes,” says Caitlin, always the practical one.
“Yeah. It’s Science next,” says Olivia. Her face is still streaky.
“Science,” I say. It brings a grin to my face. “Alvin and the Chipmunks. Girls, I think I know what our plan is going to be.”
And that’s what it is. We clean up and we chat and we hug and say how stupid Angela is—and Liam too—for a while and then I get sick of talking about them so I say we shouldn’t bother with them, we should just talk about ourselves, so we do. I tell them all about finding Gabby again and why she left like she did and we hug again and resolve that we’ll never fight, that we’ll always tell each other the truth, and we’ll always stick close. And then, when the bell goes, we pick up ourselves and our bags and we head out, the three of us with our shoulders together, to Science. Alvin and Seb and Cammo are waiting to tell me all about the research and the work they’ve done on the project, and I introduce them to the twins properly and then we have recess together and then lunch, later.
And all day I feel lighter.
Liam glowers at me from across the room in English and also in Drama but you know what? I don’t really care. Because I was right. I’ve dealt with worse, and I don’t need his hassle. He tries for two weeks or so to get at me; first it’s just looks, and then I start to hear stories about stuff I’ve done or not done, and then he tries actually sending messages with Dan and Erin, directly to me, saying he misses me and he loves me. I know it’s to try to get me back, but I haven’t missed feeling bad and scared and out of my depth. Not one speck. And I certainly don’t want to go back. So I ignore it all and ignore him and ignore the evil glances Angela shoots at me as well because I know I’m stronger than her.
And I sleep well.
At night, I have dreams, but no one’s chasing me. No one is threatening me. No one’s trying to kill me. They’re just normal dreams. The sort that makes you think, ‘hey, that was random,’ in the morning, if you can even remember it. And that’s when I wake: in the morning. Not in the middle of the night. It’s morning when I open my eyes. Morning when I go out to the garden. Morning when I check my messages (usually, at least one from Gabby, and recently, quite a few from Alvin. He manages to find at least two really important things to tell me about the project every single day.) It’s also morning when I go out to the kitchen and see Mum.
“Want breakfast?” she says, every day.
“I’ll make it for you,” I say and I open the fridge and pull out the muesli I’ve been soaking (Grandma’s recipe) or the rolls I’ve made (also Grandma’s recipe). I cook and prepare while she watches and then we eat.
“What do you love?” I ask her, every time.
“Definitely the pumpkin seeds,” she says today, pulling one out of her muesli.
“Really?”
“Mmm. No. Not really. But they’re healthy, aren’t they?” She smiles. “I probably should love them.”
“I love the blueberries,” I say. And I mean it. Grandma has a punnet of blueberries in her fridge the whole time. I’ve got plans to put a blueberry bush in my garden and make her my blueberry muffins next time I visit. Maybe share one with Gabby too.
“Can I go down to Grandma’s this weekend? I mean, if she wants me,” I ask. “Are you busy with Geoff?”
Mum lifts her head and bites her lip. “I’d like to see him, of course.”
I put my spoon down on the table. Take a breath. “So, maybe he could come too. Get Grandma to invite Adrian. We could go for a hike now that her ankle’s working again.”
Mum’s quiet for a minute. “You wouldn’t mind?”
I wait and then shake my head. No. I don’t mind.
I can see her fingers moving. “It could work.” She tips her head to one side, like, we could try it.
I stand up, take my bowl to the sink. Time to get dressed for school. As I’m just about to shut my door I stick my head back out.
“Hey, Mum.”
She looks around from her chair at the table. She’s cradling her cup of tea.
“You know that question I asked you? Ages ago.”
“Which one?”
“The one about Geoff. And love.”
She’s quiet.
“I want to know.”
“Why?”
“I just do.”
Mum looks at her hands. She takes a deep breath. “So ask it.”
“Are you in love with Geoff?”
She stops a beat, looks at the table. And then speaks. “Yes, Jazmine. I think I probably am.”
I’m silent. I close the door to my room, look around for my clothes, but I can’t find anything for the blur in front of my eyes. I open my journal and pick up a pen, but I can’t write anything. The ceiling above me is as blank as the paper in front of me. I’m not sad or upset. I’m not angry. I’m not even happy or excited. I’m everything, and nothing, all together and all at once. Then, my pen finds the page and I’m drawing, but it’s not what I expect. Somehow, a sketch of Trembler’s Rocks is emerging from my hand, with the boulders and the sheer scale of the cliffs and the view out to the harbour and the ocean.
I look at it. And then I add a boat, the tiny little Invincible. And then I put me in it, navigating out of the harbour, right into the open sea.
My stomach goes wobbly, and then, just as suddenly, calm and strong, and underneath I write these words:
He’s not my dad.
That’s okay.
