Memories of Healing

by Melissa Storm

  Matt smiled and then laughed. With each chuckle, more and more puffs of air rose form his lungs into the sky. “Brenna, slow down. It’s fine. I’m glad you came by. And yes, my mom just had a mastectomy. She’s doing well but taking it hard emotionally.”

  Now she truly did feel like a complete heel. She’d been awful to Matt and here he was going through huge things of his own. Still, he hadn’t turned away and he hadn’t asked her to leave. Was it true that he still enjoyed seeing her despite… well, everything?

  “I’m sorry,” she mumbled. “I’ll pray for her, if that helps.”

  “Thanks for that. We’ll know in a few weeks if she’ll need any more treatment.” He rubbed his arms faster trying to get warm. “But I’m sure you really didn’t come all this way to talk about my mom.”

  She swallowed and tried to calm her racing heart. “No, I just wanted to apologize for the other day. I overreacted to… well, you know, and I just wanted to let you know I’m sorry.”

  Matt nodded and glanced back toward the house. “Do you mind if I go grab a jacket? We could go for a walk and talk a bit. I owe you an apology, too, but I’d like to do it without having to stand here jumping up and down to keep my blood circulating.” The smile he gave her caused her breath to catch in her chest.

  “Of course. I’ll just wait here.” She decided not to mention the fact he’d just said that native born Alaskans could handle the cold without any issue.

  “Now why would you do that? Come in and meet my parents. Besides, my mom would have my hide if I left a woman standing out here in the cold waiting for me.” His teeth chattered, but he offered her a chivalrous smile nonetheless.

  Brenna cringed at the thought of entering Matt’s parents’ home. That was way too intimate an invitation. “I better not,” she hedged. “I mean, if she just got out of surgery, I’m sure she doesn’t want some stranger walking into her house.”

  Matt just laughed and turned to go back across the street, grabbing her hand to pull her behind him. “Trust me. She would be more horrified if I didn’t bring you inside. I’ll just be a second.”

  She had no choice but to follow as he led her up the steps and opened the door. She hoped he could grab his sweater and jacket quickly before anyone even noticed she was there.

  Unfortunately, they walked straight into the living room where both parents were resting together. His mother lay propped up against a heap of pillows on the couch while Matt’s father kept vigil from a well-worn plaid armchair.

  Matt jumped straight into introductions. “Hey Mom, I found a friend outside and we’re going to go for a walk. I have to get a sweater or something first, though.” He pulled Brenna out from where she was discreetly trying to hide behind him and led her to the edge of the coffee table.

  “This is Brenna Barry. She’s the new cook out at Memory Ranch.” He turned and smiled at her. “And Brenna, this is my mom, Cynthia. And this is my dad, Michael.”

  “It’s very nice to meet you, Brenna,” his mom said with a hoarse voice. “I’m glad Matt didn’t just leave you standing in the street. His manners aren’t usually the best despite how hard we both worked to raise him right.”

  “Too true, too true.” His father bobbed his head in agreement.

  Matt returned a moment later, pulling a heavy coat over his shoulders while shaking his head. “Really, Mom? I heard all that, and—no—I’m not that bad. You make me sound like some kind of Neanderthal.”

  Brenna laughed awkwardly as Matt bent to kiss his mother on the cheek. “It’s nice to meet you both. I’m sorry to intrude. I was really just stopping to talk to Matt for a quick second. I didn’t realize you’d just got home from the hospital or I wouldn’t have bothered you.”

  His mom just waved her hand in the air. “It’s fine. I already like you much better than the crowd Matt usually runs with.”

  “And that’s enough out of you,” Matt said, plopping onto the couch to pull big, fuzzy socks over his feet followed by huge, clomping boots.

  Brenna stood nervously beside Matt, wishing she could help him dress so it would go faster. The house was cozy inside filled with pictures and mementos that obviously meant a lot to the people who lived inside the walls. The furniture wasn’t high end and looked like it was all as old, if not older, than Matt. But it all looked comfortable. Exactly how she’d always pictured a real home would look.