I put the pen down and I know, somehow, that I don’t have to solve it all today, this minute, this hour. That I don’t have to hide from it or live in fear. Just launch. And sail. See where the wind blows and where the ocean goes. And weather the storms.
I get dressed and pack my bag with books, pens and my phone. I do my hair, put on some mascara. And then I walk out of my room, through the kitchen and up the hall to Mum’s room, where she’s sitting on her bed, looking almost as dazed as I was. I sit down beside her and hug her. She looks surprised. In a good way.
“What’s that for?” she says.
I shrug. “No reason,” I say. “I just love you.”
She hugs me back, solid and rich. “School now?”
“I’m ready,” I say, but before I leave the room and open the door to the sunshine I look at her face. She’s smiling.
And so am I.
THE END
More in the Invisible Series
Have you read them all?
Invisible (Book 1)
Jazmine Crawford doesn’t make decisions. She doesn’t make choices. She doesn’t make friends. Jazmine Crawford only wants one thing: to be invisible. For Jazmine, it’s a lot easier to take out her hearing aid and drift along in life pretending that nothing’s wrong than it is to admit that she’s heartbroken. But something’s got to give… and soon.
“An exquisitely written story… a stunning account of the reinvention of a compelling and sympathetic character.” ~ Publisher’s Weekly
“Lovely… sensitive, hopeful, empowering” ~ Cathy Cassidy
Invisible was a semi-finalist in the 2014 Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award.
Sign up for Cecily Anne Paterson’s newsletter here and she’ll give you a free copy of Invisible.
Being Jazmine (Book 3)
Jazmine’s deaf. And she’s getting tired. Tired of having to try hard, tired of fitting in, tired of pretending to be like everyone else. When Jaz goes to deaf camp, a new world opens up to her. A world where things are easier, and she fin
ally seems to have a place.
But when you leave one world and enter another, what happens to the people you leave behind? And why is one of her new deaf friends suddenly pushed out of the group?
Which world will Jaz live in? Can she keep a foot in both? How will she figure out the best way to be Jazmine?
Acknowledgements
I wasn’t ever going to write a sequel to Invisible. It seemed to me that I’d said everything I could say about Jazmine and I had no idea what could possibly happen to her next. But then I had letters from the fans who kept wanting to know what was coming next for her. Would there be a sequel? Pleeeeease?
I caved in.
And I’m glad I did. It was fun to go back into Jazmine’s world and help her grow and change even more. To anyone who was unhappy with how Liam turned out, I’m sorry. The inspiration for his manipulative streak came from Madeleine Kim who told me she thought Liam was just too perfect.
“No one’s really like that,” she said.
She was probably right. Of course, not everyone’s as mean as Liam is, either. But, girls! Choose your partners wisely, and don’t be afraid to stand up for yourselves.
So, thank you to the fans who inspired the book, the lovely ‘likers’ on Facebook who kept telling me they were interested in my progress, and to the Jazmine-followers who were interested in what came next.
Thank you also to my kind and generous band of readers who gave me useful feedback on the finished draft; Linda T, Heather Y, Kerrie A, Penny M, Heaven A, Joana H, Aniruddh, Erin K, Kyla L and the inimitable Katie J Cross, author of the ‘Miss Mabel’s School for Girls’ series. My writing group colleagues, Selena, Colleen and Bruce, have made me a better writer in the short time I’ve been with them and I’m grateful. Amanda C picked up some errors in her reading and was so helpful to email them through. I’ll have to hire her next time!
I’m also appreciative of this generous band of people who supported my writing by putting their money where their mouths were: Tracey Hall, Karen Grundy, Caroline Hill, Tracey Reynolds, Sue Davies, Bruno and Elizabeth Henke, Cathy Barker, Pauline Egan, Nick Parish, Rachel Farley, Katherine Seers, Selena Hanet-Hutchins, Jean Boer, Michael and Jess Winkler, Cameron Ellis, Penny Morrison, Lina Mendez, Dee Kelley, Sophie Blanc, the lovely ladies from the corner shop, Marie, Linda, Irene and Judy, Vicki Craig, Pam Tow, Paula and Mick from the Kangaroo Valley Fudge Shop, Linda Chittick, Kathy Crawshaw, Katie Cross, Joanna Arnold, Rick Chen, Eunice Hill, Rosie Sutton, Lisa O’Neill, Sharon Andrews, Ellise Barkley, Ingrid McPhail, Karen Barker, Kristen Young, Nancy Curry, Catherine Nash, Mariette Wray, Hannah Boland, Sarah Bull, Jannah Walton, Ann Knox-Gillan, George Athas, Brenda Sambrook, Janet Harrison, Fleur Creighton, Annie Bartholomeusz, Ellie Bennetts, Lauren Avery and Laura Nelson.
Invincible (Invisible 2) Page 19