  Finally, Matt announced that he was ready and opened the door for Brenna to go out ahead of him. She pulled her scarf up higher and zipped her jacket to the top as a cold wall of air slammed into her. They went down the steps and started walking, the snow beneath their boots crunching with every step.

  Okay, it’s time to explain why you came. It’s not like it can be any more embarrassing than whatever that was, she told herself. She wasn’t used to telling her story except to therapists and doctors, but Matt seemed like a good enough person to start with.

  Just so long as she didn’t lose her nerve.

  Chapter 11

  Brenna kept her arms hugged tight around her waist as she and Matt walked through his neighborhood. The houses were rundown and most of the cars seemed to be nearly as old as her. They passed a woman shoveling her driveway as a pair of toddlers pranced through the snow on either side of her. Brenna smiled, and Matt waved and said hello.

  It definitely illustrated that one never knew what was going on behind closed doors. She was proof enough of that, growing up in her nice house with a respected businessman as her father. The inside was far uglier than the outside, whereas Matt’s neighborhood seemed like it might be the exact opposite.

  They walked past another few houses and then Matt turned to her and said, “I’m so glad you came to talk, Brenna. I’ve been wanting to stop by and see you, but I didn’t want to overstep and or push you anymore than I did with the… with that day. Honestly, I felt terrible thinking I’d hurt you, but I also didn’t know how to make it right without risking the chance I could just make things worse.”

  He stuffed his hands into his pockets and fixed his eyes back on the horizon as they continued walking side by side. “I’m not usually drawn to people like I am to you. Normally I feel like everyone is trying to show off, but with you, it’s like you’re trying to sink into the background. It makes me want to know you. That’s stupid and I’m probably way off base, but it doesn’t change the fact that I really, really like you, Brenna. It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way. I mean, why would you want a guy like me with my sordid past and pushy kisses?”

  Brenna stopped walking suddenly and turned to face him on the sidewalk as a car slowly drove through the snowy street. She couldn’t have him accepting the blame for that day, especially for reasons that had nothing to do with anything. She’d probably sent kiss me signals left and right. She was always making mistakes like that—and she’d wanted that kiss every bit as much as she hadn’t wanted it.

  “Matt, I don’t think you’re the one who needs to apologize,” she said, keeping her arms hugged tightly around herself for an added layer of support and protection. “And my reaction had nothing at all to do with the kind of guy you think you are. I don’t know anything about your past that would allow me to judge you one way or another. Besides, it’s not like I have the picture perfect past myself.”

  He crinkled his eyebrows together and tipped his head to the side. “You mean Liz never mentioned anything to you? About my history? I assumed you knew and that’s why you ran away from me like that. She never told me about why you came to the ranch, by the way. She keeps all her residents’ info private, but I’m not a resident, so…”

  What was he talking about? There was nothing she knew about him that could possibly be as bad as her own story.

  Matt turned and slowly started walking again, so she moved to keep up. She stared at him dumbfounded and shook her head. “I ran away because of me, not because of you. I’m damaged goods, Matt.”

  “Now, see, I don't believe that for a second. I really like eve
rything I’ve seen about you so far.”

  She refused to believe that. If she was good, then this would be much easier. Instead, she was a hot mess. The sooner Matt figured that out, the better. “Even my running away?”

  Matt shrugged. “There’s nothing wrong with taking your time to decide about things. More people should do it. I should’ve done it.”

  “Matt, it’s not your fault. I… I was abused. By my father,” she admitted shyly.

  “I was hoping it wouldn’t be something like that. You never know with the ranch, and I didn’t want to pry, but...” A strange mix of emotions crossed Matt’s face before he asked, “Did he ever…?”

  Brenna knew exactly what he was trying to ask. It was the same thing everyone got around to asking when they heard about her history, whether it was any of their business or not. “Gosh, no!” she shouted. “He hit me, pushed me, beat me, but never, never touched me. Not like that.”

  Relief flashed across his face followed by a deep frown. “I’m sorry for what you went through. I have no idea what that’s like, but I know you didn’t deserve it. My mistakes… well, they were of my own making.”

  Brenna kept her eyes on the ground before them. It was easier that way.

  “I’ve done things I’m not proud of and if I could go back and do my life differently, I would,” he said, stopping then to let out a deep sigh. “I won’t go too much into the why, because it’s the what that matters in the end. Right?”

  Brenna let him talk, knowing somehow that he just had to get it all in the open. She could understand that, even if she wasn’t quite ready to talk about the specifics of her own past.

  He stopped and turned to face her again, waiting for her to return his gaze before he continued. “I was a junkie and a dealer for a while, too. That’s just who I thought I was meant to be so I wouldn’t end up some poor sap who struggled paycheck to paycheck for the rest of my life. My friends then—and clients—they made me feel like I was important. They were always so happy to see me, and I guess I let it get to my head.

  “I didn’t realize that they didn’t actually care about me—only what I had to offer them. And that made it so hard to see that I needed a change. See, that’s why it means so much to me that you’re just… real. Few people are these days. By the way, I finally did change. That was a couple years back. I had another friend who found a way out—Sofia. She helped me do the same, and I haven’t looked back for a single second since.”

  Brenna’s heart pounded heavy in her chest. She couldn’t even focus on the compliment he’d given her, not with all he’d revealed. He was an addict? Like her father? But that meant…

  Oh, no.

  “Don’t look so worried.” Matt’s laugh caught her off guard. “It’s not like I killed anyone.”

  Despite his laugh, she could see the shame in Matt’s eyes as he discussed his past. She hated that, for even a brief moment, she wondered if she could ever give someone like him a chance knowing his less than savory history. After all, growing up with a father like she’d had, Brenna knew how hard it was for people to change—especially addicts.

  What if Matt’s past came calling? What if, deep down, he still craved that importance, that high? Falling for Matt was even riskier than she’d originally imagined.

  It all made perfect sense. She had every reason to stay away now that he’d confided his secret in her. And yet her heart didn’t want to let go. Not yet…

  “Well, I appreciate your honesty with me,” she said, knowing he was waiting for a response. “You didn’t have to tell me, but I’m glad you did. I understand you much better now, but I still have so many issues of my own, issues I need to work through. It’s why I’m here. At the ranch, I mean.” She swallowed and looked past Matt’s shoulder to watch a cat walk up the sidewalk across the street. It hopped onto a railing and made its way up to a house where it perched on the front step, waiting to be noticed. It was easier to watch the cat than look into his eyes.

  “You see, where you talk about growing up in a home without any money but filled with love, my story is the complete opposite.” She swallowed hard, debating how much she should share now—or ever. It doesn’t hurt for him to know the basics. In fact, it might help.

  “My dad was a big business guy who drank every day and spent every night at home beating his family behind closed doors,” she continued stonily, trying to distance herself from the memories as best she could. “To the outside world, we were the perfect family with money, prestige, and the big beautiful house. But inside we spent our time cowering in fear, wondering if we’d survive until the next day.”

  She was finally able to look at him, scared of what she’d see. She couldn’t stand to see the pity or disbelief like she’d seen on so many faces over the years.

  But Matt wasn’t showing any of those emotions—he just looked angry. “I hate that he hurt you, Brenna. And your mom, too?” His voice shook with fury.

  “He did. I have a younger sister, too, but the two of us took most of the brunt of it for her. She’s not very strong and I don’t think she could have survived it, so I always made sure when he was about to turn on her that I’d get him focused back on me. I tried to convince my mom to leave him so we could all just get away, but he had complete control of everything. He’d completely alienated my mom from her own family and friends. She had no job or money of her own, and he knew it. She had no one to turn to, nowhere to go.”

  Brenna blinked back tears and fixed her eyes on the ground. “At least that’s how I understand it now. How I’m trying to reconcile the fact she didn’t save us. For years I was just so angry with her. I blamed her. But now…” She shrugged like it didn’t matter, even though it mattered more than anything. “I’m realizing just how scared she was and that, at the time, she didn’t feel like she had any way out.”

  Lifting her gaze to his, she fought the tears that were trying to fall. “And I don’t ever want to be in that position again. So, Matt, that’s why I ran from you that day. I ran away as fast as I could because I’m far too broken to ever be able to trust any man ever again. I’m sorry if that’s not what you wanted to hear, but it’s the truth. My truth.”

  Chapter 12

  Another car drove past them, tires crunching through the snow on the street. Brenna kept her eyes on the vehicle, hoping Matt would be the one to say something to break the silence that had enveloped them. She’d never meant to tell him so much or share the feelings she’d carried with her for years. Those were words she’d only ever spoken to the therapist at the ranch. Maybe having already said them once had opened the floodgates. Or maybe, deep down, she desperately wanted this man to understand, hoped that he wouldn’t give up on her.

  She’d never felt that before in her life.

  Matt hesitated before placing a gentle hand on her shoulder. His eyes were filled with kindness… and something else she couldn’t quite identify. “Brenna, you’re not broken. What your father did to you is unforgivable, and the fact that you’re even standing here right now shows us both how strong—how unbreakable—you are. Please…”

  He let out a deep sigh and chanced a smile. “Look, I know your dad is why you have trouble getting close to people. And I could ask you to trust me and tell you I’m different, but those would just be words. So how about we spend time together until you decide for yourself whether I’m worth taking the chance on. I already know it’ll be worth it for me.”

  Brenna breathed in and out slowly as she tried to force her racing heart to slow down. She wanted to believe in him, to believe in herself, too. She wanted to really try to move past her issues, to maybe even forge a real relationship with Matt. The fear she’d held onto her whole life, however, kept whispering in her ear, saying that he was only telling her what she wanted to hear.

  Her dad had been a pro at bending the truth, of only showing people what he wanted them to see. He’d told so many lies to family, friends, and colleagues about his life at home that Brenna was sure he’d al
most started to believe them himself. If his wife had a black eye for any kind of black-tie event, it was always easily explained by a fall or some other kind of accident. And since she never said otherwise, their perfect-picture life was believed—or at least not challenged—by everyone who knew them.

  He was downright jovial, cracking jokes and telling stories to his friends. He had a silver tongue, and most were willing to overlook inconsistencies in his lies. But still… why didn’t anyone ever dig deeper? Why had no one seen past the cheery façade and uncovered the ugliness beneath?

  Matt’s soft voice wedged between her thoughts. “You’re free from it now. It doesn’t have to control you.” His words were whispered as he held her face firmly between his hands. The words were almost identical to what she’d been told in therapy, but coming from him, they seemed to chip at the shell she’d constructed around herself.

  He seemed to understand, but could she trust him?

  Not trusting anyone all these years hadn’t healed her. Trying to fade into the background had still got her noticed. Maybe it was time to do something crazy. Maybe it was time to trust no matter how much that terrified her.

  “Okay,” she said at last, her heart thrumming in her chest. “I’d like to try, too. We have nothing to lose, I guess.” She didn’t want to admit that she could possibly lose her heart, that she could somehow move even further away from recovery, that everything could always get much, much worse even when it seemed like that would be impossible.

  Matt’s smile grew from cheek to cheek, unable to be contained. “As unenthusiastic as that sounds, I’ll take it. I could say there’s a risk of losing my pride, but I’ve probably already done that, right?”

  He turned and winked at her, and Brenna couldn’t help but smile, too. “We’ll start slow and easy—an outing for friends. I promise I won’t try to kiss you again until you ask me to. If you ask me to. Okay, so tell me this: have you ever been ice skating before?”